MM left W , then went back

[farrah5451]

I've never cried so much. Im heartbroken. So atfer MM broke NC , he told me after trying for a couple of months , he couldn't stay with W anymore, was not in love with her and was miserable without me. He told her, they then told the kids. He left the next day. I had him for a week. It was the most beautiful week of my life. We went out in public, ate dinner out, we were so happy.

 

His kids wont speak to him, this was weighing on him , one of them even wrote him a letter begging for him to come back. He told me he wont go back because hes so in love with me and felt we were meant to be together. He said he knows we will be married in the near future. But the phone calls never stopped. W would call everyday, telling him of the devestation at home, she was not eating, she was dizzy, He would cry because he felt awful.

 

By the end of the week she told him one of thier kids was not doing well, she felt she could be suicidal. . He cried all day. I told him he had to go back. We cried , held each other for three hours. The W told him , if you come back, you cant see or speak to OW. And dont come back just for kids. He went back called me next day. Said he would die for me , he'll never forgive himself for what he did to me. He'll never love anyone the way he loved me. He doesn't know why he went back, if its guilt, he does love his W.

 

I realized its over. But then he said I hope your pregnant, because then I could be with you forever. I dont understand this. When he left , he said I dont feel its goodbye, but I think it is finally over. My God, I cant believe it. Anyway I could use some advice , words of comfort.

Edited March 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[loveboid]

Why did you tell him he had to go back? No one has to do anything. These are all choices. Some choices we like more than others. So why did you choose to tell him to go back?

 

I'm all for true love. It takes effort though. You saw how hard she fought, right? All of her wailing and suicide talk weren't magic and against her will. She chose all of that behavior.

 

Btw, threatening suicide to keep someone around is emotional manipulation. If he's wondering why he's going back against his heart then this could be why. If it were real suicide his absence or presence wouldn't stop it. Depression is serious and has nothing to do with that. He would need to send the person to a doctor whether he's there or not. Magically curing someone's suicidal tendencies by coming home...I bet lots of people wish that were possible.

Edited March 28, 2015 by loveboid
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[Popsicle]

End it now yourself. Don't be his forever mistress because that it what he is trying to set you up as.

[Majormisstep]

Farrah, I'm so sorry you are going through this. How awful. Cry your eyes out until the tears have dried up. Affairs are ugly and devastating and hurt so many people. It is extremely rare that anyone escapes without some level of pain.

 

It won't be over until YOU finish it. Once he's settled back into his M and his W and kids are comforted, he'll be back. But Farrah, do you really want that? Why? Think about that during this difficult time. Knowing he's committed to his family and using you as his side piece? You mentioned how good it felt to have a relationship out in the open. Then work towards having one of those Farrah, just not with a MM. You will always be his hidden secret.

 

He might love you, but he loves them more. Most men will stay M out of duty or fear of hurting the kids. He made his choice - now you make YOURS. Get mad at him for doing this to you and his family.

[anika99]

By saying he hopes you are pregnant because then he could be with you forever he meant that by having his child you would have a part of him forever. It also means he's incredibly immature and childish. How heartless of him to want to bring another child into this painful situation.

 

 

I think people can become suicidal due to an immediate situation rather than deeper issues. When I had a loved one die a few years ago for the very first time in my life I started having suicidal thoughts. I'm not prone to depression and had never been suicidal in my life but my immediate anguish over my loss caused me to briefly grapple with these scary thoughts and feelings.

 

 

It's nearly impossible to leave a marriage and walk right into another relationship without negative consequences. If he left his wife and moved right in with you then that wasn't a very well thought out plan nor did it consider his kids and their reaction. When people care about the well being of their kids and divorcing in a way that isn't destructive to them then they make their kids their primary focus when they leave. They don't go play with their AP. Instead they rent a place where the kids can visit, arrange counselling and spend all the time it takes to make their kids feel secure and loved. I'd advise little to no contact with the AP during the first 6 months of separation.

 

 

Most cheating spouses wouldn't leave though if it meant they actually had to actually take responsibility and address their problems. Usually when the leave they just run away from home and try to escape their problems and their reality with their OP, but until they address their own issues and deal with the devastation they left behind it will never work.

[obtuseedge]

This ain't over yet.

[Doublegold]

So sorry for your pain and heartbreak!

 

He left the W and was guilted back. Period. Everything those MM who cheat but stay in the M out of fear of the consequences to the W, children etc--that is what happened to him. Whatever his faults, he did leave, even if to go back when the pressure exploded. That is more than most MM DO.

