When everyone knows

[GoldenHour]

Been lurking for a while and have found so much help by reading everyone's else's stories. I'm sure there are countless topics on the subject, but I am trying to figure out reasoning behind something in my current situation. Had a very short A with MM, and I am WW. A surfaced and we initiated NC, which has been in effect for months. It's over, thankfully. It was never something I wanted anyway, but I let the attention get to me.

 

From what I understand, he and his wife are trying to work things out, but she has told the entire community about his A with me. Everyone within our social circle and beyond, know. She has gone out of her way to make it a point with everyone she talks to. I am having a hard time understanding why she would want to do that, knowing that they are trying to work on things. Sure, it makes me look bad, which I'm sure she's trying to accomplish. But it also makes her husband look equally as bad, no? I just don't get it.

[Confused48]

She may still feel her H is susceptible to restarting things with you. By telling everyone about it, that makes it harder for him to do that, if he wanted to do that.

 

Oh, and revenge of course. But you already thought of that. What maybe you did not think of is that she may want to hurt him even more than she wants to hurt you.

[anika99]

Once the secret is out, it's hard to control how far it travels. The BW may have told her family and close friends out of a need to seek support or perhaps a need to vent her anger, which is understandable. However once she told people then those people probably told more people and so on. Nothing much you can do about it.

[jbrent890]

Does your husband know?

[Popsicle]

Some BS's want to hurt you just as much as you hurt them. They may spend years trying to accomplish this.

[Satu]

She's using disclosure to build a wall around her marriage. It's a reasonable thing. Also revenge, as previously stated.

[waterwoman]

She may be telling people to try to keep her marriage safe while they attempt to reconcile. They say affairs thrive on secrecy - she's destroying the secrecy.

[Owl6118]

Some people don't want to be forced to live a double life because of their partner's choices. They don't want to wince and die a little inside when someone complements their perfect marriage. They don't want to have to wear a mask every day with friends and coworkers because they can't be honest with anyone about why they are down or unhappy. The isolation of suffering in silence adds to their depression and hinders their recovery.

 

I am not a BS and one never knows how one will react. But it would not surprise me if I reacted this way. Having to lie to the world to cover for my WS's lies and choices would not help me.

 

So that's the possible good motive and it's not to be underestimated. But yes, the desire to make you own the consequences of your choice no doubt plays a large part as well. It is a power you gave her and her choice to use it.

[gettingstronger]

There is a school of thought that wide spread exposure is a good thing because it protects the marriage- as a BS this was not my choice for a few reasons

 

1. if the only thing keeping my husband from cheating again was so many people keeping an eye on him, then I did not want him- I wanted him to change for him-

 

2. I wanted to heal on our terms without others feeling like they could express their ideas on what we should/shouldn't do

 

Yours sounds like a social circle affair so maybe that is different- I am a teacher and I can tell you we pretty much hear about every exposed social circle affair so if your kids go to the same school, the staff there is aware-you may consider having the school pysch or social worker check in on your kids- I know the exposed affairs have been hard on the kids at school-

 

Since I have seen lots of these exposed, I can tell you that your world is probably bigger than you thought- I have seen the women (its usually the women that take the brunt socially) find a new circle and seem to be doing OK- some have moved their kids to different schools, some have stayed put and just started to hang with a different group-

 

At any rate, your most immediate issue is your marriage and your kids-try to focus and work on that first before you become too entangled in the larger circle-

 

Good luck-

[gettingstronger]

^^^^

 

I agree with this- I also think that its easy to say what you would and would not do if you have not faced infidelity- I think many peoples knee jerk reaction is "kick them out"- thats not helpful if you want to reconcile-

[gettingstronger]

FTR- there are experts that say exposure is the only way, so its possible this BS read that and it spoke to her- I am not judging any BS on what they choose to do (unless of course its harassment of any sort) because its such an off balance feeling-

 

As an aside, a friend of mine going through the same thing around the same time decided on exposure- she even told the priest that married them and made her husband apologize to the priest- in the end, I think it had the opposite effect-her husband felt like a leaper (did I spell that right) and felt the only one that understood how that felt was the OW, he has slipped back in with her a few times- I do not condone that behavior by any stretch but when I heard him talked about it, I could see how he felt like that-

[Popsicle]

Gettingstronger, you're very rational and sweet.

[road]

Been lurking for a while and have found so much help by reading everyone's else's stories. I'm sure there are countless topics on the subject, but I am trying to figure out reasoning behind something in my current situation. Had a very short A with MM, and I am WW. A surfaced and we initiated NC, which has been in effect for months. It's over, thankfully. It was never something I wanted anyway, but I let the attention get to me.

