First time OW

[andreprisal]

Can't believe I actually looked around for a discussion board where I can talk about this with other people who might be in a similar predicament.

I'll throw out all the details of this situation and would appreciate feedback of any sort I suppose.

 

I'm 21 years old and have been working for my company for about a year and a half. I really like my job and virtually everyone there is friendly and helpful. Well, especially my boss. I hadn't particularly noticed him until about 6 months ago. He is a tall, confident, passionate man. He has hobbies that he loves, a job he does well. Always smiling. One day I'm not sure how exactly, I noticed that it was all a mask for him. He wasn't as happy as he led everyone to believe. We began texting, talking, etc. He is married for 20 years and has no children. I'm now the OW and this is a first for me. For one, I am not a very emotional person. I'm wild but logical, my madness is planned and I keep people at arms length. But hes sort of got to me. I've got to him. I told him that I'd never ask him to leave his wife so he's got it pretty sweet if that was all he wanted was some company. But we both feel very connected to one another and often fantasize about dating like a regular couple might. I don't know what advice I'm asking for by typing this all out. I guess I just wanted to know someone out there has felt some similar type of hell.

[Friskyone4u]

Well, not judging you but here is what you are headed for. You are 21 years old and instead of dating eligible men you will be sitting around waiting for a married man to sneak out and have sex with you. You won't be interested in guys who want to date you and if you do date them you will be cheating on them to.

At some point his wife will catch him and if she happens to go to his HR department he and or you may lose your job. And the odds are that he will not leave his wife to marry or be with you when caught and then you will probably be like the others on this forum who are crying all day longing for what they refer to as "their MM" when in fact these men are somebody else's husband and not yours at all.

I am not being judgemental. You are an adult. But if you are looking for encouragement and congratulations for what you have gotten yourself involved in I don't think most will do that.

Don't delude yourself into expecting a happy ending. You are your bosses sex toy now and hopefully you will decide to get out of this before it becomes more toxic for you

[Artie Lang]

you're so young... why would you put yourself through this?

[FusionCutter]

Can't believe I actually looked around for a discussion board where I can talk about this with other people who might be in a similar predicament.

I'll throw out all the details of this situation and would appreciate feedback of any sort I suppose.

 

I'm 21 years old and have been working for my company for about a year and a half. I really like my job and virtually everyone there is friendly and helpful. Well, especially my boss. I hadn't particularly noticed him until about 6 months ago. He is a tall, confident, passionate man. He has hobbies that he loves, a job he does well. Always smiling. One day I'm not sure how exactly, I noticed that it was all a mask for him. He wasn't as happy as he led everyone to believe. We began texting, talking, etc. He is married for 20 years and has no children. I'm now the OW and this is a first for me. For one, I am not a very emotional person. I'm wild but logical, my madness is planned and I keep people at arms length. But hes sort of got to me. I've got to him. I told him that I'd never ask him to leave his wife so he's got it pretty sweet if that was all he wanted was some company. But we both feel very connected to one another and often fantasize about dating like a regular couple might. I don't know what advice I'm asking for by typing this all out. I guess I just wanted to know someone out there has felt some similar type of hell.

 

Why would an old married man see you as anything other than a sex toy? You're young and he's old and experienced.

 

Don't let him use you.

[dichotomy]

First of before the emotional normal stuff....your involved with your boss. Likely against company policy and could ruin his long career and your beginning one. Think of this carefully. This could follow you professionally for a long time if it explodes.

 

 

While not as young as you, my wife, then single, was involved with an older MM. She had daddy/psychological reasons for this much older man relationship. She also then met me, "the man for her" but this (relationship with older MM) messed things up for us. If you are thinking you want a future with a good available man, marriage, maybe kids in the future - please focus on this type of goal, and stop this relationship with older MM.

