lookingforclosure Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Today was my "cleansing day" so to speak. I finally deleted the Skype App off my phone, removed him as a contact on it and changed my pic to a black dot and no name...I have a request with Skype to deactivate my user name and profile which they say can take up to two weeks. I then went through my house and gathered all gifts he gave me and clothes he had left and threw them in the trash at the street. Lastly I deleted all photos and texts that were sti on my phone permanently. I should say it took me two hours to do this and several times of breaking down and crying. I feel sick to my stomach right now. I have nothing left of him anymore.. :0( 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbow00 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Today was my "cleansing day" so to speak. I finally deleted the Skype App off my phone, removed him as a contact on it and changed my pic to a black dot and no name...I have a request with Skype to deactivate my user name and profile which they say can take up to two weeks. I then went through my house and gathered all gifts he gave me and clothes he had left and threw them in the trash at the street. Lastly I deleted all photos and texts that were sti on my phone permanently. I should say it took me two hours to do this and several times of breaking down and crying. I feel sick to my stomach right now. I have nothing left of him anymore.. :0( I'm so, so proud of you. Be strong and don't look back. If he has other means to contact you, block those too. As someone who did NC for over a month, then broke it - it was worse the second time around. Much worse, and I lost my power and dignity doing so. Have yourself a spa day, or a girl's night and try to move forward. It's important not to look back, as hard as it is. I'm still struggling with it now, but I know it's best for both of us (you and I) in the long run. There is no end game here. xx 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 I'm not concerned that he will try to contact me ever again...he made that pretty obvious from the comments he's made to my friend about talking about another baby and how happy he is. He's blocked me...I'm sure on every front, lol I think now it's just a wait and see if this stick of dynamite (me) explodes in his life. Which I will not give him the satisfaction of. I have lost 40lbs and look almost anorexic, I look sick. I'm glad he doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing me this way. 76 days of NC from him...he's not ever opening this can of worms again I sure of that 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 It's a new chapter for you. Its exciting. A time for all things you. Of course you feel this way, you've had an emotionally turbulent day. Take it easy. Its not something that's easily undone or forgotten. Its a piece of you. Soon you will reach the day, where you feel positive and view the turbulence as valuable lessons. Its a process. Remember every thought, feeling, memory, trigger are new layers to work through. Not necessarily old ones repeating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Keep posting, were here. If it helps take some time off here. Plan a little get away if you can. You need a break if possible. The appetite will slowly return. Summer is close, the warm weather also helps. Can you move or get a new job or transfer to a new city. All change is GOOD especially big change! A new style ans new bedding and painting and rearranged furniture is also good to create new visuals and new life in your space! I have a beautiful room that I dont wanba greive in cause I don't want those memories there...but Im gonna hang in that room when my heart heals and enjoy the energy!! Take care....congrats on erasing his presence in your life!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I remember the same point in my own life. From that day on I started to build a new and better life, and so will you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredHearts Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Good for you!! I know how incredibly hard that had to have been to do, but so powerful at the same time. Definitely treat yourself..you deserve it! I'm dealing with the no appetite/constant knot in my stomach, so I can relate to that. I'm sure with time it'll get easier. What you accomplished today was a huge milestone!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Good for you! Keep going and don't look back! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 I have thought about finding a job away from "him". Even though we haven't worked in the same building since a month after the A started I am still two streets over, so I could potentially run into him. I would love to pack up everything and move out of state...but then I would be running instead of facing this. It's easier to run and hide, hence the way he handled things in the end. A dear friend of mine told me I was the stronger or the two (me and xMM) but today sure doesn't feel like it. I am very lucky to have so many people who support me and helping me to heal and move on from this roller coaster that has been my life for almost two years. I've cried on and off since I "trashed" everything. I took the focus off of all the ILY's and things he would say, and am focused on his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I took the focus off of all the ILY's and things he would say, and am focused on his actions. You are on the right track. As far as the weight loss, are you eating? Do you feel like you need help to get back to a healthy weight? Please look after yourself. Your health is your number one priority. This man isn't worth anymore pain and suffering. