Closure

[Confused48]

So when I was dumped by someone and I said I needed "closure" what I meant was, lets talk and see if maybe there was some misunderstanding that led to the break up and lets not leave any stone unturned before we give up on this relationship. I hoped that maybe there were some undiscussed thoughts and feelings that would bring us back together. I thought maybe we have had enough of a break from each other that my former partner would realize they really did want to be with me and that a "closure" meeting would rekindle things.

 

Is that what closure is about for everyone? Or is there a different meaning to this word?

 

I know it sounds pathetic. I don't need to hear that. I'm not currently doing this. I cringe to think that I have done this. I just see the word closure thrown out a lot lately and wonder if maybe I'm missing something or if this is all there is to it.

[Minnie09]

I think what you stated above is exactly what it is. People lie to themselves when they say they want closure to close the relationship with a last conversation. What it really is is that they want the ex-partner to have THE epiphany, meaning that they all of a sudden come to the conclusion that they really don't want to end the relationship, but rekindle it. Closure is self-betrayal.

[minimariah]

So when I was dumped by someone and I said I needed "closure" what I meant was, lets talk and see if maybe there was some misunderstanding that led to the break up and lets not leave any stone unturned before we give up on this relationship. I hoped that maybe there were some undiscussed thoughts and feelings that would bring us back together. I thought maybe we have had enough of a break from each other that my former partner would realize they really did want to be with me and that a "closure" meeting would rekindle things.

 

Is that what closure is about for everyone? Or is there a different meaning to this word?

 

for me - yeah! (well, except the rekindle things part).

 

and it doesn't sound pathetic at all.

the closure, at the end of the day - comes from you BUT this kind of meeting & convo definitely helps. it sure helped me a lot... in fact, it made healing a lot easier for me after my marriage failed. we said everything we wanted to say and i had a feeling of... finality (not sure how you say it) and it helped me to finally move on.

 

when i had my closure with my xH, i knew it wasn't about reconciling. it was more like an opportunity for me to finally tell him and show him everything that bothered me & how much he hurt me. he also had some things he wanted to share with me. it was more like... let's sit down and review our relationship and break down why it failed. it helped me because i wanted to know what were my mistakes, where did i go wrong so i could know better in future relationships.

 

that was closure for me - that one last meeting where we finally closed and sealed the doors to our M.

[Confused48]

Minimariah - Oh, I see, kind of like an exit interview if you are leaving a company that you worked for for a long time. Interesting. No, I would not say that is pathetic.

[SolG]

I hate the word closure! But if pressed I'd say to me it purely means taking something and deriving it's meaning from your perspective. It's very hard to resolve something if you don't know what it means/meant.

 

To me personally, knowledge is one of my core values. So understanding to me is of paramount importance at the end of all things. And by that I mean understanding of it all as I relate to it. Other people have external validation as a core expectation, so they will seek meaning around how the other party made them feel good and how and why and if it was real. And still others will be compelled to examine the moral component and examine their motivation and guilt.

 

Closure is ultimately about what someone values and is looking for as it relates to a particular life event. It's a search for something very individual, that ironically can only be found inside the individual themsrlves. That's where our meaning is made.

[Satu]

Any real closure you find will come from inside.

[minimariah]

Minimariah - Oh, I see, kind of like an exit interview if you are leaving a company that you worked for for a long time. Interesting. No, I would not say that is pathetic.

 

something like that, yes.

 

it helped me to let it all out & to say directly to him everything i wanted to say (i didn't really have that chance because he moved out almost immediately after i found out about the A).

 

we talked about where we really went wrong and even though he still wouldn't admit to some things, it definitely helped. after that conversation, i finally realized that he doesn't love me and that his heart is somewhere else.

 

made it easier for me to accept the entire situation.

 

but of course, the real closure comes from you.

[GoldieLox]

I thought that's what closure meant (not necessarily the rekindling part). I just wanted answers from HIM, because I couldn't wrap my head around certain things. I got way more than a bargained for in the way of answers. Then we did rekindle very briefly (this honest of God was not my intention, he initiated and I absurdly went along with it). After that it finally ended for good. My quest for "closure" led me to being hurt more than I could ever imagine from this whole thing.

 

Now after almost 6 weeks of NC, I realize that closure comes from within me. Closure is finding answers from myself, about figuring out what flaws led me down this path. About forgiving myself and trying to fix these flaws to ensure that this never, ever happens again. Closure is about ME, not him. Whatever he's going through right now is his problem, not mine.

[waterwoman]

5 years before I was born, my mother gave birth to twin boys who died a few hours later. They had time to be baptised and mum never even saw them. Tgat was how it was in 1960 in rural England I guess. Oh dear, tut tut, never mind, let's just clear it all away and get on with things'. She was given a strict talking to by her Mil that she had to stop wallowing and take care of her H and small son!! No time to grieve. No time to be kind to herself. 45 years later my SIL had a miscarriage - she had flowers and sympathy and time to recover. I found my mum in floods of tears - all her pain had come back. I spoke to my dad and the following week dad took her to the graveyard where the babies had been buried and FINALLY she was allowed to confront her loss and her grief. THAT is closure IMO. When there is nothing to hope for, nothing to be changed, just an an acceptance, a closing of the circle.

[Rainbow00]

I was lying to myself about closure. I thought I was ready to move on and closure was making him answer all the questions I wanted to I could allow myself to move on. But what I was really doing was figuring out ways to rekindle things and get him back after s period of NC. I believe true closure is when you have closed the chapter of this book and mentally are not looking back. It's ok to hurt and to miss it but it also means you have accepted it is over forever and are committed to only moving forward from now on.

[Confused48]

I was lying to myself about closure. I thought I was ready to move on and closure was making him answer all the questions I wanted to I could allow myself to move on. But what I was really doing was figuring out ways to rekindle things and get him back after s period of NC. I believe true closure is when you have closed the chapter of this book and mentally are not looking back. It's ok to hurt and to miss it but it also means you have accepted it is over forever and are committed to only moving forward from now on.

 

I agree with you for the most part. However, I do think true closure is when you no longer hurt and miss it. And not just that but the other too. You no longer have anger and hard feelings. When you feel indifferent. That is true closure. I fear I may never reach that myself so don't go by me.