SleekArchitecture Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 There are many different types of affairs. I could never gain a grasp for the longest time what type the ex was. He is a sub type of a serial cheater. But his serial cheating is long term. He has to have a side relationship in order to endure his marriage. He will likely not stop. There were affairs before me, with me, and I am certain after. A long term band aid. This pretty much sums it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I was a MW and he was in a relationship. This was a first for both of us. I remember when we were just friends him telling me how when he was younger he was dating an older woman and found out she was married and broke up with her. He said he really cared for her but he could never be with a married woman because it was so wrong. After our affair started I brought that up to him and he said "until I met you it was always true" I believe him. He's not that guy at all, just like I thought I was never that woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Not quite sure about my xMM He supposedly had never had a relationship outside of his marriage before me and at that point he was married 8 years, whether that is true or not I will never know. I believed him, and I hope he ends it at this one for the sake of his marriage working out Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 He serial cheated over the years, but is not the character of a player or womanizer. That may not make much sense to some, but they were secondary relationships, not another notch on the belt. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 There are many different types of affairs. I could never gain a grasp for the longest time what type the ex was. He is a sub type of a serial cheater. But his serial cheating is long term. He has to have a side relationship in order to endure his marriage. He will likely not stop. There were affairs before me, with me, and I am certain after. A long term band aid. This pretty much sums it up. Serial cheaters are not looking for a bandaid for their marriage they are looking for mirrors, band aids for their soul. It sounds like you believe that had he found the right person he wouldn't be having affairs. That's not the serial cheater. Do some research. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Serial cheaters are not looking for a bandaid for their marriage they are looking for mirrors, band aids for their soul. It sounds like you believe that had he found the right person he wouldn't be having affairs. That's not the serial cheater. Do some research. That is why I said subset, because I do not know how to exactly classify him, but I know in order to stay in the marriage, he has to have a girlfriend on the side. It makes it easier to go home and live through it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Great question!! My xMM was a narcissistic ego driven climbing the ladder to CEO. He needed me to give him that BIG push up to the next rung. From what I understand....he is still married and won a once in a lifetime vacation with his family....Maldives.... I hope they had a great time....NOT!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Although I've known MM for 15 years (a little over 4 of that in PA), I can say that I am still trying to figure him out. His marriage is not something he necessarily wanted so there is that. He is a person who has a lot of walls around him. He protects himself from a lot if things, so emotionally it's very hard with him. I see he wants to be different but it's like he is stuck and doesn't know how. It's really sad to be honest. I don't think he is a bad person or player, I just think he is lost and we both made a mistake. I do love him and I feel he loves me in his way. But obviously that doesn't make what we are doing right or even change anything. And it's getting old. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Riri90 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Ex seperated man is the type of man who wants a wife just to have one. Someone to do all the wifely duties/give him regular sex. His wife really could be anyone (I'm sorry that sounds so mean but true). He is the type of man that can't be alone. He won't leave a relationship unless there is somebody waiting for him. He is also an oppurtunist, meaning if something better than his wife presents itself, he'll go for it. I don't know what kind of cheater that makes him... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Although I've known MM for 15 years (a little over 4 of that in PA), I can say that I am still trying to figure him out. His marriage is not something he necessarily wanted so there is that. He is a person who has a lot of walls around him. He protects himself from a lot if things, so emotionally it's very hard with him. I see he wants to be different but it's like he is stuck and doesn't know how. It's really sad to be honest. I don't think he is a bad person or player, I just think he is lost and we both made a mistake. I do love him and I feel he loves me in his way. But obviously that doesn't make what we are doing right or even change anything. And it's getting old. The last two posts I can see some of the ex in there. I know if he was a player or womanizer he would not have put up with me for so long. I have always had the attitude if I do something I am going to dance like Jagger. It is comical in a way looking back that my mindset from the very beginning was I am the boss and I am the wife. This does not really set well in an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I also have noticed that MM can be extremely insecure which doesn't come off to the average person. He always has been one to come on extremely strong physically with me - chemistry off the charts. So I always initially saw him as someone who was confident and not shy at all, etc. He totally is not AT ALL. It hit me one day when he said something that seemed so childlike when he was worrying about how I viewed him in certain situations. And now I see it all the time in things he does/says. It's staggering, really. There are times now when he's with me and he seems so shy with me. Scared almost. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 I also have noticed that MM can be extremely insecure which doesn't come off to the average person. He always has been one to come on extremely strong physically with me - chemistry off the charts. So I always initially saw him as someone who was confident and not shy at all, etc. He totally is not AT ALL. It hit me one day when he said something that seemed so childlike when he was worrying about how I viewed him in certain situations. And now I see it all the time in things he does/says. It's staggering, really. There are times now when he's with me and he seems so shy with me. Scared almost. I noticed this too about the ex. Little things. He would question his hairstyle, workout, and want my affirmation. If I mentioned changing something about myself he would protest, I love it, exactly the way you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Riri90 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 The last two posts I can see some of the ex in there. I know if he was a player or womanizer he would not have put up with me for so long. I have always had the attitude if I do something I am going to dance like Jagger. It is comical in a way looking back that my mindset from the very beginning was I am the boss and I am the wife. This does not really set well in an affair. I don't think my ex seperated man was a player or womanizer...first off he never got to have sex with me and he still pursued me knowing that sex wasn't an option until after divorce. We were a little physical (hugging, kissing etc). He ended that little physcial stuff because I didn't want more at the time but he worked very hard(actions) to keep our emotional connection and friendship. Still called me everyday, texts all day ( I barely had to intiate) we still hung out and did things as friends. From what i read about most MM once the sex is dried up and no more option for sex they are done, they don't want the emotional part of it. But my ex seperated man still held on, even after I blocked and went NC for 2 months and when I popped back up, he was still there. We are still chatting now even though he knows sex is not on the table...so I am not sure what kind of cheater he is... