Contemplating Resuming The Affair

[skylarblue]

I haven't been on this site in probably a year, and don't really know what I'm asking but here it goes.

 

I was with xMM for 7+ years. It ended 3yrs ago, but we remained friends talking or texting ocassionally. Last year we hooked up again and have two other times since then intimately, but not actually having sex. Last night (after our third hook up) I couldn't sleep and tossed and turned all night. I felt guilty afterwards the previously two times just because i had done that to his W again, but not to the extent that it bothered me this time. The difference is this time I felt bad for him not for her. He told me that he is still getting flack about dday and recently the snide comments have become more frequent and off the wall.

 

I find myself struggling with three things. The first is how awful I feel for him. I feel like it's my fault because I asked him to see me that night which caused dday, and now he is taking all the brunt of it and there's nothing I can do to help him. Second, I'm worried that this is some how the beginning of something worse. The things he has told me that she has said recently just seems, idk, different...angrier and more informed than she's previously been saying. For the first time, I'm genuinely and extremely worried that their marriage is in jeopardy and believe it or not, he's marriage ending is not something I want to see for him or for her. Third, and maybe contradictory, I'm starting to feel anger towards her for continuing to "harass" him even when nothing was going on between us for years. I know she has every right to be angry about the A and can understand her frustrations, as he refuses to talk about it or even admit it really, but after 3yrs I wish she would just give it a rest already. Since yesterday, I've been contemplating resuming the R full on although it's not something I truly feel I want or is best to do. In fact, I feel it would be extremely detrimental to me. I just feel like since she won't shut up then why not. I'm starting to feel like she somehow deserves it just because she won't put it to rest. And that he somehow deserves it (being able to have the A) because of the way she's been acting.

 

Although, I know it's wrong and all the consequences it will cause to everyone, I just can't shake the feeling. Maybe everything is just too new right now and I'm feeding off of emotions, but idk. I just feel so conflicted between my guilt and anger and can't understanding how or why I'm contemplating this over my obvious better judgement.

[DKT3]

Reason #176 of why you can't remain friends with your affair partner.

[Blu72]

I just don't even no where to begin to respond to this. I would just say go back and re-read your post as objectively as you can.

[Sub]

I know she has every right to be angry about the A and can understand her frustrations, as he refuses to talk about it or even admit it really, but after 3yrs I wish she would just give it a rest already.

 

Well, stop talking to her H, tell him to talk about it with her, and maybe she will. I just don't see how you can objectively feel bad for a guy who remains in a M yet refuses to do anything to make it better. Makes absolutely zero sense to me.

[scatterd]

Why be mad at her? he could be telling you what you need to hear to get you to cheat with him again. He probably did not give her the closer she needed to heal.Honestly if you both do this again he should be divorced how many times does she need to be the victim.Poor picked on married man that cheated on his wife and paid for it Is trying again. It can take up to five years to heal and that's depending on how its handled. Was he an open book or did he hide everything he does.She could have thought he was still doing it. You should count your blessings your not married to him.You fell for his plans and thinking about doing it again.It does not take much for you both to find a reason to do it again. If I was you I would run. Don't let him do this again you are better then that. Here is your chance to

get rid of your guilt.Good Luck

[minimariah]

I was with xMM for 7+ years. It ended 3yrs ago, but we remained friends talking or texting ocassionally.

 

just a small advice - if you decide to break it off again, go full NC. your A basically never ended, even if you didn't have sex in 3 or more years... the EA sure continued & eventually resulted in hooking up... again.

 

so - NC if you decide to break it all off.

 

For the first time, I'm genuinely and extremely worried that their marriage is in jeopardy and believe it or not, he's marriage ending is not something I want to see for him or for her.

 

his M is a charade & they're both staying for all the wrong reasons... it seems. it's just a matter of time when it falls apart, really.

 

I know she has every right to be angry about the A and can understand her frustrations, as he refuses to talk about it or even admit it really, but after 3yrs I wish she would just give it a rest already...

