On being the OM

[boneheadedmove]

The backstory in bullet points:

 

-Met at a party. Love at first sight. I don't believe in that stuff either.

-Fell deeply in love with one another.

-Tried to break it off multiple times. Kept coming back to one another.

-About three months from the beginning, husband found out. We met "one last time," initiated NC so she could concentrate on fixing her marriage.

-Lasted all of about 3 weeks and we were back together. Her heart wasn't into it and our relationship showed her the cracks in her marriage. She felt she married the wrong man.

-Started seeing each other again, with more half-hearted attempts to break it off. During this time she talked of getting herself "in a position to leave."

-After another three months or so, husband found out again. The plan is to get a divorce.

 

Which leads me to the place I'm at now. Her and I have had numerous discussions about what it would take for her to leave him. She cannot give me anything concrete. Her concerns is that she's financially dependent on him and that's something she wants to regain for herself. She's also concerned over health issues and doesn't want to leave until she gets herself checked under his insurance because she cannot afford it at this point. I've offered her financial support, in differing ways, in order for her to leave. She's turned down each offer.

 

At this point, I'm 10 days NC, telling her this constant back and forth is killing me. That I'm wracked with guilt, jealousy, paranoia, and loneliness. I understand why she would want to position herself in a way so she and I can start out in a better spot, but at the same time her lack of solidity in planning is worrying me. I vacillate between anger, sorrow, and betrayal (I know, I have no right to feel that one). I feel both like I'm being taken for a ride and that I'm not being patient and understanding enough.

 

Right now I'm positioning myself to never hear from her again. I've blocked all forms of social media. I feel like I'm being smart and also making a mistake, that I'm sending a selfish message, even though I feel she herself is being selfish.

[Cali408]

You're doing the right thing. All affairs are selfish. Once you stop getting a return it's not worth it anymore

 

Do you imagine a future with her? If so, leave her alone until the divorce is final. Once it's final then you can date her. Until then, go live your life, because if you wait, as you've stated, you're going to drive yourself crazy.

 

Does she have children? Also, remember this, you see the best side of her. You'll never be number one, her kids will be resentful and you'll have an angry ex-husband. Crisis always going on fighting over kids, child support, etc.

 

Also, fiscally, she's not bringing anything to the table. So you're now Lancelot saving the poor damsel in distress.

 

That's your best case scenario if you want a future.

 

If not, go find someone else, your 10 days in and I'm sure it's getting a little easier.

 

Hope this helps

[elaine567]

Her concerns is that she's financially dependent on him and that's something she wants to regain for herself. She's also concerned over health issues and doesn't want to leave until she gets herself checked under his insurance because she cannot afford it at this point. I've offered her financial support, in differing ways, in order for her to leave. She's turned down each offer.

 

^^^This^^^

Excuses, despite being offered a solution.

Keep up the NC.

[Tayla]

If this marriage is in the USA most states offer temporary spousal support during separation. She would also be covered under his insurance til the decree is signed.

 

Cool eh? Imagine being the spouse who has to pay that check each month for a wayward spouse...

[boneheadedmove]

You're doing the right thing. All affairs are selfish. Once you stop getting a return it's not worth it anymore

 

Do you imagine a future with her? If so, leave her alone until the divorce is final. Once it's final then you can date her. Until then, go live your life, because if you wait, as you've stated, you're going to drive yourself crazy.

 

Does she have children? Also, remember this, you see the best side of her. You'll never be number one, her kids will be resentful and you'll have an angry ex-husband. Crisis always going on fighting over kids, child support, etc.

 

Also, fiscally, she's not bringing anything to the table. So you're now Lancelot saving the poor damsel in distress.

 

That's your best case scenario if you want a future.

 

If not, go find someone else, your 10 days in and I'm sure it's getting a little easier.

 

Hope this helps

 

There are no children involved. I say this now, but this never would have happened if there were.

 

At 10 days things may be worse than they've ever been, but I'm trying to stay strong

 

^^^This^^^

Excuses, despite being offered a solution.

Keep up the NC.

 

Elaine, do you think this is a sign of getting cold feet leaving her husband or an indication that she was never serious about me anyway? Not that it matters in the long run and it may be an unanswerable question, but your and others input may help solidify a decision for me.

[DKT3]

Elaine pretty much said all there needs to be said. You offered a solution and she rejected it. And yes if she is dependant on him he would have to continue to support her. I do question her being in that position since no kids mean no need for her to sit around the home waiting for him to bring in a pay check.

 

There is more to her marriage then she is letting on, she isn't being honest with you, so there is that.

[Satu]

NC, NC, and nothing but NC.

[boneheadedmove]

I do question her being in that position since no kids mean no need for her to sit around the home waiting for him to bring in a pay check.

 

She's self-employed and doesn't make enough to cover her expenses, she believes. I've offered her to move in, etc.

