Gigigirl Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Why does the OW/OM always assume that when a MM/MW returns to the marriage or decides to work on the marriage that everything must be perfect at home? It seems alot of OW assume that MM/MW just gets to go back to their perfect life, with their perfect family and live a great life while OW suffers and misses him terribly But I have spent sometime on the infidelity board and post there and what I have learned is that reconcilliation, true reconcilliation is a very difficult and sometimes hurtful process...MM/MW who return to their marriage don't get off scott-free (unless of course their cheating was never discovered), they have to deal with fixing their issues at home and hopefully the marriage becoming stronger OW/OM- is it easier to assume he just went back to his happy regular life or do you take into account how difficult the reconcilliation process can be? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 If they've never been in a bad marriage or relationship, they might truly think that. However, if they're not completely stupid, they must know that reconciliation after an A is hard work and not a walk in the park. This knowledge might be blurred out by the fact that they (the OW) end up NOT getting what they were hoping for, and therefore all they can now see is that the R and the man they wanted are now somebody else's. I think the feeling of losing something that they've been hoping for for so long, leaves them with the impression that their own situation is "black", while the married couple's situation is "white". And hence - in comparison - "good". I don't believe that they generally think that the M is now all peachy. But due to their own sad situation, and due to the feeling of having lost something, they believe that the couple's situation is more "desirable". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I think that the discovery of an A and the R that follows is undoubtedly difficult - I have been a BS and so speak from experience. As a now ex OW, I also believe that as in my case that even if a A is not discovered by the BS that the ex AP still has their own personal hell to go through. They do not always chose to stay in the M because it's suddenly become happy, or where they want to be. They do it because they "can't" (whatever that means), leave, or stay out of duty or, or, or........ I'm sure that list is pretty endless. But they are not truly happy. It's a sad set of circumstances all round. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 If they've never been in a bad marriage or relationship, they might truly think that. However, if they're not completely stupid, they must know that reconciliation after an A is hard work and not a walk in the park. This knowledge might be blurred out by the fact that they (the OW) end up NOT getting what they were hoping for, and therefore all they can now see is that the R and the man they wanted are now somebody else's. I think the feeling of losing something that they've been hoping for for so long, leaves them with the impression that their own situation is "black", while the married couple's situation is "white". And hence - in comparison - "good". I don't believe that they generally think that the M is now all peachy. But due to their own sad situation, and due to the feeling of having lost something, they believe that the couple's situation is more "desirable". We have been NC since Mid January...W had an idea about me but to my knowledge he has minimized our A to her. I would say in my case my xMM who had validated his problems with his W to a mutual friend is now telling her how they are doing this and that together which they never did, and even thinking about another baby. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 As a now ex OW, I also believe that as in my case that even if a A is not discovered by the BS that the ex AP still has their own personal hell to go through. I do think this is somewhat accurate. I never knew the entire status of xMM's marriage, I only ever got breadcrumbs on that, and it didn't paint the picture of an ideal marriage. It revealed a content marriage, but he didn't seem fulfilled by it anymore. The point is, after our final 'fight', I walked around thinking the exact same thing. "How can he just walk around like nothing happened, going back to his wonderfully perfect suburban life? Nice house, cute kids". Later on, my best male friend who happens to know the situation told me I was crazy for thinking that. Men deal with things different and rarely show true emotions. He assured me that he was going through his own personal hell right now and would be for some time. Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 What about when the MM makes everything ok at home and comes back? I believe it is hard to assume or guess what is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 What about when the MM makes everything ok at home and comes back? I believe it is hard to assume or guess what is going on. That's just plain cruel. False reconciliation is worse than the affair. It gave him an out, why didn't he take it? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Just thought I would give my experience as a BS: Reconciliation is the hardest thing I have been through besides discovering the A. False R just worsened things. I am currently staying because: 1. I don't want to upset my kids lives 2. I don't want to struggle financially 3. WH REALLY wants R this time No R is probably not what you think it is. I will never love my WH the same way I did before the A., but that's his fault and problem now. I'm living life for ME and my kids currently Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 No, it's not peachy. It's like a battlefield as the cannons cease firing. Destruction everywhere. But at least the damage has stopped. There is so much so much work to do its daunting. It's overwhelming. If thats what you call scot free i'd hate to be around when something bad happens But, like pandoras box, there is that little bit of hope. if both people want it, and are prepared to work, something can be built from the chaos. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbow00 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 My XMM was never discovered so I imaine he went back to his marriage scot free. Unlike for me, although it was also never discovered, feel like it changed me forever. I don't know how to feel fulfilled and can't remember a time before him and how I was able to be happy without that addiction in my life. It makes me so bitter that I have to suffer through this and he doesn't. But that's what I get for allowing myself to participate... Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Assume NOTHING. He might be going through a lot you don't know about...especially if he loved you. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I'm in a LTA, MM chooses to stay with his family and that is his choice. I don't think everything is peachy at home, sure they present a good family life but the marriage itself might be questionable, even for family & friends. I know though, that MM goes through periods of guilt, he has shared this with me a couple of times, it must be hard to keep up with a life where the supposed-to-be marriage is not what it really is, and being able to be real and free only with the mistress. Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 My 2 cents B's here ....R after affair is the hardest thing I have ever done . And no way the marriage is perfect ...If the wh thought our marriage was with issue before affair ...things were not going to get peachy or issues magically dissappear after dday ...coz wh just added an affair to the mix.... things started turning around for us after a year ...till then his life was a living hell i was hurting and lashing at him everyday some days I even wondered for heaven sake haven't you had enough and a new day would start ....he stood his ground and refused to give up on us ...it was a very slow progress . 3 years on ...We are more heavy towards happier , positive side. Link to post Share on other sites
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