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Trying to put the pieces of my life back together


lookingforclosure

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lookingforclosure

I have been lurking on this forum for a few weeks...trying to make sense of my situation

 

 

Here's my story

 

 

I became friendly with MM at my job. We had lunch together always in a group but would talk after work pretty much daily. I was going through a divorce at the time and it was nice to be able to talk about anything but what I was dealing with my soon to be xH. We had many similar interests and would talk about movies and music until late in the evening. At some point I did ask him how he was always able to text me so late and he mentioned that him and his wife barely slept in the same room and that she was usually asleep very early.

 

 

After several months of that he told me how unhappy his marriage had been for years and if it wasn't for his child he would've already been divorced but didn't want him to go through the same thing he did with a broken home. Then one night he text me and told me he was falling in love with me and it scared him..I had felt the same but was trying to avoid it because he was married and is held in high regard at the company.

 

 

His W saw my # on the phone bill and had confronted him about it. At that point we were friends, not really accepting that we were in a full blown EA at that point. I told him we should not continue contact and he should focus on making his marriage work. Three days later he text saying it was killing him not to speak with me.

 

 

Our relationship eventually did become physical and I felt I had found true love..he would call every morning and text all day and call on his way home every evening. We would text until bedtime. He told me he couldn't see living a life without me in it and that it was a matter of time before things blew up at home. I fell hook line and sinker for it. From that point it was on hot and heavy. They never vacationed or spent most weekends together so that gave us lots of opportunity to see each other. It was also causing more and more tension in his marriage and I thought any day and he was leaving. He would send me pics of him and his son with his side of the family, told me how much his mother would love me...blah, blah, blah

Throw all that together with "I wish I had met you years ago and my soul loves you" made it impossible for me to walk away, I attempted to unsuccessfully 5 times but he always reeled me back in. Because I was weak and I had never had a man show me so much love and attention.

 

 

Then slowly he started pulling back, not texting or calling as much and our time together became less and less due to children school schedule and work schedules. His work schedule and his BW new career.

 

 

Then around Christmas he told me that he really loved me but thought he might need to try to make his marriage work for his child. I was devastated to say the least. How do you go from wanting a life with me to nothing. I said I understood, said goodbye and then fell apart when we hung up the phone. I couldn't sleep, hardly ate and cried for days. I went to a therapist and she is helping me to sort through all this.

Well he popped up couple weeks later saying he didn't know if he had made the right decision and it stunk. We had a few conversations after that. But then early January he told me that we needed to take some time apart, to see how true our love was...that we have to trust God that he knows what is best for us. I told him if it was goodbye, it's goodbye and just man up...He said it wasn't goodbye it was soon. He asked for NC for a month and then see where things were at that point. Well I never hear from him. A month has come and gone, I reached out a couple times (4) over the two month period and he ignored it all. No reply to text or phone calls. I sent him a text telling him I just wanted to talk to him and didn't want things to end like this...he acts like he doesn't know me when he passes me on the road. I just want some closure. I asked him to just face it instead of letting me suffer in silence, that's the worst. That text got my number blocked. I could've taken "f you leave me alone" much better than being blocked. I feel as if he has disposed of me like trash. Like I was nothing to him over 2 years...why is he such a coward? My therapist says it may be his way of a "back up plan" so to speak if his wife does decide to kick him out....because she knows, she doesn't have concrete proof but she knows.

 

 

I am having a hard time dealing with the way he chose to handle this ending...I can deal with the rejection, yes it's painful but I trusted him to be straight forward instead of leaving me with it's soon and then end up with nothing

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Well now you know.

This is the kind of man who told you everything you needed to hear in order to satisfy his ego. He's a liar and a fraud.

 

Your trust in him was misplaced, right from the start, because he revealed the kind of guy he was by continuing to cheat with you on his wife, even after discovery. He pursued you because it was fun, free sex.

He thought nothing of deceiving his wife and lying to her, why on earth would you believe a word he said, to you?

 

He's the least trustworthy kind of individual there is.

He told you it was over the instant he blanked you off and refused to respond.

You really should have got the message right there. 'Reaching out' left you floundering, drowning and bewildered.

Blocking you - IS your closure.