 

Not make excuse for her, just stating facts.

[gettingstronger]

Can you and will you support her financially for life because that's what she wants/needs out of a relationship. She loves you but is hanging on to her husband for financial reasons. Are you up to taking on that role?

[Cali408]

My man DKT3 is bringing it home for you. There is more to the marriage than she is letting on.

 

Elaine is right as well. You offered a solution that was rejected.

 

I truly believe she loves you inside the affair bubble without her husband knowing you're soulmates. It's the perfect relationship until something has to give.

 

It's ok to feel terrible, you're in withdrawal, you miss her, your brain is screaming for that feel good hormone, your ego feels like it got kicked in the nuts because she's rejecting you. You're broken hearted yet trying to do the right thing which is admirable.

 

Take her off the pedestal and focus on the negative. Here's reality, if she really wanted you, she would move mountains to be with you. Instead, she wants the security of financial dependence. And she has health issues.

 

One other thing, you don't want to be involved in that divorce and being her emotional crutch. You'll end up being the scapegoat once her guilt and conscience settles in. It will be all your fault in her mind.

 

Right now she is a hot piece of charcoal in your grill. Don't touch it you'll get burnt.

[boneheadedmove]

Can you and will you support her financially for life because that's what she wants/needs out of a relationship. She loves you but is hanging on to her husband for financial reasons. Are you up to taking on that role?

 

Honestly, yes. I wouldn't have offered if otherwise. I am by no means well off, but I continually come to the financial aid of my mother, sister, and exs (during the relationship, of course). Saying this here obviously changes nothing within this relationship, but it's something I've thought on.

[Cinnimon]

So basically she is using you both, one for financial and medical and the other for emotional.

[elaine567]

Elaine, do you think this is a sign of getting cold feet leaving her husband or an indication that she was never serious about me anyway? Not that it matters in the long run and it may be an unanswerable question, but your and others input may help solidify a decision for me.

 

I think that having an affair, planning a "future", missing each other, clinging to each other is one thing and actually leaving a marriage is another.

She will be faced with her husband and his reaction. She will also be thinking about their family, their friends and acquaintances and that can be hard. Marriages can involve so many people, the ramifications of an affair can be far reaching.

 

What is slightly telling here is that when dday came or even before dday, she didn't just one day come to you and say "Stuff the marriage, we love each other, let's drive off into the sunset together."

Instead SHE decided to work on her marriage and even now with divorce imminent, she is still hanging on in there making excuses.

A woman in love will always run to her man, she didn't run to you.

She has no children to tug at her heartstrings, so she has in effect chosen her husband and her marriage again and again; you did the right thing by cutting her off.

Even if now she comes begging to you, I guess she will only do that because her marriage is finished and not because she wants to be with you.

Sorry.

[isolatedgothic]

After reading your story, it would seem that she is all right with staying married, and equally all right with having an affair. It almost seems to me that she feels neither one of you will be capable of handling all her vast and important needs, whatever they may be [finances, health insurance, emotional needs, excitement, courting, sex, friendship, flattery, etc.]

 

I feel as though she has you and her husband compartmentalized. He meets needs A, B, and C, and you meet needs D, E, and F, or what have you. She isn't being fair to either one of you. The only person who is benefiting from this arrangement ... is her. And really, she is okay with that, not based on her words, but on her actions.

 

If she had a heart that is capable of being honest, she would be honest. She would be honest with her husband, and she would be honest with you. She would even be honest with herself. Instead, she is keeping up the song, and expecting both of you men to dance. As a result, there are two very hurt men who are constantly being wounded while she calls the shots.

 

NC is so hard, and when I read your responses, I am reminded of my own attempts at NC in the past. The only way to be successful is to look at the facts, and leave out the emotions. The fact is that she refuses to be honest and faithful to either one of you. That just means you are sincerely looking for love, for the right person, and you fell in with someone who wants to be married, and wants to be unfaithful. Her husband is caught in the very same trap.

 

I can tell by reading what you've written that you're not the kind of guy who wants to be caught in a trap. You want love, honesty, and a commitment. She is not able to give you any one of those things. I hope that somehow you are able to stay away and let her sort this all out for herself ... and I hope that you are able to heal and eventually find a good woman who won't cheat on her husband, no matter what or who crosses her path. You deserve that. Stay strong.

[Ronnie33]

I am a MW when the affair started. My marriage was a mess and had been for along time but we had a young son and I always stayed. I loved the OM and he never gave me an ultimatum but always wanted me to leave. He knew I wasn't happy and we fought all the time and it wasn't good for my son either.

 

That being said I still couldn't do it. We had separated the year before and my son had started doing badly in preschool and I was so scared to hurt him. My husband and I didn't get along much but he is an excellent father. I was scared to disappoint my family and his family. I also was scared if I left no one would except me and my AP relationship because of my husband and since we had worked together I knew everyone would suspect the affair.