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 I don't think my ex seperated man was a player or womanizer...first off he never got to have sex with me and he still pursued me knowing that sex wasn't an option until after divorce. We were a little physical (hugging, kissing etc). He ended that little physcial stuff because I didn't want more at the time but he worked very hard(actions) to keep our emotional connection and friendship. Still called me everyday, texts all day ( I barely had to intiate) we still hung out and did things as friends. From what i read about most MM once the sex is dried up and no more option for sex they are done, they don't want the emotional part of it. But my ex seperated man still held on, even after I blocked and went NC for 2 months and when I popped back up, he was still there. We are still chatting now even though he knows sex is not on the table...so I am not sure what kind of cheater he is... I can only guess, the emotional affair guy? Is he a dreamer or a romantic? Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Still trying to figure out my MM. Seems to have a good relationship with his wife, but treats me like a queen. Gives me a lot of presents. Spends a lot of money. Spends a lot of time with me. Says I'm his first affair, but I don't believe him. M +20 years. They seem to be getting along just fine. Not sexless, either. So I really don't know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Riri90 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I can only guess, the emotional affair guy? Is he a dreamer or a romantic? Yes he is very romantic...BUT he has cheated on his wife in the past (he told me himself) and they were ONS. But I have known him before he knew his wife and he NEVER rubbed me as a ONS type of guy...too emotional. So maybe half and half? Off topic but kind of on topic...can a MM be a different type of cheater to different type of women? Maybe be emotional affair guy with one woman and serial cheater/player guy with another woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I noticed this too about the ex. Little things. He would question his hairstyle, workout, and want my affirmation. If I mentioned changing something about myself he would protest, I love it, exactly the way you are. Well he never fished for physical appearance compliments. He just seems insecure about stuff he shouldn't. It's subtle stuff, but I totally see it now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Well he never fished for physical appearance compliments. He just seems insecure about stuff he shouldn't. It's subtle stuff, but I totally see it now. It was less fishing but more if I liked it cut a certain way, and what my opinion was on his hair, clothes, and many things, how I liked him. Some things are difficult to explain if you are not present. It was cute in a way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Yes he is very romantic...BUT he has cheated on his wife in the past (he told me himself) and they were ONS. But I have known him before he knew his wife and he NEVER rubbed me as a ONS type of guy...too emotional. So maybe half and half? Off topic but kind of on topic...can a MM be a different type of cheater to different type of women? Maybe be emotional affair guy with one woman and serial cheater/player guy with another woman? I suppose anything is possible. It is so individual, but i am sure it has happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Here's what I think - I don't want to try to figure him out anymore. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Here's what I think - I don't want to try to figure him out anymore. That is good thinking. I am at the point I can discuss it without missing him or wanting to contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 He always played his position. He never tried to compromise me or what I had. There was always that understanding between us. He was ALWAYS consistent in all that he said and did. He'd drop just about anything if I needed him too. He made being with him easy which was one of many down falls for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I don't know what "kind" he was. Our A developed after a long friendship and after he pursued things with me further. We fell in love and loved each other and had amazing chemistry. Not based on sex for the most part. Sex was rare. He never future faked and was always up front that he would never divorce, although to this day, he swears he's unhappy and just "plays house." He would say it was a shame we couldn't be together in real life. We would have been great together as we just got along well and seemed to match. If I had to put a label, perhaps self-serving, as our meetings were at his convenience and he followed a schedule. He was afraid of getting caught, so things were usually about his comfort, so I let him lead and played his way. I learned to ask for, and expect nothing, and died to myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I don't know what "kind" he was. Our A developed after a long friendship and after he pursued things with me further. We fell in love and loved each other and had amazing chemistry. Not based on sex for the most part. Sex was rare. He never future faked and was always up front that he would never divorce, although to this day, he swears he's unhappy and just "plays house." He would say it was a shame we couldn't be together in real life. We would have been great together as we just got along well and seemed to match. If I had to put a label, perhaps self-serving, as our meetings were at his convenience and he followed a schedule. He was afraid of getting caught, so things were usually about his comfort, so I let him lead and played his way. I learned to ask for, and expect nothing, and died to myself. This sounds very similar to mine except I was married and he lived with his gf. Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I can relate to that too. We don't future fake or say ILYs. We know neither one of us is leaving our spouses. But it does always feel to me like this is always on his terms. I never push to see him or for anything. So when we see each other it's when he asks and when it's convenient for him. Same with contact. I usually let him be the one who reaches out, so depending on what's going on in his life I could hear from him daily or just once/twice a week. I hate it and I need to end it. Just getting there is hard. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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