Affair coming to a turning point, need guidance

[alainbig]

Hello everyone,

 

I have been in a EA for the past 6 months and became a PA for the last 4 with a MW (well not technically married, but 15+ years and 3 kids, so commitment is just as serious).

 

Little back story, my AP has been thinking about leaving her boyfriend for the past 5-6 years (so way before i entered the picture), but was always afraid to, mostly because pf the kids. She even was ready to move a couple years back and canceled last minute.

 

On my side, I have been single for a little less than a year. We have known each other for the past 5 years. I always knew there was something underlying, but we never looked into it before this year.

 

Now, you will tell me that 6 months is short, but I can guarantee you then we both love each other, and that is genuine love, not passion born because of the affair. Its the first time in my life (im 37) that I feel something like this for someone.

 

When we started, it was clear from her perspective that it wouldn't become something more, as she had taken the decision to stay in for the kids till the end. She also knew that I wanted more but that I was fine with whatever she could give me.

 

Fast foward to 2-3 weeks ago, now the picture isn't so clear. Her situation at home is getting worse (related and unrelated to me) and she as been thinking of leaving. However she doesn't know and she will be if she does that and she thinks she would most likely need to break it off with me, at least for a time, to get back on her feet (which is totally normal).

 

Now I just don't know how to act. Should I act as usual, be there even more for her (which is hard, I am pretty much 100% already), give her space, talk to her about it (its a subject she as a lot of issues discussing with me, can understand why).

 

1 things if for sure, I won't break it off, but I also don't want to be selfish, so I want to do what best for her.

 

Anyone as ever been in that situation? How did you act and what was the outcome? Otherwise anyone as any opinion on this? (welcome to everything. I know very well that what we are doing is wrong, I and would never ever do that if I didn't think that being together was the best solution long term for both parties)

 

Thanks!

[Rainbowlove]

Hello everyone,

 

I have been in a EA for the past 6 months and became a PA for the last 4 with a MW (well not technically married, but 15+ years and 3 kids, so commitment is just as serious).

 

Little back story, my AP has been thinking about leaving her boyfriend for the past 5-6 years (so way before i entered the picture), but was always afraid to, mostly because pf the kids. She even was ready to move a couple years back and canceled last minute.

 

On my side, I have been single for a little less than a year. We have known each other for the past 5 years. I always knew there was something underlying, but we never looked into it before this year.

 

Now, you will tell me that 6 months is short, but I can guarantee you then we both love each other, and that is genuine love, not passion born because of the affair. Its the first time in my life (im 37) that I feel something like this for someone.

 

When we started, it was clear from her perspective that it wouldn't become something more, as she had taken the decision to stay in for the kids till the end. She also knew that I wanted more but that I was fine with whatever she could give me.

 

Fast foward to 2-3 weeks ago, now the picture isn't so clear. Her situation at home is getting worse (related and unrelated to me) and she as been thinking of leaving. However she doesn't know and she will be if she does that and she thinks she would most likely need to break it off with me, at least for a time, to get back on her feet (which is totally normal).

 

Now I just don't know how to act. Should I act as usual, be there even more for her (which is hard, I am pretty much 100% already), give her space, talk to her about it (its a subject she as a lot of issues discussing with me, can understand why).

 

1 things if for sure, I won't break it off, but I also don't want to be selfish, so I want to do what best for her.

 

Anyone as ever been in that situation? How did you act and what was the outcome? Otherwise anyone as any opinion on this? (welcome to everything. I know very well that what we are doing is wrong, I and would never ever do that if I didn't think that being together was the best solution long term for both parties)

 

Thanks!

 

If you love her, step back. Leave the door open for her to decide if/when she's ready.

 

Give her time to sort through her feelings, head and find herself.

 

She may love you, but the mess in her life right now needs to be sorted out first. She's not whole until she heals from the undoing of her life.

 

If she's not whole and fully healed, she's no good to you - just another broken woman who "needs" you to "fix" the situation.

 

Let her fix herself.

 

You can say, I love you and I'm here, but get strong and clarity for you, take your time.

 

If you can do that, in my opinion, that's love.

[alainbig]

thanks, that pretty much where I was going.

 

I also forgot to mention that she is an emotional roller coaster now, and seeing her like this is hard on me too.