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 You are on the right track. As far as the weight loss, are you eating? Do you feel like you need help to get back to a healthy weight? Please look after yourself. Your health is your number one priority. This man isn't worth anymore pain and suffering. I eat the equivalent of one meal most days...some are better than others. Dr did prescribe me some Zofran and Phenergan for the extreme nausea from all the stress. Plus it's kicked up my Acid Reflux too. I have no appetite most days but do try...coworkers have noticed and have become concerned that I'm wasting away in front of their eyes. My boss was the one to give me info on our employee assistance program because she could see I was struggling with something. That's where I got in contact with my therapist. I have also been prescribed xanax to sleep...and I only take it at night .5mg I spent the earlier part of my day with a girlfriend and her babies, she actually helped me to gather up the courage to do this today. And then cooked me a huge brunch because she said I need 12 biscuits lol Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I do not have any knowledge of eating disorders. I do think though that seeing your medical doctor might be a good first step. Perhaps they can help you increase your calorie intake while you are working out the emotional issues with your therapist. Have you considered seeing a medical doctor to help with the extreme weight loss or is that the doctor who prescribed you Zofran and Phenergan? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 Anytime I get under extreme stress for months at a time this happens. And yes my General Practioner was the one to prescribe the Zofran and Phenergan, and the Xanax to sleep. I can't take most antidepressants and the Dr thinks this is just the normal grieving process for me. I woke up this morning thinking I would feel 10x better than I have the past two months since purging him from my life yesterday...but I dont. A girlfriend of mine suggested maybe I should tell his wife the truth. I'm not so sure that would make me heal any quicker...any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
EnderA Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Today was my "cleansing day" so to speak. I finally deleted the Skype App off my phone, removed him as a contact on it and changed my pic to a black dot and no name...I have a request with Skype to deactivate my user name and profile which they say can take up to two weeks. I then went through my house and gathered all gifts he gave me and clothes he had left and threw them in the trash at the street. Lastly I deleted all photos and texts that were sti on my phone permanently. I should say it took me two hours to do this and several times of breaking down and crying. I feel sick to my stomach right now. I have nothing left of him anymore.. :0( Revel in your strength, for it has no bounds. Find your way to a gym and bring your body to health because there will be harsh winds in your future. The Iron does not care about your past, it respects you for being there. In time, this will be a distant memory. You've done good. Link to post Share on other sites
Eagle's-bargain Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Today was my "cleansing day" so to speak. I finally deleted the Skype App off my phone, removed him as a contact on it and changed my pic to a black dot and no name...I have a request with Skype to deactivate my user name and profile which they say can take up to two weeks. I then went through my house and gathered all gifts he gave me and clothes he had left and threw them in the trash at the street. Lastly I deleted all photos and texts that were sti on my phone permanently. I should say it took me two hours to do this and several times of breaking down and crying. I feel sick to my stomach right now. I have nothing left of him anymore.. :0( I'm not really sure if you did the right thing or not. Surely you did the "right" thing for yourself in terms of removing reminders from your life. One day you'll be somewhere and out of nowhere the memory will come back, and probably not too strong, but strong enough. Don't forget where you are TODAY, and why it ended. How you started and how you ended is something you should never put in the trash, lest you repeat it all over again. As the OM, I need the history. I need it as a reminder of what "NOT TO DO". I know it could be a shackle preventing me from having a better tomorrow. But I can't ignore where I am coming from, and no amount of shame makes me want to hide myself from my own past or feelings. I have too many questions to remove and delete history from my life. Some people need to start over, they can't survive any other way, let alone live. lookingforclosure, you're not alone in your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 You are an amazing strong woman and you did the right thing! Good for you! Now you can start finding yourself again without his distractions!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 Yesterday was a really rough day for me...I had a pretty good day on Friday, had appt with IC and then relaxed. Saturday I went to a friends house and on my way home had the sudden urge to purge everything I had related to my A with xMM. When I got home I gathered everything and threw it in the trash at the curb. Then I deleted all pics, text, email, and the messaging app we had. I cried and thought it was done....went to work as normal on Sunday and felt a bit blahh on Monday. I didn't sleep well Sunday or Monday night...I stayed home from work yesterday because I was feeling so down. Last night it finally hit me why...today was trash day, they would be coming and the last bits and pieces of xMM and our relationship would be gone and it would be as if it never happened. I had some severe anxiety over this...fought the urge to go and get the things out of the bin. I heard the truck this morning and went and dumped another bag of trash on top of all his things and closed the lid and left for work. Writing this stings a bit...I miss who he was at the time when he was with me, i'm having to face he is truly not that person. He was never the knight in shining armor who I would grow old with, no matter how many times he future faked with me. I will never have my final say to him...he doesn't care...but i'm hoping that I made a very good step forward for getting him out of my life physically...now to work on the mental part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 You did the right thing. I walk into my closet sometimes and catch my breath because there are so many things that remind me of him. This morning a song came on the radio that was one of our first songs from two years ago and I cried. I feel like everything reminds me of him because I let him take over and consume my life for two years. I replay all the things he said to me from the beginning like a movie until I make myself stop. I'm petrified I'll never get over him but I know I have to. He's moving