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Other woman 1st time again, he is leaving her.


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andreprisal

My day really turned into something crazy. After spending it with MM, we have decided not to continue until he seperated from his wife. He is going to tell her everything tomorrow and move out from her pending their legal divorce. Im spinning from the guilt. We fought for a bit as i was asking him not to leave her to stay wih her and think about it longer and he has promised that the reasons arent to do with me. It feels hard to believe and i feel pretty sick. Everything has just moved so so so quickly. MM and I will be a normal couple or try to be. I doubt our turning around to do things the right way will make up for our actions over the time weve been involved. Im sure there will be a lot of judgment for us still but im really proud of his change of heart. Not because he will be mine but because hes finally standing up for his own happiness. Man. Roller coaster of emotions right now. Thanks to the people who were kind and shared their helpful advice. Ill update tomorrow probably as im sure theres the big question on everyones mind, will he go through with it? I know its on my mind. Im very confident that he will but ill keep everyone updated.

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Don't get disappointed when it doesn't happen. Odds are they will get it worked out.

 

Until his D is FINAL - he's not available.

 

Did you go on your date?

 

This could be more manipulation by your MM.

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andreprisal

MM came to me instead and our day boiled down to this decision. We will know for sure tomorrow. But considering our argument over it, im very confident. I will def be back tomorrow for the update.

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Hope Shimmers
MM came to me instead and our day boiled down to this decision. We will know for sure tomorrow. But considering our argument over it, im very confident. I will def be back tomorrow for the update.

 

And suddenly your date with ex-boyfriend didn't happen. Another coincidence?

 

I do wish you the best. I don't for a second think he will leave his wife for you.

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whichwayisup
MM came to me instead and our day boiled down to this decision. We will know for sure tomorrow. But considering our argument over it, im very confident. I will def be back tomorrow for the update.

 

Do they have kids to consider in all this?

 

Plan is fine, until he faces his wife, tells her (and he may just just say he wants a divorce, not tell her about you and the affair) and she reacts, they talk and he changes his mind, doesn't leave. Plans fall through. It's one thing to think of doing, it's another to actually go through with it. Yup, anything could happen.

 

I find it odd that he does this a day after finding out that you were gonna go on a date. Seems like a knee jerk reaction and way to keep you under his control.

Good luck.

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andreprisal

No kids to consider. Yeah thats very true. Thats a good point, not where I assumed hed flake if he did. I know him very well though and he is not one to go back on things he is set out to do. He thinks it will be very amicable as they have been struggling for years.

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andreprisal

I agree its a little odd, but if he goes through with it, that would be a pretty serious knee jerk reaction. Thats why i dont think his decision was for me, it is for him first. He had originally told me he wouldnt leave because he found someone better. I think hes leaving because he and his wife both deserve better.

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whichwayisup
No kids to consider. Yeah thats very true. Thats a good point, not where I assumed hed flake if he did. I know him very well though and he is not one to go back on things he is set out to do. He thinks it will be very amicable as they have been struggling for years.

 

You said that you didn't want him to leave his wife, that's the truth. Your own words on your previous thread.

 

So, he's never said ILY until the other day. You mentioned dating, and now supposedly he's telling his wife and filing for divorce, will move out and then the two of you can be a normal couple, or try to be?

 

If your sister, a good friend or even your own daughter was in this situation and they told you the above, what would your advice to them be? Wouldn't you be very suspicious, not put all the eggs in one basket? Tell them to be realistic?

 

Even if he leaves, do you think he can just up and leave his life as he knows it now and start a new one with you? He'll have the house to sell, finances, having to deal with his in laws, as well as his own parents, friends, siblings, explaining to them he's leaving his wife for another woman.

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whichwayisup
I agree its a little odd, but if he goes through with it, that would be a pretty serious knee jerk reaction. Thats why i dont think his decision was for me, it is for him first. He had originally told me he wouldnt leave because he found someone better. I think hes leaving because he and his wife both deserve better.

 

 

Yet she has NO idea.

 

My guess is, he's bored in his marriage, feels like his wife doesn't give him enough attention and instead of trying to reconnect with her, he's turned to you and he's rewritten martial history. Problem with that is, when d day happens, they wake up and realize what they're gonna lose and don't leave. Yet here, he's creating his own d day by confessing.

 

Time will tell, if he is true to his word and what he's telling you or if tomorrow comes and he gives you some lame excuse as to why he hasn't told her.

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andreprisal

I agree. Its questionable. But ive had an emotional affair with him quite a bit longer than the physical affar. I know him and am very confident about it. I am glad that ill find out tomorrow because i can only get my hopes so high inside of a 24 hour period if im wrong. Tomorrow will be a bittersweet day regardless of how it goes but im gonna hope for the best for everyone.

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whichwayisup

Don't forget people at work. You're 21, he's your boss and they all know he's married. Are you worried about your professional reputation? Have you thought about quitting your job?

 

How old is he?

 

Put a time limit on this, meaning if he can't do as he's promised you, end things and walk away. Can you picture yourself still waiting by summer time? What will his excuse(s) be then as to why he hasn't told her, hasn't left.