[Rainbowlove]

thanks, that pretty much where I was going.

 

I also forgot to mention that she is an emotional roller coaster now, and seeing her like this is hard on me too.

 

Here's the thing, she may not be strong enough to let you go fearing she'll lose you...

 

I can guarantee you 100% the way you are going about it now will NOT work.

 

She should be on the roller coaster, her life is doing a 180. Regardless if she wants it, it's still hard as hell to let go of 15 years and 3 kids and a life.

 

She may start to wonder if it's all about you or if it's really about her and her unhappiness of her relationship with this other guy. In other words, are you the reason she's leaving? When you are surrounded by pain and chaos, it's hard to see really what's going on and doubts begin to creep in.

 

Of course it's hard on you, but your life isn't being uprooted to pieces.

 

Now you sit and wait and see what she does. That's the kindest thing you can do for her.

 

The situation is painful, I feel for you and her both.

[alainbig]

ok thanks.

 

I do believe she as to leave because she aint happy, and not for me. If im there after thats just a bonus. It the only way she won't regret leaving I think.

 

It does scare me to death to let her alone for a bit thought as I am afraid she will take the easy decision and put her kids first (i don't even think its the best for them, but i think she does) and stay in her unhappy relationship.

 

And if she does take that decision, she will more than likely decide that we can't continue foward and this is really not something I am ready to accept.

Edited February 23, 2015 by alainbig
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[Rainbowlove]

ok thanks.

 

I do believe she as to leave because she aint happy, and not for me. If im there after thats just a bonus. It the only way she won't regret leaving I think.

 

It does scare me to death to let her alone for a bit thought as I am afraid she will take the easy decision and put her kids first (i don't even think its the best for them, but i think she does) and stay in her unhappy relationship.

 

And if she does take that decision, she will more than likely decide that we can't continue foward and this is really not something I am ready to accept.

 

What's the alternative to this?

 

You hang on to her, she hangs on to you...she later does regret it and blame you. I'm there now. Not a fun seat to sit in.

 

She's wishy washy. She's not sure of the "right" thing to do for her.

 

It may be she decides to stay with him. She's in a tough spot. 3 kids, man. Geez. She put herself in that spot. Ya know?

 

If she was that unhappy, she should have left before you came along. I know, she probably didn't realize how unhappy she was until you came along...I get that too.

 

I understand your fear. It's real. You want her to choose the right path for her. If she's not clear, set her free.

 

Do it in a loving, supportive, kind way.

[alainbig]

I guess I still think the longer we keep this up, the more she will realized how unhappy she is at home.

 

She didn't leave prior because she is scared, that the only thing i can say. I don't know any couples of fight that bring them close to break-up every year for 6-7 years...

 

And like I said, I still believe long term the best path is to leave him. I can't believe its not affecting the kids and it will only get worse with time.

 

But I am biased as well. I guess I will take my courage and let her free till she realizes what she wants...

[Rainbowlove]

I guess I still think the longer we keep this up, the more she will realized how unhappy she is at home.

 

Don't be so sure. You are a distraction from the truth.

 

She didn't leave prior because she is scared

 

Wrong reason to stay. That's for her to get there - not you.

 

 

And like I said, I still believe long term the best path is to leave him. I can't believe its not affecting the kids and it will only get worse with time.

 

Again, her choice.

 

But I am biased as well. I guess I will take my courage and let her free till she realizes what she wants...

 

You are very biased. Good on you to even see that.

 

Surely others have opinions...hoping they chime in too.

[jbp005]

I went NC with my MW about 1 1/2 months ago. I knew her for over 4 years beforehand, she was married to my best friend. We were involved in affair for 4 months. I realized if you truly do care then walk away and let them figure it out on their own. It's only going to cause you pain and cause problems for her. I was fairly sure she was too scared and comfortable with the ways things were to leave. This was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, walk away from someone I was in love with. If she desires to be with you she will make it happen, she doesn't need you there to persuade her into it.

Edited February 23, 2015 by jbp005

[Biere123]

what does she want you to do? what does space mean?

[alainbig]

what does she want you to do? what does space mean?

 

She didn't ask me anything other than to understand why she is a bit hot and cold and a little more stressed out.