That's all you're getting so, sadly, you'll have to finish the book off by yourself, because nobody ever gets closure form an ex, everyone has to fashion their own.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Never let yourself be a piece in somebody else's game.

 

This ended badly because it was the only way it could end.

 

You ended up with nothing, because thats all he really had to offer you.

 

Here's a line from my diary:

 

"If you don't know you deserve something better, you'll never have anything better."

 

Here is something I wrote and put into practice in my own healing. Some of it might be helpful to you:

 

***********************************************************

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

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lookingforclosure

Thanks Satu

 

 

You are right...I was just a piece in his game

Now he gets to go back to his happy life and i'm having to try and heal.

I am in crisis mode since I am only two months out and I know that time heals, I just resent him for taking the cowards way out. I at least don't have to work with him anymore but still have friends there.

It helps to talk about it...it's not the dirty little secret anymore that's been eating me up inside. I've lost over 30lbs during this ordeal and have felt awful about myself. I have felt much guilt about my role in all this...I guess I feel as though i'm carrying it for two

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SNIP:

Thanks Satu

 

You are right...I was just a piece in his game

*Now he gets to go back to his happy life and i'm having to try and heal.

I am in crisis mode since I am only two months out and I know that time heals, I just resent him for taking the cowards way out. I at least don't have to work with him anymore but still have friends there.

**It helps to talk about it...it's not the dirty little secret anymore that's been eating me up inside. I've lost over 30lbs during this ordeal and have felt awful about myself. I have felt much guilt about my role in all this...I guess I feel as though i'm carrying it for two

 

*He doesn't have a happy life. You can trust me on that.

 

**It's important to talk about it. It's a vital part of the healing process.

 

The exact centre of the healing process is learning how to love yourself.

 

It might sound trite, or overly simplistic, but it's true.

 

You are in recovery, and you'll come out of the other side feeling better about yourself than you ever have.

 

Here's an extract from an old diary of mine:

 

 

Feel the feeling.

 

Be with yourself feeling the feeling.

 

Love yourself for being with yourself.

 

Love yourself for being.

 

 

Take good care of yourself.

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Rainbowlove
I just resent him for taking the cowards way out.

 

He told you at Christmas time he was ending it. Maybe you hoped this time wasn't really the end. The two of you ended it with the door open and that was wrong.

 

If he couldn't close the door forever, you do it.

 

You can now take your power back by slamming the door shut. If you haven't already blocked him, do it now. He doesn't get to come back into your life for any reason.

 

It's over. Let it be over.

 

I have felt much guilt about my role in all this...I guess I feel as though i'm carrying it for two

 

You are only responsible for you. You own your part in the affair. Own your healing process and make it priority number one above all else.

 

Don't carry anything for him. He has his own crap to carry, trust me.

 

He can't give you closure. Only you have that power.

 

You can move through this. I'm glad to hear you have a therapist who is helping you.

 

Chalk this up to a very painful learning experience.

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I'm so sorry you are hurting. I would never be so cold to ignore someone I at one time had a relationship with even it was wasn't right. That to me is so cold and just mean. I understand going NC but he should have responded and at least told you "I'm staying in my marriage, I'm sorry for hurting you and please don't contact me again". Chances are that he doesn't want the confrontation with you or his wife to find out so he blocked you.

 

You have already made it two months without this asshat, you are moving forward towards better things. Keep posting here if you need support. We all understand what you feel.

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MessedupinMiami

Wow this is heartbreaking I am so sorry that you are going through this.

 

 

If it helps at all know that he did care for you he had to if he spent that much time with you. It is probably just easier for him this way (although it was a total coward move).

Edited by MessedupinMiami
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lookingforclosure

Ronnie 33

 

 

That's all I wanted to hear...I didn't care if it was "leave me alone" At least it was something. My therapist says that silence in situations like this is the cruelest thing you can do to another person.

 

 

MessupinMiami

 

 

I appreciate those kind words...and maybe he did care, maybe I was a conquest...all I know is that in the end he was a coward. Funny thing is that was the one thing he never wanted to be called, said he was much better than being a coward.

 

 

I haven't blocked his numbers, because he has mine blocked so why bother. That pretty much tells me he isn't planning on contacting me anyway. I do hope he can find some happiness in his marriage for his son's sake and his own. I know what it's like to live in an unhappy marriage. But I don't have children so I don't know what the pull would've been to stay if I had.