 

If I didn't have my son though I never would have stayed in the marriage anyway. Her not having kids should make it easier for her to leave if she really loves you. I'm guessing if she left it would be strictly for you though and she isn't sure you guys would make it. She already knows what to expect staying with her husband.

 

I would move on if I was you. I'm sure she loves you but something is keeping her there and in reality love is only one component needed to make a relationship work. She might get love from you but everything else from him.

[FusionCutter]

The backstory in bullet points:

 

-Met at a party. Love at first sight. I don't believe in that stuff either.

-Fell deeply in love with one another.

-Tried to break it off multiple times. Kept coming back to one another.

-About three months from the beginning, husband found out. We met "one last time," initiated NC so she could concentrate on fixing her marriage.

-Lasted all of about 3 weeks and we were back together. Her heart wasn't into it and our relationship showed her the cracks in her marriage. She felt she married the wrong man.

-Started seeing each other again, with more half-hearted attempts to break it off. During this time she talked of getting herself "in a position to leave."

-After another three months or so, husband found out again. The plan is to get a divorce.

 

Which leads me to the place I'm at now. Her and I have had numerous discussions about what it would take for her to leave him. She cannot give me anything concrete. Her concerns is that she's financially dependent on him and that's something she wants to regain for herself. She's also concerned over health issues and doesn't want to leave until she gets herself checked under his insurance because she cannot afford it at this point. I've offered her financial support, in differing ways, in order for her to leave. She's turned down each offer.

 

At this point, I'm 10 days NC, telling her this constant back and forth is killing me. That I'm wracked with guilt, jealousy, paranoia, and loneliness. I understand why she would want to position herself in a way so she and I can start out in a better spot, but at the same time her lack of solidity in planning is worrying me. I vacillate between anger, sorrow, and betrayal (I know, I have no right to feel that one). I feel both like I'm being taken for a ride and that I'm not being patient and understanding enough.

 

Right now I'm positioning myself to never hear from her again. I've blocked all forms of social media. I feel like I'm being smart and also making a mistake, that I'm sending a selfish message, even though I feel she herself is being selfish.

 

If your best friend came to you with all of this, how would you advise him?

 

Listen to your feelings. This woman, this situation, all of it, it's toxic for you. Listen to your gut.

 

This woman isn't the queen you think she is, she's selfish to the core and cheating is in her blood. The only person's feelings she cares about is herself and herself only.

 

When you get together with someone, usually, mature individuals consider the feelings of the opposing party. She knows what she's doing hurts her husband as well as yourself.

 

In time you'll see the monster she is. Dig deep, and look further and beyond. Look beyond the feelings and see the situation for what it is. Healthy people don't do this to one another.

 

Stop the focus about her and her relationship and look at yourself and focus on your own path. Clear the road and leave this situation. Don't look back and have the strength to move on. Perhaps in time you'll see that her actions tell you more than any of her words or "I L U"s could tell you. Actions speak louder than words. What has her actions shown you? That she's willing and happy to take her fill from two men without the consideration of either party's feelings.

 

And this is even AFTER a D-Day. This woman is selfish to the highest level. See it for what it is.

Edited March 24, 2015 by FusionCutter

[Popsicle]

Former single OW here. You sound like a single OM. You are smart to leave her alone.

 

Imo, there is less strife when both AP's are married and don't want to D.

Edited March 24, 2015 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

After reading your story, it would seem that she is all right with staying married, and equally all right with having an affair. It almost seems to me that she feels neither one of you will be capable of handling all her vast and important needs, whatever they may be [finances, health insurance, emotional needs, excitement, courting, sex, friendship, flattery, etc.]

 

I feel as though she has you and her husband compartmentalized. He meets needs A, B, and C, and you meet needs D, E, and F, or what have you. She isn't being fair to either one of you. The only person who is benefiting from this arrangement ... is her. And really, she is okay with that, not based on her words, but on her actions.

 

If she had a heart that is capable of being honest, she would be honest. She would be honest with her husband, and she would be honest with you. She would even be honest with herself. Instead, she is keeping up the song, and expecting both of you men to dance. As a result, there are two very hurt men who are constantly being wounded while she calls the shots.

 

NC is so hard, and when I read your responses, I am reminded of my own attempts at NC in the past. The only way to be successful is to look at the facts, and leave out the emotions. The fact is that she refuses to be honest and faithful to either one of you. That just means you are sincerely looking for love, for the right person, and you fell in with someone who wants to be married, and wants to be unfaithful. Her husband is caught in the very same trap.