[Sassy Girl]

 

It does scare me to death to let her alone for a bit thought as I am afraid she will take the easy decision and put her kids first (i don't even think its the best for them, but i think she does) and stay in her unhappy relationship..

 

Hate to burst your bubble, but putting her kids before herself is the right thing to do. Sure, having an affair is crap and wrong and puts the family at risk anyway, but I will tell you as a MOW wih kids, my kids will always come first.

 

I remain in my unhappy marriage for them, because despite my husbands acknowledged shortcomings as a husband, he is a great father and my children love him endlessly, so I will not break up their family right now to follow my own wants and desires. For me, leaving would be the preferred option.... But The guilt would be too much for me to bear. So I stay.

 

And just quietly, you are not the best judge of what's right for her children, she is, so you need to keep out. Not your business.

 

Let her go. You will get your answer one way or the other. If she doesn't leave, know that she put her CHILDREN before you, and herself - not her husband. Which is right.

[alainbig]

Sassy just to be clear, I AGREE with everything you said. I am not the best judge as I stated before I am biased.

 

But I have a hard time thinking that it is good for the kids to see their parents fight frequently for the past 5-7 years (there is some better period of course, but it seems to get out of hand relatively frequently, if what she says is accurate).

 

I I never ever told her anything remotely close to leaving is the best options. Her path is her own and I respect that. I just stated it here to get a feeling of the community. All I tell her is I care about her and would like to have a relationship with her if she ever decide to leave.

[Rainbowlove]

Sassy just to be clear, I AGREE with everything you said. I am not the best judge as I stated before I am biased.

 

But I have a hard time thinking that it is good for the kids to see their parents fight frequently for the past 5-7 years (there is some better period of course, but it seems to get out of hand relatively frequently, if what she says is accurate).

 

I I never ever told her anything remotely close to leaving is the best options. Her path is her own and I respect that. I just stated it here to get a feeling of the community. All I tell her is I care about her and would like to have a relationship with her if she ever decide to leave.

 

Her kids, frankly, are no concern of yours. I don't mean that disrespectfully.

 

She needs to feel good about leaving them. She needs to get to a place of knowing whether or not you are there for her, whether or not you and her have a successful relationship, she will be okay ALONE!!

 

Can she financially support her kids alone? Can she care for 3 kids by herself?

 

These are real concerns. Her relationship with you is mostly fantasy. I say this because the two of you together are not doing the daily grind of work, kids, home, bills, life-stressors.

 

Are you prepared to be step-daddy to three kids? Are you prepared to be the "reason" in their eyes their family was split in two? Are you ready for all of that?

 

Just asking....

[Biere123]

FWIW, I disagree with SassyGirl. True, it is not your place to make the decision for her and you should put the kids first. Staying for the kids in an unhappy situation is absolutely the wrong thing to do. You teach them the wrong view of marriage and relationships. Research the topic, you will be surprised.

[Rainbowlove]

FWIW, I disagree with SassyGirl. True, it is not your place to make the decision for her and you should put the kids first. Staying for the kids in an unhappy situation is absolutely the wrong thing to do. You teach them the wrong view of marriage and relationships. Research the topic, you will be surprised.

 

I agree with the research, but telling that to a mother's heart are two different things...

 

The right thing to do?? Hard as hell if it means leaving three kids...or two kids or one kid...just hard.

 

Maybe part of her problem is this OP? Who knows?

 

She won't know and he won't know until he disappears for a bit...

[Biere123]

Absolutely hard. The tough questions she has to ask herself do have to come without him influencing.

[Rainbowlove]

I'd like to know how old the kids are?

[alainbig]

Her kids, frankly, are no concern of yours. I don't mean that disrespectfully.

 

Agreed. Thats why I never discuss this with her. I am however untitled to my opinion on the matter I guess (no offense taken FYI)

 

 

 

Can she financially support her kids alone? Can she care for 3 kids by herself?

 

She can as she had actually planned for it 5 years ago.

 

Are you prepared to be step-daddy to three kids? Are you prepared to be the "reason" in their eyes their family was split in two? Are you ready for all of that?

 

I am, otherwise I would be long gone.

 

Also, I don't think the reason I am the actual reason has she came really close before (won'T give all the detail, but she purchased a house to give you an idea). However, I might make her realized some stuff.