 

And that he somehow deserves it (being able to have the A) because of the way she's been acting.

 

oh, come on.

 

he never went full NC with you, had an affair that lasted for 7+ YEARS, remained friends, never admitted to having an A, gave her no answers & all of that tells me he didn't even bother to fix that piss poor excuse for a M. i assume he is staying for the kids & comfortable life? and then, on top of everything, he hooked up with you AGAIN.

 

she knows that, emotionally, he isn't present which is probably what makes her mad & angry and oh, well... he really had it coming.

 

i don't feel sorry for his W because it was her choice to stay but don't make him look like a victim in this entire story. if he is having it bad with his W, he should try admitting the A and actually communicating with his W, helping her to heal. but it's hard to do that when you don't care about that person.

 

...just feel so conflicted between my guilt and anger and can't understanding how or why I'm contemplating this over my obvious better judgement.

 

guilt i understand.

anger? it's coming from a different place; from a place where you're desperately looking for some kind of excuse to justify this A, because it's impossible that you actually, honestly think she's guilty of mistreating him... that would be absolutely ridiculous.

 

i mean... she can't fix that M all by herself - because clearly he doesn't want to. if he was completely honest with her, went NC with you & all of that stuff... and she STILL acted up? i would understand the anger. but in this case? naaaaaah.

 

they should probably divorce ASAP.

 

if you want him, go after him because like i already said... that M is over. you might do her a favor with a 2nd DD, because she might finally leave. the sooner she realizes that man has no interest in fixing their M & staying away from you, the better. so you're doing her a favor, really. as horrible as it sounds.

Edited March 2, 2015 by minimariah

[whichwayisup]

You're gonna do what you're gonna do, seems you're gonna go ahead with this affair again, but obviously you do have some reservations about it, otherwise you wouldn't be posting, you'd just have the affair.

 

I suggest you go back and read all your older threads, remember what pain you were in and ask yourself what will be different this time, what your expectations are, and the end game. Continue being the OW for many years knowing this man, as miserable as he's appeared to make himself be in your eyes, will still not divorce his wife. Or, realize that 3 years has gone by and it's best NOT to open that door again, rid of him once and for all, grieve the loss and move on, find someone else who can meet all your needs, not someone who has 2 marriages under his belt and many children. He is STILL the same man he was before.

[MissBee]

I haven't been on this site in probably a year, and don't really know what I'm asking but here it goes.

 

I was with xMM for 7+ years. It ended 3yrs ago, but we remained friends talking or texting occasionally. Last year we hooked up again and have two other times since then intimately, but not actually having sex. Last night (after our third hook up) I couldn't sleep and tossed and turned all night. I felt guilty afterwards the previously two times just because i had done that to his W again, but not to the extent that it bothered me this time. The difference is this time I felt bad for him not for her. He told me that he is still getting flack about dday and recently the snide comments have become more frequent and off the wall.

 

I find myself struggling with three things. The first is how awful I feel for him. I feel like it's my fault because I asked him to see me that night which caused dday, and now he is taking all the brunt of it and there's nothing I can do to help him. Second, I'm worried that this is some how the beginning of something worse. The things he has told me that she has said recently just seems, idk, different...angrier and more informed than she's previously been saying. For the first time, I'm genuinely and extremely worried that their marriage is in jeopardy and believe it or not, he's marriage ending is not something I want to see for him or for her. Third, and maybe contradictory, I'm starting to feel anger towards her for continuing to "harass" him even when nothing was going on between us for years. I know she has every right to be angry about the A and can understand her frustrations, as he refuses to talk about it or even admit it really, but after 3yrs I wish she would just give it a rest already. Since yesterday, I've been contemplating resuming the R full on although it's not something I truly feel I want or is best to do. In fact, I feel it would be extremely detrimental to me. I just feel like since she won't shut up then why not. I'm starting to feel like she somehow deserves it just because she won't put it to rest. And that he somehow deserves it (being able to have the A) because of the way she's been acting.

