When MM doesn't want you anymore

[I'mNotYours]

I'm feeling stuck again. My A was short term and ended because he wanted to work on his marriage. It wasn't dramatic and there weren't a d-day. But I kept breaking NC. We met a few times after that, but it was always me (besides one time), who tried to convince him to meet. He told me several time that we need to stop this, but I wasn't listening.

 

I was very much in love and I feel like I can't move on. I've dated other men, but in reality I'm just looking for someone like him.

 

I've broken NC a few times this year, and he just told me the same...that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, and I should move on. I get so upset and angry, when I hear that. It hurts so much! He says he's hurting too, but afterall it was his choice not to leave, so I don't feel sorry for him or believe him that much.

 

The hardest part is that he doesn't want me anymore. Yes, he was cake eating for a while, but in the end he did "the right thing". It just doesn't feel like the right thing for me.

 

I hate myself for breaking NC over and over again, and I hate reading stories in here, where MM can't leave their OW alone, even though I know it just prolongs the pain :-(

[Popsicle]

Believe him. It's not easy living a double life, you know? He probably does miss you but it wasn't right, and you have to let it go.

[Pretywoman]

I am just curious.. Even though you break the NC, he would still respond and meet you. This tells everything that he actually not willing to leave the relationship so soon. It is just because you initiate the contact that he responded. In long term he may use this reason to go against you.

I am in my 3rd months of NC. Recently I sent him a Lunar new year greetings via texts and e-greetings and nothing has come from him.

[I'mNotYours]

I am just curious.. Even though you break the NC, he would still respond and meet you. This tells everything that he actually not willing to leave the relationship so soon. It is just because you initiate the contact that he responded. In long term he may use this reason to go against you.

I am in my 3rd months of NC. Recently I sent him a Lunar new year greetings via texts and e-greetings and nothing has come from him.

 

He didn't always wanted to meet. Most of the time he would reply after a few texts but only to say that we can't continue this. He only broke NC once and I don't think he will do that again.

[sandylee1]

The best thing you can do is to take his advice and move on. Find an available man. One you don't have to sneak around to be with. You deserve better and his wife deserves a committed husband. Let him focus on his marriage.

[bathtub-row]

I know you don't want to do it, but you need to get a handle on your emotions. If you don't, he's going to end up hating you. I think you need to ask yourself why you continue pursuing a man who has made it clear to you that he doesn't want to be with you. Is it about your ego? Is it about control? Whatever it is, it can't be about love because, if you really loved him, you'd let him go.

 

What if a guy did this to you? You'd hate it, wouldn't you? Think about what your actions are saying about who you are and what you're made of. xMM would be more impressed with you if you'd let the relationship end, like he wants it to. And don't hang on every little word he says and think it means he wants you to chase him. He probably does care about you, but he doesn't want his marriage to end. You need to respect that and leave him alone.

[I'mNotYours]

I know you don't want to do it, but you need to get a handle on your emotions. If you don't, he's going to end up hating you. I think you need to ask yourself why you continue pursuing a man who has made it clear to you that he doesn't want to be with you. Is it about your ego? Is it about control? Whatever it is, it can't be about love because, if you really loved him, you'd let him go.

 

What if a guy did this to you? You'd hate it, wouldn't you? Think about what your actions are saying about who you are and what you're made of. xMM would be more impressed with you if you'd let the relationship end, like he wants it to. And don't hang on every little word he says and think it means he wants you to chase him. He probably does care about you, but he doesn't want his marriage to end. You need to respect that and leave him alone.

 

I have thought about this too. And yes, I would be annoyed. I feel very selfish and pathetic and a little bit psycho actually. I don't respect him and his wishes.

 

I'm having trouble letting men go. I cling to them, but they always leave. I loose control and I hate myself for it...and that's also what is happening here.

[Chasing_mya]

I'mNotYours, I'm posting this for you and will post it as a thread soon.

 

*Love doesn’t come with excuses. If someone wants to be with you they’re not going to create excuses about why they can’t. If someone wants to be with you, THEY ...WILL BE WITH YOU it’s that simple. Why are you sweating someone who’s BARLEY worried about you? Why are you losing your mind over somebody who’s BARLEY thinking about you? Why are you putting in your time on someone who BARELY has time for you? It’s pointless. You need to reevaluate your worth if you think BARELY is what you deserve! Straight up. If you can love “BARELY” that much, just imagine how GREAT it would feel to be with someone who wants you just as much as you want them. Stop wasting your life holding on to somebody who’s BARELY putting any effort to hold on to you. You’re putting your hope into someone you know will leave you hopeless. Think about that. They got your heart in a layaway that they're BARELY making payments on. They do JUST ENOUGH to give you hope. JUST ENOUGH to keep you holding on. They do just enough to keep you off the market so nobody else can see your value. Because they know if somebody else sees it then they'll lose you forever. They know they get by with BARELY, so that’s what they're giving you. Someone doesn't BARELY call you because they miss you, they do it because they're bored. Someone doesn’t BARELY spend time with you because they miss you, they only do it because they’re bored. I hope this hurts enough to make you change...You’re their last resort to save them from boredom. And you’re voluntarily placing your life on hold for that? For BARELY? When they ain’t making NO REAL effort to make you theirs? I'm telling you it isn't as hard to let go once you realize what you’re holding on to isn't REAL. And I’ll leave you with this, You can’t make somebody stay from where they wanna leave, and you can’t keep someone away from where they want to be. ‪#‎RehabTime

[Michelle ma Belle]

I have thought about this too. And yes, I would be annoyed. I feel very selfish and pathetic and a little bit psycho actually. I don't respect him and his wishes.

