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Confessions, mind games and I'm left in pieces..


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ShatteredHearts

This will be long and I apologize, but I'm trying to make sense of something that well, just doesn't. I posted my story last summer. A lot has happened since then.

 

To recap, I was in a PA with a coworker for about a year. He ended up confessing to his wife and moved in with family. She wanted to work things out and he wasn't sure. I confessed as well and moved out to my own place. While things are still tense, we are working together and have established a great routine with our kids. AP moved back home and continued contact with me. After awhile I said I couldn't handle it and had to go NC bc he chose to be with her and it wasn't fair to her or to me bc of my feelings. Three weeks later he contacts me, said things were bad still and he was moving out into an apartment so he could figure out what he wanted.

 

We started hanging out again and became physical. I was so happy, well I thought I was. He would spend the night and vice versa. We spent as much time together as we could. Even so, he would mention from time to time that he felt guilty still, bc he couldn't or wasn't figuring out what he wanted. Mid Nov his wife says she's done and filing legal separation, that she was tired of being strung along. He had confessed he was still seeing me. Two days after that he flipped. Called me and said it would never work with us, it was just sex, etc. I was devastated. The next day he texts saying he was all over the place and it was a continuation of the affair, that he never worked on anything. We go NC again and two weeks later he starts chatting with me. The only contact we had was at work and on the phone at night. On nights he'd been drinking, he'd try to come over but i said no. He would ask me questions about how things would be if we dated, even saying he wished he had a child of his own and knew he could with me. (She's past menopause and they were never able to conceive). Then one night he came over and said he was pretty sure he didn't want to be married, but wasn't looking to get in a long term relationship bc he didn't want to end up miserable again. Fast forward a few weeks and his tune had changed. Said they were hanging out and having fun but had no expectations, just seeing if they wanted things to work. They go away to a football game together and he texts me from the room..asking for and sending pics and video - while she is asleep.

 

We continue to chat at work and evenings/weekends, although I started to notice it wasn't as frequent. A few weeks ago it amped up, the contact and sex, and it felt like how things used to be. Then he freaked out again. Called me saying that he was miserable and was driving himself insane. That a part of why he was like this is bc they weren't having sex and he craved it..and knew he could get it with me. He said he had to make a choice and couldn't figure out what he wanted. I begged for him to come over so we could have a face to face conversation. He refused, saying it wasn't a good idea bc it was hard to control himself around me. At one point he got angry almost, said "if this was meant to be don't you think it'd be easier?" I said nothing in life was easy and all relationships take work. He said he felt bad bc he kept letting himself down and was trying to do the right thing. Then he said he needed time, he didn't want to talk anymore then about it, just wanted to go to sleep. Hangs up with "later" and that was it. That was three weeks ago and there has been no contact at all. I passed him in the hall and he choked out a "hey" and that was it. I'm to pieces. If this was his plan to never talk to me again, why couldn't he own it and tell

me? Instead I'm left with that phone call and nothing else. A year and a half we've been involved, and he basically tossed me on the curb like trash. But, I guess that's what I am. :( I tried so hard to make it work and he just didn't care. It's hard for me to wrap my head around. What happened? Will he be back or should I take it that it's really over this time?

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That a part of why he was like this is bc they weren't having sex and he craved it..and knew he could get it with me.

 

I was wondering if this guy was genuinely confused and having a mid-life crisis up until I read the quoted part. It seems to me like he really doesn't want to leave his wife. He's tried, he went back. He wants his wife and wants some cake on the side too.

 

 

You are not trash. You are human and made the mistake of having an affair. It's a hell of a mistake to make, but it doesn't mean that you're garbage lying on the side of the road. Believe me, I as well as others here have gone through the same exact feelings. It's self-esteem issues. Are you in any type of counseling? No one can really tell you for certain if he'll come back, my guess is he'll come back when he wants sex. I hope for your sake he stays away and it is over. This isn't healthy for you.