 

Women who are unhappy in their marriage tend to be much braver than men and leave, the divorce stats prove it. Women who are betrayed tend to hold on to the lousy marriage/husband out of shock, fear of the unknown, worries for the childen (all understandable).

 

Such an interesting dichotomy.

[purplesorrow]

So sorry for your pain and heartbreak!

 

He left the W and was guilted back. Period. Everything those MM who cheat but stay in the M out of fear of the consequences to the W, children etc--that is what happened to him. Whatever his faults, he did leave, even if to go back when the pressure exploded. That is more than most MM DO.

 

Women who are unhappy in their marriage tend to be much braver than men and leave, the divorce stats prove it. Women who are betrayed tend to hold on to the lousy marriage/husband out of shock, fear of the unknown, worries for the childen (all understandable).

 

Such an interesting dichotomy.

 

Just not true. Plenty of ww stay and plenty of BW leave. Neither has anything to with why her mm CHOSE to go back.

[awkward]

I am confused. Did his wife feel like the daughter might be suicidal? His wife clearly told him not to come back for the kids. He loves his wife? Why did he go back?

 

He is a waffler. He will waffle back and forth as long as you and his wife let him. Hopefully one or even better, both of you tell him to shove it.

[Ruffian1]

Give it some time. He will be back.

[farrah5451]

Why did you tell him he had to go back? No one has to do anything. These are all choices. Some choices we like more than others. So why did you choose to tell him to go back?

 

I'm all for true love. It takes effort though. You saw how hard she fought, right? All of her wailing and suicide talk weren't magic and against her will. She chose all of that behavior.

 

Btw, threatening suicide to keep someone around is emotional manipulation. If he's wondering why he's going back against his heart then this could be why. If it were real suicide his absence or presence wouldn't stop it. Depression is serious and has nothing to do with that. He would need to send the person to a doctor whether he's there or not. Magically curing someone's suicidal tendencies by coming home...I bet lots of people wish that were possible.

 

I told him what I knew he was going to do anyway. I knew he was going back. The phonecalls were increasing with her and her family always talking about how awful things were at home. He said I do have love for my wife, not in love but she is taking the brunt of all these problems on herself. He didnt move in with me yet, he was staying with family. The day he left , he said Im not saying goodbye, I dont feel like its goodbye. Then the next day he tells me, his wife said 3 strikes and youre out. He said she meant it. I said I dont believe that to be true based on what ive seen. Well he may have gotten me pregnant on the day he said goodbye, we'll see. But why? Because maybe his wife wouldn't forgive that and throw him out? She was always sweet to him, even during the week he was with me. Im confused, so many contradictions. He said I dont know why im going back , I know I am for the kids, and maybe its guilt.

[farrah5451]

For helping me figure out what just happened. I dont think I'll hear from him again because he has to work on his family now, even though he said he would still call me. I dont want to live like this anymore.

[SleekArchitecture]

I told him what I knew he was going to do anyway. I knew he was going back. The phonecalls were increasing with her and her family always talking about how awful things were at home. He said I do have love for my wife, not in love but she is taking the brunt of all these problems on herself. He didnt move in with me yet, he was staying with family. The day he left , he said Im not saying goodbye, I dont feel like its goodbye. Then the next day he tells me, his wife said 3 strikes and youre out. He said she meant it. I said I dont believe that to be true based on what ive seen. Well he may have gotten me pregnant on the day he said goodbye, we'll see. But why? Because maybe his wife wouldn't forgive that and throw him out? She was always sweet to him, even during the week he was with me. Im confused, so many contradictions. He said I dont know why im going back , I know I am for the kids, and maybe its guilt.

 

Farrah be careful and stay safe in this situation. I just watched a forensic files last week of a betrayed spouse who did this same scenario with her husband and when he finally made it permanent with the OW, the BW set fire to the house and when the young children were calling out for help on the intercom, asking their mom to come save them, she told them to stay inside their locked door, and she went outside and they died. She did it to get back at him. Weird case, but never let your guard down. You never know.

[Lurkeraspect]

Farrah be careful and stay safe in this situation. I just watched a forensic files last week of a betrayed spouse who did this same scenario with her husband and when he finally made it permanent with the OW, the BW set fire to the house and when the young children were calling out for help on the intercom, asking their mom to come save them, she told them to stay inside their locked door, and she went outside and they died. She did it to get back at him. Weird case, but never let your guard down. You never know.

 

Reason 24 why it's best investing your time and emotions on a person who is available only to you.