[GoldieLox]

You're 21 years old? My goodness, you just started to be able to legally drink. Let's take that into perspective for a moment. Don't throw away your valuable years being this guy's play thing. Go out and date. Find someone who will give you everything that you deserve, i.e. all of his time and energy. He leads everyone to believe he's happy. Then you say that he's not "really happy". Guess what... he's probably full of s&%t. He's happy enough to stay in his marriage.

 

If you really have feelings for him, there's someone out there who can make you just as happy. If it's the sexual component, well you're 21. I'm not saying go sleep with everything that moves, but you're young. Please think about what you're doing and try to figure out WHY you're doing this. Don't sit around and wait, potentially ruining your life for a cake-eater.

[Satu]

Be aware that these triangular relationships always result in pain for each of the three people involved. I say 'triangular' because you are now also in a relationship with his wife, through him.

 

You are in fact a pawn in the game of their marriage.

 

Bulk buy handkerchiefs, because you will need many.

[Southern Sun]

He's making you feel special, like he picked you to reveal his true self to, to be his confidante. Please, run far away. Maybe he isn't evil and doing this with full intention, but he IS manipulating you. You will ultimately feel used and miserable. I hope you get out. Really, the best thing you can do is find another job ASAP and never speak with him again. I can promise you, if you don't do this now, there will come a day when you very much wish you did.

 

Truly, saying this with a desire to help you...

[Ifalltopieces]

You have an opportunity to stop this before it overtakes your heart, mind, body, soul and LIFE! Listen to what people are telling you. If you don't, you are opening a locked box and you are NOT prepared for the contents.

 

I would give anything for a do over. Don't be me.

[andreprisal]

Couple of things I'll throw in

 

My boss pretty well owns this company. My job is not at risk in any way nor do we have a formal HR department, small company. Thanks for that though, that's one issue I can cross out.

 

As for the remarks about me being his "sex toy" well, that's pretty kinky. I'm into it. But that's not what's happening here. I actually suggested a fwb type situation but he denied it and me saying he isn't looking for a f buddy and if that's what I want then we better stop.

 

I'm not trying to take this man away from his wife and I'll never ask him to leave her. I just want him to be happy however wherever with whoever.

 

My age really has absolutely nothing to do with being with a married man. If you think a 40 year old OW and a 20 year old OW are any less or more at fault, good or bad, smart or stupid, you have your own problems. I have done extremely well for my age. I'd prefer people kept condescending remarks to a bare minimum.

 

If anyone out there has experienced some kind of story anywhere similar. Falling for your married boss. I'd be interested in hearing yours. Not to brag or for support. Sometimes it's nice to know that someone else has been there.

 

Thanks everyone.

[OverIt75]

Couple of things I'll throw in

 

My boss pretty well owns this company. My job is not at risk in any way nor do we have a formal HR department, small company. Thanks for that though, that's one issue I can cross out.

 

As for the remarks about me being his "sex toy" well, that's pretty kinky. I'm into it. But that's not what's happening here. I actually suggested a fwb type situation but he denied it and me saying he isn't looking for a f buddy and if that's what I want then we better stop.

 

I'm not trying to take this man away from his wife and I'll never ask him to leave her. I just want him to be happy however wherever with whoever.

 

My age really has absolutely nothing to do with being with a married man. If you think a 40 year old OW and a 20 year old OW are any less or more at fault, good or bad, smart or stupid, you have your own problems. I have done extremely well for my age. I'd prefer people kept condescending remarks to a bare minimum.

 

If anyone out there has experienced some kind of story anywhere similar. Falling for your married boss. I'd be interested in hearing yours. Not to brag or for support. Sometimes it's nice to know that someone else has been there.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Me. I had an affair with my married boss.

 

I was 38 when it started; he is 14 years older than me. Both of us are married with kids. Funny, he also owns the company. At first, it seemed perfect. He owned the place, so we could pretty much do whatever we wanted, right? But, these things always end. And the endings aren't usually nice and pretty. What do you think happens to the person who doesn't own the company when it does end? Right. No more job.

