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Sanitycheck

I don't know if I will have ever have a regular life.

 

 

I was sexually molested by my uncles at age 9, called a saddist by a man who I really liked at age 17, dumped by a married man with whom I was completely involved at age 23, married in an "arranged" marriage at 25, a baby boy born at age 26, the baby was then diagonised with being on the autism spectrum when he was 3 and me 29.

 

 

And if all the above wasn't enough age 31 I get attracted to a friend, at age 33 sleep with him, 34 get pregnant with his baby which I abort alone as he does not want to do anything with me anymore and wants to be there with his neurologically issue ridden wife. I break off then and now again age 37 am back with him!

 

 

Through all this I have been through post natal depression, depression post the abortion and still some how managed to stay strong, smile and do well professionally.

 

 

And to the current problem in hand, I am once again being the person I am, open loving caring and forgiving and he is being who he is, giving me time when he can doing things the way he wants. I should leave. Why cant I? What am I so afraid of? I have no romantic relationship left with my husband and sometimes I think that's what I am afraid of..of never being in love and in a relationship.

 

 

Please guide me on how to get over this and move on. Is there truly someone who loves me just around the corner if I let go off this man? What do I do? Please give me some practical tips of how to just be free and happy and in love.

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Do what you know you want to do that is right for you, rather than doing what you think is expected of you, or what you feel will bring easy results.

 

Sometimes, the simplest solutions are the most obvious one, but the most difficult ones to implement.

Why?

 

because it means breaking something.

And breaking it so that it can never be put back together again.

 

And that break has to be with your past.

 

Stop thinking that your past IS your present.

It isn't.

 

It happened, but it's irretrievable, and should be abandoned as too heavy to carry and of no further use.

 

You need to forgive yourself, because i get the feeling you believe your past has sullied you and turned you into something less worthy.

 

Carl Jung said:

 

"The Past is over. Forgiveness means giving up all Hope of a Better Past."

 

Nothing you do today, will change yesterday.

But it's your choice for how much longer you will lean on it, like a crutch, like a justification, like an explanation of what you are today.

 

What you are today is a result of your choices.

Pure and simple.

You've made poor choices because you believed they would bring you happiness, and that was the single level of happiness you deserved.

 

Look at your life, examine the sensible options, and choose.

 

Wisely.

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(a) stop seeing men on the side

(b) get some therapy

© sort out your marriage

(d) spend time on your own without a man in your life. see that you don't need one to be happy,, so that when you do decide to have another non-affair relationship, it will be because you want to, not because you feel you have to

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amaysngrace

Is there truly someone who loves me just around the corner if I let go of this man?

 

Yep there is. It's the same person who has been there all along. That person is you.

 

Unfortunately the choices you've been making don't reflect a lot of love for yourself though.

 

How can you expect somebody to love you when you don't even seem to like yourself very much?

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(d) spend time on your own without a man in your life.

 

 

 

^^^^^^THIS! You don't need a man to be happy.

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Sanitycheck

I have not been able to open up like this ever and I thank each one of you for your replies and advice..I keep reading and hearing..like yourself, love yourself..how does one do that?..I want to reach there, be in love with myself

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amaysngrace
I keep reading and hearing..like yourself, love yourself..how does one do that?..I want to reach there, be in love with myself

 

Therapy. Or you can read Dr Phil's book Self Matters. Or do both.

 

There's also a ton of stuff online that can help you deal with self-esteem issues. But if it's been a lifelong pattern you're most likely going to need counseling to help you overcome a lifetime of negative self-talk.

 

But it is totally possible to get there. It's just going to take a little bit of work.

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You can do this. You know the relationship with MM is a dead end. Your marriage is probably one too.

 

Have you considered counseling? You have dealt with a lot of bad crap. If you can let it go and heal, you can move on from it. Tell yourself everyday, I love you.

 

If you come back to this thread, give us some of your best traits. Say something positive and nice about yourself. Hugs.

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I don't know if I will have ever have a regular life.

 

 

I was sexually molested by my uncles at age 9, called a saddist by a man who I really liked at age 17, dumped by a married man with whom I was completely involved at age 23, married in an "arranged" marriage at 25, a baby boy born at age 26, the baby was then diagonised with being on the autism spectrum when he was 3 and me 29.

