toxic thoughts of dumbdude

[dumbdude]

"Oh no, not again! It hurts so good, I don't understand. Infatuation" Thanks Rod!

 

I don't really know where to begin. I have absolutely nobody in my life I trust to talk to about this situation I find myself in. I've been stewing over this for a couple of weeks now, and I'm only making things worse for myself I know. But as I said with nobody to talk to, and weeks of stewing toxic unhealthy dopamine filled thoughts. I will probably ramble a little, and I apologize in advance for that. I have a feeling this will be a record long post. I just have so much stuff to say. So here it goes...

 

... So I'm 31, married with two young kids 5&6. Wife and I have been married now for a little over 7 years. She's my high school sweetheart. Well sort of. We were on again off again type couple through high school and after as well. Relationship was working out like I imagine most do. When we first got married, although I don't really believe in marriage per say. She doesn't either really, but I believe used it as a means of marking her territory. Ya know, the ol ring on my finger. She's a jealous type btw. So we paid 50 bucks went to the JoP and got the government involved in our relationship. (so stupid btw. I mean really, who thought this crap up?) ok rambling... but yeah after that I felt our relationship did actually get a little stronger. The whole infatuation part (drunk love as I call it) of our relationship was long gone before this, and I do think it did spark up a little bit of that feeling again. So it was worth it in the end. We do things we don't want to do to make our loved ones happy after all.

 

So a few years in, two unplanned kids later, and things cooled off considerably. Just being two young working parents who just bought a house, and then had two unplanned kids 14 months apart. Yeah, we were too busy with life's other obligations to make time for each other. For the record birth control really is only 99.8% effective. I must have some strong swimmers. Anyway, I started to feel like she had no desire for me. She would much rather spend all her free time with the kids then spend a little free time with me. Enter resentment, insecurities, and loneliness.

 

At that time, I was working as a manager of a retail store. One of my employees caught my attention. Well I'm to smart to allow this to happen. I'm also to stupid as to discuss this with my wife! Thinking somehow if I voice this stupid crush with my wife, get it out in the open and not have some secret crush, it would make it seem even more stupid to me and I would drop it. Well, duh dumbdude, you're married to a jealous woman! Of course she took it as I was emotionally cheating on her. It caused much strain in our marriage, and almost caused a divorce. I should mention that when we were on again off again as kids, we usually broke it off so I could date around. I'm not sure if she ever did when younger. But obviously we had some trust issues from this going in to the marriage. So I stepped down, moved stores and away from OW to save our marriage.

 

After a year or so, we were back on track again. We finally took some vacations together alone. We found that spark again, and things were great. Key word, were. She's had troubles at her job for over three years now. And by troubles I mean, she hated her job to the point of coming home in tears. She's a teacher. We live in a metroplex and she decided switching to a different district would help. Well new job, same problems. She doesn't get along with her co-workers. So she decided to go back to school and move into a slightly different field, although still an educator. She switched jobs again, and guess what? She can't stand her co-workers and comes home in tears sometimes because of it. She is the only common denominator, so obviously its her. I tried to very carefully and with much tact as possible, point the finger in her direction. Well now I'm accused of being unsupportive for not automatically taking her side. She has recently (within the last two weeks) gone into work counselling. I really hope this helps, because we are not in a good place right now.

 

So because of her work stress, its put huge stress on our relationship again. Now i'm not saying feel sorry for me at all! I'm just painting a picture here. After all, no matter how much her job is affecting me, she's hurting way more because of it I know. But it is however putting a strain on our marriage. Now sometimes I don't want to talk to her because its only negative. Well its either her complaining to me about something work related, or its her reminding me of obligations I have. I don't feel any connection right now. I force myself to listen to the same complaints over and over because, she needs me there. She needs someone to dump all her problems on. But thats just it, that's all it is. There's no other conversation at all. Its tiresome to say the least. Here comes resentment and loneliness again. Our relationship is stale right now. Very stale. We are rarely intimate. Once, maybe twice a month. I suspect she does it sometimes just to please me, which is great. But it doesn't make me feel desirable. More like she's just doing a chore by it. But its more then just in the bedroom. As I said, we just don't talk. There is no spark. I sometimes feel like we are roommates. Or co-workers even! Like we just work together at this thing called life and family, but its more like working along side each other. Not really together you know?

 

Now to the meat of the story right? Current job, new girl hired on. You all know where this is going. What can I say about her that you don't already know is coming right? She's cute, she's high energy, she's flirtatious, she's cool and laid back. She's what is missing from my relationship right now. She's that bright spot of color in an otherwise dull, black and white existence. Now i'm a flirt by nature, and my wife is well aware. I'm sure she's had hard time coping with this fact throughout the years as she is so jealous. But she knows that's just me and I mean absolutely nothing by it. So OW is the same type. And man do we feed off each other. I highly highly doubt she has any feelings towards me btw. No, this is a one sided mind f*** just for me alone. She is also in a relationship btw. Very similar to ours actually in the types of issues they have had. Yep, we've talked about our own relationships together. Usually pointing out all the negatives. So toxic!

