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Did I do the right thing?


somewanderersarelost

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somewanderersarelost

I've posted here a few times. I'll briefly tell my story again -- I am a guy who was seeing a guy in a long term, open relationship. I fell really hard for him, while he was able to separate sex from emotions. I had tried a few times to distance myself from him, but always ended up coming back. He never really took my feelings into consideration, but, when we were together, we would always have a great time. He is in my circle of friends, and it is hard for me to avoid him.

 

Anyway, my birthday was a few weeks ago and we had plans to go to an event together. I really wanted to see him before or after this event (to hang out), but he was making it clear we would only be doing the event and nothing else because of stuff going on in his life. I got upset because it was my birthday, and I wasn't getting what I wanted from him. Plus I had done a lot for him for his birthday. I got so upset that I told him if we weren't going to be able to hang out and be close before or after the event, then he should find someone else to take. He said "ok." That was it.

 

I saw him out last week and he wasn't very nice to me. It really upset me because I didn't really feel as though I did something wrong. I mean, I was the one who ended up having a crappy birthday. So, I wrote him an email just explaining that I deserve better than being looked at like I'm the jerk. He wrote back a pretty mean message saying that he didn't mean to hurt me but I've put him in this position. Since I am extremely pathetic, I wrote a reply apologizing for my actions on my birthday. (So pathetic, I know.)

 

He never replied. NC is now my only choice (by default). I just can't help but wonder if I did the right thing by handling this all the way that I did. Would it have been better if i I had just gone to the event and then tried NC in a nice way afterward? Or would that not have worked as well, since I've aleady tried that and gone back?

 

I guess I just hate that we're on such bad terms now. Is that the way things have to be? Specifically, could I have handled this situation better? I'm starting to feel guilty now, and I'm not sure that's entirely fair that I feel this way. I mean, shouldn't he be the one to feel bad?

 

Sorry this is so long, and that I'm rambling. I just feel really bad right now--confused, sad, upset, depressed, etc--and I'm just wondering if my saying "no" to the event was me saving me from myself or me just overreacting. Don't I deserve more than this?

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You do deserve more than this. Asking for what you need can be hard for some of us. And when we don't get what we need and even seem to lose what little we had in the process it can raise the kind of self doubt you're feeling. But you did the right thing and shouldn't falter. It seems likely that you are more invested in him than he is in you, and while that's a uniquely painful place to be, it needs to be faced and accepted. The right guy won't leave you feeing like anxious dirt.

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