It's over.. How do you live a 'new normal'?

[Mabelblue]

How do you live a new 'normal' after the A is over?

 

My A lasted 14 months with a guy i went to school with which makes it all the more harder for me as we had history and virtually identical childhoods. We are both married with children. I ended it in July as my husband found out about it and my xap told me he still wasn't sure. It had to end there. He panicked and had the perfect opportunity to tell her.. But didn't. But of course after 2 weeks I couldn't handle the severance, I felt like I couldn't breath or function without him and I was weak. He had become very close and knew me well. seemingly better than anyone else. It started again after lots of emails from him apologising for his reaction and how he regretted it and I believed him. Id ignored his emails at first but it felt like unfinished business.. Two weeks later I responded to an email and it started again. We were 'soul mates' after all (!!)

 

Since July plans were made and futures planned. I fell for it although my gut told me to be wary as he was always sensitive to how people (esp her family) perceived him. He was going to tell her at the end of Feb (after Christmas and due to the fact one of her family members passed away) and move into a friends house to slowly introduce himself into my home with my children. He told her on 12th Feb but the admission backfired and he now can't leave because of his children. His wife has asked him to please stay for the children (she's very needy) and he can't cope with being hated.. I know that. He told me he doesn't know if he has a 'relationship' with her, but they are taking it one day at a time for the sake of the children. I guess he changed his mind or couldn't handle seeing her upset. Maybe he hasn't told her but has used the excuse to have a clean cut from me (I told him end of Feb or that's it as I'd waited over a year) However, her FB has changed and she's removed all of her pics so I'm guessing he's told her. He wanted to meet me to tell me but we spoke on the phone instead. He was NOT going to see me cry again! That was 13th Feb.. We've had NC since.

 

14 months feels like an eternity. He's been on my mind every second and believe me I've felt every stroke of the clock. We were intimate but sometimes we'd meet just to go for a walk or go for a meal. Sex wasn't the priority on our agenda, we just wanted to be with each other - like magnets. We spoke about how we should have met when we were younger and how it 'should have been'. He wanted to prove to me that he wasn't just after a fling and for sex.. I believed him as I didn't want that either. I didn't want an affair.

 

We emailed, texted and spoke to each other as much as we could and I'd constantly be checking my phone for any time he could give me. But it was torturous. Sitting on the subs bench while he was at home or at work was awful. I've never felt jealously like it. His life had the veneer of being perfect with rich in-laws who helped them out financially and with childcare etc.. He was always leaned on and stressed so I'm guessing now I was a refreshing change. The polar opposite of his wife. I fantasy life he'd like with me.

 

Since reading the posts on here it seems as though our A followed a pattern. How ironic to think that my dream could could true when it now was just a fantasy on both parts. How I wish I'd seen this site before now. But I'm in pain.

 

My husband knows what happened (up to july) but I've distanced myself from him to the extent that I don't know if I can take him back after what I've done to him. Why should he be the conciliation prize.. That's not fare to him? He's moved out. It was part of the plan that my XAp knew about and he watched me systematically destroy my life and family. My H is a loving kind man that i took for granted in the pursuit of what I thought I wanted. Someone who I thought was better, who would be a friend that knew me 100% from our childhood, who knew my deceased mother and she adored him. I thought we were cut from the same cloth but the reality now is very different after I've woken from the affair fog. How can my husband and I build a new future when I thought it would be with someone else? My XAp talked graphically of what we would do to the house, our finances, cars, holidays and building a future that now it's hard to move on now the rug has been pulled from under me. It must have been a fantasy but it's hard to wake up from it and build a new normal!

 

I'm so confused and hurt that my xap had over a year to decide about the children but at the end of the day he couldn't carry it through even if he had the intention of leaving, he just couldn't do it. Maybe he was weak but he is now at home with her, not me. I am not longer needed or wanted. He said he loved her as a sister but wanted to be with me. Only a few days before D-Day he was all guns blazing to leave and now this.

 

Im checked my phone to see if he has contacted me like he did last time, but there's been nothing. I was in control last time but this time he made the decision and that stings as it went further and I was completely emotionally invested. It's not that I want it to start again but I just want to know that he misses me and that the time we shared at least meant something. I really don't know what to do from here.. My heart is shattered and I feel a fool. Statistics prove that affairs rarely work.. I just wish that I'd known that before instead of believing what I thought would be. 'When you know better, you do better' I wish I could tell that to my heart.

 

I'm feeling every emotion there is. If I could rewind time I would have never have started this whole thing. I've hurt my H. I don't know where to go from here...

[privategal]

You will go forward. You will go through the withdrawal process first you will cry and feel, but you will progress.

You've gotta take away hope by blocking email and phone and I would SHUT down fb. You can't handle it and you dont need to know what they're posting. You can temporarily disable account. Do that.

