I know I'm crazy for doing this...(Updated)

[SolG]

I'm on a business trip at the moment. xMM flies home from OS next week. Yep, via the city I'm currently working in. And yep, I've agreed to catch up with him during his layover. I know this is probably going to set me back.I have no goodbye or talking through things excuses. We've done that. I just want to see him, and he me.

 

So we'll catch up and then he'll hop on his next flight and we'll be NC until mid-year. I used to love airports; no matter how much I've travelled I've still always seen them as gateways to adventure. But there's been so many times at airports with xMM that this A has taken some of the shine off.

 

Never having gone NC before, I don't know if seeing him in person directly before will make it easier or worse. As a mitigator I've decided not to fly straight home the next day as I had originally planned. Now going via another city and have booked myself into one of my fav hotels. Going to indulge myself so I'm not sitting home alone for the first couple of days NC.

 

Any other specific recommendations to make the first few NC days more tolerable? (Other than don't catch up with xMM at the airport.)

[privategal]

I'm on a business trip at the moment. xMM flies home from OS next week. Yep, via the city I'm currently working in. And yep, I've agreed to catch up with him during his layover. I know this is probably going to set me back.I have no goodbye or talking through things excuses. We've done that. I just want to see him, and he me.

 

So we'll catch up and then he'll hop on his next flight and we'll be NC until mid-year. I used to love airports; no matter how much I've travelled I've still always seen them as gateways to adventure. But there's been so many times at airports with xMM that this A has taken some of the shine off.

 

Never having gone NC before, I don't know if seeing him in person directly before will make it easier or worse. As a mitigator I've decided not to fly straight home the next day as I had originally planned. Now going via another city and have booked myself into one of my fav hotels. Going to indulge myself so I'm not sitting home alone for the first couple of days NC.

 

Any other specific recommendations to make the first few NC days more tolerable? (Other than don't catch up with xMM at the airport.)

I mean, no one can really judge you, it's what works for you but just my small humble opinion here...you both know it's over, you both know NC is coming...imo either way its greif and excruciating pain to say goodbye, but dragging it out, preparing for it is like slow torture.

If goodbye is inevitable, "like a bandaid" is the best way.

When I moved away my and my xeap got together 3 times for coffee before.

The upcoming inevitable move was so painful for both of us that we ended up awkwardly not even discussing it over coffee.

Its gotta just end really so the greiving on and healing can just begin...not next week, tommorow...get started already, I don't know if you have the slightest idea what kind of pain and torment to your soul that this loss will cause.

Your gonna need strength, its gonna take time...so you need to get started and stop dragging it out.

[road]

I'm on a business trip at the moment. xMM flies home from OS next week. Yep, via the city I'm currently working in. And yep, I've agreed to catch up with him during his layover. I know this is probably going to set me back.I have no goodbye or talking through things excuses. We've done that. I just want to see him, and he me.

 

So we'll catch up and then he'll hop on his next flight and we'll be NC until mid-year. I used to love airports; no matter how much I've travelled I've still always seen them as gateways to adventure. But there's been so many times at airports with xMM that this A has taken some of the shine off.

 

Never having gone NC before, I don't know if seeing him in person directly before will make it easier or worse. As a mitigator I've decided not to fly straight home the next day as I had originally planned. Now going via another city and have booked myself into one of my fav hotels. Going to indulge myself so I'm not sitting home alone for the first couple of days NC.

 

Any other specific recommendations to make the first few NC days more tolerable? (Other than don't catch up with xMM at the airport.)

 

 

 

 

Sadly reality says you are not in NC.

 

 

You want to be NC get a new phone number, block his number and email, change the hotel you are staying at and to not tell OM what your new one is.

 

 

Then you are in NC.

[Jethro]

Any other specific recommendations to make the first few NC days more tolerable? (Other than don't catch up with xMM at the airport.)

 

 

Yeah- DON'T DRINK ANY TEQUILA

[minimariah]

Any other specific recommendations to make the first few NC days more tolerable? (Other than don't catch up with xMM at the airport.)

 

i don't know what to tell you, to be honest...

for me (& it was just a regular relationship) - seeing him in the middle of NC did make me feel better for that moment... but worse in the long run.

 

you're coming out of an A and in my opinion - that's much harder than coming out of your regular relationship. also - when he gets home and starts rebuilding with his W, there is a good chance that he'll try to reconcile with you. in this case, his W will be his rebound... basically. and spending time with her will lead to him comparing and thinking about everything that was better with you. do you want this? what would you do if he tried to make it work again, would you give it a chance? and by making it work - i mean following the initial plan about separation. i think that's still a possibility and that he just might change his mind.