 

When she first started I just thought she was cute. The first few talks, and I see lots of things i would consider flaws in her. So nothing happens right away. Its not that "lust at first sight" feeling. But as time went on, she became more comfortable around us all, and us around her as well. You start to open up, and that's where it began. It was almost like an out of body experience watching myself become infatuated with this girl. My conscience is screaming at me to stop, and just watching helplessly as my dopamine filled brain told conscience to stfu! It felt so good to feel a spark for someone again. Good gracious it feels amazing. I feel alive again! Like I was sleepwalking through life, and got slapped awake by this woman. Same routine every day, same problems at home for years now, same obligations and chores, same same same. Then BAM! she knocks me off those tracks and into some new, exciting, yet terrifying ride.

 

My thoughts these days are just so bad, its just a clusterf*** going on in my head at all times. I know I need to stop this, and NC is not an option. We work in a small store together. I like my job. I make good money and have very low to no stress. I have no intention on moving jobs again. But this infatuation has me questioning my marriage like crazy! All the problems I see in my marriage was brought on by this infatuation. I just thought all marriages end up like ours is now. Love life gets stale, you get so used to each other that it turns into a roommate type situation. I knew I wasn't completely happy, but I was blind to see why. This infatuation has obviously had me questioning my own happiness. I mean, If I were happy, would I have even noticed this OW in the first place? I mean, its not like i've never worked with other women I found attractive before. And those other women didn't make me fall for them. SO why now? Is it the infatuation that is clouding my brain, pointing only to the negatives and unhappiness in my marriage? Or was it always there, and I just chose to ignore it for the sake of my family? Probably a little of both, IDK.

 

What should I do? Well I know what I should do. Shut down in front of OW. Stop being me. Stop flirting, stop talking to her about anything but work related things. Just stop. But its so damn hard. I tell myself I'm going to just shut it off around her all night. Then I see her the next day and my brain says F that! This feels to good to ignore! I'm a slave to it. The sad thing is I know nothing good is going to come of all this. Nothing but pain on hopefully just my end. Im resigned to the fact that this is not healthy. I'm not in a good mental state. I'm not happy, and I'm making it much worse on myself. But I'm okay with that, which is the saddest part! I'm okay with putting myself through hell just to have that good feeling again. Its so toxic. Its so unhealthy.

 

Now its at the point where I dont want to be around my wife at home. And I know its because I feel super guilty around her. I don't even know if what I'm feeling is anything to feel guilty about thought tbh. People have crushes in marriage all the time right? You can't just turn off all your instincts as a man when you get married. Same thing for her. I'm sure she's had a crush or two outside of our relationship. It wouldn't bother me if I found out either. I would just joke with her about it, because I trust her fully. I know she wouldn't ever go outside our marriage. Which would probably stamp out the crush in the first place being open about these kinds of things. But with a jealous wife, with trust issues I helped to create, I can't be open with her about this.

 

Now I don't even know what I'm looking for in terms of a response from this forum. I think usually people wright out a topic looking for a certain type of response to validate or somehow justify the feelings they are having. I'm looking for no such thing. I'm really just venting. I have nobody to talk to about this and I need to put this down or get it out. Even if its to a bunch of strangers who could care less about my personal situation. So pass your judgement. I need some opinions.

 

I am going out with the wife tonight to do something we've loved to do together for a long time. Kids at the grandparents. I'm really going to try my hardest to shut down any of these stupid feelings and focus entirely on her and us tonight. I just don't know what will happen if I can't get this spark back between us. I'm tired of feeling undesirable to my wife. I'm tired of feeling like a roommate or co-worker. This rut we've been stuck in has been going on for so long, I just thought that's how marriage must be. Only now that this OW has entered did I really force myself to pull out my happiness highlighter and run through all the things that are and aren't making me happy at the moment. Maybe this OW is a blessing in disguise, showing me I am indeed not happy. What a way to f***ing get myself to focus on myself. Problem is i feel this is more toxic then helpful. or maybe IDK what the hell I should feel right now, and that's the biggest problem.

 

... I guess i'll end it there. Sorry again for such a long and rambling post. But this feels therapeutic to me at least. If anyone does read all that mess, and feels a need to respond I do thank you very very much! Any response is very appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

Focus on your wife, go to marriage counseling and for the sake of your 2 young kids, do your best to reconnect and fix things. Forget this OW, she's only going to mess up your life and make it more complicated. Be a family man, focus on your kids and be the best dad to them.