 

My consequences were hard. I am married and trying to hang on for dear life. My career is over. Yours may not be exactly the same, but I promise they won't be fun. You yourself called it a "hell" in your first post. It might feel fun right now. You are swept up in the high of it and you don't think your feelings are really involved. No one is going to be able to talk you out of doing what you want to do. I am just saying that there are no happy endings to this. Sure, I guess it happens sometimes. But you already agree you don't want him to leave his wife. So there is no means to an end. An affair will NOT go on indefinitely. So when it ends - do you think it will just fade out and everything will go back to the way it was before? Unfortunately, it normally doesn't work out like that.

 

If you have other questions, feel free to ask or PM me. I have been there.

[andreprisal]

Thanks OverIt thats pretty much exactly what I want to hear. Me and my boss have been getting close for about 6 months and I definitely have thought of the fact that I'd get fired, etc. Which is always a possibility but I genuinely don't think he would do that considering I am actually important to the company. But hey, you're totally right and I'm sure they all do think their situation is something special. I know that I do. Just hoping to wrap my head about it all or maybe just weigh the pros and cons I suppose. I'm so up in the air about it, it's never something I thought I'd ever do.

[GoldieLox]

As for the remarks about me being his "sex toy" well, that's pretty kinky. I'm into it. But that's not what's happening here. I actually suggested a fwb type situation but he denied it and me saying he isn't looking for a f buddy and if that's what I want then we better stop.

 

I'm not trying to take this man away from his wife and I'll never ask him to leave her.

 

Read your first remark, now read your second.

That's exactly what you're doing.

Any microsecond that he spends on his 'relationship' with you (whatever the dynamics of that actually is), and not his wife, is stepping outside of his marriage.

Not that all of the blame falls squarely on you, it's 50% him.

But... in your post, you remark about how well you've done for your age. I take that to mean you believe you're mature for a 21 year old? Good. Then at least act your age please and take responsibility for the fact that you ARE taking this man away from his wife. Please see it for what it is.

[andreprisal]

Read your first remark, now read your second.

That's exactly what you're doing.

Any microsecond that he spends on his 'relationship' with you (whatever the dynamics of that actually is), and not his wife, is stepping outside of his marriage.

Not that all of the blame falls squarely on you, it's 50% him.

But... in your post, you remark about how well you've done for your age. I take that to mean you believe you're mature for a 21 year old? Good. Then at least act your age please and take responsibility for the fact that you ARE taking this man away from his wife. Please see it for what it is.

 

Though I am mature for my age, I meant doing well for my age monetarily, materialistically. I meant that I take care of my life, my responsibilities. I will disagree, I am not taking him from his wife. That is entirely up to him. He knows too, that I deserve better and wishes we could date like a normal couple. But we're not going to break up his marriage for it. If you consider emotional detachment from his wife being "taken away", well that damage was done long before I met the man. I'm sorry for it, truly I am. She's just a great person which makes this a lot harder. But he doesn't have a connection with her. He just feels obligation.

[OverIt75]

Thanks OverIt thats pretty much exactly what I want to hear. Me and my boss have been getting close for about 6 months and I definitely have thought of the fact that I'd get fired, etc. Which is always a possibility but I genuinely don't think he would do that considering I am actually important to the company. But hey, you're totally right and I'm sure they all do think their situation is something special. I know that I do. Just hoping to wrap my head about it all or maybe just weigh the pros and cons I suppose. I'm so up in the air about it, it's never something I thought I'd ever do.

 

I'll add a little more info to this.

