Southern Sun Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I don't know what it is. It's been 17 days since I said goodbye to exMM. Mostly I am doing pretty well. I don't want him back. There has been absolute no contact since that day. I can feel the progress between my H and I, and that's so reassuring. Regardless, I am assaulted by all these painful feelings. I feel hurt, angry, sad, sometimes nostalgic. I know full well this wouldn't have happened without my consent, but he did pursue me very hard in the beginning. He was all over me, telling me it would all work out, how much he loved me, how he wanted me forever. I told him no over and over...until I didn't tell him no anymore. I am angry at all the pain and misery we caused - each other and our loved ones. His BW still doesn't know (for certain) and sometimes I think she deserves to know. I have NEVER had any desire to tell her, but I feel guilty towards her now. I empathize with her in a way. I know she's going crazy inside, wondering what's wrong with her marriage, feeling like she must be insane with all of these gut feelings and suspicions that he just denies over and over, because there's no hard proof. And then I wonder why he did this to me. Why did he push so hard for this relationship that was doomed? He hurt me over and over. I let him. It took SO MUCH PAIN for me to finally see the light. And at the same time, it took so much pain because I also fell in love with him, hard. At least, it truly felt that way at the time. It took 100 times more pain in order to cancel out the good. I now believe that no man who truly loves me would put me in such a situation. Love doesn't act like that. Love doesn't make the recipient feel like that. I hurt for my husband and the feelings, images, thoughts, and memories that he will never be able to erase from his brain. Today there is a knot in my stomach, a heaviness in my chest. I don't know why. I just need to get through today. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 sending you many virtual hugs! Link to post Share on other sites
inappfriendly Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Hang in there. You are doing great!It hurts and feels impossibly unjust now, and no doubt you still have a million questions that weigh heavy in your heart. Stay the course. Be strong. Keep your face towards the SUN! The emotional burden that seems unbearable now will inevitably lighten. And the beat will go on. It always does! *hug* Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I'm right there with you. Some days it just feel like it won't get any easier. Today is one of those days. I find it overwhelming at times how many emotions I feel all at once, not only for myself, but for others involved. Then I get mad at myself because I'm the one who put myself in this situation in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 Thanks, ladies. It helps to be able to reach out for some support, so much! GoldieLox, I know you can relate. I am mad at myself and at exMM as well. I get irritated because I don't think he will ever totally 'get it'. His boat is just different than mine, always has been. But I keep reminding myself - he's not my concern anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Thanks, ladies. It helps to be able to reach out for some support, so much! GoldieLox, I know you can relate. I am mad at myself and at exMM as well. I get irritated because I don't think he will ever totally 'get it'. His boat is just different than mine, always has been. But I keep reminding myself - he's not my concern anymore. Oh, it thoroughly pisses me off how he can just walk around with his head up high and be okay with everything that's happened. To make it even worse, he just got a promotion and his face is plastered all around the local news websites. With his wife. And his arm around her. Please don't make me throw up. Here I am, miserable at work everyday, trying to find a good MC so I can go in and confess my deepest darkest secret to my husband to try and make an attempt at an honest marriage. Southern, they will never get it. Men are wired different than women. All we can do is learn to forgive ourselves, work on us, and get through one day at a time, and the hell with them. I don't think you have PM's yet, but when you do, feel free to PM me. Hugs! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Thats what eats me up inside over and over - how does he NOT know how some of his actions make me feel? And if he does know, then WHY does he keep doing it? But I really think he is completely clueless toward much of it because he avoids and compartmentalizes all of this. And I don't speak up for myself. That's half the issue. But it wouldn't matter whether I did anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 Thats what eats me up inside over and over - how does he NOT know how some of his actions make me feel? And if he does know, then WHY does he keep doing it? But I really think he is completely clueless toward much of it because he avoids and compartmentalizes all of this. And I don't speak up for myself. That's half the issue. But it wouldn't matter whether I did anyway. I told my IC exactly this! I have to stop projecting my logical thoughts onto his completely illogical brain Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I think because we feel this way we expect them to understand or know how we feel. In some cases I don't think its because they don't care. I think they are just clueless to our emotions. It's aggravating and frustrating at the same time. But at the end of the day, in our situations it really doesn't matter because it's a lost cause. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 I think because we feel this way we expect them to understand or know how we feel. In some cases I don't think its because they don't care. I think they are just clueless to our emotions. It's aggravating and frustrating at the same time. But at the end of the day, in our situations it really doesn't matter because it's a lost cause. That's right. And that is one of the things that led me to end it, besides the very obvious fact that I am married and could not continue to sit on the fence (and I recognized that it was my A that caused the M to go bad, not the M that was bad in the first place). Once I accepted the fact that, though he might really love me, and might really not mean to hurt me, it hurt me nonetheless...once I understood that and decided I didn't want to feel that way anymore, regardless of his good intentions... I knew I had to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I wish I was at that point. I think I'm closer than I was 2 months ago. I applaud you for being so strong in the face of all of this. Because I know it's not easy. For me I guess I am waiting for some closure/conversation with him that will make this easier and that's wrong. I am not going to hear what I need or want from him. I know this, yet I still struggle with ending it. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Your story is mine also. Mm pursued me Hard and I resisted for a long time until I didn't. He made numerous promises and I'm an idiot for believing him. He reaches out every few weeks just to say hi... It is so insensitive and selfish but I have more good days now than bad and I push him out of my head when he gets in there. You are doing great... I broke contact many times and I regret every time I did. Don't be like me! Go the distance because he cannot give you what you need or deserve! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Your story is mine also. Mm pursued me Hard and I resisted for a long time until I didn't. He made numerous promises and I'm an idiot for believing him. He reaches out every few weeks just to say hi... It is so insensitive and selfish but I have more good days now than bad and I push him out of my head when he gets in there. You are doing great... I broke contact many times and I regret every time I did. Don't be like me! Go the distance because he cannot give you what you need or deserve! Didn't you block him from contact? And did you have a NC conversation or did you just go NC without discussing it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 I wish I was at that point. I think I'm closer than I was 2 months ago. I applaud you for being so strong in the face of all of this. Because I know it's not easy. For me I guess I am waiting for some closure/conversation with him that will make this easier and that's wrong. I am not going to hear what I need or want from him. I know this, yet I still struggle with ending it. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. Blu, I have been where you are, believe me. I know how helpless you feel. I actually made several (unsuccessful) attempts to end things. My resolve would always weaken right before (or even right after) pulling the trigger. There were times I would say the words and then panic...sending an email, undermining everything I had just said. He didn't want to end things, so he was right there with me. I wanted him to agree with me. I needed him to. I felt so weak and any resistance from him made it feel nearly impossible. The fact is, you may FEEL helpless, but you aren't. The fear is based on false assumptions - things like, you will never find someone like him again, you'll never feel like that again. The pain seems intolerable with no ending in sight. But all those things, they aren't real. They are just your emotions talking to you. You WILL be okay and the pain does end. I read somewhere that it is right before you make a big breakthrough that things become their most difficult. It's at that point that most people give up and turn back. But the ones who push on - they are the ones that will be able to see the next level, to make real progress. When you are done with the suffering...you'll be done. You CAN do it. It's only fear holding you back. Write down exactly what you are afraid of, so you can tell yourself the truth. You already know what to do, or you wouldn't be here, saying the things you're saying. Nothing else in life causes us so much angst! I used to think he was the only thing that relieved my anxiety. But he actually caused it!! No wonder I needed him to relieve it. Get rid of the cause and you don't need the medicine anymore. We are here for you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 Your story is mine also. Mm pursued me Hard and I resisted for a long time until I didn't. He made numerous promises and I'm an idiot for believing him. He reaches out every few weeks just to say hi... It is so insensitive and selfish but I have more good days now than bad and I push him out of my head when he gets in there. You are doing great... I broke contact many times and I regret every time I did. Don't be like me! Go the distance because he cannot give you what you need or deserve! Thank you Jos! I wish you would just totally block him, so he can't get to you like that anymore. It is just so thoughtless on his part. Sometimes I think they are so dense! (and then not sure what that says about me, but...) Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) Surprise! Seemingly happily married people have problems. You're not going to fix his marital problems, you will just compound them. And he will just be enjoying the emotional highs and lows, while changing nothing. Don't waste your good years on that mess. You can get the same thing and more from a single man. Edited March 22, 2015 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Blu, I have been where you are, believe me. I know how helpless you feel. I actually made several (unsuccessful) attempts to end things. My resolve would always weaken right before (or even right after) pulling the trigger. There were times I would say the words and then panic...sending an email, undermining everything I had just said. He didn't want to end things, so he was right there with me. I wanted him to agree with me. I needed him to. I felt so weak and any resistance from him made it feel nearly impossible. The fact is, you may FEEL helpless, but you aren't. The fear is based on false assumptions - things like, you will never find someone like him again, you'll never feel like that again. The pain seems intolerable with no ending in sight. But all those things, they aren't real. They are just your emotions talking to you. You WILL be okay and the pain does end. I read somewhere that it is right before you make a big breakthrough that things become their most difficult. It's at that point that most people give up and turn back. But the ones who push on - they are the ones that will be able to see the next level, to make real progress. When you are done with the suffering...you'll be done. You CAN do it. It's only fear holding you back. Write down exactly what you are afraid of, so you can tell yourself the truth. You already know what to do, or you wouldn't be here, saying the things you're saying. Nothing else in life causes us so much angst! I used to think he was the only thing that relieved my anxiety. But he actually caused it!! No wonder I needed him to relieve it. Get rid of the cause and you don't need the medicine anymore. We are here for you Thank you so much for this. I needed him to let it be over 3 years ago when he left the company. We never discussed it ending I just assumed it would so I accepted it then. I never thought he would pull me back in, as naive as that sounds, I really saw him using his leaving as a good enough time to let it end with no real drama. Boy was I wrong. So 3 years later here I sit. Funny thing is if I could get a safe distance from him I know I would realize that I don't need him in my life and I might even realize I never really loved him. I really think sometimes this is more of an addiction than anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Didn't you block him from contact? And did you have a NC conversation or did you just go NC without discussing it? I went no contact mainly because he stopped answering me and I'm not stupid. But then it's like he gets worried or something. He contacted me last week just to say hi and I played it very cool and that was that, then the next day he texts again to wish me a happy saint paddys day and tellsme he never stopped wanting me and he loves me.... Then I don't hear from him for a week, which truly at this point is fine but it still pissesme off. I can contact him if I want... I choose not to. When I go no contact I just do it! And no I haven't blocked him yet and I never felt a need to because he stopped contacting me, but since last week I'm wondering if I should now? You know what's funny is that all of our stories are the same!! Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I went no contact mainly because he stopped answering me and I'm not stupid. But then it's like he gets worried or something. He contacted me last week just to say hi and I played it very cool and that was that, then the next day he texts again to wish me a happy saint paddys day and tellsme he never stopped wanting me and he loves me.... Then I don't hear from him for a week, which truly at this point is fine but it still pissesme off. I can contact him if I want... I choose not to. When I go no contact I just do it! And no I haven't blocked him yet and I never felt a need to because he stopped contacting me, but since last week I'm wondering if I should now? You know what's funny is that all of our stories are the same!! Jos, block him already. He keeps texting you as a test. He wants to see if you're going to answer, he wants to see if he can reel you back in, he wants to keep that door open incase you become weak enough that you go back to him. Quite frankly, you're keeping the door open too. Shut the door. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Far be it for me to provide advice on NC, but if that is truly your goal I think Goldie is right you need to block him completely. I always feel the same way about MM. That when he goes distant for a period of time I figure that's it and he's gone NC on me. He ALWAYS comes back around. There is no way I could go NC with him unless I blocked him because I know he won't go away easily. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Your right, I don't know why I haven't... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Your right, I don't know why I haven't... I think you know why you haven't. Doing so is throwing dirt on the affair once and for all. No way of knowing if he has reached out, no more nibbles. Jos, your ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I think you know why you haven't. Doing so is throwing dirt on the affair once and for all. No way of knowing if he has reached out, no more nibbles. Jos, your ready. I know.... I don't know what's been holding me back. But I'm going to block him! Thanks for all of the support!!? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 Crap! Somehow, he got access to my "regular" email address. He must have been willing to take the risk. I couldn't believe my eyes this morning. 3 weeks and 2 days of NC and he emails (I love you, it's hard to let go, etc.). I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Crap! Somehow, he got access to my "regular" email address. He must have been willing to take the risk. I couldn't believe my eyes this morning. 3 weeks and 2 days of NC and he emails (I love you, it's hard to let go, etc.). I don't know what to do. If you are focused on your marriage, you don't do anything. Delete. Delete. Delete. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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