[minimariah]

how do you make unplanned children in 21. century? okay... it CAN happen once but twice?! miss me with the "i have strong swimmers" bull.

 

did you & your wife ever hear about birth control? your biggest "mistake" wasn't marrying your W - it was having kids with someone you knew you wouldn't last with.

 

my only advice to you - buy a stack of condoms and USE it.

 

threads like yours make me sad. THINK before planning a family with someone, man. you're about to mess up two young lives. just plain sad.

Edited March 26, 2015 by minimariah

[Grapesofwrath]

When you go out tonight, focus on your wife. Ask her questions...talk to her like you used to talk to her when you were dating. Touch her in a loving way. Listen to her when she talks. Get to know her. What's been on her mind lately (outside of work.) There was recently an article written in the New York Times listing a series of questions that one can ask a stranger that will create intimacy in the relationship. Google that, and ask your wife some of those questions. Start the dialogue.

 

My hunch is that your wife would jump right in there to regain some intimacy with you.

[dumbdude]

how do you make unplanned children in 21. century? okay... it CAN happen once but twice?! miss me with the "i have strong swimmers" bull.

 

did you & your wife ever hear about birth control? your biggest "mistake" wasn't marrying your W - it was having kids with someone you knew you wouldn't last with.

 

my only advice to you - buy a stack of condoms and USE it.

 

threads like yours make me sad. THINK before planning a family with someone, man. you're about to mess up two young lives. just plain sad.

 

Well it happened with my son because my pull out game is weak, lol. But we were about a year away from trying anyway. My daughter beat birth control. She was on birth control, never skipped a day. She got pregnant anyway. That's how it happened if you must know.

[minimariah]

When we first got married, although I don't really believe in marriage per say. She doesn't either really, but I believe used it as a means of marking her territory. Ya know, the ol ring on my finger.

 

it's incredible how much blame you put on your W for... pretty much everything. you're implying that you married her only because she wanted to - dude... unless she held a shotgun to your head while marrying you? that was YOUR decision. take some responsibility for your actions.

 

for future references - you marry someone only if YOU really want to.

 

So a few years in, two unplanned kids later...

 

you said in your 2nd post (a response to me) that you were "a year away from trying" anyway - so your kids aren't unplanned. you mentioning that they're unplanned just goes to show how hard you're trying to discredit the worth of your entire marriage.

 

what kind of parent even mentions something like that? the kind that wants to imply that they got "trapped" by their spouse.

 

for future references - pull out method is NOT, i repeat: IS NOT a form of birth control.

 

I'm also to stupid as to discuss this with my wife!

 

no, no. this was actually a SMART thing to do - you failed at that part where you had to recognize it as a problem & get yourself a MC. & stop using your wife's alleged jealousy as some kind of excuse for every time you screwed up.

 

Of course she took it as I was emotionally cheating on her.

 

that's because you were.

and whoopsy daisy, you're doing it again.

 

I'm not sure if she ever did when younger. But obviously we had some trust issues from this going in to the marriage.

 

for future references - you do NOT, i repeat: you do NOT marry someone you don't fully trust.

 

(you should really write all of this down.)

 

So because of her work stress, its put huge stress on our relationship again. Now i'm not saying feel sorry for me at all! I'm just painting a picture here.

 

and by "painting a picture" you really mean this - just giving you a lot of excuses & describing my W's faults (none of my own) to justify my actions & turn the entire blame on her.

 

so... y'all never heard about MC?

 

I'm sure she's had hard time coping with this fact throughout the years as she is so jealous.

 

this is like the 3rd time you mention this.

we got the point - she's jealous.

 

But she knows that's just me and I mean absolutely nothing by it.

 

and yet here you are...

 

I like my job. I make good money and have very low to no stress.

 

so your job is more important to you than saving your M & keeping the family together? mmkay.

 

I mean, If I were happy, would I have even noticed this OW in the first place? I mean, its not like i've never worked with other women I found attractive before. And those other women didn't make me fall for them. SO why now?

 

really? but didn't you have a crush before? this is actually your 2nd one. the 1st one didn't go anywhere because you told your W.

 

why now? probably because your M is at it's worst.

 

 

What should I do?

 

tell your W, suggest MC (i bet my left kidney you'll fail at it) so contact attorney and start proceedings for the divorce.

 

and for the love of god... one word - vasectomy.

[Hope Shimmers]

Well.... I won't come down on you quite as hard as that last one.

 

Although I do think that your wife probably has a version of that story as well.

 

People might tell you to switch jobs, but really, there are going to be women at any job you switch to (as you have discovered). So it's more about boundaries.

 

True, you have to make a decision. Either you're all in with your marriage, or divorce. There really isn't anything else to say.

