How to resist a rebound A/ONS

[m4p]

It's been horrible and im having urges to simply run into the arms of anybody who'll have me. There definitely are people around me who are more than willing (duh it's a free piece of cake). Maybe not emotionally but perhaps sexually and to just lose myself instead of feeling so down all the time.

 

Has anybody else felt like this before and how can I stop myself from being impulsive. I will most definitely regret it if I do but right now the willpower is pretty much non existence.

 

I just feel so alone.

[Confused48]

Do you see how much like a drug addict or alcoholic you sound like? Affairs are an addiction. You need to treat it like that. Don't go back to that behavior as a way to break the cycle. You don't taper off on this kind of thing. Its all or nothing.

 

Do you want that lifestyle? You say you don't. Put your actions where your mind is and stop. Get help to do that. Talk to people who care about you but who also would see the dysfunctional behavior for what it is. Get in to see a therapist that specializes in addiction therapy.

[nikki76]

Take it from someone who has been there....you do NOT want to do that. When I tried ending it with AP, I went on Ashley Madison and had a brief A with someone that lived out of state.

 

Yes, he temporarily made me forget about ending the first affair. Like the poster above said, its like an addiction. I truly believe that 110%. This guy was so unattractive, yet, I was so into him, because he gave me that temporary high that I needed.

 

I have tried to erase those moments from my memory, because it was a disgusting excuse for a high to my affair addiction.

 

You will end up regretting it, i can pretty much guarantee it.

 

I dont know your story, but if you are single, I think it would be okay to go on some dates with other single people. Try to find other things that will occupy your mind.

 

Start running. Thats what i found to be the best stress reliever. I never used to run. Now, I throw on some good music and I run for miles.

 

Take care of yourself first.

[Satu]

You need to have a loving relationship with yourself.

 

If you have that you can never be alone.

 

From my journal:

 

"The most fundamental relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. It sets the tone for all your other relationships. With this in mind, it's important to be loving and kind to yourself at all times. Cultivate loving kindness towards yourself, and you will be able to love others freely and without reserve."

 

Feel the feeling.

 

Be with yourself feeling the feeling.

 

Love yourself for being with yourself.

 

Love yourself for being.

[Cinnimon]

I think it's pretty normal feeling extremely lonely after having an affair. You had so much in you fulfilled by this other person and when it's gone you feel empty and alone. You want to feel that feeling again, but truthfully you won't get it from just anyone. It will probably leave you feeling more lonely then before. It's hard but try your best to learn to be with yourself for awhile or with friends.

[m4p]

Do you see how much like a drug addict or alcoholic you sound like? Affairs are an addiction. You need to treat it like that. Don't go back to that behavior as a way to break the cycle. You don't taper off on this kind of thing. Its all or nothing.

 

Do you want that lifestyle? You say you don't. Put your actions where your mind is and stop. Get help to do that. Talk to people who care about you but who also would see the dysfunctional behavior for what it is. Get in to see a therapist that specializes in addiction therapy.

 

 

Isn't this why I came here.. I posted because I knew I was feeling this way. It helped. So thanks for your advice. I'm going for my second therapy session in a week's time. I have nobody to talk to. Culture's a bit different at where I'm from. Basically I don't have friends I trust enough to admit my shame and failings by entering an A with a MM for love and lust.

 

I'll just need to get through everything, one night at a time.

[m4p]

Take it from someone who has been there....you do NOT want to do that. When I tried ending it with AP, I went on Ashley Madison and had a brief A with someone that lived out of state.

 

Yes, he temporarily made me forget about ending the first affair. Like the poster above said, its like an addiction. I truly believe that 110%. This guy was so unattractive, yet, I was so into him, because he gave me that temporary high that I needed.

 

I have tried to erase those moments from my memory, because it was a disgusting excuse for a high to my affair addiction.

 

You will end up regretting it, i can pretty much guarantee it.

 

I dont know your story, but if you are single, I think it would be okay to go on some dates with other single people. Try to find other things that will occupy your mind.

 

Start running. Thats what i found to be the best stress reliever. I never used to run. Now, I throw on some good music and I run for miles.

 

Take care of yourself first.

 

Nikki, thanks for sharing.. God knew why I was even tempted in the first place when I clearly know it's gonna be disastrous. So anyway I didn't and I'm trying my very best to not get involved with other people because I really am not in the right state of mind to be emotionally invested now.

 

I am single and I tried so hard to hang out more with friends frequently of late. It helped but the moment I get home, the loneliness is stark and painful. As a matter of fact last night I was out till late. Surrounded by cheerful people but found it hard to keep up the facade.

 

I know I sound like I'm whining but I really am trying my best. I usually start my day optimistic but sometimes it's hard to get pass everything.

 

I reckon I should start going back to my gym again soon. The hooha of D-Day have me zero energy to exercise. I lost weight but feel so lethargic and unfit all the time. Thanks again!

[m4p]

You need to have a loving relationship with yourself.

 

If you have that you can never be alone.