 

 

Some friends say I should contact his wife, I don't think that's truly my place. Just because he's treated me with less than respect doesn't mean I have to stoop to that level. I wouldn't want to hurt her anymore than she has already been.

 

 

And I haven't boarded the crazy train...no calling from private numbers, no riding by the house, etc The only times I have seen him is in his car on the road since we work in close proximity.

 

 

I do love him and want what is best for him...I just hate the stringing along in the end. It's over, it's over...no it's soon baby, that's what really got my head all messed up. And maybe he thinks he has left the door open "just in case"...but I want to be stronger so if that happens I can tell HIM where to go

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Southern Sun

My goodness. The more time I spend on this site, the more I think - all of our stories are the same.

 

He pulled away because the excitement began to wear off and he started to see reality...he was married and had gotten himself into an outside relationship. I am sure he truly cared for you, as much as one can in those situations. He was testing the waters by going NC and decided not to ruin his momentum by reconnecting with you after the month went by.

 

A proper goodbye would have been a lot more respectable. But saying 'goodbye' to someone you care about when you know it's probably forever is kind of difficult. Okay, really difficult. Maybe he went NC and took it one day at at time, and now one day has rolled into the next and he just can't mess it up. Maybe he knows it puts his marriage at risk to even speak with you.

 

As Rainbow said...take back your own control and go NC on your end. It hurts but you really will be okay.

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MessedupinMiami

lookingforclosure

 

be strong and remember you will get past this. Our stories are so similar with the texting all day from morning till bedtime and him promising me he would never leave and claiming i was his soulmate etc.

 

We started NC earlier this week and I can barely function but I know I will come out a stronger person for it and so will you. Posting on here and writing in a journal has become a sort of therapy for me. Remember we can all relate and want to help!

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lookingforclosure

MessedupinMiami

 

 

Yeah he told me the last time we spoke that if I needed him he was there for me...see how good that was when I asked for closure

 

 

It's nice to be able to see i'm not alone in this type of situation. Sometimes I sit and ask myself...did you actually think he would leave his family for you

You always see things through rose colored glasses sometimes

He has mentioned that his wife has called him narcisisitic at times, now i'm starting to wonder if that may be true lol

 

 

I know I will come out stronger...dang I have to, I hit rock bottom there's only one way and that's up.

 

 

 

 

Southern

 

 

You might be right about his NC...he has avoided mutual friends and events we all used to share. He has basically become a hermit where they are concerned. It's ok because I still continue to participate with them, I don't want it to look odd...people are noticing his behavior towards me and have questioned it. But that's for him to answer not me.

 

 

 

 

My family has been really supportive and therapy is helping, it just seems so long and yet it's only been 2 months. I take it day by day...most days I don't recall details but I dreamt of him last night and thought of a particular time we were out of town before I went to bed last night and it hurt my heart. Thank God those aren't every day anymore. But there are too many places and too many songs that remind me of him. I have altered my driving routes, my lunch time, and radio stations hoping to get balance back

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MessedupinMiami

it really seems like you're on your way. I agree about hitting rock bottom this it the lowest i have ever felt in my life so it has to get better!

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Rainbowlove

it just seems so long and yet it's only been 2 months. I take it day by day...most days I don't recall details but I dreamt of him last night and thought of a particular time we were out of town before I went to bed last night and it hurt my heart. Thank God those aren't every day anymore. But there are too many places and too many songs that remind me of him. I have altered my driving routes, my lunch time, and radio stations hoping to get balance back

 

These are all positive and necessary steps towards healing.

 

It absolutely sucks, but you are doing all the right things to help you move forward.

 

The pain will subside in more time.

 

Best thing for you is to continue to avoid anything that brings you back to him. Block him. You may think what's the use, he's blocked me but you are hanging on to a piece of him. Even that god damn number is a piece of him.

 

Get rid of it. You have no use for it.

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I also went through the same thing....then the push and pull started.. And finally I'd just had enough to it. There are days I still miss the friendship and memories of us but I also know something like this could never work.

Think about it, let's say he calls you tomorrow and decides he chooses you, could you trust him? Do you believe him? You would always have that feeling that he wasn't being honest and he was going to go NC again.... I know I do not want to play this game anymore..... Their are no winners so I fold...