[GoldieLox]

I dont want to live like this anymore.

 

So don't. You hold your power, not him. I'm sorry you're hurting, this has to be incredibly painful to be going through. I'm going to guess this isn't easy for him either, but that doesn't matter anymore because he made his choice. Now you get to make yours, and you should decide not to live like this anymore. IF he does come back, end it. This isn't fair to you (or his wife, but she needs to make up her own mind).

[jellybean89]

Farrah be careful and stay safe in this situation. I just watched a forensic files last week of a betrayed spouse who did this same scenario with her husband and when he finally made it permanent with the OW, the BW set fire to the house and when the young children were calling out for help on the intercom, asking their mom to come save them, she told them to stay inside their locked door, and she went outside and they died. She did it to get back at him. Weird case, but never let your guard down. You never know.

 

And I saw a Dateline special where the OW killed the wife so she could have the cheater all to herself.

 

there are all kinds of crazy people everywhere. Getting involved with a MM says something about the OW. Reading on here who so many OW "want to die" if they can't have the MM, how they will do "anything" to keep the MM, etc is all very sad and pitiful. OW go into the affair knowing the MM is married and they settle for the crumbs, but as time goes by, they want more and more and their anxiety ramps up when they realize month after month that that MM isn't leaving...and maybe, just maybe, the marriage was never "in trouble" as the MM had claimed.

 

OP - you do not want to have the MM's baby. If you think he will 'choose' you, you are wrong. There are countless stories on here about pregnant OW who think that having the MM's baby will bring them closer to 'getting' the MM, when in reality, affairs are about fantasy and no stress...and a pregnant mistress is the opposite of that. How anyone can willingly put a child in the middle of this shows what a crappy person they are. No child should be the pawn used to 'get a man'.

[SleekArchitecture]

And I saw a Dateline special where the OW killed the wife so she could have the cheater all to herself.

 

there are all kinds of crazy people everywhere. Getting involved with a MM says something about the OW. Reading on here who so many OW "want to die" if they can't have the MM, how they will do "anything" to keep the MM, etc is all very sad and pitiful. OW go into the affair knowing the MM is married and they settle for the crumbs, but as time goes by, they want more and more and their anxiety ramps up when they realize month after month that that MM isn't leaving...and maybe, just maybe, the marriage was never "in trouble" as the MM had claimed.

 

OP - you do not want to have the MM's baby. If you think he will 'choose' you, you are wrong. There are countless stories on here about pregnant OW who think that having the MM's baby will bring them closer to 'getting' the MM, when in reality, affairs are about fantasy and no stress...and a pregnant mistress is the opposite of that. How anyone can willingly put a child in the middle of this shows what a crappy person they are. No child should be the pawn used to 'get a man'.

 

I mentioned it because it was similar in how the BW in her case is reacting, using suicide and the children as pawns in a way to force reconciliation. Many men will not allow their children to remain alone in a unstable environment and this is exactly what game this woman is playing. It is similar to the actions of the one in the forensics show I watched.

 

It was not broad speculation and an off topic remark to make a dig at BWs.

[Lurkeraspect]

I mentioned it because it was similar in how the BW in her case is reacting, using suicide and the children as pawns in a way to force reconciliation. Many men will not allow their children to remain alone in a unstable environment and this is exactly what game this woman is playing. It is similar to the actions of the one in the forensics show I watched.

 

It was not broad speculation and an off topic remark to make a dig at BWs.

 

Can you not see that calling the BS's suicidal ideation a "game" is indeed a "dig" at this BS?

 

I can certainly understand how that (suicidal thoughts) might happen. You know; the man you love, married, made a home with, had kids, shared bills, family, ups and down of life, gets blindsided by her prince of a husband? Yet, she's the one who's supposed to slink away and open the door for Farrah to walk into her life. And the OP is just dumbfounded as to why she might feel that way or why the BS doesn't leave.

 

If the MM doesn't love his wife and plans to cheat on her, hopes the OP gets pregnant, is SO in love, he should seek divorce, protect his children from the crazy BS. Of course, he doesn't do that. He just slinks home, and the BS gets called out for playing games.

[purplesorrow]

I mentioned it because it was similar in how the BW in her case is reacting, using suicide and the children as pawns in a way to force reconciliation. Many men will not allow their children to remain alone in a unstable environment and this is exactly what game this woman is playing. It is similar to the actions of the one in the forensics show I watched.

 

It was not broad speculation and an off topic remark to make a dig at BWs.