 

Although, I know it's wrong and all the consequences it will cause to everyone, I just can't shake the feeling. Maybe everything is just too new right now and I'm feeding off of emotions, but idk. I just feel so conflicted between my guilt and anger and can't understanding how or why I'm contemplating this over my obvious better judgement.

 

 

 

Maybe you should talk to someone professionally about this.

 

I see a lot of things that don't make sense to me here, so it seems to me like much of your feelings are displaced and irrational.

 

You ended the affair 3 years ago but have hooked up 3 times since, yet you're wondering why his wife won't "give it a rest." This seems totally insane to me. The affair did not actually end if you've continued communicating and have hooked up. It's not like MM is one of those WS's who ended the affair, is remorseful, has been transparent and has been diligently rebuilding, so how can she possibly give it a rest? I'm genuinely asking if for you this doesn't seem a bit unreasonable of you to expect?

 

BSs who have a WS who GENUINELY puts in the work to reconcile can eventually come to a point of "giving it a rest" through their spouse's continued support, transparency and honesty. If as you say he refuses to talk about it, still denies things and you two have hooked up three times since and have always communicated, I'm genuinely puzzled at the fact that you're making her seem unreasonable and like some nag with nothing to do rather than someone who is very much justified given the continued lies and uncooperative behavior on his part. She is still with a cheater...nothing has changed, so if his behavior has barely changed why should hers? He gets treated how he is acting, and right now he's being a jerk! MM is not some saint who is on his best behavior yet is getting undeserved flack, and it is puzzling to me that you seem to truly believe he's done no wrong and is undeserving of this. What do you think she should do? Treat him like a King because he deserves it? Why does he deserve that?

 

I get that you care for him hence feeling sorry for him, but from where I stand, there is nothing to be sorry for. MM is a grown man who chose to have an affair and chose to see you the day of DDAY, you asked, he did NOT have to oblige. DDAY wasn't the beginning of the affair but a the discovery of a series of HIS ongoing choices....sorry...but he isn't a victim of anything here so no need to make it seem that way and blame yourself.

 

How you can help him? Help him do what? This isn't a child trapped in an abusive household, this is a man cheating on his wife and is all upset and feels "harassed" because she won't give it a rest...although he has NEVER stopped communicating with his OW and has hooked up with her multiple times since ...come on skylar. I remember your story and nothing has changed and I'm sort of sad because I thought maybe you had moved on from MM and were living your life no longer excusing his every move that's why you weren't here. You had a 7 year affair...why go back for more? He can't possibly be that great. Why does he need to continue to be married if he wants to do that? His wife will never stop harassing him...so why put yourself in this triangle? If you don't want his marriage to end then the logical way to help is to block, delete and keep NC. If he wants to find an other OW, so be it...but at least you weren't the one who helped him.

 

You focus on his wife quite a lot but she's hardly the problem....the MM is...and I don't think things will make sense until you stop defending him and acting like he is being punished or wrongfully treated with suspicion when it is clear as day he is the one who is orchestrating his own fate. I think talking to someone professionally might help you to get at some more complex feelings and thoughts that may be coloring your thinking in terms of this situation. I don't care about him or her, they aren't the ones here asking for advice and you cannot control either of their actions, so my advice is focused on YOU and what you can do for yourself....not MM.

 

I meant to add: I read the thread title and expected to hear all this gushing stuff about how wonderful and in love and the one MM is and all of that and that's why you're going to go back...but you've not said even ONE positive thing about him or the relationship and why you would go back...it really just seems from what you've said that you're going to restart the affair to stick it to his wife because she "won't give it a rest." And that in it self signals a lot of problems and is a DEFINITE NO as to why you should go back. Living your life to stick it to someone else is a waste of your time and life. These two are wedded however unhappily and he hasn't changed it in a decade of the affair (and the 3 years of no NC with hookups interspersed counts to me as part of the affair), so leave them to it, you're not obligated to teach her lessons or fix him.