 

I'm having trouble letting men go. I cling to them, but they always leave. I loose control and I hate myself for it...and that's also what is happening here.

 

This says it all in my opinion.

 

If this is a pattern with you, married men or not, perhaps you need to seek out some professional help to help overcome whatever insecurities you have that cause you to be so needy. I'm willing to bet that once you work on some of your deeper issues you'll not only feel more empowered but will no longer look at men to complete you.

 

Good luck.

[I'mNotYours]

Thank you all for replying. It's very helpful and eye-opening.

[FusionCutter]

If you actually care for him, then cease contact. If you care for someone you don't want to add stress into their lives, right?

 

His staying away from you shows you the big picture where you stand with him.

[DKT3]

This says it all in my opinion.

 

If this is a pattern with you, married men or not, perhaps you need to seek out some professional help to help overcome whatever insecurities you have that cause you to be so needy. I'm willing to bet that once you work on some of your deeper issues you'll not only feel more empowered but will no longer look at men to complete you.

 

Good luck.

 

I was thinking the same as I saw that.

 

OP I think the problem is in the rejections and not so much the man himself. Its like you had an absent parent (most likely father).

 

Go talk to someone, maybe you can learn ways to overcome this.

[Lady2163]

This is the doubled edged sword of being the Other. After it is over, you are left alone, where the AP happily skips back home to the spouse and kids. It sucks and rejection sucks.

 

I am with everyone else, try not to contact him. In a way, you're kind of providing a landing pad for him if things don't work out at home, he has you "waiting in the wings".

 

I know it is tough. You're hurting and the one person who can make it better is the one person you can't talk to.

 

It will get better. Hang in there.

[I'mNotYours]

I sent him a goodbye-text saying I'm letting him go now and I wish him all the best. He replied that he will always care about me and also wished me the best. So this was goodbye. I HAVE to move on now even though it hurts so much...

[CrystalShine2011]

It'll get easier, I promise. Hang in there and stay busy.

[whichwayisup]

You have no choice but to respect his decision and leave him alone. It hurts and I'm sorry you're in pain but you need to accept it's over and not contact him. Don't hate yourself. Forgive yourself for falling for someone who is married.

[whichwayisup]

I have thought about this too. And yes, I would be annoyed. I feel very selfish and pathetic and a little bit psycho actually. I don't respect him and his wishes.

 

I'm having trouble letting men go. I cling to them, but they always leave. I loose control and I hate myself for it...and that's also what is happening here.

 

Counseling can help you have better coping skills so you can handle this in a healthier and non destructive way.

[bathtub-row]

I sent him a goodbye-text saying I'm letting him go now and I wish him all the best. He replied that he will always care about me and also wished me the best. So this was goodbye. I HAVE to move on now even though it hurts so much...

 

I'm proud of you for doing that!! Now you can walk away with dignity. I know it hurts but, in the long run, you're going to feel so much better about yourself.

[I'mNotYours]

I'm proud of you for doing that!! Now you can walk away with dignity. I know it hurts but, in the long run, you're going to feel so much better about yourself.

 

Thank you :-) It was actually your post here, which made me take the final step.

[GoldieLox]

I pretty much second what everyone else says. Dogs beg. You're not a dog. I'm sure you're a beautiful, smart, and talented woman. It's for the best, believe me. If you think you're hurt now, just imagine what it may feel like years down the road when he still won't leave his family, you're still competing for his time, and you're still hanging onto crumbs?

 

Go find someone who deserves all of you, and heed the advice given here... individual counseling would definitely help you.

[bathtub-row]

Thank you :-) It was actually your post here' date=' which made me take the final step.[/quote']

 

Thank you. You're still going to have bad days but I can promise you that you'll get past this, and you did the best you can do in this situation. It's always important to maintain your dignity in any situation and when we lose control of our emotions, losing dignity is very close behind.

 

I hope you'll be like me in the sense that I learned my lesson and will never, ever, ever get even remotely close to another married man again. I have never known the heartache like I've known from that experience. I will never go through it again. I hope you won't, either.

 

When you feel like you're about to crack, come back here and we'll knock some sense into you. Lol.

Edited February 27, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Josmatjes]

It's such an awful feeling to love someone and still have to let them go.

I know my mm still loves me and misses me....I've only seen him in a store twice in the past 4 months but the way we looked at each other spoke volumes. We both still love each other but we can't change our circumstances so we stay away from each other.

I will say its gotten a lot easier, still some bad days, but not as many.

 

Let him go and start counting the days and before you know it, you'll lose count and it will all be a memory....

[snl]

Please be strong and maintain NC. I can imagine how you feel but for your own health and happiness stay away from this. I am happy that you wrote "someone like him". This is great if you can detract from this man and find someone else with similar qualities but is available. My best wishes for you. Keep strong. You can do it

[snl]

I broke up 2 months ago. Our affair was about 8 months "only" and still think of her...but moved on enough not to dream and hope to get back with her despite many memory trigger. För you I hope you can go through this. If I could so can you.

[Mascara]

I can't believe you're still posting about this man. You had an affair with him for a couple of months TWO YEARS ago. Somebody needs to give you some *really* tough love, but it's not me because I do feel quite sorry for you. But look - what you've posted here is just a repeat of what you regularly post - "I miss him, I've contacted him, he's not interested, but it's ok, now I've got closure".

 

Yet, it never lasts. Why?

 

This is what I said to you six months ago. Please please get some help for this -

 

"You need to find ways of leaving this person behind, and counselling can probably help with that. You have a very real chance of putting this behind you at the moment, because the affair was very short lived. But if you don't address it, you're going to fall into a pattern that will last years if you allow it"