 

I read it as the child being suicidal. How do you know it isn't true? He helped create that unstable environment. His wife told him not to come back soley for the sake of the kids, how is that manipulation?

[SleekArchitecture]

Can you not see that calling the BS's suicidal ideation a "game" is indeed a "dig" at this BS?

 

I can certainly understand how that (suicidal thoughts) might happen. You know; the man you love, married, made a home with, had kids, shared bills, family, ups and down of life, gets blindsided by her prince of a husband? Yet, she's the one who's supposed to slink away and open the door for Farrah to walk into her life. And the OP is just dumbfounded as to why she might feel that way or why the BS doesn't leave.

 

If the MM doesn't love his wife and plans to cheat on her, hopes the OP gets pregnant, is SO in love, he should seek divorce, protect his children from the crazy BS. Of course, he doesn't do that. He just slinks home, and the BS gets called out for playing games.

 

She is using dramatics and hysteria to get her husband to move back home. If this was an OW displaying these signs she would have to dig a hole because of the onslaught of slurs from posters. This BW is playing the husband psychologically and placing her children in the middle. I find that extremely manipulative and cunning.

[Lurkeraspect]

She is using dramatics and hysteria to get her husband to move back home. If this was an OW displaying these signs she would have to dig a hole because of the onslaught of slurs from posters. This BW is playing the husband psychologically and placing her children in the middle. I find that extremely manipulative and cunning.

 

Slurs? Dramatics and hysteria? Why because she or her child (I'm not clear which) is suicidal? Sorry Sleek. That unfortunately can be the downside to affairs. And really, let's not forget who could have prevented all the dramatics. Yet it's the BS who is supposed to just bow out gracefully (which I would most certainly do).

 

Farrah is getting played, the BS is getting played. The MM needs to stop all his crying and make a decision.

[dreamingoftigers]

Farrah be careful and stay safe in this situation. I just watched a forensic files last week of a betrayed spouse who did this same scenario with her husband and when he finally made it permanent with the OW, the BW set fire to the house and when the young children were calling out for help on the intercom, asking their mom to come save them, she told them to stay inside their locked door, and she went outside and they died. She did it to get back at him. Weird case, but never let your guard down. You never know.

 

I think I saw that one.

 

DIdn't she poison the husband with ricin too?

 

Messing around with infidelity is a bad idea for everyone. Too many unmanageable variables.

[SleekArchitecture]

I read it as the child being suicidal. How do you know it isn't true? He helped create that unstable environment. His wife told him not to come back soley for the sake of the kids, how is that manipulation?

 

I read it as the wife, but if it is a child I hope they find the proper counseling for the child. Relationships break up all the time. I am divorced with children and they never reacted that way. Sad and not understanding is very normal, but I can see an unstable mother providing an environment in which children may feel out of control and the above is a result. I hope this works out in the best way possible especially for the children.

[SleekArchitecture]

I think I saw that one.

 

DIdn't she poison the husband with ricin too?

 

Messing around with infidelity is a bad idea for everyone. Too many unmanageable variables.

 

Yes! That was crazy. I cried when the children were left to suffer in the fire. I wanted to slap that woman.

[carhill]

OP, my sympathies during this difficult time. Letting go of someone we love can be very difficult, both in the moment and to process down the road.

 

That shared, as a fMM I can also share a bit of the other side, from both my own experiences and those with MW's.

 

First, there's stuff we tell and there's an alternative version and there's reality. Sometimes an affair partner gets a mix and it's really difficult to know which is which since we can't read other people's minds.

 

After awhile I learned to fall back on the mantra of the guy who was our POTUS when I first encountered MW's, Ron Reagan, who said 'trust, but verify', in his case relating to interactions with the Communists of that era. However, I found value in that, and verifying words of otherwise unknown parties, even though the feelings of the moment and appearances made me feel I knew them well. Very tricky stuff, romance and sex can be in that department.

 

My overview on this particular MM, being a fellow man, is that he's pretty good. Did the leave dance, fell on his sword and made excellent use of apparently unprotected sex to engage maternal instincts. Now, I'm an cynical old fart so take it FWIW but I don't think this was his first rodeo. He's been down this affair path before. He knows what works and is probably using the same stuff on his wife.

 

Where to go from here? Well, you made a painful choice to discontinue. IMO, respect that, work through the pain and find a middle ground you can see as a positive move in your life. Reconnect with friends and loved ones and focus on you. Remove contact means, not simply cease contact. You said your goodbyes. Good on you for that. Now is the rest of your life. It's brief. Make it count.