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ShatteredHearts

I am in counseling, have been for awhile.

My self esteem is shot and I'm angry at myself.

It's like looking from the outside in is so clear. But being in it is confusing as hell.

This has gone on so long it's what I'm used to. It's all I know.

I just feel like I wasn't good enough. And it hurts.

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I am in counseling, have been for awhile.

My self esteem is shot and I'm angry at myself.

It's like looking from the outside in is so clear. But being in it is confusing as hell.

This has gone on so long it's what I'm used to. It's all I know.

I just feel like I wasn't good enough. And it hurts.

 

You have to start knocking him off his pedestal in your mind. Look at the way he's making you feel. Look at the way he's treated you. Is that really the kind of guy you want in your life? It sounds to me you're having more issues with your self-esteem/abandonment than the fact that you actually miss this guy.

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Hope Shimmers

This guy is a hot mess.

 

You aren't the one with the problem - he is. I'm sorry you tried to make a relationship work with a man that was clearly incapable of it (with his marriage either!). I think you dodged a huge bullet and should feel sorry for his wife.

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Ifalltopieces

Amazing how they get to walk away untouched and we are left to wonder what's wrong with us and why we weren't good enough.

 

I promise you, as hard as it is to believe right now, he doesn't deserve you and never will.

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jellybean89
This will be long and I apologize, but I'm trying to make sense of something that well, just doesn't. I posted my story last summer. A lot has happened since then.

 

To recap, I was in a PA with a coworker for about a year. He ended up confessing to his wife and moved in with family. She wanted to work things out and he wasn't sure. I confessed as well and moved out to my own place. While things are still tense, we are working together and have established a great routine with our kids. AP moved back home and continued contact with me. After awhile I said I couldn't handle it and had to go NC bc he chose to be with her and it wasn't fair to her or to me bc of my feelings. Three weeks later he contacts me, said things were bad still and he was moving out into an apartment so he could figure out what he wanted.

 

We started hanging out again and became physical. I was so happy, well I thought I was. He would spend the night and vice versa. We spent as much time together as we could. Even so, he would mention from time to time that he felt guilty still, bc he couldn't or wasn't figuring out what he wanted. Mid Nov his wife says she's done and filing legal separation, that she was tired of being strung along. He had confessed he was still seeing me. Two days after that he flipped. Called me and said it would never work with us, it was just sex, etc. I was devastated. The next day he texts saying he was all over the place and it was a continuation of the affair, that he never worked on anything. We go NC again and two weeks later he starts chatting with me. The only contact we had was at work and on the phone at night. On nights he'd been drinking, he'd try to come over but i said no. He would ask me questions about how things would be if we dated, even saying he wished he had a child of his own and knew he could with me. (She's past menopause and they were never able to conceive). Then one night he came over and said he was pretty sure he didn't want to be married, but wasn't looking to get in a long term relationship bc he didn't want to end up miserable again. Fast forward a few weeks and his tune had changed. Said they were hanging out and having fun but had no expectations, just seeing if they wanted things to work. They go away to a football game together and he texts me from the room..asking for and sending pics and video - while she is asleep.

 

We continue to chat at work and evenings/weekends, although I started to notice it wasn't as frequent. A few weeks ago it amped up, the contact and sex, and it felt like how things used to be. Then he freaked out again. Called me saying that he was miserable and was driving himself insane. That a part of why he was like this is bc they weren't having sex and he craved it..and knew he could get it with me. He said he had to make a choice and couldn't figure out what he wanted. I begged for him to come over so we could have a face to face conversation. He refused, saying it wasn't a good idea bc it was hard to control himself around me. At one point he got angry almost, said "if this was meant to be don't you think it'd be easier?" I said nothing in life was easy and all relationships take work. He said he felt bad bc he kept letting himself down and was trying to do the right thing. Then he said he needed time, he didn't want to talk anymore then about it, just wanted to go to sleep. Hangs up with "later" and that was it. That was three weeks ago and there has been no contact at all. I passed him in the hall and he choked out a "hey" and that was it. I'm to pieces. If this was his plan to never talk to me again, why couldn't he own it and tell

me? Instead I'm left with that phone call and nothing else. A year and a half we've been involved, and he basically tossed me on the curb like trash. But, I guess that's what I am. :( I tried so hard to make it work and he just didn't care. It's hard for me to wrap my head around. What happened? Will he be back or should I take it that it's really over this time?