 

I can tell by reading what you've written that you're not the kind of guy who wants to be caught in a trap. You want love, honesty, and a commitment. She is not able to give you any one of those things. I hope that somehow you are able to stay away and let her sort this all out for herself ... and I hope that you are able to heal and eventually find a good woman who won't cheat on her husband, no matter what or who crosses her path. You deserve that. Stay strong.

 

This is wonderfully stated and true, Imo, of both MW and MM who won't leave.

[Confused48]

I'm sure she loves you but something is keeping her there and in reality love is only one component needed to make a relationship work. She might get love from you but everything else from him.

 

Love? She may have a warm fuzzy feeling for the OP but love? She is using and abusing him like a toy for her own selfish needs. That is not love.

[carhill]

Her concerns is that she's financially dependent on him and that's something she wants to regain for herself. She's also concerned over health issues and doesn't want to leave until she gets herself checked under his insurance because she cannot afford it at this point.

Presuming you live in the US, as mentioned, court motions will address the support issue but since she is self-employed that may be limited. As far as health care, she can afford it due to ACA. She'll get help from the government with premiums if her income is insufficient. I know because I am, to the tune of almost 500 bucks a month. No worries about pre-existing conditions either. She's covered. It's not rocket science.

 

Here's some advice from a fOM: Women feel and then rationalize their feelings with facts and opinions. She doesn't feel like leaving and comes up with reasons, regardless of veracity or applicability, to support those feelings, even if they trend to the irrational.

 

When women want to leave, no man can ever get in their way.

 

So, your solution is a healthy one. Black hole NC, process your emotions and move on. There are billions of women in the world and, yup, you're going to run into MW's like this throughout life and will never be able to control them, rather only yourself. Work out a formula for dealing with them and execute it, consistently.

Edited March 24, 2015 by carhill
extraneous 'a' and pre-existing conditions

[Grapesofwrath]

I don't think those things are mutually exclusive. She may have been very serious about the idea of leaving him for you, but now reality is setting in for her. The fantasy of a life together is part of what gives affairs so much power. Fantasy and reality are mutually exclusive, however, so she is in that middle place where one is morphing into another. In the affair, one imagines this beautiful world, free of the strife and difficulties of the current world. Projecting onto the AP all the best possible attributes. Imagining an idyllic existence together. Perhaps she is starting to see that her current world, while not ideal, has some positive aspects and she is afraid to leave.

 

I think you need to continue the no contact so you can get some clarity and get your head on straight. What she is going through at home--trying to figure out what to do--is now between her and her husband. You can't manage that situation. Best thing to do is step back, work on you, and let her arrive at her conclusion. If she leaves him, she will come to you of her own free will and you can feel more confident in the relationship. If she stays, then you have your answer that way.

[boneheadedmove]

I'd just like to say almost everyone on here was correct.

 

Three weeks ago her and her husband went to a friend's wedding. She came back unsure of what she should do. She said she wants to be with me, but felt she didn't give her marriage enough of a second chance. She said she needed to feel clean before moving on.

 

I told her I was going to make it easy for her and she didn't have to choose. That I'm done and she can do whatever she wants with her marriage.

 

It's been three weeks NC. I'm angry, depressed, and anxious. But I'm in this for the long haul. I'm finished waking up feeling like **** every morning. I'm finished with the constant anxiety and guilt.

[carhill]

Thanks for the update and, IMO, since you're now settled in your decision to move on, remove all contact means and do so. This includes discussion or anecdotes to/from mutual friends. It's as if she died, was buried, grief occurs and life goes on.

 

Here's something I learned from interaction with MW's over the decades, many more than just one - there's always someone else. We may think we're a special flower but we really aren't. They simply move on to the next iteration. That's not bad, rather how people are, especially those with this psychology. There's always another guy who wants to bed her and maybe love her too. She knows this. Most women know this. Let her. Good luck!

[RoseVille]

A woman in love will always run to her man, she didn't run to you.

 

...

 

Even if now she comes begging to you, I guess she will only do that because her marriage is finished and not because she wants to be with you.

 

Truer words have never been spoken.

 

OP, she may love you in a vacuum, but she loves the life she has with her H more.

 

And I feel your pain. I'm sorry.

[GirlStillStrong]

There are no children involved. I say this now, but this never would have happened if there were.

 

At 10 days things may be worse than they've ever been, but I'm trying to stay strong

 

 

 

Elaine, do you think this is a sign of getting cold feet leaving her husband or an indication that she was never serious about me anyway? Not that it matters in the long run and it may be an unanswerable question, but your and others input may help solidify a decision for me.

 

If you have to spend so much time and emotional energy trying to figure out what someone is doing or what their intentions are, then you have your answer. You can also expect more of the same in any future with this person. Trying to be in a relationship with someone who is this dysfunctional, and who offers up excuses for their dysfunctionality, will make YOU dysfunctional. You have to be more careful who you allow yourself to associate with so closely.