[Confused48]

You are in the infatuation stage. You know that, you said so. So you are already way ahead of a lot of people that come here. You have an advantage, you are smart and I'm guessing you have some moral standards and character too, or you would not open yourself up to the bashing you will recieve here.

 

So do the right thing. You know what that means. You have two choices. Accept that you can't be married to your wife anymore, tell her and divorce. Or stop messing with OWs and get yourself into individual counseling and then when you have your head on straighter, get marriage counseling too.

 

Door one or door two. In between lies pure hell, for you, for your wife, for your children, for the OW, pure hell. You know it too, so don't go there.

Edited March 26, 2015 by Confused48

[dumbdude]

Well.... I won't come down on you quite as hard as that last one.

 

honestly thats why I posted here in the first place. I know i'm being selfish. I know I'm being stupid. I know what I need to do and how to go about it. I have considered personal counseling already as she is doing for her job.

 

I agree with everyone we need a MC. We've talked about it before in stressful times. We have always seemed to get right back on track working it out together in the past. Then things are fantastic again. I need to focus on everything I love about my wife and OW will just disappear into the background. I stated in my OP I see all of OW's flaws. I know once I'm back on track with my wife I'll look at this and think, how the hell could I have ever been even remotely attracted to that OW in the first place?

 

I'm not mad at anyone who bashes me, nor will i get defensive. I earned this bashing and deserve it for being weak.

 

Well I'm gonna get ready now and focus all my energy on tonight and us. I need to talk to her too. Let her know everything isn't okay with me. I need to find out what needs of hers I'm not meeting. Its obvious to me both our emotional needs aren't being met at this point in time.

 

And the basher is correct. I'm using things as excuses for my bad behavior, while trying to convince myself im not.

 

Please keep the comments coming, and thanks guys.

[SycamoreCircle]

It always strikes me how people describing their feelings in an EA make the experience sound so original. OP, let me see if can try to simulate to you what it sounds like to the rest of us.

 

 

So...there was this young kid. He lived on a farm with his Aunt and Uncle. He helped them and lived a really simple, but boring life. Then one day he discovers this robot out in a field. He takes a screwdriver and starts meddling with the robot when lo and behold---the visual projection of a woman appears. A beautiful woman, unlike any he's seen, who's asking a strangely named man for help. Would you believe he soon meets the strangely named man? An old man who has a sword made of hot, dangerous light. Together they go to this nearby city and meet another guy, a real maverick, who flies a big, old airplane that shoots laser beams. The three of them, along with the robot and another guy who's very hairy and screams a lot all go to try to help the woman. But before they do, the old man gets disintegrated, everything except his old brown robe, by another sword of hot, dangerous light wielded by an evil man in all black who has trouble breathing...

[SleekArchitecture]

I love how the OW gets dumped on and blamed when two people have a sh*** marriage and relationship.

[sunburned]

^^^ Where did the OW get dumped on?? I just read the post where the wife got dumped on. Repeatedly.

[sunburned]

Along with agreeing with all the points mini mariah made, this struck me:

 

So she decided to go back to school and move into a slightly different field, although still an educator. She switched jobs again, and guess what? She can't stand her co-workers and comes home in tears sometimes because of it. She is the only common denominator, so obviously its her. I tried to very carefully and with much tact as possible, point the finger in her direction. Well now I'm accused of being unsupportive for not automatically taking her side. She has recently (within the last two weeks) gone into work counselling. I really hope this helps, because we are not in a good place right now.

 

Maybe your wife is miserable at work because she's stuck with an immature, cheating, self-centered husband at home. Man up, step up. Take some responsibility for the state of your marriage.

[truncated]

Geeze man...grow up a bit.

 

How would you feel if it were your daughter standing in the place of your wife with her husband?

 

As for this girl at work, it sounds like one of two things. Either she is just doing what she does and you are reading way more into her words and actions than she is. She may have zero interest in you romantically at all, and if you do end up trying to get involved with her, she's going to be hurt.

 

The other option is that she is just like you in that she is a cheater ( from what you say you both " talked about our own relationships together. Usually pointing out all the negatives. So toxic! " , which is incredibly inappropriate. How would you feel if your wife was running YOU down to someone she worked with and didn't know that well?

 

If she is like that, then she isn't exactly the prize pig you are making her out to be.You both seem to have issues with boundaries and placing the blame for that onto others.

 

As for your wife being jealous? Hmmm...read back through your posts and see if she has any reason to be. Sounds like she does. She's married to a self proclaimed "flirt":sick: and a guy who admits that he's gotten to close to women he works with before.

 

Seriously, grow the f$%^ up. You are not some high schools stud anymore with a girlfriend who lets him go so he can sleep around with other girls. You are a father, a husband and one would like to think a grown up adult man. Start acting like one and keep your pants zipped up.