minimariah Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 this goes both ways - did you lose any friends while having an A (when telling them about it or them finding out? how did they react, what kind of advice they gave you and did they offer support? and for all of you who were a friend in a situation like that - how did you feel when you found out your friend was having an A? if they were a MM/MW, how did you feel while hanging out with their spouse? did you tell their spouse anything? thanks, guise. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 My WS lost a close friend. One time, shortly after Dday, my WS was justifying the A, saying, "Even CF (Close Friend) knew about it and thought I deserved to have this A." I was not close to CF and so did not question this, for a while. Eventually, I had an opportunity and asked CF, how could you be ok with something so obviously wrong, even for WS? CF was shocked. Could not believe WS had said CF approved of the A. The relationship between CF and WS did not end suddenly though. CF had been quietly supporting WS in recon with me but now turned to not just supporting recon but actively criticizing WS for the A. CF became WS's most harsh critic. Gradually they stopped talking and no they longer have any contact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I didn't lose any friends. Quite the opposite. When I finally became brave enough to tell a few close friends, I was pretty overwhelmed by their support. I did actually think I would be harshly judged, but just needed to talk about it or else explode. So I took the risk. They have been uniformly, emphatically disapproving of the A itself, but at the same time resoundingly on my side if you know what I mean. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I only told those I was sure would offer some support and advice. I think I can count them on one hand. They don't necessarily approve of it, but they didn't brand me with a scarlet letter either. In retrospect, I guess the only friend I lost was him. He was my friend before this, and I stood a lot to gain leaning-wise from him professionally. Now that's thrown out the window because of our selfishness and impulsiveness. I'd give this whole torrid affair back just to have him as a friend again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Genieve Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 The friends I lost knew OM and BS. They'd met through an affair so I though t they'd understand. . Such hypocrites!!! Stupid thing is I was honest with them but BS told me she couldn't stand them. They thought she was a friend. Stupid or what!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Yes, 2 of my best friends. One friend of 10 years or so, tried for the longest to talk sense to me, she is a Dr. of Christian marriage and family counseling. She worked with me for the longest then gave up. We still "talk" on an acquaintance level and she still prays for me every day, but we aren't intimate anymore. I don't tell her about my life. It's my fault as I out her in a bad place by her knowing as she has position in our church and me and the MM both attend there. The other one is a regular person, also a church member. It just upset her so. She didn't give up on me, I more or less backed away so as not upset her. She was struggling because of our sin and how it would affect the Holy Spirit's work in our church. Another bestie I kept. She is my friend from high school and we have remained close all these years. She's an atheist or whatever it is who is a non-believer. She said do what makes me happy, that life is short. She knew my M was bad and that my H neglected us for years and was happy I found someone, even in this manner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 my sister lost everyone. And some family members too. She made some of us complicit in her affair and lied to a lot of us. When she left for AP they all took sides and turned on her. She tucked tail and ran off. Shut down all social media, changed phone number and vanished. 11 years of friendships wiped. Now her and her cheating AP (Yep - he cheated on sister too, but she took him back) have tucked tail and are moving 20 hours away. When it came to light that he was cheating on her too, AND she decided to take him back, her new friends also have up on her ... And half of her family. Funny thing is - wherever she goes, there she is. Gee, I hope he's worth it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) Yes! Well, not quite exactly as you say. I was discussing minw with a married friend and we got into about it. At that point, I realized that I need to not speak to her about it any longer, so I stopped before it effected our friendship. Pretty soon after that, though, she started having an affair with a MM and guess who needed someone to talk to about it? She did, and she wanted to talk to me about it. A lot. In an ironic twist, her affair ended up driving a wedge between us anyway, because I didn't want her to continue it and put her M at risk. Edited March 28, 2015 by Popsicle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 this goes both ways - did you lose any friends while having an A (when telling them about it or them finding out? how did they react, what kind of advice they gave you and did they offer support? Didn't lose any friends. Did gain some Advice - that he was a genuinely nice guy, to trust him, a whole lot of background info about the BW and how best to deal with her... and for all of you who were a friend in a situation like that - how did you feel when you found out your friend was having an A? if they were a MM/MW, how did you feel while hanging out with their spouse? did you tell their spouse anything? MM friends - can't say I knew any of their BWs socially, so "hanging out with the BWs" never happened. I suppose that was part of it - they socialised separately from the BWs, so it was the MM and OW you got to know as the couple, not the BW. OW friends - depended on the situation. One OW friend who was in a very LTR with who was more down than up, I advised to consider whether the R was really making her happy. She knows I don't like him (or his W) so we tend not to socialise as couples, just as individual friends. Another LTR OW friend is really happy in her R, so I fell happy for her. Others I advise depending on the circumstances, and what they want. I encourage them to be realistic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
andreprisal Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I haven't lost any friends since some of them know about my MM. Most of them don't approve of the situation but love and support me and won't abandon me because of my decision. But I mean, they can only "love and support" me so much. I can't really talk to them about it, it's just kind of a fact we avoid in conversation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wondering33 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 No, none of my relationships with anyone changed because A. I think it depends on the situation, if people know the BS is really good to the WS I think that would make them more inclined to be upset...but then again, no one really know what's going on with a couple unless you're in that relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I have gained a lot of friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I lost some former colleagues who I thought were my friends. They decided to side with XAP - embraced her and cut me out. One of them called me last year to apologize for taking a stand against me. I accepted her apology, but we are still not friends. I guess we never were. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I'm mad. Mostly I just think it's collateral damage of my affair and I try not to take it personally. Life goes on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 When a minister at our church cheated on his wife, he lost some friends. Kinda hardvto respect a pastor who breaks one of the 10 commandments. However, he managed to find some people with a similar lack of morals to replace them with. We can always finnd people like us. Drug addicts who share needles, honor among theives, desperate housewives. Heck, look at NAMBLA. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I didn't lose any friends. Quite the opposite. When I finally became brave enough to tell a few close friends, I was pretty overwhelmed by their support. I did actually think I would be harshly judged, but just needed to talk about it or else explode. So I took the risk. They have been uniformly, emphatically disapproving of the A itself, but at the same time resoundingly on my side if you know what I mean. My experience exactly...with my female friends. One of my roommates, who considers H his best friend, didn't talk to me at all for weeks, even though we lived in the same house. It was months before we were on normal footing again. One of his other friends unfriended me on Facebook, too. It was also very weird with H's family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 When a minister at our church cheated on his wife, he lost some friends. Kinda hardvto respect a pastor who breaks one of the 10 commandments. However, he managed to find some people with a similar lack of morals to replace them with. We can always finnd people like us. Drug addicts who share needles, honor among theives, desperate housewives. Heck, look at NAMBLA. Wow, so much for Christian forgiveness and compassion. Obviously it's very weird, and it would be very hard to pastor the same church after this. But there's no reason that with repentance and the willingness to change, he couldn't go on to be a good Christian man and, yes, even role model again some day. There is a pastor that works for one of the churches in my district who did this. Just because you're a pastor, doesn't mean you aren't a human being with human failings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 OM lost most of the friends group he shared with H, as they all sided with H. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Wow, so much for Christian forgiveness and compassion. Obviously it's very weird, and it would be very hard to pastor the same church after this. But there's no reason that with repentance and the willingness to change, he couldn't go on to be a good Christian man and, yes, even role model again some day. There is a pastor that works for one of the churches in my district who did this. Just because you're a pastor, doesn't mean you aren't a human being with human failings. Thing is, he never repented. Oh, he cried enough crocodile tears to create a division in the church. But he's. Cheated several times sense then. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 When a minister at our church cheated on his wife, he lost some friends. Kinda hardvto respect a pastor who breaks one of the 10 commandments. However, he managed to find some people with a similar lack of morals to replace them with. We can always finnd people like us. Drug addicts who share needles, honor among theives, desperate housewives. Heck, look at NAMBLA. My guy did not have a lack of morals, values or integrity. He just faltered (and I along with him) in the face of being miserably unloved. And NAMBLA? Really? Way to link an affair with child molesters. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Thing is, he never repented. Oh, he cried enough crocodile tears to create a division in the church. But he's. Cheated several times sense then. You have no idea about his repentance... it is a private thing. Way to judge though. I am glad I am not a Christian, because of exactly this. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 You have no idea about his repentance... it is a private thing. Way to judge though. I am glad I am not a Christian, because of exactly this. Trust me, I KNOW he did not repent. I am not going to share exactly how but it was very painful for all involved. And trrue repentance means turning AWAY from the bad choice. Someone who has turned away does not cheat again....and again...and again....and eventually get fired from his job for inappropirately touching and propositioning his students and interns. But hey, whatever makes you feel better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
misty12 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 If I friend abandons you because of a really bad decision you made, then they were never truly your friend to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 If I friend abandons you because of a really bad decision you made, then they were never truly your friend to begin with. Really? So a friend should be expected to put all their own personal values aside and tacitly accept the behavior that goes against their own values and ethics? where would you draw the line? I can understand your logic if it pertains to a behavior that is not a person's choice, but once a poor and hurtful behavior is their choice, then why should a friend be expected to accept it? They were most likely a friend, and a very good one. It would seem to me that the person who is not the friend is the person who asks them to accept something they have chosen to do and that they know offends that person's value system. In other words, if someone has a friend who they know is dead set against cheating, and they bring up to them the fact that they are involved in an affair and that person ends the friendship, then it sounds like sour grapes to say "they weren't a friend anyway". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
misty12 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Really? So a friend should be expected to put all their own personal values aside and tacitly accept the behavior that goes against their own values and ethics? where would you draw the line? I can understand your logic if it pertains to a behavior that is not a person's choice, but once a poor and hurtful behavior is their choice, then why should a friend be expected to accept it? They were most likely a friend, and a very good one. It would seem to me that the person who is not the friend is the person who asks them to accept something they have chosen to do and that they know offends that person's value system. In other words, if someone has a friend who they know is dead set against cheating, and they bring up to them the fact that they are involved in an affair and that person ends the friendship, then it sounds like sour grapes to say "they weren't a friend anyway". I don't have to approve of everything my friends do. If we still share other values, and that friend has been loyal and supportive of me, I would not abandon them over one thing they did that was offensive, that's just silly. In my opinion of course. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I don't have to approve of everything my friends do. If we still share other values, and that friend has been loyal and supportive of me, I would not abandon them over one thing they did that was offensive, that's just silly. In my opinion of course. Funny....blowing up a marriage by cheating is fine but a friend disapproving and distancing themselves is silly or terrible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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