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andreprisal

Yeah im not too concerned about work just because of our positions in the company keep us out of sight. He is 40. Good idea for the time limit. Ill do that if for some reason it doesnt happen tomorrow. I think today he just got a taste of his own medicine and realized what he was doing to me by making me second. And how hes hurting his wife by stringing her along. Plus the main reason, his and her happiness.

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I think it would be a good idea to schedule an appointment with a therapist.

 

 

However it goes, having someone to talk to can only benefit you.

 

 

You might think about your job situation as well and look at your options. Because if he doesn't leave his wife will surely want you fired.

 

 

If he does leave, I hope you aren't planning to have him move in with you as he needs to be on his own to process the end of his marriage if that's what happens.

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Hope Shimmers
Don't forget people at work. You're 21, he's your boss and they all know he's married. Are you worried about your professional reputation? Have you thought about quitting your job?

 

How old is he?

 

Put a time limit on this, meaning if he can't do as he's promised you, end things and walk away. Can you picture yourself still waiting by summer time? What will his excuse(s) be then as to why he hasn't told her, hasn't left.

 

I remember saying to her in a previous post that he has been married (20+ years) longer than she has been alive, so he's in his 40's. I'll bite my tongue.

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andreprisal

That may be an idea. And no he will not be living with me after this. And he hasnt been married longer than ive been alive. But if he were, it wouldnt matter.

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whichwayisup
Yeah im not too concerned about work just because of our positions in the company keep us out of sight. He is 40. Good idea for the time limit. Ill do that if for some reason it doesnt happen tomorrow. I think today he just got a taste of his own medicine and realized what he was doing to me by making me second. And how hes hurting his wife by stringing her along. Plus the main reason, his and her happiness.

 

He is stringing you both along. Sorry to say that but from what you've said about him in your other threads, I don't see him leaving his wife of 20 years for a 21 year old, whom he's had an affair with for 6 months.

 

Does your family know about him and your affair? Your friends?

 

There's no way you and him can keep this quiet at work, it'll all come out eventually.

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Why is he making that decision with you instead of his wife?

 

 

Go on that date - reschedule it.

 

 

Don't stop living and seeing available men because of ANY decision your MM may or may not make.

 

It really wasn't up to him to control your day and change your plans. You ALLOWED it because of his drama. It's a major roller coaster ride he's got you on.

 

Step away - far away - until his D is final. And even then you still have a guy who cheats. Until he changes that about himself by getting help, he's still a cheater.

 

Keep dating single men! Did I say that? Yes!

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andreprisal

Some of my friends know. Some dont. One of my coworlers knows. Really, the job is not an issue. I will not be let go, by anyone. It wont happen. Well have to see the results tomorrow. As ive said, im pretty confident. People in my threads may not be a fan of me, but he very much is and I think a lot of people will be pleasantly surprised tomorrow.

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whichwayisup
Some of my friends know. Some dont. One of my coworlers knows. Really, the job is not an issue. I will not be let go, by anyone. It wont happen. Well have to see the results tomorrow. As ive said, im pretty confident. People in my threads may not be a fan of me, but he very much is and I think a lot of people will be pleasantly surprised tomorrow.

 

That has nothing to do with the advice given to you, this is just a pattern with affairs and how they go. People are warning you not to put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Shield your heart.

 

I can pretty much guarantee he's not going to divorce his wife. If I'm wrong, I will apologize to you for not having the faith that you seem to have.

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andreprisal

Why would I ask you to apologize? Theres a lot of sense in a lot of the advice given but its usually shrouded in clouds of condescension and negativity. Your call makes perfect sense, I just think youre wrong and if you are, okay. No big deal, you had logical reasons.

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He's not left her until he's left her, first off.

 

Second, your not completely out of the jungle until the D is final.

 

But generally speaking, yes, when MM leave their wives for the OW, it's done quickly.

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As usual, you've gotten great advice from posters who've been there and done that on both sides of the fence. I would just suggest you also consider the age difference, regardless of the A factor.

 

You said he's been married more than 20 years. I assume this guy is at least in his early to mid 40s. You are 21!! If you ask yourself honestly would you have even considered dating someone over 40 in the past? I'm in my mid-40s so far be in from me to call him old but another 10 years, odds are the health problems begin. You've described yourself as a wild child. He probably won't want to be out partying every night. He'll be ready for bed when you're ready to go out. You're not likely to "get" too many of each other's pop culture references or understand one another's friends. He'll be ready to retire when you're hitting your professional peak. Just things to consider IF he actually leaves his wife. Whatever you do, don't let him move in with you. Date other guys until he's D.

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andreprisal

Got into work this morning and is not here as expected he called in for a personal day. Got a text five minutes ago saying good morning and hes just going over his plans of what to say where to say. He is pretty confident that she will be at least partially relieved. Hes decided to do it at lunchtime today but will spend the morning packing his stuff and taking it to his new place. He wants to be able to just leave without coming back to the house. More later. Thanks guys.

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