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Clarity?


lookingforclosure

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lookingforclosure

I checked the Skype account we had shared and could tell that he finally checked it and read the message I sent the end of February about closure.

He never responded to it, which I knew he wouldn't. But now I wonder if the comment to my friend about him and his wife talking about having another baby is his way of giving me that without actually having to have contact with me. He's never really talked about his W to her in the year and a half of our A, only that they were having issues and he was very unhappy and there was no love there. Now in two months it's all gravy over there and they are talking about having another child. How can someone flip their emotions that quickly?

 

I'm dealing with things on my end and I can tell you I'm no where near ready to even try to go out with anyone, let alone if I was M try to have a baby with all the range of emotions I have going on.

 

I know I shouldn't even try to make sense of this, but dang...thank God I have a therapy appointment Friday lol

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The events you dug up are happening to people outside the boundary of your life.

 

Why are you even interested?

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Im sorry your hurting and likely wont ever get the answers.

Please delete the skype account and let your friend know you are gonna heal and move forward and that your thankful she was a sounding board but now...no more guy talk.

Cause if you are able to move forward and heal.

You can't be hearing about his life nor him hearing about yours.

Its gotta be over.

Please make the effort to accept you can't get his closure and be strong.

Im not minimizing your feelings and empathize with you how hurt and sad this is for you.

But EVERY single thing you seem to be doing right now is prolonging your pain.

Imagine the next time he logged into skype and your profile was gone, he could say wow, she really moved on.

It wouldn't change things, but he would respect that and more importantly YOU would respect yourself more for not holding onto something gone.

All the best to you in healing. Hugs.

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Ifalltopieces

I think it's important to remind yourself that it's not gravy over there. You can put icing on a pile of s*** and it will still be s***.

 

I don't buy the theory that people with perfect lives and perfect marriages still cheat. Whether there is a problem in the marriage or a flaw in the cheaters character, there IS a problem.

 

Try not to torment yourself with thoughts of "their" perfect life. I promise you, it's not like that. Some people think that having a baby will bring them closer and make things better. Wrong. It's a temporary bandaid and a distraction. Your better off without him..I know it doesn't take away your pain but you won. You won your freedom and she kept a liar and a cheater...not to mention now she will be strapped down with his baby. You really think he's gonna wanna play house when a baby comes along..??

 

Sit back and wait for karma :) you and his wife both deserve better! HUGS!!!!

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gettingstronger

I am a BS in reconciliation and its a long, tough road- there are high, highs and low, lows- anyone outside of my marriage would not understand what is going on inside of it, I wouldn't even try to explain it-I agree with the others- to heal and move on you have to accept their choices and not try to figure them out- I am not even sure I can figure out whats going on with us-

 

I am trying not to judge, but to me having a baby in the middle of reconciliation is not a good idea-pregnancy and a new baby put a whole other layer on top of a marriage- it may take the focus off the healing process and when the child is 8-10 (or earlier) what ever the unresolved issues were could resurface-

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How can someone flip their emotions that quickly?

 

hysterical bonding? OR he lied from the start about his M & he's totally okay and fine with the way things are - meaning, he figured that staying married is something that will benefit him the most so he is trying to present them as a happy couple. he might be using the baby to reconnect with his W?

 

i think it's petty how he "sent" you a message through your friend. tacky.

 

he made a choice. try to go full NC (tell your friends not to talk to you about him) and move on. he's clearly done with the A.

Edited by minimariah
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lookingforclosure
hysterical bonding? OR he lied from the start about his M & he's totally okay and fine with the way things are - meaning, he figured that staying married is something that will benefit him the most so he is trying to present them as a happy couple. he might be using the baby to reconnect with his W?

 

i think it's petty how he "sent" you a message through your friend. tacky.

 

he made a choice. try to go full NC (tell your friends not to talk to you about him) and move on. he's clearly done with the A.

 

 

When I talk to my friend tomorrow I am going to ask her not to discuss anything about him to me, and not to discuss me with him.