 

as far as you seeing him on the airport?

maybe you could give yourself a strict time - frame for seeing him. like, see him for 10 minutes, no coffee or drinks. just see him, sit down, chat for a minute and after those 10 minutes are up - get up and leave. no long meetings, no drinks, no coffees, no long conversations... just ten minutes, that's it. give yourself something like that and try to respect it.

 

as far as NC in general goes? i'm afraid it will hurt... and there is really no way to ease that hurt in the beginning. you must go through that phase so the best that you can do is maybe try to find a new hobby? something interesting to take your mind off of everything. hang out with your friends, watch favourite TV shows, occupy your thoughts. and then... wait. and let the time do it's thing.

 

one thing that helped me - blocking the X everywhere. not sure if that's something you're planning to do but i don't think you can be friends with him because you're obviously still in love with each other and that little spark probably won't go away. when i blocked my X - i felt like... like i was putting him in some kind of box & getting rid of it. also? if there are some gifts or stuff, photos... that are in your apartment or around you and that remind you of him? try putting them all in a real box and put it in the attic or something. that way you'll still be able to see those things during a crisis but at the same time, you won't be reminded of the relationship daily. i mean, you'll remember... of course but it can help. and when you're over it, you can put the stuff back where they were.

Edited March 24, 2015 by minimariah

[whichwayisup]

. And yep, I've agreed to catch up with him during his layover. I know this is probably going to set me back.I have no goodbye or talking through things excuses. We've done that. I just want to see him, and he me.

 

As long as you know that it is gonna set you back, you get what you get.

 

I hope you change your mind and be strong and not see him.

[Sassy Girl]

you realise you're just feeding him cake, right? At the expense of your own well being... But hey, if he is more important than yourself, then go for it.

[privategal]

I feel like you're thinking he will see you and change his mind.

He's choosing his wife and to let you go.

This sends the wrong message to him as to how you value yourself.

[Satu]

Why are you satisfied with so little?

[SolG]

Why are you satisfied with so little?

 

I actually don't get this :-/ Why wouldn't I be satisfied? Transit catchups are something I do on a regular basis. All the time! I don't see it as so little. I see it as... normal. Albeit not how xMM and I would have caught up in the past; but we're not in the past anymore.

 

At the moment I'm not feeling trepidation or excitement about it. (Remembering thatvwe still Skype or at least talk every day.) Yes, I am looking forward to seeing him in person, but there is absolutely no hope of a rekindling at all. We've been over that ad nauseum. This is the final pat on the back and hug for support before the real business starts; NC.

 

I haven't really had a bad day since the first week after the decision to end it. However, we've also still been there for each other every day. I have this academic/logical sense that NC is going to hurt. But I still at this stage have absolutely no idea what that really means. I cannot relate; it just seems so alien to me. I am afraid... but I don't really know what of.

 

We've talked about gifts. We're keeping them. I still have my wedding dress in my wardrobe. I don't do getting rid of things that mean something to me. In terms of major things, I have a piece of art he bought me hanging in my bedroom. I love it and it's not going anywhere. And he has a piece I had commissioned for him as a gift on his last promotion. It hangs in his office and that's not going anywhere either. He has, howrver, had written into his will that it on loan from me and it is to be returned in the event of his death.

 

At this point I'm not sure if the airport thing is going to be of any great import at all in the big scheme of things. I think/thought it might set me back... but I don't even know what from. I'll let you know how it goes.

[the_artist_1970]

I'm on a business trip at the moment. xMM flies home from OS next week. Yep, via the city I'm currently working in. And yep, I've agreed to catch up with him during his layover. I know this is probably going to set me back.I have no goodbye or talking through things excuses. We've done that. I just want to see him, and he me.

 

So we'll catch up and then he'll hop on his next flight and we'll be NC until mid-year. I used to love airports; no matter how much I've travelled I've still always seen them as gateways to adventure. But there's been so many times at airports with xMM that this A has taken some of the shine off.

 

Never having gone NC before, I don't know if seeing him in person directly before will make it easier or worse. As a mitigator I've decided not to fly straight home the next day as I had originally planned. Now going via another city and have booked myself into one of my fav hotels. Going to indulge myself so I'm not sitting home alone for the first couple of days NC.

 

Any other specific recommendations to make the first few NC days more tolerable? (Other than don't catch up with xMM at the airport.)

 

Rinse, wash, repeat.

[georgia girl]

SOIG,

 

 

If there isn't the tiniest part of you holding on to hope that things may somehow turn out differently, then I think it's fine to meet him. But, if a small part of you is still wistful that you couldn't find a way to make your relationship work, I'd not show.