Enroll in counseling for emotional support.

He isn't going to leave comfort of the life he built.

He has it all, built in childcare, financial backing.

The reality came crashing and he is staying.

Give yourself time, in a few weeks you may feel at least like you can breath.

I cried so much and it helped.

Start healing now. Its over, it hurts, its very sad but the quicker you accept at least that the quicker you can start to rebuild.

Your in the worst critical phase now, Im sorry. But contacting him wont help.

Be strong in that. He made a CHOICE. Its the risk in all A's and now you need to let him go and focus on you. Hugs. So sorry you will find many here who can relate. Keep reading.

[Ruffian1]

You start by being strong. Be on your own for a good while. As far as your BS, leave him alone, you don't love him. Don't play with his heart because things didn't go the way you thought it would.

 

 

Your MM will be back, sniffing around to see if he can start A back up most likely.

 

 

What will you do if that happens? Or , , if you never hear from him again?

 

 

What do you want for your life now?

 

 

Think about it.

[Josmatjes]

I'm so sorry.

It's truly awful what we go through. I'm 9 months since dday and 7 weeks no contact.

I have good days and bad. My affair also completely destroyed me.., took a part of me I'll ever get back. I still think of him , some days more than others. I loved him and gave him my heart. He even has a tattoo he got for me. It kills me everyday but I know that if something is meant to be than it will be.

You need to focus on you and healing yourself right now.

I read this site and I see a councilor and I just take it one day at a time....

 

Remember who you were before....delete his number, I know it hurts but you have too!!

 

((hugs))

[Mabelblue]

Thanks guys..

I have so many unanswered questions that I know will remain so. I will not contact him and will not reply if he does contact me, I've learnt that much from past experience and from listening to what I've read on this forum! My FB has been temp closed down for a while (but I had a sneaky look the other day) and I've blocked his number. Following your advice I've just deleted my email app too. Hope is a painful thing to give up. It's loaded with cruelty in affairs.

 

It's sounds cliche I know, but he told me things about his life that he never told his wife. He had an abusive childhood at home and was bullied at school but didn't tell her or her family as it wouldn't have fitted in with the character he'd created for himself. His in-laws would have looked down at him for that. He wouldn't have been perfect then.. or so he felt. There are numerous other things that she didn't know about him which I know he was relieved he could tell me about. 'Nobody knows me like you do' he used to say. It still plays on my mind. How can he go back to a marriage like that? It's non of my business I know but I wasn't enough for him at the end of the day and it hurts. You're right 'privategal' that he has it all and is comfortable.. Well almost comfortable. I know I'm having a pity party with myself but it sucks to thing that living under a charade to please others is better than being with me. Go figure!

[Josmatjes]

Thanks guys..

I have so many unanswered questions that I know will remain so. I will not contact him and will not reply if he does contact me, I've learnt that much from past experience and from listening to what I've read on this forum! My FB has been temp closed down for a while (but I had a sneaky look the other day) and I've blocked his number. Following your advice I've just deleted my email app too. Hope is a painful thing to give up. It's loaded with cruelty in affairs.

 

It's sounds cliche I know, but he told me things about his life that he never told his wife. He had an abusive childhood at home and was bullied at school but didn't tell her or her family as it wouldn't have fitted in with the character he'd created for himself. His in-laws would have looked down at him for that. He wouldn't have been perfect then.. or so he felt. There are numerous other things that she didn't know about him which I know he was relieved he could tell me about. 'Nobody knows me like you do' he used to say. It still plays on my mind. How can he go back to a marriage like that? It's non of my business I know but I wasn't enough for him at the end of the day and it hurts. You're right 'privategal' that he has it all and is comfortable.. Well almost comfortable. I know I'm having a pity party with myself but it sucks to thing that living under a charade to please others is better than being with me. Go figure!

 

I feel the same as you.my mm told me that he was finally himself with me. His wife would belittle him a lot, I witnessed it. I truly felt myself with him also for the first time in my life and I miss him terribly.

I'm nc but I'm still miserable but I pretend I'm okay for my kids sake.it sucks!

[DKT3]

Honestly, he followed the how to seduce a married woman playbook word for word. He is, and was always full of s h I t.

 

This doesn't help you today, but it will in the near future. Its doubtful his marriage was anything close to as bad as he lead you to think. He played the woe is me role to get close to you.

 

As has been said, he will be back.

 

Also as said, leave your husband alone. Let him heal and move on so that he can find some who loves him.

[Mabelblue]

As I've mentioned we grew up together and it hurts to think he 'played' me. I'll never know. I was attracted to the familiarity of our roots and he even took me to see his mum who I've known for years. She knows about the A and we talked about it and our plans. He's not that little boy anymore though is he.