 

I do feel it was petty to send that message through her, he could've just manned up and sent his own message on Skype. But that's neither here nor there now.

 

He has made his choice...if the first two kids didn't make it better it's his right to put another in the already crazy mix. He's a grown adult...thank God I never got pregnant, I couldn't imagine how that would be

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I don't think that tacky is the word, I think cruel and heartless is.

This is a sensitive time where he knew you were hurting and knew you didn't have answers or closure and I think it was his way of ENSURING he sent the message it was fully over.

You dodged the bullet of a truly calloused person. It doesn't matter if they have 3 more babies at this point. He is a lousy person and be glad your free.

Also I felt the way your mutual friend was in the middle there was going to strain your friendship. Make sure you thank her for being there for you and maybe apologize for the awkward place she had been put in, that cant be easy to be the go between and Im sure she will be relieved to be taken out of the middle.

Make an effort to do a girls night with NO mention of him, she may feel you only are her friend for info which Im sure you didn't intend at all.

Or if she was really not truly a wonderful friend, maybe pull back from her as well kindly due to her close proximity to him and the ties with him, you really need a fresh start all together. Really delete that Skype and burn every bridge. You've truly got to fight your way through this healing and its long and tough. Its taken everything out of me.

But I know in time I will be 100% again, without him in my life even .5% just nada. Its time to get back to who we were before this mess.

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When I talk to my friend tomorrow I am going to ask her not to discuss anything about him to me, and not to discuss me with him.

 

I do feel it was petty to send that message through her, he could've just manned up and sent his own message on Skype. But that's neither here nor there now.

 

He has made his choice...if the first two kids didn't make it better it's his right to put another in the already crazy mix. He's a grown adult...thank God I never got pregnant, I couldn't imagine how that would be

 

Care about yourself by not caring about them.

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I think it's important to remind yourself that it's not gravy over there. You can put icing on a pile of s*** and it will still be s***.

 

I don't buy the theory that people with perfect lives and perfect marriages still cheat. Whether there is a problem in the marriage or a flaw in the cheaters character, there IS a problem.

 

Try not to torment yourself with thoughts of "their" perfect life. I promise you, it's not like that. Some people think that having a baby will bring them closer and make things better. Wrong. It's a temporary bandaid and a distraction. Your better off without him..I know it doesn't take away your pain but you won. You won your freedom and she kept a liar and a cheater...not to mention now she will be strapped down with his baby. You really think he's gonna wanna play house when a baby comes along..??

 

Sit back and wait for karma :) you and his wife both deserve better! HUGS!!!!

 

Well, no relationship is ever perfect. However, people who are content with their relationship do cheat. In all my years of breaking down infidelity the one thing that has always totally amazed me is how bright women buy so much illogical bull $h:t from a guy cheating on his wife.

 

OP, you have to understand that most men are masters at compartmetalizing emotions. When he was WITH you there is a chance he believed what he told you, however when he was with her, he believed what he told her. When he says to a friend he is happy with his wife and wants a baby, its pretty safe to take it at face value. Its best to believe actions over words.

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whatatangledweb

He may not have been the one to read the message. My husband removed his IM from his computer thinking that deleted it. I went in later and deleted the account. The OW had written several times but my husband never read them though I told him what she said.

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whichwayisup
Care about yourself by not caring about them.

 

This pretty much sums it up. His marriage and his wife are not your business, so focus on yourself and healing. Trying to figure out why he's trying for another baby with his wife or why he's doing this and that shouldn't affect you. The less you know about his doings in life the better off you'll be.

 

Good idea to tell that mutual friend NOT to talk to you about him and ask her/him to please respect YOUR privacy and not talk to him about you and your life.

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Grapesofwrath

I think it's best to just focus on your life and your healing. Whether he sent the message through your friend intentionally, and whether that story is even true, if not your concern now. These are events outside your life, and it's best to not allow them any more of your mental energy. Right now, focus on loving yourself and letting yourself heal.