on and living his life and i have to also. I will miss him everyday until I make peace with it and find my own happiness. One day at a time, that all we can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 You did the right thing. I walk into my closet sometimes and catch my breath because there are so many things that remind me of him. This morning a song came on the radio that was one of our first songs from two years ago and I cried. I feel like everything reminds me of him because I let him take over and consume my life for two years. I replay all the things he said to me from the beginning like a movie until I make myself stop. I'm petrified I'll never get over him but I know I have to. He's moving on and living his life and i have to also. I will miss him everyday until I make peace with it and find my own happiness. One day at a time, that all we can do. Thanks Ronnie33 funny...I have a whole playlist he put on my ipod that were "our" songs. I don't ever play the playlist. If the songs happen to come on the radio I change the station immediately. I have replayed every detail of our relationship in my mind as well...wondering if anything that came out of his mouth was ever a true feeling to him, or just a way to keep me on the side until he was finished playing. I just thought of something...I said that those things were all I had left of him and our relationship....but I never really had him to begin with. Just bits and pieces, stolen moments...hidden like a dirty secret. His wife had him the whole time...she's had him for years. He was not mine to have. I keep telling myself that over and over...he chose to save his marriage and is moving on with his life, I have to continue to draw the strength from within to get there myself I question sometimes if I need some type of medication 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 (edited) Mine is getting engaged in a month so for the meat month in my head I'm going to be counting down the days. It just amazes me because I remember when they started dating and everything he said about her that first year and now he's so in love. I get mad at him but then get mad at myself for thinking that I really thought our connection was going to keep him waiting. What an idiot I was!! The worst part is I really am going to miss him as a person. If I could go back and erase the affair And keep the friendship I would do it without any hesitation. Edited April 1, 2015 by Ronnie33 Link to post Share on other sites
solostand Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I still have junk from him lying around. I have an envelope from his Christmas card with "To beautiful Solostand, Merry Christmas, xxoo. Love MM" On my evil days I want to mail it to his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 I still have junk from him lying around. I have an envelope from his Christmas card with "To beautiful Solostand, Merry Christmas, xxoo. Love MM" On my evil days I want to mail it to his wife. And that right there is why I purged everything...because when anyone is hurting the reaction to hurt that person is extremely hard to resist. But I know, and HE knows, that he hurt me...I hurt him, and WE hurt his wife and family. So even though I get caught up in the..."look at him going around all happy, not even scathed by any of this"...and then I bring myself back around and realize he is very good at hiding emotions, burying his head in the sand so to speak...so while I hurt and try to deal with this now, he will have to at some point too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
I4givehim Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I still have junk from him lying around. I have an envelope from his Christmas card with "To beautiful Solostand, Merry Christmas, xxoo. Love MM" On my evil days I want to mail it to his wife. The OW sent me pictures, love letters, told me all the bad things he said about me during their year A. I didn't deserve that. I didn't do anything wrong. The pain of finding out that the man you were planning on spending the rest of your life with has been sleeping with a OW is horrible. Believe me the W is hurting enough. The MM has to look at her every day and see the pain he caused. She is innocent. She did nothing to you. She just loved her husband. The W said for better or for worst and stuck by him through good times and bad. That doesn't make her a bad person. No one comes out of an A unharmed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Getting rid of anything that reminds you of him was one of the best things you could of done, especially towards your path to healing. I'd even go as far as deleting that playlist he created for you but I'm sure you will do so when you're ready. Its like you have to literally remove him out of your system, your mind, your heart and holding on to those sentiments leaves a part of him with you. They are memories of the past of something that is no more and that hurts. I understand, it's painful and you are not alone but you are on the right path. You'll have your low points but you need that in order to appreciate the highs. You may not see it now but you'll thank yourself later for leaving this situation. You will be better & stronger because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 The OW sent me pictures, love letters, told me all the bad things he said about me during their year A. I didn't deserve that. I didn't do anything wrong. The pain of finding out that the man you were planning on spending the rest of your life with has been sleeping with a OW is horrible. Believe me the W is hurting enough. The MM has to look at her every day and see the pain he caused. She is innocent. She did nothing to you. She just loved her husband. The W said for better or for worst and stuck by him through good times and bad. That doesn't make her a bad person. No one comes out of an A unharmed. No you didn't deserve that at all. I'm sorry you've been hurt and I can't even imagine how you can post on this side of the fence so to speak, that takes such strength. Hi W is not a bad person, not that I know her personally...but she didn't deserve to have her world turned upside down for our selfishness. It probably is easier for me...I don't have to face anyone but the reflection in the mirror on a daily basis. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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