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MessedupinMiami

 

 

Yeah he told me the last time we spoke that if I needed him he was there for me...see how good that was when I asked for closure

 

 

It's nice to be able to see i'm not alone in this type of situation. Sometimes I sit and ask myself...did you actually think he would leave his family for you

You always see things through rose colored glasses sometimes

He has mentioned that his wife has called him narcisisitic at times, now i'm starting to wonder if that may be true lol

 

 

I know I will come out stronger...dang I have to, I hit rock bottom there's only one way and that's up.

 

 

 

 

Southern

 

 

You might be right about his NC...he has avoided mutual friends and events we all used to share. He has basically become a hermit where they are concerned. It's ok because I still continue to participate with them, I don't want it to look odd...people are noticing his behavior towards me and have questioned it. But that's for him to answer not me.

 

 

 

 

My family has been really supportive and therapy is helping, it just seems so long and yet it's only been 2 months. I take it day by day...most days I don't recall details but I dreamt of him last night and thought of a particular time we were out of town before I went to bed last night and it hurt my heart. Thank God those aren't every day anymore. But there are too many places and too many songs that remind me of him. I have altered my driving routes, my lunch time, and radio stations hoping to get balance back

 

The radio, certain clothes, movies, and a million other things remind me of him.

I went to put lotion on my legs today after I got out of the shower and grabbed the lotion I always wore when I met him and couldn't put it on. It's so hard but I give in now I'm back square one and I hated being there too even though I miss him so much.

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I think the strong opinion for you to go NC (block, delete and ignore) is so that when the dust settles in his life he can't pop over and disrupt your life, healing and progress.

 

Read the posts on the infidelity forum. When an A is revealed the first step towards R (reconciliation) is full disclosure. He might not have the opportunity to say goodbye because his first commitment is to his family.

 

This makes sense if you have been blocked. She was aware of the messages and out of respect for her he didn't reply and blocked you.

 

Some BSs will allow for closure, however very rarely. In many of the rare cases the closure initiates bringing the A further underground. BSs are MAD they don't consider the OW/OM'S feelings and WS don't dare to ask for the permission of closure.

 

I suppose if you REALLY want closure you can ask his wife. If you intentions is only to get a proper goodbye then you can invite her. However, like many in your situation by saying goodbye, in person part of you hopes he looks in your eyes, sees your pain and realizes he can't live without you. He wants you and only you.

 

Perhaps being grateful for the lack of closure might help you heal. He sacrificed his love for you to cut it clean so there is no bouncing back and forth. No yo-yo'ing your heart. It hurts of course but you are not broken.

 

You will heal, move on and find another. Hopefully someone who can love you openly and with his whole heart.

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Southern Sun
Sometimes I sit and ask myself...did you actually think he would leave his family for you

You always see things through rose colored glasses sometimes

 

I just wanted to address this...don't blame yourself for believing what he told you. Just because things are different now doesn't mean the feelings weren't real at the time.

 

But DO listen to what he's telling you now...through his actions. You will be fine!

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Quiet Storm
He has mentioned that his wife has called him narcisisitic at times, now i'm starting to wonder if that may be true lol

 

I think OW should consider the wife has known him a long time. If they don't sleep in the same bed anymore and have no connection, OW shouldn't assume it's because the wife is a bltch. She likely has a reason for the distance. He's probably disappointed her, lied to her about other things, is selfish, etc. Remember he chose to handle his marriage problems in a dishonest and cowardly way, and he will handle problems with OW that way, too.

 

You will be OK lookingforclosure. You are better off without a liar and a cheater. You loved the guy you thought he was, and you loved what you hoped you two could be. He's not really that guy, though. It will be hard to let go of the hopes and feelings, but time and patience will get you there.

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I think OW should consider the wife has known him a long time. If they don't sleep in the same bed anymore and have no connection, OW shouldn't assume it's because the wife is a bltch. She likely has a reason for the distance. He's probably disappointed her, lied to her about other things, is selfish, etc. Remember he chose to handle his marriage problems in a dishonest and cowardly way, and he will handle problems with OW that way, too.