 

When these thoughts come to you, just let them float by. Like a cloud. Not every thought is created equal. some thoughts don't merit further attention and scrutiny. When you begin to think about him and his wife, just let that float right by and focus on the thoughts that have to do with healing yourself and moving on.

 

Easier said than done, I know. But it gets easier with practice.

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Chasing_mya

Some people think having a baby fixes things when in reality they are fooling themselves and subjecting an innocent child to their BS. This may be their way of trying to fix their marriage. I've been it done before and it never works.

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Michelle ma Belle

I don't know but couldn't the guy just be a brilliant liar?

 

I mean, he's a cheater, remember?

 

From what I've read and seen over the years is that many men who cheat can compartmentalize their lives and their relationships in a way that allows them to sleep well at night while they get to have their cake and eat it too.

 

Women on the other hand, have a harder time of it.

 

Maybe he and his wife are actually doing fine. You don't really know anything about their relationship apart from what he chooses to tell you. And many men will say anything to get what they want.

 

Time to focus your energy on more productive things and learn from this so you don't end up being someone's second choice...again.

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Hope Shimmers

Don't try to figure out men. It will just make your head hurt.

 

But now I wonder if the comment to my friend about him and his wife talking about having another baby is his way of giving me that without actually having to have contact with me.

 

I honestly doubt he thought that much about it.

 

Have you ever seen that comedy act on YouTube about how men's brains are made up of little boxes, with one thing in every box and the boxes can never touch each other? (And their favorite box has absolutely nothing in it :lmao: )

 

I really do think men are built like that. Ex-MM even used to tell me that ("but you and she are completely separate" :rolleyes: ) SMH...

 

They just compartmentalize everything into those boxes and that's how they flip switches and move from one thing to the next.

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Quiet Storm

Now in two months it's all gravy over there and they are talking about having another child. How can someone flip their emotions that quickly?

 

 

 

He never intended to leave the marriage, so having a baby is just the next step for them. All marriages have ups and downs. This is why the "for better for worse" vow exists. It's to keep couples together through the bad times, because the good times usually come again.

 

OW should understand how emotions can flip, especially with all the ups & downs in affairs. OW will be sad, disappointed & angry at MM for one grievance or another, but a week later all is well and MM is the love of her life again. Marriages can be like this to, especially ones where one party is cheating. MM don't just do the push-pull thing to OW, he often does it to his wife, too. It's just how they operate.

 

I don't think he ever intended to leave his marriage, but this doesn't mean that he didn't love you or enjoy your company.

 

Most single OW think that the presence of love in an affair means that he should want a future with her, but most MM don't think like that at all. They can love the affair for being an affair and love the OW for being the OW - without feeling that desire to make it official or permanent. This idea that love progresses to "being together" is usually the OW's hopes. MM will agree and play along, but most of them never seriously consider leaving their marriage. It's just not a feasible option in their minds, whether they love OW or not.

 

I think he has made himself clear, so its just up to you to accept it and process your emotions. Right now the emotions you feel are conflicting with the reality of the situation. That's understandable. Once you truly accept this, and let go of hope, you will have clarity. You need time to heal, that's all.

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lookingforclosure

 

I think he has made himself clear, so its just up to you to accept it and process your emotions. Right now the emotions you feel are conflicting with the reality of the situation. That's understandable. Once you truly accept this, and let go of hope, you will have clarity. You need time to heal, that's all.

 

 

Yes I guess he certainly has made himself clear...ignoring me and blocking me shows me exactly where I stand with him. If someone wants to get up with you they will. It just hurts, some days are better than others...some think you should be done and over it in 3 days..."he doesn't want you so get over it"

He did future fake with me...and it was a year and a half long, I don't think you can be ready to go "find another" (as my friend says) in a little under 3 months time. At least not for me. I have to let go of the "good" times we had and the things he said to me. That takes time to process how I could've been so damn stupid!!!!!!!

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