 

 

And if all the above wasn't enough age 31 I get attracted to a friend, at age 33 sleep with him, 34 get pregnant with his baby which I abort alone as he does not want to do anything with me anymore and wants to be there with his neurologically issue ridden wife. I break off then and now again age 37 am back with him!

 

 

Through all this I have been through post natal depression, depression post the abortion and still some how managed to stay strong, smile and do well professionally.

 

 

And to the current problem in hand, I am once again being the person I am, open loving caring and forgiving and he is being who he is, giving me time when he can doing things the way he wants. I should leave. Why cant I? What am I so afraid of? I have no romantic relationship left with my husband and sometimes I think that's what I am afraid of..of never being in love and in a relationship.

 

 

Please guide me on how to get over this and move on. Is there truly someone who loves me just around the corner if I let go off this man? What do I do? Please give me some practical tips of how to just be free and happy and in love.

 

It seems you're dealing with a lot of deep seated traumas since you were a child, which is truly horrible and I can only imagine, and one doesn't ever get over it completely but I do think there are different levels of coping and right now it seems you're just going from man to man looking for love but without the proper tools you needed to address the traumas first. It's clearly spun into cycles of different dysfunctional relationships and I think your best bet is to begin by seeing a therapist to begin working some of these things out.

 

It's not not about finding a new man. I think finding a man isn't the issue as given whatever unresolved traumas you're dealing with you will likely only ever attract certain kinds of unavailable men or dysfunctional situations which perhaps prove your deep seated feeling that you're unlovable. I wish I could say it's simply finding a new man...it's not, as even wanting a man to love you, it's been an endless search based in those traumas that only replicate men who don't love you.

 

It's not like anything can erase what happened but I do thinking as you work through it and grow in different ways it might help you to attract different situations and men and make different choices.

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Sanitycheck

Such kindness! Thank you all for your notes. I have met a psychiatrist once and a counselor once. The counselor made me feel horrible about myself. Saying that I was blessed with a wonderful husband and should not be doing all this. She almost stopped short of labeling me a whore and my husband a saint. The psychiatrist was better but he was giving me medicines that made me feel uneasy physically. I am thinking of revisiting him without the medicines.

 

 

I was thinking on what one of you wrote - Come on this forum and tell us something nice about you. I thought over it and no I don't have anything completely good in me. I am a decent friend, mother, daughter, wife, sister. But in all these roles I am been dishonest at times and not given my whole. I probably am the best as an employee as I work hard and do my best. The rest as I said before is where I am not been completely honest. The possible only good thing about me is I am honest to myself, am strong and fairly intelligent.

 

 

Yes I must let go off my past otherwise that only something that I will keep attracting. I am going to tell the man in my life right now that I am moving on, but I will tell that to him face to face and not over text. I want to treat him the way I would have expected him to treat me if he was leaving.

 

 

Will keep all of you posted on the actions that I plan to take. Let me know if I am on the right path.

 

 

Thank you all for just being there. Much appreciated.

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amaysngrace

I don't think psychiatrists are best for counseling. That really isn't their main role. I suggest a psychotherapist, a talk therapist.

 

That counselor that you saw before sounds like an ass. I've never met one who sat in judgment of their patients.

 

I think she needs counseling.

 

Maybe see if you can find counseling through a Woman's Shelter. The woman I saw there was awesome and I still can't even believe it was free. But sometimes I think that's best because they try to address your issues rather than drag it out because it's a business. You should probably check it out.

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Sanitycheck

Thank you for your message..but I don't think we have this here in Asia..I will get help nevertheless and keep you all posted

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You have many strengths, OP :) (like your ability to stay strong in adversity, and your ability complete your professional duties despite difficult circumstances), but it sounds like the way you relate to men has left you feel empty and alone. :( You're certainly not the only person to face this, to some degree. In fact, I think most of the world struggles with relationships in one way or another, at some point in life.

 

The fact that you realize something's not right, and are searching for a change is one of the first, and most important steps. I think counseling is a great idea. I also think that true happiness, peace, and love is only found from knowing God. I pray that you will know that happiness, OP.

