confusedwife1981 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I see on these boards that if a MM truly cared about his OW he wouldn't put her in that position...is this true My husband had a female friend while we were seperated, I have many posts over in infidelty about this siuation... Anyway my H and the OW wear never intimate but from hundreds of messgaes I read between them I know that they liked each other and cared about each other alot. Towards the end, my H was explaining everything to her and told her he could never make her his OW because of how he felt about her and he didn't. They have still been chatting recently (I still snoop on him) and he does not try to lead her into an affair or anything but I can tell he still cares because why else to still be in contact? So is it true that if a MM cares about another woman for real, he won't put her in a position to accept second best? He will either be with her or free her? Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I think unless the MM is not very intelligent and/or is inexperienced, does not know how affair relationship typically work out, then they know what a selfish dangerous and damaging thing they are doing to the OW. That being said, lets not pretend the OW is some poor victim here. Unless she is also not very intelligent, experienced, etc... then they know what a selfish dangerous and damaging thing they are getting into. When two APs hook up it is typically two very selfish, self centered, entitled people who could give a rat's behind about who they hurt, least of all the other AP. They just want what they want and to hell with the rest of the world. Are there people that just get wrapped up in the spur of the moment, slide down the slippery slope, of course. But repeat MM/OW, no, they know what they are doing and they don't really care if it tanks the other AP's life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 I think unless the MM is not very intelligent and/or is inexperienced, does not know how affair relationship typically work out, then they know what a selfish dangerous and damaging thing they are doing to the OW. That being said, lets not pretend the OW is some poor victim here. Unless she is also not very intelligent, experienced, etc... then they know what a selfish dangerous and damaging thing they are getting into. When two APs hook up it is typically two very selfish, self centered, entitled people who could give a rat's behind about who they hurt, least of all the other AP. They just want what they want and to hell with the rest of the world. Are there people that just get wrapped up in the spur of the moment, slide down the slippery slope, of course. But repeat MM/OW, no, they know what they are doing and they don't really care if it tanks the other AP's life. Thank you for responding...I completely get what you are trying to say but I am confused how it answers my question. My H did not have an affair because we were seperated...when we decided to work on our marriage he could have led this girl on and did the cake eating thing, but instead he was honest with her about everything and told her he could never make her second best because she deserved everything but that he had to try on our marriage and he didn't even know if it would work...and then he didn't use her and has not tried to suck her into an affair but he won't go complete NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Thank you for responding...I completely get what you are trying to say but I am confused how it answers my question. My H did not have an affair because we were seperated...when we decided to work on our marriage he could have led this girl on and did the cake eating thing, but instead he was honest with her about everything and told her he could never make her second best because she deserved everything but that he had to try on our marriage and he didn't even know if it would work...and then he didn't use her and has not tried to suck her into an affair but he won't go complete NC. Sorry I wasn't clear. Your H seems to have only gone part way down the slippery slope. He stopped part way before either he, or his OW got in too deep and both were hurt worse. It could be he really cares for her or he just did not want the pain and drama for himself. Not going NC does raise concern that he is keeping her on a back burner in case it does not work out with you. That would be very unkind and tend to make one think that he does not care for her but simply wanted to avoid drama and consequences for himself by going all the way into a physical affair with her before he ended it with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Bottom line on this is that if you're uncomfortable with him having contact with her - whatever the nature of that - then he should stop. I would be very wary of continued contact. If you've both committed to work on your marriage, which from my limited reading of your post, it appears you have, then this woman has no place in the equation, anywhere, nada! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 If your H is supposed to be working to repair the marriage - how is that helping save the M by talking to his OW? Have you read not just friends? If she's so important to him that he continues to communicate with her - where does that leave you/the M? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 He's having an emotional affair with her, investing in her even though they haven't had sex. He refuses to go into NC and end things completely and to me that says he's not totally invested in you and the marriage. It really is that simple. If he truly cared about her, he'd let her go, let her heal and get over him. Having contact feeds her feelings for him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Sorry I wasn't clear. Your H seems to have only gone part way down the slippery slope. He stopped part way before either he, or his OW got in too deep and both were hurt worse. It could be he really cares for her or he just did not want the pain and drama for himself. Not going NC does raise concern that he is keeping her on a back burner in case it does not work out with you. That would be very unkind and tend to make one think that he does not care for her but simply wanted to avoid drama and consequences for himself by going all the way into a physical affair with her before he ended it with you.