 

From what I understand, he and his wife are trying to work things out, but she has told the entire community about his A with me. Everyone within our social circle and beyond, know. She has gone out of her way to make it a point with everyone she talks to. I am having a hard time understanding why she would want to do that, knowing that they are trying to work on things. Sure, it makes me look bad, which I'm sure she's trying to accomplish. But it also makes her husband look equally as bad, no? I just don't get it.

 

 

It is called consequences for what you did.

 

 

Her exposing the affair does nothing to hurt the recovery of her marriage. In fact it helps her.

 

 

Also letting her other lady friends know is her giving them a heads up that they better kept this WW away from your husbands before they become WH's. In other words having the social group circle the wagons from future attacks.

 

 

Also she needs NC for herself as well as her WH from you. So if the mutual friends know then the next time there is a group get together it will increase the odds of you not getting invited. So she gets her NC.

 

 

During your affair you had no problem doing it. So why the problem now with people knowing that you had an affair?

Edited March 26, 2015 by road

[the_artist_1970]

Some people don't want to be forced to live a double life because of their partner's choices. They don't want to wince and die a little inside when someone complements their perfect marriage. They don't want to have to wear a mask every day with friends and coworkers because they can't be honest with anyone about why they are down or unhappy. The isolation of suffering in silence adds to their depression and hinders their recovery.

 

I am not a BS and one never knows how one will react. But it would not surprise me if I reacted this way. Having to lie to the world to cover for my WS's lies and choices would not help me.

 

So that's the possible good motive and it's not to be underestimated. But yes, the desire to make you own the consequences of your choice no doubt plays a large part as well. It is a power you gave her and her choice to use it.

 

This post is dead on and absolutely golden. I told EVERYONE for a while also. It was like I had to talk about it. The xow was just like the OP and couldn't understand why I was telling so many ppl. Of course as self serving as ppl who cheat are they always think you are telling to hurt them. It's always about them, but my telling was about me because I felt as though I would explode if I didn't tell. I didn't care how it made my DH look because I wasn't even sure if I was going to stay married to him. Telling was my healing and I am so glad I did. Some ppl need to talk about things to process something so painful. Just as my DH was only concerned with what he wanted at the time, after D-Day my only concern was healing me and getting through the mess that he created.

Edited March 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

As a reminder, the topic is about exposure of an affair, not an invitation to drag the thread off-topic into more editorial diatribe about the person who started the thread. Focus on aspects of affair exposure and you're golden. Focus on the thread starter personally and you're liable to disappear. Thanks in advance for your cooperation with this moderation directive.

[purplesorrow]

Been lurking for a while and have found so much help by reading everyone's else's stories. I'm sure there are countless topics on the subject, but I am trying to figure out reasoning behind something in my current situation. Had a very short A with MM, and I am WW. A surfaced and we initiated NC, which has been in effect for months. It's over, thankfully. It was never something I wanted anyway, but I let the attention get to me.

 

From what I understand, he and his wife are trying to work things out, but she has told the entire community about his A with me. Everyone within our social circle and beyond, know. She has gone out of her way to make it a point with everyone she talks to. I am having a hard time understanding why she would want to do that, knowing that they are trying to work on things. Sure, it makes me look bad, which I'm sure she's trying to accomplish. But it also makes her husband look equally as bad, no? I just don't get it.

 

She is just as confused by your actions. My WH told all his friends because he couldn't believe he did it himself. All you can do here is own your actions. This may help you to weed out those fair weather friends. I know it has to be difficult to feel others know your business. You need only be concerned with what you think of yourself and what your husband thinks of you. Good luck, I hope you find your peace.

[whichwayisup]

It's just part of the consequence of having an affair, the fallout. She doesn't care about you, you didn't care about her while having an affair with her husband. She's mad, upset and is outing you both. Is it right? Is it wrong? I don't know, but this is how she's chosen to handle it.

 

All you can do is focus on your own marriage and try to make amends with your husband and fix what is broken inside of you, get counseling and learn boundaries, gain self confidence so you don't ever reach out to another man (other than your husband) for attention.

[Grapesofwrath]

This may be her way of making him face the consequences of his actions. As a path toward reconciliation, I think it's risky, but it's hard to know what she needs to heal. Only she knows that.

 

I knew a woman whose husband had an EA while she was undergoing treatment for breast cancer. She told everyone she met that this is what he did. Somehow, she found it empowering.

 

Of course, he ended up cheating on her again and they subsequently separated.

[Chasing_mya]

The wife probably figures the more people that know the less chance of him cheating because his dirty secret is out. Alot of people know what he's capable of so the odds of him cheating are possibly less because she's telling anyone who listens.

[GoldenHour]

Yes, my H is aware of the A. We both have children, but they are not friends and do not have any social interactions. When I refer to our social circle, I don't necessarily mean that we were close friends. We didn't hang out or have gatherings with the same groups of people. But we do know each other pretty well, as we are both known in the community (me, more than her) due to our professions.