 

I am trying to find the right words ... but I am focused on what I bolded...he has been married how long? And how long has he been jerking his wife's chain? Back and forth with you yet not letting her go...and you have had a front row seat at it and yet for some reason you are expecting him to treat you differently than he is treating his wife?

 

I don't say this to hurt you - but why do you keep letting him come back? Why did you want him to come talk to you face to face? I've read/seen too many times women who use sex as a 'tool' to keep a man. Sex won't keep a man. Sex satisfies a man, but a man won't choose a partner because of sex. He isn't conflicted at all. He has the best of both worlds, except his wife is tired of his games...and you don't seem to be.

 

You need to accept that it is over. You need to want MORE for yourself than to be his mistress. You need to respect yourself more than you are. You need to use your brain, not your heart, to realize he isn't good enough for YOU! He is a user. He is disrespectful of you (and his wife). He is playing with your emotions.

 

I firmly believe he will be back...but why would you want him back? To endure MORE of this? To continue this back and forth? He isn't worth it. He isn't worth your heart. He isn't someone you should ever want a life with. And please do NOT get pregnant and think having his kid would make him 'choose' you. It won't. There are countless stories on here (and other places) from women who have done just that. They think that having his kid will make him pick them and in the end, there is a child without an active father and a mother who spends months/years hurting over some d*ckhead who make lots of fake promises. Don't do that to a kid. Don't destroy their life that way. YOU can't change him - you can't make him want you. You can't make him be a decent person.

 

He isn't conflicted. He is trying to figure out how to keep the wife and the mistress. The wife is closer to being done with him than you are; and do you really want a guy by default, cause his wife tossed him out? That would crush your self esteem.

 

Stop putting your life on hold waiting for this jerk. Stop hoping for him to come back. Stop thinking he is the best you can do. He is far from it.

 

There is a poster here - Hope Shimmers - and she can attest that life does get better after you let go. She has rebuilt her life after 10000 times more heart ache than you are going through. Yes its hard and yes it hurts; but it is way better than what you are going through now. How much longer do you want to live this way..wondering when/if he will come back, offering him sex to keep him and then having him crap all over you only to come back in time and start the process over again?

 

Deal with the pain and heart ache. Mourn it, grieve it and then put it in the past and move forward. It will take time; and you will have days where you are angry, sad, confused and hurt...just like you already are. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel once you choose to let go of him and move on with your life.

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ShatteredHearts

Jellybean - they have been married 11 years. Time and time again he has said he's never done this before, this was a first for him and he didn't know what to do. I guess I kept allowing him to come back because of hope that he had changed, that it'd be different. Especially after he moved out - I thought ok! Now this might go somewhere. But of course it didn't, it just gave him more freedom to do as he pleased.

Deep down I know I deserve better. I don't know why I so desperately want him to want me, when obviously he doesn't. I think for awhile he did care about me, but once he realized he still wanted his wife. I was only needed for sex. He would hang out and spend time with her, and get his physical needs met by me. It's so obvious looking at it, but damn it hurts. It was almost like a competition. Pick me! I'm better! But really, what would I have won?

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Jellybean - they have been married 11 years. Time and time again he has said he's never done this before, this was a first for him and he didn't know what to do. I guess I kept allowing him to come back because of hope that he had changed, that it'd be different. Especially after he moved out - I thought ok! Now this might go somewhere. But of course it didn't, it just gave him more freedom to do as he pleased.