 

From my journal:

 

"The most fundamental relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. It sets the tone for all your other relationships. With this in mind, it's important to be loving and kind to yourself at all times. Cultivate loving kindness towards yourself, and you will be able to love others freely and without reserve."

 

Feel the feeling.

 

Be with yourself feeling the feeling.

 

Love yourself for being with yourself.

 

Love yourself for being.

 

I can't help feeling negative about myself for this whole thing.. One main point is that I hate myself for not being strong enough to let go of everything... I wish I can just forget everything and move on but days like this makes me feel despair.

I can't stop thinking. Is it easier for him? Am I that easy to let go? What am I worth?

 

Silly......stupid questions that I know doesn't do anything for my well-being but I just cannot stop these thoughts. I KNOW I am worth more and I know I am strong and time will heal but I simply cannot FEEL it..

[Rainbow00]

I know how you feel, m4p. I feel so stupid that I can't move on and not being strong. I even broke NC after doing so after over a month. I always question why it's so easy for him and not for me. But in a Way it makes it easier. Why be so hung up on someone who values you so little? Just keep telling yourself that...

[m4p]

I think it's pretty normal feeling extremely lonely after having an affair. You had so much in you fulfilled by this other person and when it's gone you feel empty and alone. You want to feel that feeling again, but truthfully you won't get it from just anyone. It will probably leave you feeling more lonely then before. It's hard but try your best to learn to be with yourself for awhile or with friends.

 

Cinnimon, thanks for being kind.. Like what the other poster said, it really is an addiction I need to go cold turkey for. That's exactly it. Withdrawal syndrome and desperate for the high even though I know the consequences.

 

It is extremely hard to reconcile with the fact that I will never have my friend back again. 2 years straight of daily contact. Texting morning till night everyday. Lunchtime meet up 3-4 times a week. Drives home at least 3 times a week. Coupled with regular gym sessions and language classes...... God even typing this out looks ridiculous.

 

I'm trying not to glorify him but xMM was nothing but kind to me. Selfish perhaps, but if he even knew half of the natural hurt I felt throughout the A because of his M status, I believed he would have left me earlier solely if it is for my own good. I can't hate someone that cares for me as wrong as this circumstances is. And I don't know how to deal with this anxiety that comes with trying to forget him.

[Rainbow00]

I relate to you and cinnamons feelings 100%. It's hard to lose someone that was such a large part of your life. And now those interactions are gone, like the chat times or the drives home, those become even harder to cope with because now they're missing the other person. You were in a routine with him and bonded.

 

I miss the high, I'm still so struggling with t right now (it's 3am here...) but it needs to end. I hope for both of us the fog will lift soon and instead of glorifying the other partner, we can see the situation for what it was (no good!!) and we can focus on the bad traits and move forward.

 

I'm right there with you. Let's be strong together xx

[m4p]

I know how you feel, m4p. I feel so stupid that I can't move on and not being strong. I even broke NC after doing so after over a month. I always question why it's so easy for him and not for me. But in a Way it makes it easier. Why be so hung up on someone who values you so little? Just keep telling yourself that...

 

 

Rainbow.. I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. This yoyo-ing sucks and the urge to give in is STRONG. I tried telling myself what you said too. That he doesn't value me and it's easy for him. But a few days ago I came across a thread that said that men and women deal with breakups very differently.

 

The last time I spoke to xMM, I honestly didn't realise how affected he was as I was more caught up in my own grief. When things changed and he was aloof, I assumed he had it easy. Recently during last phone conversation, he gave in and told me how hard it was to not establish contact with me and he had been burying himself at work everyday just to try to deal with it.

 

Because I truly care for him, it hurts to see him torn between 2 and sneaking around for me. you know what I mean? If we really do care for each other then we know this cannot continue.

 

BUT. As always things are easier said than done of course.

 

I realized we also tend to have the mindset that the moment the A is over, xMM's marriage will be magically perfect. But that's not true too. He told me truthfully that they are still working on it and he doesn't even know what is he feeling nowadays and where everything is leading too. Except for us. That is clear that we are over with capital O. That was the last I got before NC.

 

Maybe it'll help to understand that they are not having it easier too. Perhaps they just have better willpower. Or they loved a little lesser than us.

[m4p]

I relate to you and cinnamons feelings 100%. It's hard to lose someone that was such a large part of your life. And now those interactions are gone, like the chat times or the drives home, those become even harder to cope with because now they're missing the other person. You were in a routine with him and bonded.

 

I miss the high, I'm still so struggling with t right now (it's 3am here...) but it needs to end. I hope for both of us the fog will lift soon and instead of glorifying the other partner, we can see the situation for what it was (no good!!) and we can focus on the bad traits and move forward.

 

I'm right there with you. Let's be strong together xx

 

 

Thank you. I'm glad (or not so glad) that we are not the only one. It really is a fact that they were a large part of our life before things ended. Feelings can't go off overnight. I know I have to be tough I just don't know how to. We just have to get through it. We can do it! :') xxx