Jump to content

Feeling betrayed....


Recommended Posts

I had an affair for awhile that ended almost a year ago. During my affair I was confused so I consulted my two best frieds of 30 years. I felt at the time that they didn't judge me but actions speak louder and over the course of the year we don't speak as frequently and I sense a weirdness in my one holier than thow friend.

Anyway we had our girls weekend recently, we go away. We were talking about things and they were asking me how it's going and they revealed to me that they had both told their husbands. I am so hurt by this! Their are certain things we keep in the girlfriend vault! So when I had called my girlfriend an month ago her husband was truly cold to me and I asked her point blank if she had told him and she lied and said no. So how are me and my husband supposed to be around them now. I feel like I never want to see them again! I trusted them for support and guidance and my husband and I are in a good place now and working through this nightmare and now I hear that they know, which by the way means that a lot of other people know too!

 

Should I tell them how I feel?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers
I had an affair for awhile that ended almost a year ago. During my affair I was confused so I consulted my two best frieds of 30 years. I felt at the time that they didn't judge me but actions speak louder and over the course of the year we don't speak as frequently and I sense a weirdness in my one holier than thow friend.

Anyway we had our girls weekend recently, we go away. We were talking about things and they were asking me how it's going and they revealed to me that they had both told their husbands. I am so hurt by this! Their are certain things we keep in the girlfriend vault! So when I had called my girlfriend an month ago her husband was truly cold to me and I asked her point blank if she had told him and she lied and said no. So how are me and my husband supposed to be around them now. I feel like I never want to see them again! I trusted them for support and guidance and my husband and I are in a good place now and working through this nightmare and now I hear that they know, which by the way means that a lot of other people know too!

 

Should I tell them how I feel?

 

Does your husband know?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
jellybean89

You can but their loyalty is to their spouse, not to you.maybe they discussed things with their spouses because they couldn't understand how you could betray your spouse?

 

You don't get to decide how they feel about what you did, everyone judges everyone...don't know why this is a shock to you. You are judging them right now. They don't have to support your decision to have an affair. They don't have to agree with it nor do they have to share your feelings on infidelity.

 

I understand you being hurt, but honestly, you shouldn't have brought this drama not their lives. It wasn't fair of you to expect them to "go along with" your choices. Knowing you all get together as couples, it was not cool to make them a part of this.

  • Like 12
Link to post
Share on other sites

I disagree totally with what Jellybean said. If they are your true friends it is woman code that you don't tell. I know everything about my Bestfriends and would never tell my husband anything I thought they wouldn't want him to know. It's not his business it's their business. My husband was married to me, not my friends.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You can but their loyalty is to their spouse, not to you.maybe they discussed things with their spouses because they couldn't understand how you could betray your spouse?

 

You don't get to decide how they feel about what you did, everyone judges everyone...don't know why this is a shock to you. You are judging them right now. They don't have to support your decision to have an affair. They don't have to agree with it nor do they have to share your feelings on infidelity.

 

I understand you being hurt, but honestly, you shouldn't have brought this drama not their lives. It wasn't fair of you to expect them to "go along with" your choices. Knowing you all get together as couples, it was not cool to make them a part of this.

 

Ok let me explain again. Over 30 years best friends since wears 13! We ave been through more than you could even imagine. There is a code among friends that has nothing to do with husbands. Yes maybe they didn't approve but I wasn't looking for that I was looking for some insight as to what to do. It doesn't matter they blabbed and they shouldnt of. And yes my husband knows and he is also upset because the men stopped calling him. Jeez, we are human.

 

People should make sure they are perfect before they judge others! If a friendship ends over this then we were never friends.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I disagree totally with what Jellybean said. If they are your true friends it is woman code that you don't tell. I know everything about my Bestfriends and would never tell my husband anything I thought they wouldn't want him to know. It's not his business it's their business. My husband was married to me, not my friends.

 

Thank you!!! I trusted them and they betrayed that friendship. Should I say something?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Rainbowlove

Everyone in my life knows about my affair.

 

Everyone in my wife's life knows about my affair.

 

And I do mean everyone; including neighbors and co-workers.

 

My wife and I decided if anyone didbt support our reconciliation, there was no room for them in our lives.

 

For us it's worked out. I don't feel judged anymore. I truthfully don't care who judges me. If they do, that's their problem, not mine.

 

I am working on forgiving and liking myself again. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks...just me and my wife.

 

You feel betrayed by them bc they shared your secret. I get it, but it's just part of having an affair.

 

You and your husband face them as a united front. You own what you did and give them nothing to talk about it.

 

I would tell them how you feel. Absolutely.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you!!! I trusted them and they betrayed that friendship. Should I say something?

 

I wouldn't be able not to.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you should explain to them that you were upset by their choice and why- but do not go on the attack. It needs to be a calm, adult conversation. If you don't say anything, it's going to build up inside and you're going to resent them eventually and possibly ruin friendships.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

*Should I tell them how I feel?

 

No. Just apologise to them for burdening them with your toxic secrets.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
No. Just apologise to them for burdening them with your toxic secrets.

 

Everyone has secrets, toxic or not that is what friendship is for.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect

Looks like you need to find some new friends.

