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couchcushion

Hello all,

 

I am a single OW, early 30s. My AP is married with a kid. We were together for 2 months before d-day. Then 4 months of almost no contact, and now it has resumed for a couple months, but with less frequent contact than before.

 

I know this needs to end. Most importantly (but among MANY other considerations), I cannot do this to the wife anymore. I cannot risk the pain it will cause if she finds out again. I'm also starting to feel like the affair is more about lust than love, though I do believe I love my AP.

 

Anyway, I need to end it. I feel I owe it to my AP to end it in person, but as many of you will realize, it's hard to end things in person. Ending it by text message feels so very, very wrong though.

 

The other complicating factor is that we will see each other at an event this coming weekend. It would be weird to end it and then see each other (run into each other) over the course of two days. I can't NOT go to the event.

 

I know there will be different opinions on this, but what would be the best way to end it, and should I at least wait until after the weekend? If you were a MM/MW, how would you want your AP to end it?

 

Just hoping someone might raise some good points that I haven't considered. Eventually I will have to make the decision on my own...

 

p.s. I once tried to end it by phone, and that failed miserably.

 

Thanks.

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Lurkeraspect

I don't think the medium matters as much as your commitment for this to be 100% over. You could make a half baked attempt no matter if it's in person, email, PM, or snail mail, and you're gonna fail every single time up to and until you've truly had enough.

 

You don't owe him any more than an I'm done, it's over, and never contact me again. You could even add the caveat that if he makes any attempt, they will all be forwared to his wife. That should do it, since he's had a dday, stayed and just taken you further underground.

 

But again, you've truly got to mean it and want to get off the ride. Don't forget to block and delete all forms of communication the two of you use.

 

Good luck.

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couchcushion

Thanks, Popsicle. We have never really communicated by email. I actually only have her work email address...I don't know if it's a good idea to send that kind of email to a work address. Also if I do it by email I think I will get too wordy, put too much thought into it, and just make things worse. But I will think about it.

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Thanks, Popsicle. We have never really communicated by email. I actually only have her work email address...I don't know if it's a good idea to send that kind of email to a work address. Also if I do it by email I think I will get too wordy, put too much thought into it, and just make things worse. But I will think about it.

 

Ask for his personal email. And the great thing about email is that you can edit them before sending and take your time. :)

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Everytime I told him we should not speak or see each other anymore, by phone, he would talk me out of it I would get weak and I would give in.so 5 days ago I decided I would text him a beautiful message to the point and I did it. he called me immediately , he was sobbing. I decided to answer that one time because I knew he would be hurting and he was. So we said goodbye on the phone. I've been a mess ever since.I've been depressed, crying, trying to keep busy but he consumes my every thought. I wish you luck this is going to be very hard.

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I think some clarity of boundaries should be addressed *before* this work event happens. In your AP'S mind this might be opportunity for a few drinks and a romp in the hotel room afterwards. Sure breaking things for good might make things awkward for this event however if you don't you might end up at square one again.

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Dark Passenger

Be honest, be gentle but firm. Let her ask some questions. Tell her you wish her well but know it's best for both of you to not have any more contact.

 

Then get on with your marriage.

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couchcushion

Thanks everyone. Hearing these responses is making the reality set in, and I'm getting cold feet.

 

Lurker, like countless OWs before me, I'm afraid I will make a half-baked attempt. Just like my one attempt by phone. I think part of me is postponing until I have some epiphany and just can't do it anymore, rather than doing it half-assed and just creating another roller coaster of drama and falling back into it. But every day I get more and more afraid of a second d-day (amongst other things), and I can't postpone much longer.

 

Farrah, what did you write? I'm not sure if I should make mine "beautiful" or just short but gentle ("we both knew this day would come. I'm so sorry. Goodbye x").

 

Dark Passenger, I'm not married. Just a single OW.

 

It goes without saying, but this is not going to be easy...

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Darren Steez

You're beginning to have empathy for what the wife is feeling, so that's good.

 

But another question, why be with a man who could do this to the woman he supposedly loves/is married to?

 

Put yourself in her shoes quite literally. Step out of them, then look yourself in the mirror. Where is this relationship going? Are you going to sneak bang forever? He's not leaving her. You ok with being his side piece?

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Thanks everyone. Hearing these responses is making the reality set in, and I'm getting cold feet.

 

Lurker, like countless OWs before me, I'm afraid I will make a half-baked attempt. Just like my one attempt by phone. I think part of me is postponing until I have some epiphany and just can't do it anymore, rather than doing it half-assed and just creating another roller coaster of drama and falling back into it. But every day I get more and more afraid of a second d-day (amongst other things), and I can't postpone much longer.

 

Farrah, what did you write? I'm not sure if I should make mine "beautiful" or just short but gentle ("we both knew this day would come. I'm so sorry. Goodbye x").

 

Dark Passenger, I'm not married. Just a single OW.

 

It goes without saying, but this is not going to be easy...

