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Be careful what you wish for


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He emailed me today to see how I was. He said after our disagreement he was giving me time to let things settle. I told him I thought he was mad and using that to end it. He said not at all and that he didn't want to stop. He said ever since my separation I seemed interested in other men and he was giving me time to figure out what I want. I said you are getting engaged!! We are on a hamster wheel and going nowhere!!

 

Yesterday I was upset because I wanted closure and now he's back wanting to continue. I told him I don't understand it but I can't do it anymore, our bond is unhealthy and we have to let go.

 

Now I feel like I'm back to square one.

 

Those of you that are hoping to break NC don't. It's just a big cycle of nothing changing.

Edited by Ronnie33
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Sorry Ronnie. I really am. What was his response to you questioning how he is getting engaged?

 

He didn't say anything. Last time when I said to him " why do you want to continue this if you are in love and getting engaged he said "because it's you and my feelings for you started before her"

 

I was in the affair and married but I was so unhappy in my marriage way before he came along. I don't understand how you could be happy and cheat but it happens all the time here.

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I definitely KNEW he would be back. Typical.

 

I really didn't think so. I thought he was mad and realized since he's getting engaged he didn't care and was moving on.

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He is getting engaged?!

 

 

Holy hell, what a catch. :)

 

This actually made me lol. I can imagine from the outside looking in how ridiculous this sounds.

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BrokenPrincess
He didn't say anything. Last time when I said to him " why do you want to continue this if you are in love and getting engaged he said "because it's you and my feelings for you started before her"

 

.

 

Then why the heck is he getting engaged?!!?

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He emailed me today to see how I was. He said after our disagreement he was giving me time to let things settle. I told him I thought he was mad and using that to end it. He said not at all and that he didn't want to stop. He said ever since my separation I seemed interested in other men and he was giving me time to figure out what I want. I said you are getting engaged!! We are on a hamster wheel and going nowhere!!

 

Yesterday I was upset because I wanted closure and now he's back wanting to continue. I told him I don't understand it but I can't do it anymore, our bond is unhealthy and we have to let go.

 

Now I feel like I'm back to square one.

 

Those of you that are hoping to break NC don't. It's just a big cycle of nothing changing.

 

Would like you to consider he called you his best friend. In a best friend scenario if you think your friend is upset..a day or so maybe you allow space but how long did he wait to contact you? ..and wouldn't a brave and humble friend CALL you on the phone? Really? An email?

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Men are stupid in these situations. You would think they would do that...but that's too reasonable lol. My MM does the same crap sometimes when he thinks I'm upset or mad. He leaves me be till I either reach out or if I don't (cause I can be stubborn) he will reach out when he feels it's been too long. I asked him why he does this and he basically said he hates when I'm mad at him and he doesn't know what to do other than to give me space. It's stupid and it's just games.

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Then why the heck is he getting engaged?!!?

 

I have asked myself this a million times. My bestfriend is a psychologist and she thinks that because he had feelings for me first and wanted to be with me that he can't let go even though he is now with her.

 

It's the whole what if and unknown I think

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Southern Sun

Here's what I'm thinking...

 

You're getting separated (if I read that right); he's not even married yet. If he wanted something with you, wouldn't now be the perfect time? Make it legit!

 

But no. He wants to continue...an affair.

 

That tells you something.

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Would like you to consider he called you his best friend. In a best friend scenario if you think your friend is upset..a day or so maybe you allow space but how long did he wait to contact you? ..and wouldn't a brave and humble friend CALL you on the phone? Really? An email?

 

He is a huge conflict avoider and if he thinks I'm upset he would rather avoid it until it blows over. He waited 8 days, I should have known better.

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He is a huge conflict avoider and if he thinks I'm upset he would rather avoid it until it blows over. He waited 8 days, I should have known better.

 

My mm does this same crap. UGH. Hates conflict

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Here's what I'm thinking...

 

You're getting separated (if I read that right); he's not even married yet. If he wanted something with you, wouldn't now be the perfect time? Make it legit!

 

But no. He wants to continue...an affair.

 

That tells you something.

 

Exactly. It's going nowhere but he doesn't want to let go. I was so unhappy in my marriage for so long that I can't understand when people cheat that are happy. I don't judge because affair is an affair but I just never wanted someone else when I was happy.

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My mm does this same crap. UGH. Hates conflict

 

They do sound very similar. My personality is very upfront and in your face and he's more passive and avoidance. Drives me crazy because I'm the type of person who wants answers and acknowledgment if I'm pissed off.