Edited March 2, 2015 by MissBee

[whichwayisup]

I'm starting to feel anger towards her for continuing to "harass" him even when nothing was going on between us for years.

 

It ended 3yrs ago, but we remained friends talking or texting occasionally. Last year we hooked up again and have two other times since then intimately, but not actually having sex. Last night (after our third hook up)

But you are STILL in his life and he's been lying to her. There IS something still going on, you two are not in NC mode, far from it during the past 3 years. She has every right to be angry at him. Besides he is gaslighting her making her feel crazy. I think your anger is misplaced.

[bathtub-row]

First of all, his wife is probably still pissed off because her husband has not cut off all contact with you. He may think she doesn't know it but she probably does. On some level, he's still not all there. Affairs are killers for trust and if she doesn't sense he's on board with things, that explains why she won't give it a rest.

 

Look, someday you're going to feel really dumb for completely siding with MM. You're hearing one side of things, his version. You honestly have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, or all the BS he tells her. The truth is, their marriage is none of your business. I used to feel this way about xMM but, you know what? He stays, he screwed up, it's his choice. I don't feel sorry for him at all.

 

If you get involved with your xMM again, you know you're going to regret it. It's a huge, huge mistake. Already, what you're doing with him is a mistake. It's just a matter of time before you're right back in the middle of it. How many more years of your life will you keep wasting on a man who's unavailable?

[waterwoman]

She won't be able to put it to rest until it's dead. And it clearly isn't and he is doing nothing to make it so or to help her heal.

[anika99]

Skylar I just had a brief look at some of your prior threads to get some background and it seems that you really do enjoy causing your MM's wife emotional grief. I only looked at one page of your prior posts and in those posts you spoke quite freely of how much you liked to cause her anguish and pain. Granted you did say that you didn't want the MM to actually leave his marriage for you or for his wife to get 100% proof of the affair but that you enjoyed doing things to torment her like leaving your hair in her house or moving things on her dresser to get her suspicious and worried.

 

 

It seems to be some twisted way that you get validation and ego strokes. It's sad that your self worth appears to be dependant on having a secret competition with this older lady. You should probably get therapy but if you're not going to why not pick on someone your own size. What I mean by that is that it's pretty easy for a 20 something or 30 something woman to win in the looks department if they are competing with a woman who is 20 years older. There are exceptions but for the most part the average 30 yr old woman is better looking and has a better figure than the average 50 yr old. You're not winning a competition that millions of other young women couldn't also win.

 

 

If you like competing with other women so much why not compete with some women your own age? Your MM's wife is in her 50's and has a bunch of kids which makes it highly difficult for her to just leave and start over again and you know that. You don't even want her to leave you just want her to suffer. Why? Why pick on this older lady who has done nothing to you? If you like to hurt other women so much why not play fair and at least go after women who are as young and unencumbered as you are?

[jellybean89]

I haven't been on this site in probably a year, and don't really know what I'm asking but here it goes.

 

I was with xMM for 7+ years. It ended 3yrs ago, but we remained friends talking or texting ocassionally. Last year we hooked up again and have two other times since then intimately, but not actually having sex. Last night (after our third hook up) I couldn't sleep and tossed and turned all night. I felt guilty afterwards the previously two times just because i had done that to his W again, but not to the extent that it bothered me this time. The difference is this time I felt bad for him not for her. He told me that he is still getting flack about dday and recently the snide comments have become more frequent and off the wall.