 

His profession IS renound for having affairs and I was always quietly suspicious of his 'partner' who he used to tell me would be all over him if they went out on a work's night out. Who knows if I was the first (although he promised he'd never been unfaithful before) or if I'll be the last?

 

We live in the same town so I'm praying that I'll never bump into him and esp if he's with his family. Our children are the same age so the potential is high! My friend who's been fantastic says I had a lucky escape with him. In time I'll see things more clearly.. I'm too raw at the moment.

[GoldieLox]

His profession IS renound for having affairs and I was always quietly suspicious of his 'partner' who he used to tell me would be all over him if they went out on a work's night out. Who knows if I was the first (although he promised he'd never been unfaithful before) or if I'll be the last?

 

Well with that right there I can figure out what his profession is. I wish you had PM's because you and I have a few things in common. Anyway, I digress. Mabel, you should continue leaving your husband alone as you said. You have to really dig deep and ask yourself if your marriage is repairable, and if your husband would even want reconciliation. As for your AP, you said he did end up telling his wife last week, so I don't know if you necessarily got "played".... I just think you were a lot more certain about this than he was, he probably got cold feet, and now he's using his kids as a convenient reason not to leave. What better a reason than kids?

 

Get into counseling, it helps, and just try to keep your head up. It will get better over time.

Edited February 22, 2015 by GoldieLox

[Mabelblue]

Today was my first posting so I'm not sure if PM is an option ?

[GoldieLox]

Today was my first posting so I'm not sure if PM is an option ?

 

Nah, it takes a while. Just keep your head up and keep posting here. You'll find a lot of good advice and support here. I sympathize with you wholly. Hugs.

[jellybean89]

How do you live a new 'normal' after the A is over?

 

My A lasted 14 months with a guy i went to school with which makes it all the more harder for me as we had history and virtually identical childhoods. We are both married with children. I ended it in July as my husband found out about it and my xap told me he still wasn't sure. It had to end there. He panicked and had the perfect opportunity to tell her.. But didn't. But of course after 2 weeks I couldn't handle the severance, I felt like I couldn't breath or function without him and I was weak. He had become very close and knew me well. seemingly better than anyone else. It started again after lots of emails from him apologising for his reaction and how he regretted it and I believed him. Id ignored his emails at first but it felt like unfinished business.. Two weeks later I responded to an email and it started again. We were 'soul mates' after all (!!)

 

Since July plans were made and futures planned. I fell for it although my gut told me to be wary as he was always sensitive to how people (esp her family) perceived him. He was going to tell her at the end of Feb (after Christmas and due to the fact one of her family members passed away) and move into a friends house to slowly introduce himself into my home with my children. He told her on 12th Feb but the admission backfired and he now can't leave because of his children. His wife has asked him to please stay for the children (she's very needy) and he can't cope with being hated.. I know that. He told me he doesn't know if he has a 'relationship' with her, but they are taking it one day at a time for the sake of the children. I guess he changed his mind or couldn't handle seeing her upset. Maybe he hasn't told her but has used the excuse to have a clean cut from me (I told him end of Feb or that's it as I'd waited over a year) However, her FB has changed and she's removed all of her pics so I'm guessing he's told her. He wanted to meet me to tell me but we spoke on the phone instead. He was NOT going to see me cry again! That was 13th Feb.. We've had NC since.

 

14 months feels like an eternity. He's been on my mind every second and believe me I've felt every stroke of the clock. We were intimate but sometimes we'd meet just to go for a walk or go for a meal. Sex wasn't the priority on our agenda, we just wanted to be with each other - like magnets. We spoke about how we should have met when we were younger and how it 'should have been'. He wanted to prove to me that he wasn't just after a fling and for sex.. I believed him as I didn't want that either. I didn't want an affair.

 

We emailed, texted and spoke to each other as much as we could and I'd constantly be checking my phone for any time he could give me. But it was torturous. Sitting on the subs bench while he was at home or at work was awful. I've never felt jealously like it. His life had the veneer of being perfect with rich in-laws who helped them out financially and with childcare etc.. He was always leaned on and stressed so I'm guessing now I was a refreshing change. The polar opposite of his wife. I fantasy life he'd like with me.

 

Since reading the posts on here it seems as though our A followed a pattern. How ironic to think that my dream could could true when it now was just a fantasy on both parts. How I wish I'd seen this site before now. But I'm in pain.

