Ifalltopieces Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I don't know where to start or really what to say. I mostly just came here for moral suppprt. I've never done anything like this before. My A has been going on for over a year. Many days have come and gone with promises unkept. Many times I have initiated NC, only to allow him to weasel his way back in. Each time I swear it's over, but I never stick to it. He knows it too, I have conditioned him to believe I will never walk. Before I jumped head first into this mess, I was a strong woman. I would never in a million years let a man disrespect me and treat me like a used piece of toilet paper. Now, I'm a gluten for punishment. And why? Because I love him. Because hes the only man I have ever really loved. Because he speaks directly to my soul and I can see all the great, amazing things about him. My heart is in a constant battle with my mind...my heart says hang on just a little longer and my head laughs at me and calls me a fool. I'm usually pretty good at controlling my feelings but lately, I'm tired. I'm exhausted and quite frankly I'm tired of the bread crumbs. I'm tired of getting the leftovers. I'm just tired. I know I'm the only one that can put an end to this. So why is it so hard......why am I so weak? How can I love someone that hurts me so bad. It's actually pretty sick and demented 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I think you've said it all in your post. You know your getting crumbs, the broken promises and the rest. Only you can stop it, because with him having a wife and GF, life is great for him. He'll only end it if you give him more grief than he can handle. Hopefully, you'll find the strength to end it when you can't take any more. The sooner you start to mend your your broken heart, the better. Just don't let the best years of your life be wasted as a hidden party in a relationship that has no future. The one thing you can't get back is time. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I feel your pain. I really do. I think that - speaking from my own experience only - maybe most of what you are hurting about is the loss of yourself, not really specifically about the MM. What if someone could tell you with almost 100% certainty that, despite the pain you will go through (which you will at this point, no matter when it happens) - that when you DO end this and get your life back, you will wish desperately that you had done it sooner? It's kind of like being able to predict the future. If you KNOW that you will wish you had done it sooner, would that make you do it now as opposed to waiting years from now? I wasted almost a decade. Really - don't be me. As Dr Seuss says, sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. In fact, as long as we are on Dr Seuss quotes, here's a good one: "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” You do have the power to end this. It won't end until you do it. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I don't know where to start or really what to say. I mostly just came here for moral suppprt. I've never done anything like this before. My A has been going on for over a year. Many days have come and gone with promises unkept. Many times I have initiated NC, only to allow him to weasel his way back in. Each time I swear it's over, but I never stick to it. He knows it too, I have conditioned him to believe I will never walk. Before I jumped head first into this mess, I was a strong woman. I would never in a million years let a man disrespect me and treat me like a used piece of toilet paper. Now, I'm a gluten for punishment. And why? Because I love him. Because hes the only man I have ever really loved. Because he speaks directly to my soul and I can see all the great, amazing things about him. My heart is in a constant battle with my mind...my heart says hang on just a little longer and my head laughs at me and calls me a fool. I'm usually pretty good at controlling my feelings but lately, I'm tired. I'm exhausted and quite frankly I'm tired of the bread crumbs. I'm tired of getting the leftovers. I'm just tired. I know I'm the only one that can put an end to this. So why is it so hard......why am I so weak? How can I love someone that hurts me so bad. It's actually pretty sick and demented It's not love. The things you describe, to me at least, isn't love..it's an ego boost for you. You say you keep waiting...for what exactly? For him to decide you are worth him getting a divorce? He would know that already...he would know that he can't live without you, he can't go another day without showing the world the person he loves. Right now, you make his marriage much more tolerable and his life much easier. He has a wife to take care of him and a mistress who adores him and will allow him to just give her enough bread crumbs to keep her interested. He isn't showing you (nor his wife) respect. You don't cheat on someone you respect. If you respect someone, you don't require them to be a secret, to spend nights, weekends, holidays, etc alone pining for you. You also don't do those things to the person you love. You would NEVER want the person you love to be a secret, to hurt, to share you, to not be able to contact you 24/7. How do you "love" someone who doesn't respect you and who allows you to hurt and cry and be alone while they have a partner they are choosing to stay with? What do you love about him? He makes you feel good? Lots of guys can do that..but for whatever reason, you prefer to be in an affair with someone who doesn't feel the same was about you that you feel for him. That makes me sad for you. You are wasting your life, wasting time on this earth that could be gone in an instant...all for some dude who has a wife. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I don't know where to start or really what to say. I mostly just came here for moral suppprt. I've never done anything like this before. My A has been going on for over a year. Many days have come and gone with promises unkept. Many times I have initiated NC, only to allow him to weasel his way back in. Each time I swear it's over, but I never stick to it. He knows it too, I have conditioned him to believe I will never walk. Before I jumped head first into this mess, I was a strong woman. I would never in a million years let a man disrespect me and treat me like a used piece of toilet paper. Now, I'm a gluten for punishment. And why? Because I love him. Because hes the only man I have ever really loved. Because he speaks directly to my soul and I can see all the great, amazing things about him. My heart is in a constant battle with my mind...my heart says hang on just a little longer and my head laughs at me and calls me a fool. I'm usually pretty good at controlling my feelings but lately, I'm tired. I'm exhausted and quite frankly I'm tired of the bread crumbs. I'm tired of getting the leftovers. I'm just tired. I know I'm the only one that can put an end to this. So why is it so hard......why am I so weak? How can I love someone that hurts me so bad. It's actually pretty sick and demented You can recognize the hurt you feel, the damage of the situation, and the overall bleak future. Now DO something about it. NC is the right direction. Get back to your living your life. These kinds of toxic situations will eat at your core and destroy you from the inside out. Gather strength, get up, and leave this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 If you don't know you deserve something better, you'll never have anything better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ifalltopieces Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 I can honestly say, nothing about this situation has boosted my ego. If anything, it's made me crazy insecure and most days I feel like the biggest douche walking the planet. I Know eventually it's going to end. Hard to admit, but I know. I know it HAS to end.....and I know I HAVE to end it. Thanks for the ears 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I can honestly say, nothing about this situation has boosted my ego. If anything, it's made me crazy insecure and most days I feel like the biggest douche walking the planet. I Know eventually it's going to end. Hard to admit, but I know. I know it HAS to end.....and I know I HAVE to end it. Thanks for the ears This is the PERFECT moment in time to do something really nice for yourself. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as its something nice for YOU. Because YOU matter. How YOU feel matters. So come on, what will you do for yourself? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 But it's a toxic and unhealthy love. A damaging love that has changed you into someone you don't recognize anymore. How is that good? So what if you feel he is your soul mate, you connect on so many levels. He treats you like shi.t, and you eat it up! He knows how to manipulate you, he knows your weaknesses. It'll end when you find strength, courage, self respect. Go to counseling and get help so you can get away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 This relationship is no longer a happy one for you. It is time to leave and leave the past, painful as it is going to be because of how he makes you feel. It is a great feeling but one that is also killing you. None of us know if we will ever find a connection like that again, as everyone is unique this way. But you won't notice the other beautiful souls if you won't let go of this one that is tying you down & smothering you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope40 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I understand and that is one of the reasons I am here. My intro doesn't mention that he is married but he is. I didn't realize that this forum had this (OW, OM) included. I want to end it and I don't want him to leave his wife. I don't want kids and he has children. I love him though and there's a great connection. Regardless I identify with the feelings. I am on 3.5 years with a few small breakups. I don't feel good about myself and it has been eating me alive for years. I want out but feel so stuck. I am sorry you're going through this and I understand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope40 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Thank you for this and I needed it today. I have an opportunity to end the affair and I hope I muster up the courage to do it. Thank you for giving me hope hence my name. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ifalltopieces Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 Hope40, I hope you find all the courage you need. I know I'm not ready. It's almost like I'm an addict and I haven't hit my bottom yet. Sometimes when he hurts me and makes me mad, I start feeling empowered and feel like I want to end it once and for all. But those feelings subside and here I am. I only have myself to blame. I know my heart is going to be shattered into a million pieces but I guess I hold out my own hope that my story will end differently. So foolish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I can honestly say, nothing about this situation has boosted my ego. If anything, it's made me crazy insecure and most days I feel like the biggest douche walking the planet. I Know eventually it's going to end. Hard to admit, but I know. I know it HAS to end.....and I know I HAVE to end it. Thanks for the ears Ok so if you know it's going to end, then you need to be the one to control that. There will be nothing worse for you when he finally let's you go. You are a strong woman who deserves to be treated with respect and if you end it with him you will get some of that strength back!