 

I find myself struggling with three things. The first is how awful I feel for him. I feel like it's my fault because I asked him to see me that night which caused dday, and now he is taking all the brunt of it and there's nothing I can do to help him **No, its his fault for having an affair. Second, I'm worried that this is some how the beginning of something worse. The things he has told me that she has said recently just seems, idk, different...angrier and more informed than she's previously been saying. For the first time, I'm genuinely and extremely worried that their marriage is in jeopardy and believe it or not, he's marriage ending is not something I want to see for him or for her. **You are going off of the word of a liar. Who knows what she has or hasn't said. He knows he is getting your sympathy so more than likely, he is emblishing things. Third, and maybe contradictory, I'm starting to feel anger towards her for continuing to "harass" him even when nothing was going on between us for years. **Yet you have hooked up with him at least 3 times. There HAS been something going on. You have remained in an emotional affair with him. I know she has every right to be angry about the A and can understand her frustrations, as he refuses to talk about it or even admit it really, but after 3yrs I wish she would just give it a rest already. Since yesterday, I've been contemplating resuming the R full on although it's not something I truly feel I want or is best to do. In fact, I feel it would be extremely detrimental to me. I just feel like since she won't shut up then why not. I'm starting to feel like she somehow deserves it just because she won't put it to rest. And that he somehow deserves it (being able to have the A) because of the way she's been acting.

 

**Skylar, you have always been in a competition with the wife. You have freely admitted it. You enjoyed screwing her husband behind her back, you enjoyed the drama and thrill of it all. I cannot believe you feel sorry for him -- he has lied to his wife repeatedly for 10 years, he has been gaslighting her for all those years and he is still getting sexual gratification from you (and probably others). It astounds me how far you had come, and how you so easily are willing to throw it all away to once again be the mistress. Blows my mind.

 

Although, I know it's wrong and all the consequences it will cause to everyone, I just can't shake the feeling. Maybe everything is just too new right now and I'm feeding off of emotions, but idk. I just feel so conflicted between my guilt and anger and can't understanding how or why I'm contemplating this over my obvious better judgement.

 

Above in bold...and you have no real idea of their home life. Your anger at her is truly messed up. SHE has done nothing to you. She finds out her spouse has had an ongoing affair - obviously not from him cause he is a liar and a cheat -- and then you give him sexual release and are aghast at how his wife doesn't trust him or believe him? Really?

[ladydesigner]

I haven't been on this site in probably a year, and don't really know what I'm asking but here it goes.

 

I was with xMM for 7+ years. It ended 3yrs ago, but we remained friends talking or texting ocassionally. Last year we hooked up again and have two other times since then intimately, but not actually having sex. Last night (after our third hook up) I couldn't sleep and tossed and turned all night. I felt guilty afterwards the previously two times just because i had done that to his W again, but not to the extent that it bothered me this time. The difference is this time I felt bad for him not for her. He told me that he is still getting flack about dday and recently the snide comments have become more frequent and off the wall.

 

I find myself struggling with three things. The first is how awful I feel for him. I feel like it's my fault because I asked him to see me that night which caused dday, and now he is taking all the brunt of it and there's nothing I can do to help him. Second, I'm worried that this is some how the beginning of something worse. The things he has told me that she has said recently just seems, idk, different...angrier and more informed than she's previously been saying. For the first time, I'm genuinely and extremely worried that their marriage is in jeopardy and believe it or not, he's marriage ending is not something I want to see for him or for her. Third, and maybe contradictory, I'm starting to feel anger towards her for continuing to "harass" him even when nothing was going on between us for years. I know she has every right to be angry about the A and can understand her frustrations, as he refuses to talk about it or even admit it really, but after 3yrs I wish she would just give it a rest already. Since yesterday, I've been contemplating resuming the R full on although it's not something I truly feel I want or is best to do. In fact, I feel it would be extremely detrimental to me. I just feel like since she won't shut up then why not. I'm starting to feel like she somehow deserves it just because she won't put it to rest. And that he somehow deserves it (being able to have the A) because of the way she's been acting.

 

Although, I know it's wrong and all the consequences it will cause to everyone, I just can't shake the feeling. Maybe everything is just too new right now and I'm feeding off of emotions, but idk. I just feel so conflicted between my guilt and anger and can't understanding how or why I'm contemplating this over my obvious better judgement.