 

People that I would call "acquaintances" have been very quick to jump on social media and start topics on the subject. In a matter of a few days, a good majority of our community had heard the news. Not surprisingly, per the stories being told, I am the OW, so I am being blamed for "trying to destroy a happy marriage." Part of me wants to defend myself and state my side of things, and the other part knows that I will just be fueling a fire. I am not one to tuck tail and run, in any situation. I pride myself in that. However, in this situation I was very much wrong in allowing him to accomplish anything at all with me. I realize that. I'm not sure what my best cause of action would be.

 

I think the issue that bothers me the most is that the things being told are far from reality. I did not chase him, the opposite. He openly admitted to me that he had been in love (lust) with me for years. I had NO attraction to him at all. Even his wife knew he had a crush on me, prior to A. But over time, we formed a friendship I suppose. Things just happened. Things that make me sick to my stomach to think about, now.

 

I guess I am wondering how to handle it. I know people know. The people that are talking, should I let them talk? I can't stop it, but I could state my side. Or would it matter?

[minimariah]

I guess I am wondering how to handle it. I know people know. The people that are talking, should I let them talk? I can't stop it, but I could state my side. Or would it matter?

 

let them talk, hold your head high & continue to work on your marriage. okay, you made a mistake. you learned something from it and you'll move on with your life. don't worry about all the gossiping & judgement - no one can judge you really, you're only responsible to yourself & your husband.

 

and trust me, people will eventually forget and find another topic. it will die down.

[lgspot]

Yes, my H is aware of the A. We both have children, but they are not friends and do not have any social interactions. When I refer to our social circle, I don't necessarily mean that we were close friends. We didn't hang out or have gatherings with the same groups of people. But we do know each other pretty well, as we are both known in the community (me, more than her) due to our professions.

 

People that I would call "acquaintances" have been very quick to jump on social media and start topics on the subject. In a matter of a few days, a good majority of our community had heard the news. Not surprisingly, per the stories being told, I am the OW, so I am being blamed for "trying to destroy a happy marriage." Part of me wants to defend myself and state my side of things, and the other part knows that I will just be fueling a fire. I am not one to tuck tail and run, in any situation. I pride myself in that. However, in this situation I was very much wrong in allowing him to accomplish anything at all with me. I realize that. I'm not sure what my best cause of action would be.

 

I think the issue that bothers me the most is that the things being told are far from reality. I did not chase him, the opposite. He openly admitted to me that he had been in love (lust) with me for years. I had NO attraction to him at all. Even his wife knew he had a crush on me, prior to A. But over time, we formed a friendship I suppose. Things just happened. Things that make me sick to my stomach to think about, now.

 

I guess I am wondering how to handle it. I know people know. The people that are talking, should I let them talk? I can't stop it, but I could state my side. Or would it matter?

Some of the best advice I ever got for situations like this, "WHEN YOU"RE NOT SURE WHAT TO DO---DO NOTHING!"

 

let them talk, hold your head high & continue to work on your marriage. okay, you made a mistake. you learned something from it and you'll move on with your life. don't worry about all the gossiping & judgement - no one can judge you really, you're only responsible to yourself & your husband.

 

and trust me, people will eventually forget and find another topic. it will die down.

This is a great post!!!

Don't add fuel to the fire... It will die down.

Stay off social media for awhile....

For what its worth, you appear to have a great recovery attitude...

[MissBee]

For some people when something they feel is traumatic happens to them they can't help but telling others about it, many times because of the shock of it all....in hindsight they may regret it but as with lots of the actions after dday it is likely emotionally driven and not necessarily calculated.

[GoldenHour]

Thank you. My gut tells me to leave it be. My temper tells me to react. I know reacting will just keep the topic fresh, which is the opposite of what needs to happen, however a small part of me wonders if I make myself look worse by not responding. It makes me ill thinking about what I did, nevermind the fact that what is being told isn't entirely true. I don't suppose it matters.

 

Secondly, I wonder if BW even knows the truth. Is she saying these things to cover her husband, or is he actually telling her this and she's believing? Again, I know it doesn't relaly matter.

 

BH and I are trying to recover. It's like a ride through valleys and over mountains. Every day varies.

[minimariah]

Thank you. My gut tells me to leave it be. My temper tells me to react.

 

i honestly don't think it will make any difference.

if you do talk - people will probably take it the wrong way & assume you're lying. so you might make yourself look even worse with speaking out.

 

i mean, if someone attacks you? comes at you? starts something? speak up in the most respectful possible way you can. if they don't? just mind your own business.

 

soon, they'll find something more interesting and your "scandal" will be forgotten.

 

as far as the BW goes... well, yeah. i think she either believes him or is saying it to create the "evil OW took my husband but it's me he really wants" illusion. who cares, really. she has the right to handle the situation the way she wants and so do you.