 

Kids are 12-10-9.

Edited February 23, 2015 by alainbig

[goodyblue]

Well, I was in a short affair with my guy before he left his ex. His kids were grown so it is not the same, but I never backed off, we stayed together through his leaving, the separation, his divorce, and have been together for some time now.

 

If he had asked me to back off I don't know what I would have done, probably ended it, but he needed my support through that major change in his life and I would not change a thing.

 

Everyone is different and my opinion is to follow your gut. Do what you think is best for both of you. Only you know your situation.

 

Good luck!

[Rainbowlove]

Agreed. Thats why I never discuss this with her. I am however untitled to my opinion on the matter I guess (no offense taken FYI)

 

 

 

 

 

She can as she had actually planned for it 5 years ago.

 

 

 

I am, otherwise I would be long gone.

 

Also, I don't think the reason I am the actual reason has she came really close before (won'T give all the detail, but she purchased a house to give you an idea). However, I might make her realized some stuff.

 

Kids are 12-10-9.

 

Well then, sit tight and see how it plays out.

 

She is likely to be all over the map emotionally.

 

Good luck.

[jellybean89]

Well, I was in a short affair with my guy before he left his ex. His kids were grown so it is not the same, but I never backed off, we stayed together through his leaving, the separation, his divorce, and have been together for some time now.

 

If he had asked me to back off I don't know what I would have done, probably ended it, but he needed my support through that major change in his life and I would not change a thing.

 

Everyone is different and my opinion is to follow your gut. Do what you think is best for both of you. Only you know your situation.

 

Good luck!

 

Yes, but you aren't the one with 2 kids leaving a marriage. Same as the OP, he has no clue what is going on in her head or how she as a mother feels. He can talk until he is blue in the face about how HE feels and what SHE should do...but he isn't her and he isn't a mom.

 

She hasn't left before; highly doubt she is leaving now.

 

I think you believe that if you step back, she will forget about you. For some reason, you feel the need to be up in her biz and showing her you want her. That isn't going to help her. If she loves you, the time apart won't be but a blip. But this is HER battle to fight, this is HER decision to be made and if you care about her, let HER do it (or not do it).

[alainbig]

Yes, but you aren't the one with 2 kids leaving a marriage. Same as the OP, he has no clue what is going on in her head or how she as a mother feels. He can talk until he is blue in the face about how HE feels and what SHE should do...but he isn't her and he isn't a mom.

 

She hasn't left before; highly doubt she is leaving now.

 

I think you believe that if you step back, she will forget about you. For some reason, you feel the need to be up in her biz and showing her you want her. That isn't going to help her. If she loves you, the time apart won't be but a blip. But this is HER battle to fight, this is HER decision to be made and if you care about her, let HER do it (or not do it).

 

I know its her battle, if you read in the first couple of post, I did say I was going to give her some space so she can figure out what she want. I do love her and do wants whats best for her, even if that is without me.

 

But obviously, I am also scared that I will loose her, which makes it so hard.

[goodyblue]

Yes, but you aren't the one with 2 kids leaving a marriage. Same as the OP, he has no clue what is going on in her head or how she as a mother feels. He can talk until he is blue in the face about how HE feels and what SHE should do...but he isn't her and he isn't a mom.

 

She hasn't left before; highly doubt she is leaving now.

 

I think you believe that if you step back, she will forget about you. For some reason, you feel the need to be up in her biz and showing her you want her. That isn't going to help her. If she loves you, the time apart won't be but a blip. But this is HER battle to fight, this is HER decision to be made and if you care about her, let HER do it (or not do it).

 

I am not necessarily disagreeing with you Jelly, which is why I said it was not the same situation. But I still think he should follow his gut.

[Mal78]

As long as you allow her to be indecisive, she will. This could go on, the you said "to the end".

 

Give her a date to make up her mind. Then back-off. Let her spin her wheels and come to her own conclusion.

 

By such and such day she is still teetering on a decision let her go (very hard to do). Tell her she could come find you when she has left, things are completely over and she has settled in. Meanwhile cut all communication and block her from texting/calling/email...ect

 

Good luck. You NEED to move on and not waste your life any longer.