 

I have girlfriends for over 30 years who are married and I'd never put them in the position of keeping a secret for me that they couldn't tell their spouse. I just wouldn't do it. I assume they share things we talk about with them, and it's never been an issue. Of course if you began your secret telling with the caveat that they weren't supposed to discuss this with anyone (to include their spouse) and they agreed they wouldn't, then yea, I'd be pissed. Looks like these friendships have reached their expiration.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture

I wish you thought more clearly before telling anyone, even long time friends about something that makes the juiciest of gossip. Look at all the tabloids and how excited and rewarding it makes people feel to read about complete strangers personal lives in entertainment. Topics like that are what many couples talk about between one another. They are really open and share all.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Their husbands are more important,more close friends, than youb are to them.Why would they not mention something like that ? i would never hide it,and i understand why the men acted cold towards you...maybe they are not so for a friendship anymore anyway?

 

having an affair is a huge thing in couple friendship

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
Everyone has secrets, toxic or not that is what friendship is for.

 

No. That is not what friendships are for.

 

Friendships are for sharing love and mutual support, not toxic secrets.

 

What is a toxic secret?

 

It's something you hide from someone has a right to know it, because it effects them.

 

What you are presenting as friendship is decidedly unhealthy.

Edited by Satu
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

It was agreed they would not tell their spouses and over the years there have been plenty of things they've told me that I never said anything.

 

If you can't burden your friends then why have friends to begin with. If anyone thinks I burdened them w my toxic secrets than they don't have friends!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
No. That is not what friendships are for.

 

Friendships are for sharing love and mutual support, not toxic secrets.

 

What is a toxic secret?

 

It's something you hide from someone has a right to know it, because it effects them.

 

What you are presenting as friendship is decidedly unhealthy.

 

When your friends for thirty years you talk to each other...and their is a code.... Men have codes too...that's just how it is... And I didn't think what I said was toxic, I was unhappy and going through a difficult time.

Who are you to judge me?? You best be perfect

Link to post
Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture
When your friends for thirty years you talk to each other...and their is a code.... Men have codes too...that's just how it is... And I didn't think what I said was toxic, I was unhappy and going through a difficult time.

Who are you to judge me?? You best be perfect

 

 

Whether we like it or not, people are going to judge affairs, best friends or not. Most friendships are not composed of unconditional love. Affairs are tricky. If someone is stringently against affairs, it will lead to judgement. You are now different in the group and they may not be comfortable with it.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle

Sometimes I think that everything navigates towards Truth. The deception of your husband, however long ago that happened, eventually revealed itself to him. What is shocking is that you still must deal with the consequences of your deception. And I suggest that deception won't be fully satiated until it reaches full and unconstrained Truth.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Whether we like it or not, people are going to judge affairs, best friends or not. Most friendships are not composed of unconditional love. Affairs are tricky. If someone is stringently against affairs, it will lead to judgement. You are now different in the group and they may not be comfortable with it.

 

I think you may be right. I feel like I'm wearing a scarlet letter. I'm trying to forgive myself and heal and every time I feel I'm making headway, I go back two steps. I just don't know how to get rid of the guilt and forgive myself...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Sometimes I think that everything navigates towards Truth. The deception of your husband, however long ago that happened, eventually revealed itself to him. What is shocking is that you still must deal with the consequences of your deception. And I suggest that deception won't be fully satiated until it reaches full and unconstrained Truth.

 

What does that even mean? The truth is out. It's been almost a year and I know what I did was crappy, I get it! I really do. I'm a good person. I'm judging myself more an anyone else ever could, trust me.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Bittersweetie

I can understand, being friends for so long, why this is upsetting. But I can also see, from your friends side, how knowing this information can be awkward especially if you all hang out as couples. Even though their original loyalty is to you, they know and care about your H too? So maybe your information made them feel strange, and their husbands noticed and asked, and that's how it was shared....they didn't want to lie for you to their own Hs? Just a thought.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture
I think you may be right. I feel like I'm wearing a scarlet letter. I'm trying to forgive myself and heal and every time I feel I'm making headway, I go back two steps. I just don't know how to get rid of the guilt and forgive myself...

 

 

I have judged others I know for being in affair, pot calling the kettle black, but these are the women that are always in an affair, multiple, everyone always knows, they socialize and try to hang within certain circles. You would think having affairs was their occupation.

 

Most of us here have found ourselves meeting someone we really felt a strong connection with and we feel a mixture of guilt and love, which is confusing, and need to find an understanding. I do not judge you, but feel bad you opened yourself up and now have to go through that scarlet letter.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
When your friends for thirty years you talk to each other...and their is a code.... Men have codes too...that's just how it is... And I didn't think what I said was toxic, I was unhappy and going through a difficult time.

Who are you to judge me?? You best be perfect

 

I'm not judging you. I don't care what you do. I care what I do.

 

You are confusing privacy and secrecy.

 

Anyone has a right to privacy. If I don't want to share something I don't have to. It's my business what I tell and what I keep to myself.

 

A secret, as stated above, is something you hide from someone who has a right to know it, because it effects them.

 

You have a right to privacy, but you do not have a right to lie, deceive and mislead people.

 

I will say no more on this topic.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...