 

 

At some point, I think you guys need to really cut the ties. I know that you say your relationship is over, but to me, it sounds like you're still very much both invested into an emotional affair. I certainly don't Skype, text and email my best girlfriends everyday.

 

 

Gently, just don't lie to yourself. (It's okay to lie to us. ) You are the one who has to live with the consequences, whenever they may happen.

 

 

Best of luck, GG

[waterwoman]

Good luck sol. I think you are on of the kindest, most clear-sighted people on here. I hope you get whatever you need from this and you don't get sucked back in to something that might hurt xx

[SolG]

SOIG,

 

 

If there isn't the tiniest part of you holding on to hope that things may somehow turn out differently, then I think it's fine to meet him. But, if a small part of you is still wistful that you couldn't find a way to make your relationship work, I'd not show.

 

 

At some point, I think you guys need to really cut the ties. I know that you say your relationship is over, but to me, it sounds like you're still very much both invested into an emotional affair. I certainly don't Skype, text and email my best girlfriends everyday.

 

 

Gently, just don't lie to yourself. (It's okay to lie to us. ) You are the one who has to live with the consequences, whenever they may happen.

 

 

Best of luck, GG

 

Thanks GG. We absolutely are wistful that we couldn't find a way to make it work And I guess we are now in an EA. Yes, we do need to stop hanging on. Someone on here once described xMM as my security blankie. I don't that's too far from accurate.

 

But we really are trying to be just friends again (and not the Glass type). I'm beginning to believe that that may be futile. I knew I'd have trouble, but still really hoped. I still do hope about this! I hope the period of NC will make us able to achieve this.

[Rainbow00]

You know deep inside you can't be friends with someone you're emotionally bonded with. It's just an easier way of letting go slowly to ease the pain of going cold turkey. And trust me does that hurt ... But doing it by being friends will only lead to more hurt. It's like slowly pulling off a band aid - you're going to be hurt when it's not enough or what if he decides to pursue someone else? It's better to make a clean break, for yourself and for your emotions.

[privategal]

Thanks GG. We absolutely are wistful that we couldn't find a way to make it work And I guess we are now in an EA. Yes, we do need to stop hanging on. Someone on here once described xMM as my security blankie. I don't that's too far from accurate.

 

But we really are trying to be just friends again (and not the Glass type). I'm beginning to believe that that may be futile. I knew I'd have trouble, but still really hoped. I still do hope about this! I hope the period of NC will make us able to achieve this.

Nc is for moving ON and healing.

I have a feeling your one of the ones thats gonna have to learn the hard way.

And you will keep him on the pedestal and pine for him as he moves on with his WIFE.

Help yourself cause you seem resistant to the reality being served up to you here.

You want to vent, fine, we will listen, and watch while your heart keeps breaking cause you wont take control and let the cold truth settle in....ITS OVER FOREVER

[minimariah]

any news, SolG?

how are you holding up?

[ComingInHot]

SoIg, I like you. Please just guard your heart 'enough' that he doesn't take another piece of it with him when he leaves.

Take care of You!!

CiH*

[Cali408]

SolG you can't be friends and why be friends? You can't get over someone unless you permanently delete them from your life, and that takes courage.

 

I hope you do/did the right thing. Please move on for your sanity.

[SolG]

Just arrived home. xMM's OS wrap up took longer than anticipated so he didn't make it back for Easter. In fact, the timings ended up being he arrived yesterday ahead of me flying out on a red eye. We had a leisurely dinner at the airline lounge and he saw me off. He's still there taking care of some more stuff and will head home to his family hopefully in a day or two.

 

No tears or histrionics at all this time. We exchanged gifts; I gave him a welcome back pack of local gourmet goodies, and he gave me a shirt he wore for a particularly big deal he closed while OS (shirt off his back... It's a work thing). We talked some about us, some about his impending homecoming, and a whole lot about work. Then a farewell hug and kiss on the cheek at the gate. All very civilised really :-/

 

Our agreement to go NC when he gets home still stands. But he's not there yet, so we're still talking. He'll call tonight to see how I travelled and to fill me in on his progress with work (some tricky stuff going on). To be honest I feel like I'm stuck at the starters' gate waiting for that puff of smoke to be off and racing. Like... Any minute now...

 

I know I'm perpetuating this, and that I don't have to. But I also don't feel any compelling need to just cut things off ahead of xMM getting home. Right now I feel sort of comfortable. I know it may just be the calm before the emotional storm.