 

 

Ha my WH will be lucky if I give it a rest. The BS has every right to harass him especially since he is still in contact with you. If he's had enough of the harassment he can leave.

[jellybean89]

Additionally for those who have no sympathy for the wife -- she doesn't even know the full extent of her husband's cheating because...he is s a liar! Does she know he got you pregnant and had you terminate the pregnancy? Does she know the affair went on for 7+ years? You have NO IDEA what she does or doesn't know. If he is like most cheaters, he minimized the affair, lied up and down and convinced her that this girl (skylar) had a crush on him and he tried to just be her friend. How often does a cheater come 100% clean to the spouse???

[Hardgrind]

Speaking as someone who was cheated on, the bull crap detectors on BS's become very finely tuned and are almost always on. You claim it ended 3 years ago, and in the same sentence said it was still going on. Texting and talking is a continuation of the affair, not an end to it.

 

 

I suspect she will give it a rest when

a) it really ends

b) she divorces him or

c) one of them dies

 

 

Just my opinion.

[minimariah]

Skylar I just had a brief look at some of your prior threads to get some background and it seems that you really do enjoy causing your MM's wife emotional grief.

 

after reading her previous posts, i would VERY strongly recommend IC.

 

super strongly. i see material & issues worth years of therapy, to be honest.

 

good luck to you, OP.

[skylarblue]

Thank you all for your responses. It really has helped me and I'm trying to put/keep things in perspective and stay objective.

 

First, I don't think he has a bad M even though he bitches about her. I never have thought that nor have I ever thought she was a bad W. I've always felt like he cheated simply because he was interested in being with me and the opportunity was there.

 

Maybe he doesn't deserve to be the "victim", but I still see him as such and I feel very much responsible for his situation. Maybe that has a lot to do with it. Also, it's just tough because I care about him (although not in love with him) and I feel like he's taking bullets for me even though ultimately he's protecting himself. Even though there's nothing I can do, I feel like I'm hanging him out to dry. I don't know how to shake that feeling.

 

IDK I guess I figure she tried to get answers. She's not going to get them so she should just move on and forget that it happened. I now see how illogical that is. Maybe some can do that but apparently she can't and that's not her fault. She deserves answers, but I know she's not going to get them ever, at least not honest ones. It may be erroneous, butI just feel for everyone's sake she just needs to drop it. I'm sorry to say but I just can't advise him to be honest either. I wish he could just fabricate something better. A situation that she can question, believe, and accept so she can have closure and he can have relief and they can get back to just being married. I understand how deceitful that thought is, but he just can't tell her the truth. I'm sorry, but he just can't. Not for my sake, but for his and maybe even hers.

 

Miss Bee you are right (in fact most, possibly all of what everyone has said is right) about how resuming the A is a way to stick it to the wife just because she hasn't healed and gotten through the A. In fact, the majority of the A my purpose had been to "stick it to her". I didn't necessarily think of it that way, but after reading that it your post I guess that really is what I'm doing. Exactly what I'm accustomed to doing. I don't even think she thinks he's still cheating on her. She just can't move pass because he won't give her the things she needs to deal with it. As illogical as it may seem, I still can't help feeling like an "innocent" man was/is being prosecuted because for more than 2yrs he wasn't cheating on her. I guess I'm angry because I feel like we did the right thing by ending it, but she's not doing her part by letting it be. Again, maybe illogical, but this is what I thought. And my typical vengeful side thought process is basically to give her something to grip about then. I realize it's wrong and it's something I'm trying to work through and not further entertain.

 

I genuinely don't want to re-enter the A. I don't even know why i got involved with him again those three times. I wasn't happy. I am a lot happier with my life without being in a R with him, so I really don't understand it other than it's a personality flaw of mine that I somehow have to always "even the score" in things.