 

We ended the affair before my D Day (when BH suspected and I confessed). We struggled greatly with it because we still worked together. Technically, we weren't on bad terms. I knew I needed to be totally out of the affair, and in order to do so, I should probably quit, but I didn't want to lose my job. And I still had strong feelings for him. Life at work became absolute hell for me. I used to love my job. It was a great fit for me, something I worked towards for a long time. Then I got involved in an affair with my boss. For a while, work seemed even more fun. And then, when things became strained personally, it really affected us at work. I suffered from a level of anxiety I have never experienced before. I worried excessively about making sure I didn't screw anything up. It was HIS company. I had a high position myself and a lot of responsibility. I already felt a heavy weight and on top of it I was connected to the man emotionally...but it was twisted. There is a natural power imbalance. You will never feel safe. We were actually amicable. We ended things on a "good note". But it still sucked. I became overly concerned about what he was doing, his whereabouts. After all, I knew he was capable of an affair. We worked so closely together that I pretty much knew what he did every minute of the day. But when he would be gone without telling me, or take a private call and shut his door, or even disappear for a day or two...believe me, I started to wonder. It was terrible. My stomach is sick even writing this down.

 

I am sharing all of this because these are all effects having nothing to do with the fact that I was married. That adds a whole other layer that you don't have. But as you can see, even without that complication, it can be really, really miserable. You're not there yet. If someone had told me all of this when I was still in the fun part, I honestly wouldn't have believed them. I don't hear much emotion in your posts though. We did profess love to each other. It became very intense. The fact is, you just have no idea going in what is going to happen. We think we have control, when we really don't. The only thing you can control are the decisions you make.

[sandylee1]

Couple of things I'll throw in

 

My boss pretty well owns this company. My job is not at risk in any way nor do we have a formal HR department, small company. Thanks for that though, that's one issue I can cross out.

 

As for the remarks about me being his "sex toy" well, that's pretty kinky. I'm into it. But that's not what's happening here. I actually suggested a fwb type situation but he denied it and me saying he isn't looking for a f buddy and if that's what I want then we better stop.

 

I'm not trying to take this man away from his wife and I'll never ask him to leave her. I just want him to be happy however wherever with whoever.

 

My age really has absolutely nothing to do with being with a married man. If you think a 40 year old OW and a 20 year old OW are any less or more at fault, good or bad, smart or stupid, you have your own problems. I have done extremely well for my age. I'd prefer people kept condescending remarks to a bare minimum.

 

If anyone out there has experienced some kind of story anywhere similar. Falling for your married boss. I'd be interested in hearing yours. Not to brag or for support. Sometimes it's nice to know that someone else has been there.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

So he owns the company. If his wife finds out, she'll insist you get fired. The man has a you probably half his age or less sleeping with him, of course he's happy. You're a boost to his ego.

 

Think what could happen if it all blows up:

 

Your co-workers won't think much of you to say the least.

Your reputation could end up in tatters

Your heart could get broken

His wife could make your life a living hell, contrary to what people think, it's not just the OW that can be psycho.

 

You seem to think what your doing is just fine, even that your doing a good deed by making him happy. It seems like an exciting game to you, without any thought of the consequences. Would you feel the same if your mother, cousin, sister or friend got cheated on?

 

His wife is real, she has feelings and if he is happy to have no respect for his marriage, you don't need to be a part of that.

[GoldieLox]

Though I am mature for my age, I meant doing well for my age monetarily, materialistically. I meant that I take care of my life, my responsibilities. I will disagree, I am not taking him from his wife. That is entirely up to him. He knows too, that I deserve better and wishes we could date like a normal couple. But we're not going to break up his marriage for it. If you consider emotional detachment from his wife being "taken away", well that damage was done long before I met the man. I'm sorry for it, truly I am. She's just a great person which makes this a lot harder. But he doesn't have a connection with her. He just feels obligation.

 

But what you're still failing to see is that regardless, he is still hers. Emotional detachment or not, they are still married. If he WANTED to be yours, and date like normal people, he would be. Obligation, kids, whatever the excuse, is just that. An excuse.

 

I am not trying to accuse you, nor sound harsh, I'm trying to make you see this for what it is. Please end it before you F'up your life for the next decade and cause a lot of pain to a lot of people.

[andreprisal]

I'll add a little more info to this.