[/QUOTE] Thank you. I just wanted to make it clear that he for sure wanted to be physical with her. I saw plenty of messages of him begging her (yes begging). SHE would not have sex with him. That's the only reason it did not happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Ok, this ^ is not good! I haven't read all your threads, so I don't want to comment on things that I am not fully aware of but if he wanted her, then in all likelihood, he still does. Human nature - not specific to your H. If you and he have agreed to work on your marriage, but you are still feeling the need to snoop, and he is still in contact with a potential OM, it looks like there is still disharmony, or worse around the corner. That is said with compassion, not judgment - and I'm glad you're posting to get some food for thought for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Thank you. I just wanted to make it clear that he for sure wanted to be physical with her. I saw plenty of messages of him begging her (yes begging). SHE would not have sex with him. That's the only reason it did not happen. Oh dear, that is very sad for you and puts a different spin on it really. He was in fact very willing to have sex with her, but she refused. I think the fact SHE refused is why there is no sex and no PA, and not because he cares so much about her or you for that matter. She wasn't willing to be the OW anyway, so him telling her he wont make her his OW is a moot point. I think he is keeping her on the back burner, by feeding her stuff that makes her feel like he really cares about her. He can then pick her up later and make her his gf once he is a free man, if you and he do not work out or if she can be persuaded to say yes to sex perhaps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 This can be spun any way you like depending on what you want to believe. Some BS's would say he clearly never loved OW if he did this to her. Some would say he must want OW if he stays in contact. Only the MM knows the truth and honestly he's probably confused and just trying to get to some stable place emotionally. I think you shouldn't do this torture to yourself though. Make him go NC or if he won't, divorce him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Thank you. I just wanted to make it clear that he for sure wanted to be physical with her. I saw plenty of messages of him begging her (yes begging). SHE would not have sex with him. That's the only reason it did not happen. Oh! My! That is a horse of a different color. Here I thought we found the rare example of a guy who held back, possibly even held back bc he cared about the OW. No, same old same old. Oh dear, that is very sad for you and puts a different spin on it really. He was in fact very willing to have sex with her, but she refused. I think the fact SHE refused is why there is no sex and no PA, and not because he cares so much about her or you for that matter. She wasn't willing to be the OW anyway, so him telling her he wont make her his OW is a moot point. I agree with Elaine and more... Perhaps he is only back with you bc she turned him down for sex! If she gave him sex would he still be separated with you? This might very well be like when a WW returns to the BH bc her AP would not leave his wife. Not a good situation for reconciliation. I think you shouldn't do this torture to yourself though. Make him go NC or if he won't, divorce him. Maybe divorce him either way. Do you really want to be his back up plan? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 By continuing to communicate with her he's completely disrespecting you. He's placed you as a lesser priority than her. Are you okay with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Thank you everyone for all the responses. While he hasn't gone NC with her, they don't talk that much like once a week and it's not about plans to start meeting up or anything like that. It just looks like two friends talking which is why I haven't confronted him yet. My H claims he wants to be with me and we are going on a family trip together soon. He doesn't mention me at all to this OW and he hasn't even told her about the trip. He seems happy about going as its a place we've never been. I just wish he didn't feel the need to still talk to her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Thank you everyone for all the responses. While he hasn't gone NC with her, they don't talk that much like once a week and it's not about plans to start meeting up or anything like that. It just looks like two friends talking which is why I haven't confronted him yet. My H claims he wants to be with me and we are going on a family trip together soon. He doesn't mention me at all to this OW and he hasn't even told her about the trip. He seems happy about going as its a place we've never been. I just wish he didn't feel the need to still talk to her. Sadly, you really don't know what he talks to her about, even if it doesn't show in texts, they could very spoken face to face or on the phone. Have you told him it really upsets you that he still talks to her and it makes it much harder for you to trust him? He is being really selfish by still having contact with her! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Oh! My! That is a horse of a different color. Here I thought we found the rare example of a guy who held back, possibly even held back bc he cared about the OW. No, same old same old. That was what I thought too, and was about to write something nice about him, but as you say same old same old. Men and their d*cks... Link to post Share on other sites
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