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I agree with the previous responses to own your power. Take control of the narrative. You are feeling exhausted because he is draining you of your vibrancy, self-worth and power. Don't let him. It's enough. Take the reins of the situation. It can be like battling an addiction, totally. And waiting to hit bottom isn't necessary to end it. Do it, before you are caught or some other catastrophe occurs. Take back your power, then go NC. One day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 He would know that already...he would know that he can't live without you, he can't go another day without showing the world the person he loves. Right now, you make his marriage much more tolerable and his life much easier. He has a wife to take care of him and a mistress who adores him and will allow him to just give her enough bread crumbs to keep her interested. He isn't showing you (nor his wife) respect. You don't cheat on someone you respect. If you respect someone, you don't require them to be a secret, to spend nights, weekends, holidays, etc alone pining for you. You also don't do those things to the person you love. You would NEVER want the person you love to be a secret, to hurt, to share you, to not be able to contact you 24/7. How do you "love" someone who doesn't respect you and who allows you to hurt and cry and be alone while they have a partner they are choosing to stay with? What do you love about him? He makes you feel good? Lots of guys can do that..but for whatever reason, you prefer to be in an affair with someone who doesn't feel the same was about you that you feel for him. That makes me sad for you. You are wasting your life, wasting time on this earth that could be gone in an instant...all for some dude who has a wife. ^^^ Truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ifalltopieces Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 How do you know when you've had enough? How do you know when your finally ready to reclaim your life and salvage your dignity and self respect? Are there any signs, hints or things to look for? More and more I've been having feelings of indifference and anger. I still love him more than anything, but I'm starting to resent him.....im starting to not really like him. what is wrong with me? I'm tired of always being wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 How do you know when you've had enough? How do you know when your finally ready to reclaim your life and salvage your dignity and self respect? Are there any signs, hints or things to look for? More and more I've been having feelings of indifference and anger. I still love him more than anything, but I'm starting to resent him.....im starting to not really like him. what is wrong with me? I'm tired of always being wrong. You mean the above isn't enough? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 You just reach a point. I reached a point of many different things. I felt anger towards him for hurting me. I felt anger towards myself for hurting my husband. I felt anger towards myself for hurting his wife, a woman whom I have never even met. I felt sadness at the situation that instead of keeping a guy who was actually a cool friend, we turned it into something wrong and dangerous that ended up hurting both of us. In the end, I was sick of feeling all of these things. I ended it once, then he ended it for good. The way it ended will always hurt me but looking back now, I can say I was so relieved. You'll just reach a point of being sick of all these feelings. Sometimes it presents itself falsely; you think it's there, but you aren't quite ready yet. But you'll know. You'll know when you can't get out of bed in the morning without thinking "I can't keep doing this. Why am I doing this?" And once you reach that point it has to end, and you have to start to heal. By this point there ain't much dignity left, but that small sliver you do have, make sure you retain it. No begging, no sounding desperate. If you're the one who ends it, no recanting a thousand times. Stick to it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) dunno... try to search the soul. Edited March 31, 2015 by Tayla 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 It's actually very simple. Love doesn't hurt. Once you accept that, it's easy to move on. The end may hurt but staying only takes more from you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) OP, every single word of your post applies to me and my situation. I could have written it myself. I'm a BS but I am in limbo too. Lots of BS are. Tired of the situation with our WS just like you are with your AP. Not sure whether to pull the plug or not. Then, pulling the plug, we get drawn back in. Regret it. Get out again, go back again. It is torture. I'm fairly certain the only way to get peace is to get away and stay away from WS. Making that happen, keeping my resolve, that is the hard part. Edited March 31, 2015 by Confused48 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 When you get to the point of being tired OF feeling sick & tired you will make every effort to leave. Like Goldie mentioned, you'll wake up and that struggle to go about your day seems exhausting. You'll feel drained and know that the only resolution is removing yourself from it because its toxic and draining you of all life. I've been there and its like hitting bottom. Claim your life and keep your head up. You got this! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I wish I had the answer to this. There have been many times since this past summer where I thought I had reached that point but here I sit. Still asking this question. I know I'm closer but still wondering how much longer before Ive reached the point where I'm ready to say goodbye for good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
solostand Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 When the desire to get out becomes stronger than the desire to stay in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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