 

You will be OK lookingforclosure. You are better off without a liar and a cheater. You loved the guy you thought he was, and you loved what you hoped you two could be. He's not really that guy, though. It will be hard to let go of the hopes and feelings, but time and patience will get you there.

 

This is so true. I knew my mm wife slept in another room and he always played the poor me card. Now I think that she had good reasons for this and I was stupid.

I also loved who my mm was but now I know that it wasn't the real him, the real him was lieing and cheating and I fell for it! Shame on me!

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lookingforclosure
This is so true. I knew my mm wife slept in another room and he always played the poor me card. Now I think that she had good reasons for this and I was stupid.

I also loved who my mm was but now I know that it wasn't the real him, the real him was lieing and cheating and I fell for it! Shame on me!

 

 

 

You are probably right...and with the distance I have recalled instances of things he would tell me she said about him. And now i'm starting to understand why she could have been this way or treated him a certain way. She has probably been treated by him the exact way he is treating me now. No wonder she went and got a really, really good paying job, she told him she now has options. She stayed at home with their son.

 

 

I'm not sure he has been totally honest about the extent of our A...i'm sure he has minimized it the best he can in hopes of sweeping it under the rug so to speak. She hasn't attempted to call me, but my number was changed a year ago due to my xH crazy family drama. But the girl who has my old number actually lives in my area, looked me up on FB because she would get so many calls from friends and such. She did tell me she got some pretty rude texts about 8 months ago, I know it was his wife's number. I'm sure she could find me if she really wanted to with all the social media, but i'm not too worried about any confrontation with her at this point.

 

 

I miss the man I fell in love with, but I am seeing more and more each day that wasn't the "real" him. I loved who I thought he was, what I dreamed we could've had in the future. But his actions show me he doesn't really care about anyone but himself. It's such a let down to know you really never truly know someone.

 

 

I hope for his sake and his child he can go and get some help so he doesn't repeat this destructive behavior with someone else, the next one may not back off so easy

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You are probably right...and with the distance I have recalled instances of things he would tell me she said about him. And now i'm starting to understand why she could have been this way or treated him a certain way. She has probably been treated by him the exact way he is treating me now. No wonder she went and got a really, really good paying job, she told him she now has options. She stayed at home with their son.

 

 

I'm not sure he has been totally honest about the extent of our A...i'm sure he has minimized it the best he can in hopes of sweeping it under the rug so to speak. She hasn't attempted to call me, but my number was changed a year ago due to my xH crazy family drama. But the girl who has my old number actually lives in my area, looked me up on FB because she would get so many calls from friends and such. She did tell me she got some pretty rude texts about 8 months ago, I know it was his wife's number. I'm sure she could find me if she really wanted to with all the social media, but i'm not too worried about any confrontation with her at this point.

 

 

I miss the man I fell in love with, but I am seeing more and more each day that wasn't the "real" him. I loved who I thought he was, what I dreamed we could've had in the future. But his actions show me he doesn't really care about anyone but himself. It's such a let down to know you really never truly know someone.

 

 

I hope for his sake and his child he can go and get some help so he doesn't repeat this destructive behavior with someone else, the next one may not back off so easy

 

Im sorry you are in so much pain. Youre story sounded so similar to mine. Imo, he did mean everything he said, once the wife found out, she began monitoring his phone, phone bill, etc. He had to show her, he was not responding. He blocked u to prove to her he wants to work on his marriage. Im sure he thinks of you, you cant just turn off your feelings. That being said, now its time you move forward. You will be loved by someone more worthy of you.

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lookingforclosure

The thing is...I don't think he has come clean with her. I know he did give her access to the phone bill in Dec but I have a new number and he would only contact via Skype and his work cell. She doesn't have access to the work phone, but he has had his calls forwarded to his personal cell as of recent.

I wasn't blocked until I sent the last text asking for closure because I didn't want things to be this way...going MIA and acting like he never knew me. I guess that pushed him over the edge. He hasn't blocked me on the Skype account but is set away. I haven't had the strength the erase the last connection I have to him. I have deleted pics, email, and phone numbers.

I just don't understand how you can love someone so much, be so unhappy in your marriage and when you are basically given the opportunity to leave (which you said you wanted to) you just stay there.

He has his life the way it's always been...now i'm having to refocus mine, and realize the future we talked about has died

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