 

Your message needs to be functional, that all. Use text, say goodbye, then block. Done. There is no pretty way to do this. Doing what's right doesn't always feel that good. You don't have the luxuries of long goodbyes.

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SleekArchitecture

How do you end something properly, that was never anything to begin with? I have fought with this idea time and time again.

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I think your NC message should be short, sweet(but firm) and to the point. Sometimes we feel the need to over explain ourselves and it just falls on deaf ears. It sounds good to send some lovely, heart-felt good bye but the truth is men just aren't moved by that kind of stuff, he would just scroll over it and pick out the important info anyway...she is ending things. That's all he needs to know and truthfully that's all he wants to know.

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Thanks everyone. Hearing these responses is making the reality set in, and I'm getting cold feet.

 

Lurker, like countless OWs before me, I'm afraid I will make a half-baked attempt. Just like my one attempt by phone. I think part of me is postponing until I have some epiphany and just can't do it anymore, rather than doing it half-assed and just creating another roller coaster of drama and falling back into it. But every day I get more and more afraid of a second d-day (amongst other things), and I can't postpone much longer.

 

Farrah, what did you write? I'm not sure if I should make mine "beautiful" or just short but gentle ("we both knew this day would come. I'm so sorry. Goodbye x").

 

Dark Passenger, I'm not married. Just a single OW.

 

It goes without saying, but this is not going to be easy...

If you want, give me your email, ill send it to you, I dont want to post it. My situation may be different than yours though. I'll be happy to help

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Hello all,

 

I am a single OW, early 30s. My AP is married with a kid. We were together for 2 months before d-day. Then 4 months of almost no contact, and now it has resumed for a couple months, but with less frequent contact than before.

 

I know this needs to end. Most importantly (but among MANY other considerations), I cannot do this to the wife anymore. I cannot risk the pain it will cause if she finds out again. I'm also starting to feel like the affair is more about lust than love, though I do believe I love my AP.

 

Anyway, I need to end it. I feel I owe it to my AP to end it in person, but as many of you will realize, it's hard to end things in person. Ending it by text message feels so very, very wrong though.

 

The other complicating factor is that we will see each other at an event this coming weekend. It would be weird to end it and then see each other (run into each other) over the course of two days. I can't NOT go to the event.

 

I know there will be different opinions on this, but what would be the best way to end it, and should I at least wait until after the weekend? If you were a MM/MW, how would you want your AP to end it?

 

Just hoping someone might raise some good points that I haven't considered. Eventually I will have to make the decision on my own...

 

p.s. I once tried to end it by phone, and that failed miserably.

 

Thanks.

 

What's wrong with:

 

"

This R is no longer satisfying as you are incapable of giving me what I want - an honest R. Any further attempts to contact me will be forwarded to your W.

 

Regards,

Couchcushion

 

PS. Go **** yourself.

"

 

:)

 

Seriously...just be straight and to the point. Then delete all previous correspondence and block him.

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jellybean89

I think I / others are confused..is your affair with a woman or a man? Your second post said "her" but people are saying "him".

 

An affair is an affair..you don't sound comited to following through so attempting to end an affair without follow through will keep you in a vicious cycle.

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couchcushion

The affair is with a married woman. I am a single OW. You can figure it out ;)

 

I accidentally jumped the gun today and made an accidental total half-ass attempt to end it (I blurted it out spontaneously). It didn't go well; I feel terrible.

 

The saga will continue. I figure I will stop posting until I actually do something meaningful with follow through, because Jellybean, you are absolutely right that without the commitment to follow-through nothing will change.

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couchcushion
You're beginning to have empathy for what the wife is feeling, so that's good.

 

But another question, why be with a man who could do this to the woman he supposedly loves/is married to?

 

Put yourself in her shoes quite literally. Step out of them, then look yourself in the mirror. Where is this relationship going? Are you going to sneak bang forever? He's not leaving her. You ok with being his side piece?

 

Darren, I have asked myself that question many times. How can I have a future with someone who could lie and deceive like that? And yes, there is no future anyway, because they are not divorcing.

 

And ya, I can deal with my own pain, and maybe I could put up with being a side piece, but I can't put someone else through so much pain. The pain I felt after somone left me many years ago was indescribable and I didn't want to be alive for a couple years. To risk inflicting that on the BW (again) is just insane. This is my main motivation (among many others) for wanting to end this.

 

But yet I still love my AP and f*** is this ever hard. And I still have a ways to go.

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  • 8 months later...
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I finally did it. I blocked everything I could: text, phone calls, email. I just can't block my work phone, but it would be pretty ballsy to call my work number.

 

It's only been two days. Mornings suck but mostly I feel relief and anger, lots of anger...I know it will be a roller coaster though, with pain and hurt to follow.

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travelbug1996

Its good you finally put yourself first. Now you just have to move forward one day at a time and realizing that there's nothing special about being an OW.

 

Best wishes to you

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He's a bad person. You're doing the right thing. You'll feel better as long as you stick to this. It's like a bandaid. Let it heal.

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