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Hope Shimmers

So for the last many years, a group of friends of mine who share a similar hobby have traveled/met up in a certain area of the US for about a week to spend time in this hobby. Today I found out when the week will be (this summer) and 2 of my good friends have invited me to travel with them which will involve about a 12-hour drive, and then we will be with a bigger group of friends once there for the week. Probably about 6-8 of us total.

 

Problem is, ex-MM will be there.

 

I haven't even considered going for the last few years for obvious reasons, but this year I feel strong enough to handle it without it even bothering me. This group of friends used to be our mutual friends, but they all know what he did to me and now he is just barely tolerated. My friends, particularly the 2 I would be driving with, are extremely protective of me.

 

I am the only female in this group, because the hobby is more traditionally one that males are drawn to, but the 2 I would be driving with are close friends and I am friends with their wives too - we talk on the phone regularly. They may be coming as well, but probably not as they are not into this hobby. Just mentioning this for context.

 

It really pi**es me off that I have had to give this up for the last few years, after everything else this man has taken from me. I used to love to go. I really want to go this year, but I want to make sure I'm thinking through everything. I need to make a decision in the next couple of days to get off work.

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purplesorrow

I say you reclaim what's yours. He's taken enough from you. Is sounds like you will have a good support system there with your friends. Lean on them if you need to. Have a talk with them before you go and decide on an exit plan for a bit of cushion. Go and have fun.

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snappytomcat

I say go for it hope!!!!!!!

you are a strong woman,and he matters as much as the gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe,if this hobby makes you happy just do it

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Hope Shimmers
I say you reclaim what's yours. He's taken enough from you. Is sounds like you will have a good support system there with your friends. Lean on them if you need to. Have a talk with them before you go and decide on an exit plan for a bit of cushion. Go and have fun.

 

Thanks purplesorrow. If I even look the least bit distressed they will kill him. lol

 

They know the story and they are not fans. In fact, there are members of our group who won't even go to that event now because they refuse to be in the same zip code as him.

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Hope Shimmers
I say go for it hope!!!!!!!

you are a strong woman,and he matters as much as the gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe,if this hobby makes you happy just do it

 

Thanks snappytomcat! I was really hoping to not get a lot of "no, you shouldn't do it". I really think I will be okay.

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I really want to go this year, but I want to make sure I'm thinking through everything. I need to make a decision in the next couple of days to get off work.

 

Go ahead and ask work for the time off. You can always change your mind later and not go. And who knows - maybe xMM will decide not to go, especially if he gets the "chills" from the other guys who are protective of you?

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Hope Shimmers
Go ahead and ask work for the time off. You can always change your mind later and not go. And who knows - maybe xMM will decide not to go, especially if he gets the "chills" from the other guys who are protective of you?

 

Thanks OpenBook! He is used to the "chills" - in fact, that was just one more thing he blamed on me after the fact. He still blames me ("you told them bad things about me; our business is not their business", etc). Most of it they knew just by observing, although I did tell them some of it, but so what... I didn't see it as any big secret.

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Absolutely go... will you have any actual contact with him, like will you be playing together in the same group, or will it just be in the same area type thing? Worse comes to worse, if things start feeling overwhelming for you, you can always meander off with the wives and enjoy a glass of wine or spa-day with them (or whatever they are up to that day). It sounds like you'll be surrounded by an excellent support system.

 

Don't let him take anything else from you, you already wasted enough on your idiot in tin foil :bunny: now if I could only follow my own advice!

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Im going to go against the grain and say dont go.

You may opt to anyways Hope but those guy friends of yours cant protect your heart and emotions. They cant protect your feelings.

They could take you another week, change the time and "forget" to tell him.

IMO NC is forever and yes it hurts and is unfair and sucks..but your ok now emotionally you say? Why test the waters then...why expose yourself this way?

You should sit it out. I've seen your emotions on the board here and there...some point to you are not ok...yet...not totally. Stronger yes...but not totally.

Its wisdom to keep protecting yourself by steering clear.

Just my humble individual opinion.

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Hope Shimmers
Im going to go against the grain and say dont go.

You may opt to anyways Hope but those guy friends of yours cant protect your heart and emotions. They cant protect your feelings.

They could take you another week, change the time and "forget" to tell him.

IMO NC is forever and yes it hurts and is unfair and sucks..but your ok now emotionally you say? Why test the waters then...why expose yourself this way?

You should sit it out. I've seen your emotions on the board here and there...some point to you are not ok...yet...not totally. Stronger yes...but not totally.

Its wisdom to keep protecting yourself by steering clear.

Just my humble individual opinion.

 

Thanks privategal. You do make good points.

 

I will never be the same person I was before him. I will never be totally "over" it (note that I said "it" and not "him"). But I feel like I'm in a completely different place than I was in previously. And I have felt like this for awhile.

 

He hosts part of this event, which is why he is involved. We would be in the same place most of the time but ignoring him would be possible (to answer GoldieLox's question).

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I've done some risky things in my life because I didn't want to be 'the one who walked away.'

 

I didn't want to be thinking later that I should have done it.

 

Sometimes you just have to do it, even if there are some risks.

 

I say do it.

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Thanks privategal. You do make good points.

 

I will never be the same person I was before him. I will never be totally "over" it (note that I said "it" and not "him"). But I feel like I'm in a completely different place than I was in previously. And I have felt like this for awhile.

 

He hosts part of this event, which is why he is involved. We would be in the same place most of the time but ignoring him would be possible (to answer GoldieLox's question).

 

Everyone has emotions, what sets humans apart from animals is that we can use our brains to overcome emotional responses. You are in control of you, if you don't want to engage him then you won't.