 

Again, I really appreciate all the responses. Every one of them truly have been helpful and re-read multiple times in effort for me to try to keep things in perspective. I can see where and how I've went/have been going wrong with my thought process. I just hope am able to keep it and override what I'm so use to doing.

 

I just read a few other responses that I hadn't read when I started composing this post. I'd just like to say anika and jellybean, you are a 100% right about me being in my own little competition with her for a majority of the affair. Anika you are absolutely right about my words, my reasons, and my feelings and absolutely right that it was sick and twisted and i knew it while I was doing it. I absolutely stand by everything I said and did BUT that is not the way it was when I ended it. Nor has it been my thought process afterwards or the 3 times I had seen him (over the course of the past 10months). However, I don't dispute that that part of me may still exist, but it's not something I like about myself or am trying to exercise.

[Hope Shimmers]

IDK I guess I figure she tried to get answers. She's not going to get them so she should just move on and forget that it happened.

 

Put yourself in her shoes. If you were married to him and she was the one he was cheating with, do you think that is how you would feel?

 

You actually can't even imagine the depth of how hard that would be, because all you are is an affair partner - she is his wife, the one he lives with, has kids with, promised to love and cherish, etc. I'm sure you can't even imagine how you would feel in her shoes.

 

She deserves answers, but I know she's not going to get them ever, at least not honest ones. It may be erroneous, butI just feel for everyone's sake she just needs to drop it.

 

No - you feel that for YOUR sake, she just needs to drop it.

 

I'm sorry to say but I just can't advise him to be honest either. I wish he could just fabricate something better. A situation that she can question, believe, and accept so she can have closure and he can have relief and they can get back to just being married. I understand how deceitful that thought is, but he just can't tell her the truth. I'm sorry, but he just can't. Not for my sake, but for his and maybe even hers.

 

You can't be judge and jury for what is best for her (or them as a couple). You can say that you would like it better if he would just be a better liar and more efficient cheater, but you can't say that would help anyone but you.

 

Miss Bee you are right (in fact most, possibly all of what everyone has said is right) about how resuming the A is a way to stick it to the wife just because she hasn't healed and gotten through the A.

 

The previous posts were fantastic (especially Miss Bee's). You should heed everything that was said.

 

In fact, the majority of the A my purpose had been to "stick it to her". I didn't necessarily think of it that way, but after reading that it your post I guess that really is what I'm doing.

 

That is a signal that something within you is broken and needs fixing. You need to seek out IC (and I never say that - but you need it) to figure out why you need to 'compete' with this woman and 'stick it to her' when she did NOTHING to you. It is not a 'character flaw' - it is something seriously broken in you. Decent people aren't motivated by causing pain to innocent parties.

 

As illogical as it may seem, I still can't help feeling like an "innocent" man was/is being prosecuted because for more than 2yrs he wasn't cheating on her.

 

Not with you, anyway.

 

I guess I'm angry because I feel like we did the right thing by ending it, but she's not doing her part by letting it be.

 

But you didn't end it. You've been in constant contact. You have "hooked up". She is his wife. She's not stupid - of course she's going to sense that.

 

I genuinely don't want to re-enter the A. I don't even know why i got involved with him again those three times. I wasn't happy. I am a lot happier with my life without being in a R with him, so I really don't understand it other than it's a personality flaw of mine that I somehow have to always "even the score" in things.

 

As I said, it isn't a 'personality flaw' to seek out situations where your goal is to hurt other people. Something damaged is within you, and you need to fix it so that you can finally have a healthy future and relationship.

 

Good luck.

[minimariah]

First, I don't think he has a bad M even though he bitches about her. I never have thought that nor have I ever thought she was a bad W.

 

he has been cheating on her for nearly a decade & doesn't even care enough to give her answers or to put some effort into fixing the situation and you really think that their M isn't bad?

 

how does that make any sense to you?

 

IDK I guess I figure she tried to get answers.