 

I also feel like this is a good week to start NC whatever day that ends up being. Frankly I'm so flat chat with work, plus I have a work friend flying in tomorrow that I want to fit in for a catch up while he's in town... I don't feel like I'll have time to be devastated!

 

Feeling kind of ambivalent right now I guess.

[minimariah]

that's good! you seem calm and optimistic.

one day at a time. i wish you the best!

[SolG]

Funny how I've been expecting this for so long, but it still feels like somewhat of a shock. xMM flies home tomorrow. He'll be there tomorrow evening. So that's it I guess. NC will start then.

 

I feel... Odd :-/ I've read so many here post about the pain and anguish. I'm braced for that. I've also read about the struggles with time. I think I'll be okay with the time... It's the words I'm worried about. What to do about the words that I'm so used to speaking to xMM every day for almost five years?

 

Words about my day, my thoughts, my feelings, my work, my joys, my disappointments... The deep intimacies shared, the passionate disagreements, politics, history, religion, travel... And in turn listening to his.

 

I have this wierd little scene in my head right now of unspoken words falling around me. More and more each day until I'm buried and disappear under a veritable giant midden of unrealised conversation.

 

I don't feel inconsolable or emotionally devastated right now. I feel a deep, deep tiredness and sorrow right down to my bones.

[WakingUp]

Sol honey... Im sending hugs to you. xxx

 

 

Hang in there you wonderful girl. You will get to the other side!

 

 

The thing about words... is that is all they are.

 

 

When you take away the words... there isn't a lot left.

Edited April 8, 2015 by WakingUp

[Furious]

Funny how I've been expecting this for so long, but it still feels like somewhat of a shock. xMM flies home tomorrow. He'll be there tomorrow evening. So that's it I guess. NC will start then.

 

I feel... Odd :-/ I've read so many here post about the pain and anguish. I'm braced for that. I've also read about the struggles with time. I think I'll be okay with the time... It's the words I'm worried about. What to do about the words that I'm so used to speaking to xMM every day for almost five years?

 

Words about my day, my thoughts, my feelings, my work, my joys, my disappointments... The deep intimacies shared, the passionate disagreements, politics, history, religion, travel... And in turn listening to his.

 

I have this wierd little scene in my head right now of unspoken words falling around me. More and more each day until I'm buried and disappear under a veritable giant midden of unrealised conversation.

 

I don't feel inconsolable or emotionally devastated right now. I feel a deep, deep tiredness and sorrow right down to my bones.

 

 

I rarely post in this forum, but I feel for you.

 

I'm sorry but you seem to be on board with being manipulated and accepting of how your "now" ex-MM's life takes precedence over your life. As I see it, he has successfully dodged every promise to you and has come out smelling like roses.

 

I doubt he ever intended to divorce his wife, he stalled and kept you hanging and has successfully soothed you into not becoming a vengeful ow. You pine for him, hold him on a pedestal, and he gets to go home to his wife and kids without without jeopardy. He's a cunning man..but he doesn't want you to see it that way. Of course, he cares, he will never forget you, isn't that enough to warm your heart as his parting gift to you.

Edited April 8, 2015 by Furious

[SolG]

I rarely post in this forum, but I feel for you.

 

I'm sorry but you seem to be on board with being manipulated and accedespite of how your "now" ex-MM's life takes precedence over your life. As I see it, he has successfully dodged every promise to you and has come out smelling like roses.

 

I doubt he ever intended to divorce his wife, he stalled and kept you hanging and has successfully soothed you into not becoming a vengeful ow. You pine for him, hold him on a pedestal, and he gets to go home to his wife and kids without without jeopardy. He's a cunning man..but he doesn't want you to see it that way. Of course, he cares, he will never forget you, isn't that enough to warm your heart as his parting gift to you.

 

Furious, thank you for making an exception and posting here. I acknowledge your points. I could never be a vengeful OW. At the heart of it I'm a big proponent of internal nexus of control. So in that respect, yes, I 'was onboard with being manipulated'. There is no such thing as manipulation that is not allowed. There is no A betrayal without another's colusion.

 

However, I don't put him on a pedastal at all. There is NOONE in this world that knows more than I who he is and what he's capable of. And yes, I believe as you do that he never intended to leave... As does he now we've thrashed it out. But there was a time he wished it were so, and I naively believed that wishes were promises. More fool me :-/

 

No consequenses? There will be, but that's worthy of another post; and they will be of his making. Am I warmed to my heart? In a way I am. I've lived something here that I would be tne lessor for having not experienced. Regardless of how sordid or painful. It's made me more of who I am.