 

Don't allow him to take this from you, hiding and/or giving this up shows that he has the power of choice over you.

 

I believe I know you better then anyone here, and I say your ready to face him and walk away with ALL your power.

 

Now go enjoy yourself, your are in control.

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Im going to go against the grain and say dont go.

You may opt to anyways Hope but those guy friends of yours cant protect your heart and emotions. They cant protect your feelings.

They could take you another week, change the time and "forget" to tell him.

IMO NC is forever and yes it hurts and is unfair and sucks..but your ok now emotionally you say? Why test the waters then...why expose yourself this way?

You should sit it out. I've seen your emotions on the board here and there...some point to you are not ok...yet...not totally. Stronger yes...but not totally.

Its wisdom to keep protecting yourself by steering clear.

Just my humble individual opinion.

 

I totally understand what you're saying. On that note, when we feel we are ready, we should be able to place ourselves in these types of situations again. Hope seems as though she feels she's ready, or she wouldn't even be contimplating it. It's when we aren't ready and we force it too early that complications arise. I was in a NC situation with a dear ex friend for six years. The friendship ended badly. One day, she was at a function I was at. I made the decision then and there that I was ready. We exchanged pleasantries and moved on after about 10 minutes. I will never forget the pain of the situation, but at that point I was strong enough to face it.

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So for the last many years, a group of friends of mine who share a similar hobby have traveled/met up in a certain area of the US for about a week to spend time in this hobby. Today I found out when the week will be (this summer) and 2 of my good friends have invited me to travel with them which will involve about a 12-hour drive, and then we will be with a bigger group of friends once there for the week. Probably about 6-8 of us total.

 

Problem is, ex-MM will be there.

 

Trust your friends?

I hope so.

THEY think you should go. And they clearly know he will be there.

 

I haven't even considered going for the last few years for obvious reasons, but this year I feel strong enough to handle it without it even bothering me. This group of friends used to be our mutual friends, but they all know what he did to me and now he is just barely tolerated. My friends, particularly the 2 I would be driving with, are extremely protective of me.

 

Only way to know if the fledgling can fly is to jump. There is no half-jump. Just jump.

 

It really pi**es me off that I have had to give this up for the last few years, after everything else this man has taken from me. I used to love to go. I really want to go this year, but I want to make sure I'm thinking through everything. I need to make a decision in the next couple of days to get off work.

 

Still giving him power? F_ck this guy (not literally ok :)).

Go. Have fun. Have normal interactions with him - because avoiding it is giving him power over you. He'd like that. Let's deny him that.

 

Go. Have fun. Be as normal as possible.

 

This is where you cast off his shadow.

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whatatangledweb

I say go and enjoy yourself. He took enough from you. Reclaim this for yourself.

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Hope - I'm so proud of your progress!

 

I do think you're strong enough to go. I'd go and act like he doesn't exist! Nothing more powerful than feeling neutral. I doubt you'll need assistance - you can do this all on your own!

 

You've proven that you take action to gain power, courage and strength!!!

 

You no longer allow him to take advantage of you and your good will.

 

 

Be proud of yourself!

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I think you should go! Don't let him take away something that you enjoy.

 

Why is he even invited anyway if everyone knows what he did?

 

Either way, go and have fun!!

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Hope Shimmers
Everyone has emotions, what sets humans apart from animals is that we can use our brains to overcome emotional responses. You are in control of you, if you don't want to engage him then you won't.

 

Don't allow him to take this from you, hiding and/or giving this up shows that he has the power of choice over you.

 

I believe I know you better then anyone here, and I say your ready to face him and walk away with ALL your power.

 

Now go enjoy yourself, your are in control.

 

You do know me better than anyone else here, no question. So your opinion counts for a lot.

 

Thanks DKT3. I do feel like I have the power nowl

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Hope Shimmers

Thanks so much everyone. Your replies reinforced what I was thinking. I really appreciate it, more than you know.

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Hope Shimmers
I think you should go! Don't let him take away something that you enjoy.

 

Why is he even invited anyway if everyone knows what he did?

 

Either way, go and have fun!!

 

He hosts part of it. Otherwise he wouldn't be there.

 

There are several of my friends who used to be our mutual friends who won't go (or interact with him at all) because of what he did. So I feel odd going in a way, since I should be the most angry. Seems almost like a betrayal to their loyalty. I have some pretty good friends. :)

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whichwayisup
Thanks snappytomcat! I was really hoping to not get a lot of "no, you shouldn't do it". I really think I will be okay.

 

At first I was gonna say don't go just because it was something you two did together and it's just not worth seeing him and taking the chance of having to deal with him/see him/talk to him (you know he's probably going to try to talk to you...) but reading responses and your replies, go and have fun. Show him you've moved on and he has no affect on you anymore.

 

Just really make sure your friends do have your back 100%.

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Lurkeraspect

Hope,

 

You've ceratiny given up enough for this man. its time to stop. Live your life, enjoy what makes you happy. If he's there, press on. You've done enough. Enjoy your time. If he's there, nod, move on.

 

Just enjoy, no more giving up things you love. He's not worth your worry, it's over.

 

Hugs to you.

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AlwaysGrowing

Hope, what you have now in spades is self awareness. It isn't easy for most people to challenge themselves the ways you have.

 

The best thing about self awareness is that once one has it, one doesn't want to lose it....it's just that powerful.

 

Go. You know yourself best.

 

You know darn well that he won't even register, you are that far removed from the You in that relationship.

 

I see you actually chuckling at the sight of him...the absurdity of him. It is like....you know that you had a relationship with him, but....YOU (who you are today) didn't.

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