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Is it real and Do I leave?


HowdidIGetHere15

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HowdidIGetHere15

My friend allowed me to use her account here since she received some thoughtful insights. I have my own set of problems. I am married with one child. I am also the only one providing for my family. I have been a good father and husband and didn't go seeking an affair but met a woman at work a few months ago. We work closely together and realized ver quickly there was a strong connection between us. She is also married, fairly recently, and did so more out of obligation than anything. She had dated him forever and felt it must be the right thing to do. Over the past several months the connection between us has gotten stronger. It was unintentional in the beginning but things became physical and the bond, emotionally and physically is off the charts. I actually love her. Things at home are just okay but missing passion and the level of chemistry I feel with this woman.

This woman gives me the impression she is ready to leave her husband. I have been honest with her in telling her I do not know if I can do the same. But I can't imagine her finding someone else because I don't want to lose her.

Can you advise or give me alternate thoughts or direction?

I'm not a bad person.

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In these kind of situations everybody involved gets hurt.

 

Thats you.

Your wife.

Your child.

The other woman.

Her husband.

Other people when the fallout is scattered to the winds.

 

Thats all I want to say.

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HowdidIGetHere15
In these kind of situations everybody involved gets hurt.

 

Thats you.

Your wife.

Your child.

The other woman.

Her husband.

Other people when the fallout is scattered to the winds.

 

Thats all I want to say.

 

That's an obvious understanding.

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Yes, I vote for leaving. It's completely unfair to your wife by being so dishonest.

 

What the OW does is beside the point.

 

And it's best to create your own account here.

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whichwayisup

You really should create your own user account :)

 

It's extremely selfish what you're doing and hurtful towards your wife and innocent child. It won't be long before your wife clues in (possibly your MW will tell her, many spouses find out the truth by accident, by investigating themselves or the AP tells them about the affair) so decide what it is you want, who you love.

 

What's broken inside of you that made you reach out to another woman, instead of putting effort in and communicating with your wife?

 

IF your MW divorces and wish her well and let her go. It's selfish of you to hang onto her while you're still married and continue an A. That is, IF she divorces. Chances are slim she will actually go through with it. All talk and no action...

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Please don't persue this without COMPLETLEY thinking it out first. Can you leave your wife and be happy with this other woman? Can you look at your wife hurting, losing friends, being judged and condemned by family, friends, co workers? Can you live the way you'd like after paying an attorney, maybe alimony, losing your home, splitting the assets? Can you be with the OW freely, without any guilt, trust issues, and when familiarity sets in and things are just okay? I mean really think about all of these things please!! It all seems like a dream in the beginning but truly when it comes down to it, the damage that will be done to everyone involved, can you really do it? I'm not talking about wanting to do it. Im talking about, at the end of the day, can you see yourself doing it and leading a happy life........

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Can you advise or give me alternate thoughts or direction?

 

go NC with your AP - seek MC, try to reconnect with your W, address all the issues inside of your marriage and try your best to repair what's broken.

 

you owe it to your child to at least TRY to fix the marriage and keep the family together - especially seeing how your home isn't particularly unhappy and toxic one.

 

good luck.

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This woman gives me the impression she is ready to leave her husband. I have been honest with her in telling her I do not know if I can do the same. But I can't imagine her finding someone else because I don't want to lose her.

So hypothetically, what if she did leave her husband for you? Then what? You're just going to keep her on the hook, because you aren't sure what you want, keep having an affair with her, keep having the best of both worlds?

 

Decide what you want. If you don't love this woman enough to leave your wife, then you need to let her go, and do it fast because the more time goes on, the worse this is going to get for this girl. This will not end well for any party involved.

 

ETA: you should also evaluate your own marriage to see what's missing in it that allowed you to fall in love with another woman in the first place.

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I feel like no matter what advice we give you, your gonna do your thing.

 

I can tell you how it will most likely play out if you want me to. Perhaps seeing it in black and white, what will most likely happen to you would be better than any advice I can give.

 

Here is one piece of advice: Google infidelity fog.

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Southern Sun

This is not magic and fairy dust.

 

You fell for her because of math and science.

 

Math - time and proximity. Spend enough time with someone who you can potentially be sexually attracted to, in close proximity, and you are already treading dangerous territory.

 

Science - seeing each other at work, on your best behavior, smelling and looking good, in stressful situations, succeeding together - all produce chemicals called hormones that bond and excite. One thing leads to another and then add dopamine, which is the same rush you get from cocaine, and oxytocin, which makes one feel deeply connected to another, and boom...you feel "in love."

 

You can't compare those things to your settled-in, comfortable relationship with your wife.

 

One cannot say with certainty what your future will be. But the likelihood is that all these FEELINGS will come to pass. And you will be left wondering what in the world you sacrificed your life for.

 

ETA: I am definitely not calling you a bad person. I am speaking from very unfortunate experience. Your story could be mine, except I am the MW. I am currently struggling through day 20 of NC after my husband discovered my affair at work. I had similar "in love" feelings but am starting to see reality. I really do wish you the best.

Edited by Southern Sun
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Here's the problem...right now your in a bubble....the real world is on the outside where there are responsibilities and chores and diapers and kids and dishes in the sink..you get the picture. You haven't experienced this kind of reality with her. I'm not saying it can't work cause it may. But you need to look at the whole picture.... If you are that unhappy than get separated for a few months to figure it out...

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First up, get your own account/user name.

Leave you wife. You don't love her, don't respect her and you are not being a good example to your child. Its incredibly selfish of you, to look your wife and child in the eyes, when you are deceiving them both. And even more selfish, that you are seeing how things will work out with married woman, so you have your unaware wife and child to fall back on/into happy family mode, if the other option falls through. Incredibly selfish. So, my advice, leave your wife, so she is open to healing, moving on and actually finding an amazing partner that would love her, completely and never hurt her.

 

Then keep doing what you're doing with married woman, both of you selfish , completely deserve each other.

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