Deep down I know I deserve better. I don't know why I so desperately want him to want me, when obviously he doesn't. I think for awhile he did care about me, but once he realized he still wanted his wife. I was only needed for sex. He would hang out and spend time with her, and get his physical needs met by me. It's so obvious looking at it, but damn it hurts. It was almost like a competition. Pick me! I'm better! But really, what would I have won?

 

She wants him to want her

He wants her to want him

To get him to want her

she pretends she wants him

To get her to want him

he pretends he wants her

Jack wants Jill wants

Jill’s want of Jack Jack’s want of

Jill

so so

Jack tells Jill Jill tells Jack

Jack wants Jill Jill wants Jack

a perfect contract

Jill and Jack both want to be wanted.

Jill wants Jack because he wants to be

wanted

 

- RD Laing, 'Knots.'

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They can't make the decision whilst you are in the picture because you are what they are focusing on. Like a competition... Yeah. I know how that feels. I wasn't even there when they're problems started but I'm to blame yeah their marriage would be great if it wasn't for.me..

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Start looking for a different job.

Preferably in a different town.

 

Go No Contact.

Stay No Contact.

 

That, in a nutshell, is positively absolutely what you MUST do.

No bones about it, no ifs buts or maybes.

 

That's it.

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I read your first thread here. I may be wrong, but I think one of the reasons you allowed this guy back in is because you ended your relationship with your husband for this guy. In essence, you really do need this relationship to mean something because of what you have given up. Again, may be wrong, just a simple observation.

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it seems that you're addicted to the "hot 'n' cold" of the situation.

 

if you really wanted NC, you'd be looking for another job. why stay in such a toxic environment?

 

as for him, he has the best of both worlds- two women who are fighting for his attention, so he gives her a little hope and turns to you and gives you a little to keep you on the hook.

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jellybean89
Jellybean - they have been married 11 years. Time and time again he has said he's never done this before, this was a first for him and he didn't know what to do. I guess I kept allowing him to come back because of hope that he had changed, that it'd be different. Especially after he moved out - I thought ok! Now this might go somewhere. But of course it didn't, it just gave him more freedom to do as he pleased.

Deep down I know I deserve better. I don't know why I so desperately want him to want me, when obviously he doesn't. I think for awhile he did care about me, but once he realized he still wanted his wife. I was only needed for sex. He would hang out and spend time with her, and get his physical needs met by me. It's so obvious looking at it, but damn it hurts. It was almost like a competition. Pick me! I'm better! But really, what would I have won?

 

You would have won a cheater. A guy who played you, who is playing you and his wife. A guy who enjoys having intimate relations with you, but other than that...he has his 'needs' met by his wife.

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!!!

 

Relationships take time. You are trying to build something off of someone else pain and hurt. He doesn't care who much you are hurting...he only cares about HIS needs, HIS wants and HIS desires. IF he ever truly left his wife, he can't just run to you without working on HIMSELF and you need to work on YOU. Will you ever be able to trust him? Will you ever wonder, when he is late, where he is, who he is with, etc? He has done not one thing to make you feel like you are enough - that you are more than just a sex buddy.

 

Please, for your sake, stop this from continuing. He sure isn't hurting at all - he sure isn't care about how much you are hurting and what his back and forth is doing to you. Let him go.

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Chasing_mya

He has no idea what he wants. He's been flip flopping between you & his wife and you are wondering if it's over this time? Do you want to spend another 1.5 year with a person on the fence? Don't waste your time and move on. Even if he goes back to you, he'll only disappear again because he's confused, miserable and needs space. Make the decision for yourself to want better. You deserve more than these crumbs he gives you. Delete him from all social media, delete & block his #. I know easier said than done but its better that you do it now as oppose to wasting several more years of your life on a man that isn't consistent and doesn't know what he wants.

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