 

We ended the affair before my D Day (when BH suspected and I confessed). We struggled greatly with it because we still worked together. Technically, we weren't on bad terms. I knew I needed to be totally out of the affair, and in order to do so, I should probably quit, but I didn't want to lose my job. And I still had strong feelings for him. Life at work became absolute hell for me. I used to love my job. It was a great fit for me, something I worked towards for a long time. Then I got involved in an affair with my boss. For a while, work seemed even more fun. And then, when things became strained personally, it really affected us at work. I suffered from a level of anxiety I have never experienced before. I worried excessively about making sure I didn't screw anything up. It was HIS company. I had a high position myself and a lot of responsibility. I already felt a heavy weight and on top of it I was connected to the man emotionally...but it was twisted. There is a natural power imbalance. You will never feel safe. We were actually amicable. We ended things on a "good note". But it still sucked. I became overly concerned about what he was doing, his whereabouts. After all, I knew he was capable of an affair. We worked so closely together that I pretty much knew what he did every minute of the day. But when he would be gone without telling me, or take a private call and shut his door, or even disappear for a day or two...believe me, I started to wonder. It was terrible. My stomach is sick even writing this down.

 

I am sharing all of this because these are all effects having nothing to do with the fact that I was married. That adds a whole other layer that you don't have. But as you can see, even without that complication, it can be really, really miserable. You're not there yet. If someone had told me all of this when I was still in the fun part, I honestly wouldn't have believed them. I don't hear much emotion in your posts though. We did profess love to each other. It became very intense. The fact is, you just have no idea going in what is going to happen. We think we have control, when we really don't. The only thing you can control are the decisions you make.

 

Wow, OVERIT I seriously feel a lot of what you're saying here. We're way too close. We text all day, every day, first thing when he wakes up, last thing before I go to sleep. I genuinely do know what hes up to all day every day. I think we talk so much in order to make up all the time we can't spend together like a normal couple. He now has pretty much posted up in my office to hang out with me insomuch that if anyone needs him they call my office. Weve both said, man I really enjoy work a lot more. He tells me how much he cares for me in what sound like movie lines and really thinks I'm something special. But I do see bad stuff brewing when we have a little trouble in paradise. He, ironically, gets a little jealous which occasionally causes just a little drama and work suddenly feels like suffocating. I end up in his office whispering to him trying to grab his face and tell him that whatever it is it's okay, we're okay and its draining. I have to carry my own shame with this, I can't carry his too. I see that storm coming. I'm just not a big emotional person is the only reason its not coming out in my posts. But I really appreciate you telling me about your situation, I really really do. I can't imagine holding that last layer of being married myself.

[OverIt75]

Little more...

 

I never really feared for my job either. I knew he needed me and I truly believed he would never fire me (of his own volition). And he didn't. The real torture was actually KEEPING my job while trying to end the affair and afterwards. Going to work every day in that absolute hell I had created for myself.

 

Of course, ultimately I ended up losing it because I needed to save my marriage. That isn't your issue. It could still pop up on your end though because HE is married. I know he says he is with her out of obligation, but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, nor what will happen if the ***** hits the fan. Nobody does.

[OverIt75]

Wow, OVERIT I seriously feel a lot of what you're saying here. We're way too close. We text all day, every day, first thing when he wakes up, last thing before I go to sleep. I genuinely do know what hes up to all day every day. I think we talk so much in order to make up all the time we can't spend together like a normal couple. He now has pretty much posted up in my office to hang out with me insomuch that if anyone needs him they call my office. Weve both said, man I really enjoy work a lot more. He tells me how much he cares for me in what sound like movie lines and really thinks I'm something special. But I do see bad stuff brewing when we have a little trouble in paradise. He, ironically, gets a little jealous which occasionally causes just a little drama and work suddenly feels like suffocating. I end up in his office whispering to him trying to grab his face and tell him that whatever it is it's okay, we're okay and its draining. I have to carry my own shame with this, I can't carry his too. I see that storm coming. I'm just not a big emotional person is the only reason its not coming out in my posts. But I really appreciate you telling me about your situation, I really really do. I can't imagine holding that last layer of being married myself.

