Ifalltopieces Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Today I have seen several posts that reference future faking. I'm smart enough to know what it means but does it happen a lot or are most AP upfront about their intentions? Eventually there will come a day when all AP have to put up or shut up. It seems like way too much stress and pressure. Could it be argued that most AP don't want the extra stress of future faking hanging over their heads? I know they lie to get and keep what they have, but it would seem like future faking would add way more stress than they have time, energy or desire for. Thoughts? Feelings? Experience? Wisdom? Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) I don't have too much experience with this because we did not do this with each other. We were honest with each other, in the end. I say "in the end" because it wasn't until after the affair was over that our true feelings came out for each other, but that's a whole different story for a whole different post. He never said he'd leave his wife. I never said I'd leave my husband. That was never an expectation from day 1. Now from day 1 we didn't exactly think we'd end up with such intense feelings for each other, but regardless. I ended it, then it started up again very briefly, and then he ended it. The reason he ended it was because he did NOT want to future fake with me. He knew he was not going to leave his wife (he says it was because of his kids. Was it really? I don't know, it doesn't matter now), which I find kind of humorous because... who said I would leave my husband anyway? It was kind of a confusing situation for both of us. The way he it ended was really sh--ty and cruel, but I'll always respect him for ending it for both of us before we ruined our careers and our lives in general. He didn't want our lives imploding, and he didn't want our feelings getting deeper for each other. I was always lucky in the subject of future faking compared to most people here. Never promised anything, never expected anything. ETA: I was just sitting here wondering, I wonder if a lot of APs future fake because they know the OM/OW wouldn't stick around if they didn't promise them anything? Then again, you have to wonder... there comes a time when the OM/OW realizes the AP is future faking, and they still stick around. Is it because they are happy in their situation and don't care, or is it because the feelings are just too strong now? I ponder. Edited March 27, 2015 by GoldieLox 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 We never future fake and there are no ILYs said. Although we both do have love for each other, we just don't go there. Neither one of us had expectations of leaving the marriages. We don't even talk about our marriages. There are no promises of anything. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Gosh, I've read so many books I can't ever remember titles and authors. I recall in one it saying that people who cheat tend to live in the moment with a major lack of foresight on the future. With that in mind, think about how does one get what they want in that moment? Future faking is normally done without much thought about how it will affect the OW/OM. Future faking can be like writing a hot check (yes people still write checks saw someone do it the other day), while your in the store you may fully intend on putting the money in the bank to cover it, but when you got home and its cold because the gas bill wasn't paid. So you pay the gas bill. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Gosh, I've read so many books I can't ever remember titles and authors. I recall in one it saying that people who cheat tend to live in the moment with a major lack of foresight on the future. With that in mind, think about how does one get what they want in that moment? Future faking is normally done without much thought about how it will affect the OW/OM. Future faking can be like writing a hot check (yes people still write checks saw someone do it the other day), while your in the store you may fully intend on putting the money in the bank to cover it, but when you got home and its cold because the gas bill wasn't paid. So you pay the gas bill. This. It feels good in the moment and they want to believe it themselves. Same with single people who lie about their identity online. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Today I have seen several posts that reference future faking. I'm smart enough to know what it means but does it happen a lot or are most AP upfront about their intentions? Eventually there will come a day when all AP have to put up or shut up. It seems like way too much stress and pressure. Could it be argued that most AP don't want the extra stress of future faking hanging over their heads? I know they lie to get and keep what they have, but it would seem like future faking would add way more stress than they have time, energy or desire for. Thoughts? Feelings? Experience? Wisdom? There was no future faking. We agreed the parameters of the relationship and when things changed for us - we fell in love and decided we wanted to be together - then we discussed that, made plans for how that might work, and put them into practice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 There was no future faking. We agreed the parameters of the relationship and when things changed for us - we fell in love and decided we wanted to be together - then we discussed that, made plans for how that might work, and put them into practice. You're so lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I don't know if exSM was faking his future intentions with me or not. But I can say that when he talked about our future together, wanting to marry me it did add an extra level of pressure to me that shot my walls up. I started feeling pressured by him to make promises too and I couldn't do it. When he claimed he was falling in love with me, I felt pressure to say it back even though I wasn't sure. So all in all the future faking scared me and upset him because I wasn't responding in kind. I wish he never did, I wish he had kept all his sloppy messy emotions to himself. We were just fine how we were and he made it something uncomfortable for me with his future faking, if that's what it was. Honestly I could have done without. It feels good to THEM to future fake. Link to post Share on other sites
veruca salt Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Yeah the wonderful world of future faking My xmm did alot of future faking, now that I'm over 2 years out I can now see mostly everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. He kept telling me when his bs finds out about our affair she would kick him out, and we could finally be together So she did kick his sorry lying butt out We finally got what we have been waiting for he was free we would finally be together Wrong he cried and cried for his bs completely threw me out like trash, even called me a piece of s@@t and he went nc on me it's been over 2 years and so happy to be rid of him Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I once heard future faking compared to being on vacation. someone can go on vacation and have a great time, and whenit's time to go home, they can wish they could stay, make plans to come back, maybe even look at property that's for sale in the area. Then they go home, and realize that home has a lot of good things about it too, and then come face to face with the things they love about their home the practicalities of actually moving to the vacation spot. many end up staying right where they are Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Yes, I think many AP's do this. It's evident on Loveshack, for sure. Most cheaters are conflict avoiders. This is why they are cheating instead of addressing their own issues or problems in the marriage. They don't face their problems & deal with them. They avoid and escape. It seems like way too much stress and pressure Lying is easy for most conflict avoiders, they've been doing it their whole lives. What stresses them out and makes them uncomfortable is conflict. Lies and future faking delay the conflict. So it makes perfect sense as to why they future fake. They don't want to tell AP that they are staying married, as it will create conflict and might make AP want to end the affair. Most want to extend the affair for as long as possible, while keeping their marriage intact. They know that they are giving OW/OM a bad deal and that they will get tired of it eventually. They know OW/OW will figure out that they are full of crap. But they want it to last for as long as it can, so they will lie, promise and future fake for as long as OW/OM are willing to tolerate it. When most OW/OM finally give up and get tired of waiting, it's not a surprise for AP. Most expect AP to dump them eventually, although they hope she'll be willing to be in affair indefinitely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Male Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Lying is easy for most conflict avoiders, they've been doing it their whole lives. . Amen !! Its part of their lifestyle. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbow00 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I'll give my MM credit that he never future faked. He told me up front that he would never leave his kids, although spoke constantly about being unhappy. I just wanted an emotional connection, so that's what we had. It's a very manipulative tactic though, and I don't envy those who were subjected to it... Link to post Share on other sites
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