 

it's not about the answers at all. it's about him not making any effort to fix his marriage & she knows and feels that. he doesn't even need to be honest, she clearly FEELS that he doesn't care for her or love her and i can bet he did nothing to redeem himself. he doesn't even care enough to make up a convincing lie.

 

She's not going to get them so she should just move on and forget that it happened.

 

interesting - in your earlier posts you said you wanted her to always know in her heart that he cheated. soooooo...... be careful what you wish for?

 

As illogical as it may seem, I still can't help feeling like an "innocent" man was/is being prosecuted because for more than 2yrs he wasn't cheating on her.

 

but he was cheating on her - it was an emotional affair this entire time. you never ended it and you're failing to realize that.

 

I guess I'm angry because I feel like we did the right thing by ending it, but she's not doing her part by letting it be.

 

you didn't do the right thing.

 

saying you did the right thing by ending the A is like me saying i did the right thing by taking a man i shot to the hospital. too little too late.

 

and she isn't letting it go because your MM isn't letting it go.

 

Again, maybe illogical, but this is what I thought.

 

it's not illogical, it's absolutely ridiculous. i'm struggling to follow your thought process here, i really am.

 

And my typical vengeful side thought process is basically to give her something to grip about then. I realize it's wrong and it's something I'm trying to work through and not further entertain.

 

so when are you starting your counseling?

[Sub]

It's all very confusing. The MM has been in contact with you. You've hooked up. Yet he's innocent because for two out of the10(?) years he's been married, he actually didn't cheat. I don't even know what you want her to get past, because you're simultaneously recognizing that your R with her H stills exists...but that you gave her what she wanted by ending it.....AND implying that she doesn't know about it. :confused:

 

Probably the most bizarre logic I've read on these boards, and I agree with those who say you need some IC. Because I don't think you have a firm grip on reality here.

[whichwayisup]

Please do counseling.

 

All this for a man you say you're not even in love with. It's like a game, a huge ego feed and you were fighting to win the prize. The thing is, he is NO prize at all! Everything you've posted here past and present shows what type of person he is.

[anika99]

Skylar if there is one thing I can say about you from reading this thread as well as reading some of your previous posts it's that you certainly are honest and forthcoming about who you are and what motivates you. I won't bother saying anymore about your reasons for wanting to resume this affair. It sounds like you are well aware that you are not being logical or reasonable.

 

 

 

 

I hope you don't restart the affair, not for the BW's sake, but for your own. Being the OW seems to have taken a toll on you and warped your thinking at least a little bit. The way to getting healthy is to leave this selfish using lying MM in your past and move onto a happier way of life.

[skylarblue]

I guess one thing that seems to differ is people's thought that we were in an emotional affair. I don't consider our friendship an emotional affair. We were FRIENDS. We talked or texted occasionally. Nothing romantic. Nothing different from any other friend I have that I talked to and not long drawn out conversation.

 

And this is neither some ego game. Have i been there, yes. Is that what this is, no. Believe me I would have no problem admitting that if it was. It's not. In fact, because of this thread I'm no longer thinking the A is a solution. So discussing it here was very helpful. I just wish people wouldn't get the wrong idea and not confuse who I was with where I am now. Things aren't quite the same even though in flashes they may appear to be as I try to sort through things.

[Hope Shimmers]

I guess one thing that seems to differ is people's thought that we were in an emotional affair. I don't consider our friendship an emotional affair. We were FRIENDS. We talked or texted occasionally. Nothing romantic. Nothing different from any other friend I have that I talked to and not long drawn out conversation.

 

You say you were 'friends', but it led to you 'meeting up' (and although you didn't provide details except that you didn't have sex, I'm guessing there was inappropriate physical interaction). So it wasn't just that you 'talked or texted occasionally'. It was a continuation of the emotions of the A which ultimately led to you considering it again, which you would not have done had you stripped him from your life completely.

 

That is not just 'friends'. Friends don't do that.