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SleekArchitecture

This is the problem I have with these situations. You never get direct and concise answers. I am assuming you are still confused. I would be. He is not taken legally, and there is no reason for him not to be with you, yet he thinks it is a good idea to take a bride. Why would you begin a marriage like that? It has to be difficult for you, to figure what strange fence he is parked on.

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Rainbowlove

Shut this one down, Ronnie.

 

Close the door once and for all.

 

If he wanted you, he'd call off the engagement.

 

You deserve better.

 

Block him for good.

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This is the problem I have with these situations. You never get direct and concise answers. I am assuming you are still confused. I would be. He is not taken legally, and there is no reason for him not to be with you, yet he thinks it is a good idea to take a bride. Why would you begin a marriage like that? It has to be difficult for you, to figure what strange fence he is parked on.

 

He's on her side but wants me on his. Nice right.

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Shut this one down, Ronnie.

 

Close the door once and for all.

 

If he wanted you, he'd call off the engagement.

 

You deserve better.

 

Block him for good.

 

I know Rainbow, I know.

 

At this point any hope is gone, I know there is no future.

 

Thank You

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SleekArchitecture
He's on her side but wants me on his. Nice right.

 

That is a bizarre one. I cannot begin to figure this one out.

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That is a bizarre one. I cannot begin to figure this one out.

 

Thank you!! Lol imagine how I feel. I never thought you could love two people at once but now I'm really starting to believe it.

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Hope Shimmers

Hi Ronnie, I'm sorry that he contacted you and drew you back in.

 

I sense a calmness and relief (lack of panic) in your posts that wasn't there yesterday. I understand that feeling, I really do.

 

I believe you when you said (on another thread) that he is a decent guy who has never done this before - not a player. I believe you know that it has to end and there is no future in it.

 

It is true that he has every opportunity to break off his engagement with this woman. Maybe he will even do that. If he did, though (and even if he doesn't) something to keep in mind is, would you (either theoretically or in reality) want to be with a man who would do that to his fiancee? Because if he can do it to her, then he's perfectly capable of doing it to you or to anyone else.

 

There is something inherently wrong in the moral compass of a person who would do what he is doing. He isn't even married yet, so there is no excuse of kids or finances or marriage vows or house or any of that. I can't imagine what kind of future that woman has to look forward to.

 

Can you really continue to respect him? Respect has to be part of love.

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Hi Ronnie, I'm sorry that he contacted you and drew you back in.

 

I sense a calmness and relief (lack of panic) in your posts that wasn't there yesterday. I understand that feeling, I really do.

 

I believe you when you said (on another thread) that he is a decent guy who has never done this before - not a player. I believe you know that it has to end and there is no future in it.

 

It is true that he has every opportunity to break off his engagement with this woman. Maybe he will even do that. If he did, though (and even if he doesn't) something to keep in mind is, would you (either theoretically or in reality) want to be with a man who would do that to his fiancee? Because if he can do it to her, then he's perfectly capable of doing it to you or to anyone else.

 

There is something inherently wrong in the moral compass of a person who would do what he is doing. He isn't even married yet, so there is no excuse of kids or finances or marriage vows or house or any of that. I can't imagine what kind of future that woman has to look forward to.

 

Can you really continue to respect him? Respect has to be part of love.[/QU

OTE]

 

That's the thing Hope, he really is such a gentleman (I know it sounds crazy) genuinely nice guy. We were good friends for a year befor the affair and what attracted me to him so much was what a gentleman he was. As naive as it sounds we really became Bestfriends not realizing an EA was starting. He's never cheated and neither had I. It happened as innocently as an affair could, as stupid as that sounds.

 

 

I really do think he loves his girlfriend and wants to marry her but I think because he loved me first he doesn't know how to let go. He's invested in his gf and they have a life together. I think the connection to me is just hard for him to give up. I'm not saying it's not wrong because I can't understand how you can love someone, want to marry them and do this.

 

I know I could never trust him in a relationship, after what we did I would always know what he's capable of. I know I would be jealous everytime he came home late or went out. It would never work.

 

Yes, I know it's going nowhere and has to end. I don't not respect him for cheating because I cheated too but my feelings started to change when he told me he was going to be getting engaged. It's when I realized there was no future anymore.

 

 

Thanks Hope for taking time out read and reply

Edited by Ronnie33
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