 

God bless. In Jesus' name.

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Sanitycheck

Yes indeed we must find our own peace..to update all of you..i have begun counseling..and more importantly I have begun to put everything on the table and not be afraid of sharing my feelings..i may be a mess but I am me and I am sincere..i have begun to accept me more..though there are still times when I am scared and my heart beats like it would burst out..i am largely happy and grateful..will keep updating you all..thank you for your support..and keep me in your wishes and prayers.

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You are going in right direction and just remember that You will be fine. It does take time but one day you will start loving yourself .And then it will not matter what happened in your past or how many obstacles you are facing or how messed up your life is. I mean of course you can never change your past but you will realize that your happiness lies inside you and your past does not and cannot make you unhappy , for happiness is a choice. Its up to you to repent or be sad for the past OR realize that You faced it all and You have survived it and Now its time to Live in the Present and make better choices, better life and happy you.

In this world everone has or had problems...some are struggling to get daily food, some dont have place to live, some have terrible diseases and are in pain, some have been cheated by their long significant other , some are in abusive relationship and some are rich , have everything and yet not happy and so on.. Happiness is something internal. If your minimal needs are met , I guess you should realize how lucky you are and be grateful to God for that. Be grateful to any person who has ever cared for you. Sometimes people will care about you sometimes not.sometimes you will get what you want and sometimes not.

 

But you should trust your own wings. You should trust yourself that you will be fine.Enjoy the good moments as they come and trust that you can face the difficult times.there will be a time when you have inner peace and no matter what comes or what you have gone through; they cant make you unhappy for you have chosen to be happy.You will love yourself and be confident in yourself and will make better choices for yourself and even if you got in a bad situation ; you will have enough strength to get out of it and will refuse to be in bad situation because You love yourself and you deserve happiness.

 

At the same time treat other people with kindness. Those who are good to you , be good to them. Those who arent just be indifferent .

 

Was typing through phone, so my post might not look so organized.Just wish you heal and find your happiness and find healthier you.

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I am tired so I am not going to read other replies although I am sure that they contain good advice. Here's my take.

 

Your power was taken away from you when you were molested as a child and you have felt powerless ever since. That is your normal. You can change that. It's not easy but it is very possible. I would advise IC for you first of all. Once you know better, you will do better. Work on yourself before even thinking about men or else you will attract the wrong kind. Become the quality kind of person that you would like to have in your life.

 

I send you big hugs, understanding (I can relate to the powerlessness due to childhood trauma), and the very best wishes. You need to take your power back, dear girl.

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Sanitycheck

I agree with you wholeheartedly and am working on being a quality person to attract the same in my life. Thank you.

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How do you feel about the counseling so far? How are you doing today?

 

What type of qualities do you find attractive in yourself and in others?

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I think you need to go to therapy to talk about these issues. You have a lot going on right now. Try to focus on the things in your life that bring you joy? Your son maybe? Does this other man bring you joy? If it doesn't give you joy than it is negative in your life so you need to cut it loose. This man abandoned you when you were pregnant so he needs to go.

 

History only repeats itself if we let it! You are the master of your own life. Choose wisely..choose to be strong and not allow people to hurt you. We teach people how to treat us so you need to teach people that you are to be respected! You can do it!!

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Sanitycheck

Its not like I am all ok..taking one step at a time..slowly..forgiving myself first..I feel better once I have spoken it all out and its there..and now its all about building oneself up..the thing I like in me and in others is kindness, forgiveness, love for life and being open and transparent..this is all work in progress and will keep all of you posted..in between I do feel sad and feel like its all just too much work..but most of the the times I am all about living my life openly and with complete honesty..i am done with all the lies and not being myself..i am focusing on being me and if people can accept that great..if not I am still me..will keep you all posted..thanks for all your support.

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...i am focusing on being me and if people can accept that great..if not I am still me..will keep you all posted..thanks for all your support.

 

This is great news OP. I am proud of you. It sounds like you are not just talking the talk but actually walking the walk. Anytime you feel like you need to talk, post here. LS has some pretty great members always willing to help you find the best possible way to improve your situation.

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