 

Oh, it's fun in the beginning. I remember us saying, everybody should experience this! This is the best! And it was. For about 8 weeks. All day, into the night texting. Huge rush when seeing each other every morning. The "high" might have gone on longer if his wife hadn't sort of busted us (suspicious, but no proof). But it was inevitably going to flame out. I remember when it changed and I was so perplexed. I didn't understand, thought I had done something wrong. But no. It's just the course of things. He was pulling back, his wife was onto him, he was starting to feel guilty. I was totally hooked by then and devastated. I hung on to that relationship for nearly a year and a half becausing I was chasing the high of the first 8 weeks.

 

Looking back, removing what felt good in the moment, it was the worst year and a half of my life. And I am paying some very long term consequences for what ultimately was misery.

[Tayla]

indispensable? doubtful. have yet to read/ hear or experience anyone who isn't replaceable in the job market. So lets not fool the reader.

 

The folly will be for foolish folks. Does make for good dinner conversation with your relatives in years to come. Imagine sharing with your nieces/ grand daughters . Would you consider this good role model behavior?

 

If it means anything my boss is in an affair with one of my co workers. When he retires, guess who will be first to be giving walking papers? I actually would feel sorry, but she got carte blanche priveldges and is milking the situation for all its worth. Never mind that her husband will divorce her when the truth comes to light.

 

Have you considered being his mistress with the wifes' blessing? That would resolve most of this behind the scenes foolery.

[andreprisal]

indispensable? doubtful. have yet to read/ hear or experience anyone who isn't replaceable in the job market. So lets not fool the reader.

 

The folly will be for foolish folks. Does make for good dinner conversation with your relatives in years to come. Imagine sharing with your nieces/ grand daughters . Would you consider this good role model behavior?

 

If it means anything my boss is in an affair with one of my co workers. When he retires, guess who will be first to be giving walking papers? I actually would feel sorry, but she got carte blanche priveldges and is milking the situation for all its worth. Never mind that her husband will divorce her when the truth comes to light.

 

Have you considered being his mistress with the wifes' blessing? That would resolve most of this behind the scenes foolery.

 

It's a very particular company and I'm the only one who can train for my position. You're right though, they could probably figure it out It is extremely unlikely though. Of course I can't say for sure unless it happened or happens to me. That's my only defense for now. I'm sure people think I'm milking the situation if they found out, it won't be the case for me. It may be something to consider asking his wife. But he really likes to compartmentalize us. If I get him riled up via txt or even thinking about me, he doesn't want to go to his wife and let it out with her. That's for me. He hasn't slept with his wife since we started which is a bit troubling but it's his own rule. Not mine. It may be something to look into, i'm definitely going to keep that on back burner and maybe ask him about it later on.

[GollumsNightmare]

Hasn't slept with his wife during your affair? Oh, honey. I have a bridge i would like to sell you. The best sex of my married life (except for the hysterical bonding after he ended it with the OW) was DURING his affair with the OW. Please know that is a standard line out of the Cheater's Manual. Don't let him play you that way. Be stronger than that. It is not too late for you.

[beach]

Read up in this section of the forum... Plenty of first hand experience around here.

 

Not too many end - or I'd rather say end well. When ongoing it's hard to read the heartbreaking posts of OM/OW alone on a holiday or left behind when the MM takes vacation with the wife etc...

 

And once in a while a poster has been the OW for her entire adult life! 10-20-30+ years - sacrificing all her long term dreams waiting and waiting.

 

If you think it's fun now - what happens when it stops being "fun" and you get angry you've been waiting for him to be single?

 

There is so much harm in these scenarios it's just painful.

 

Read and read here - you may think it's nothing now - but just wait 10-20 years and then tell us how you feel.

 

And please don't believe he hasn't had sex with his W since the A started - lots of MM tell that lie.

[andreprisal]

I do actually believe he hasn't been with his wife since hes been with me. But even if he is lying like the rest. I don't care. I told him to go be with his wife myself. If it's a line he is giving me, it's not getting him anywhere new I suppose.