 

My husband knows what happened (up to july) but I've distanced myself from him to the extent that I don't know if I can take him back after what I've done to him. Why should he be the conciliation prize.. That's not fare to him? He's moved out. It was part of the plan that my XAp knew about and he watched me systematically destroy my life and family. My H is a loving kind man that i took for granted in the pursuit of what I thought I wanted. Someone who I thought was better, who would be a friend that knew me 100% from our childhood, who knew my deceased mother and she adored him. I thought we were cut from the same cloth but the reality now is very different after I've woken from the affair fog. How can my husband and I build a new future when I thought it would be with someone else? My XAp talked graphically of what we would do to the house, our finances, cars, holidays and building a future that now it's hard to move on now the rug has been pulled from under me. It must have been a fantasy but it's hard to wake up from it and build a new normal!

 

I'm so confused and hurt that my xap had over a year to decide about the children but at the end of the day he couldn't carry it through even if he had the intention of leaving, he just couldn't do it. Maybe he was weak but he is now at home with her, not me. I am not longer needed or wanted. He said he loved her as a sister but wanted to be with me. Only a few days before D-Day he was all guns blazing to leave and now this.

 

Im checked my phone to see if he has contacted me like he did last time, but there's been nothing. I was in control last time but this time he made the decision and that stings as it went further and I was completely emotionally invested. It's not that I want it to start again but I just want to know that he misses me and that the time we shared at least meant something. I really don't know what to do from here.. My heart is shattered and I feel a fool. Statistics prove that affairs rarely work.. I just wish that I'd known that before instead of believing what I thought would be. 'When you know better, you do better' I wish I could tell that to my heart.

 

I'm feeling every emotion there is. If I could rewind time I would have never have started this whole thing. I've hurt my H. I don't know where to go from here...

 

You really believe some guy you went to school with, years ago, and who you knew in an affair setting really knew you better than your H, the man you dated and then married? If so, why haven't you been open with your H? You claim the cheater knew you 100% ...how is that even possible with a childhood friend? He doesn't know you as an ADULT - except for what he knows about you with regards to being in an affair. It seems so many people in an affair re-write their marital history (no communication, doesn't know you, no sexual attraction, etc). I always wonder why people got married to someone they don't seem to have even liked, nor loved. I highly doubt his wife didn't know the things he claims she didn't. Again, they dated, they had a romance, they planned a wedding, had children and planned a future. Yet he wants you to believe he never spoke to her about his past, his life. I don't believe him.

 

So if you and the xMM had chosen to give it a go, back in school, you do realize your kids wouldn't be who they are right? You may have had kids with him, but they wouldn't be the kids you have now. Is it that easy to wish them away? You willingly imploded your life and family for a guy you knew in school however many years ago. A guy who fed you line after line, excuse after excuse...and yet you are still wanting to be with him? That's what I don't get.

 

Many couples engage in hysterical bonding after the revelation of an affair...and he has chosen to stay with this "wife he loves like a sister" .... I am betting there is hysterical bonding going on. I am betting too that he didn't tell her the truth about you. I am betting he minimized your affair and made it seem like it was more you into him than him into you

 

Are you saying he was going to leave previously - even though he knew it would hurt his kids - yet after he allegedly told his wife he was leaving, he decided to stay 'for the kids'? He sure uses his kids as an excuse for his crappy behavior, doesn't he? You stated you had it all planned ...laying low for maybe some time and then bringing him into your home and the home of your children. Did you think they would be okay with this? Did you think they would accept him as a replacement dad?

 

You claim his wife is needy, yet you are checking your phone constantly, couldn't stay away from him, felt like you couldn't breath or function after it ended in July and after 2 weeks, got right back into an affair. He told you he wasn't even sure he wanted to be with you - and yet you took him back knowing that. You chose to be in an affair with him for 14 months.

 

Don't give your H false hope. Let him go. You clearly don't love him and he would be 2nd choice for you. I hope he is dating; but I am betting he doesn't feel like he can trust a woman after his wife cheated on him...and continued to cheat on him (but he doesn't know that). Let him go. No marriage is perfect - every relationship has times of hurt and frustration. You made the decision to hook up with a childhood friend. You deceived the man you promised to be loyal to, be honest with and who trusted you. You don't seem to regret the pain you have caused him and the pain your children are dealing with.

 

You need to seek some counseling to figure out what is broken inside you that allowed you to do what you did. To figure out why you risked the happiness of your children, their security for a guy who was married. Try to get to the root of what is going on within you that you were okay with hurting your family - AND YOURSELF. You have lost YOU in all this and your kids need you to find you again.

[Mabelblue]

Thanks for your reply jellybean89 I'll take a lot of what you've said onboard as that's why I came into this site. However, saying I wished my kids away is below the belt.

 

Also, I'm NOT wanting to be with him as I've learnt my lesson.. Very much so! I was a complete fool to have believed him second time around, I was delusional and he was enjoying the chase im sure. I'll pay for that. So will the rest of my family, Im well aware of that. I'm not checking my phone constantly, he's blocked and that's the way it's staying. I'm under no illusion that they're not having hysterical bonding right now, as painful as that feels. I'm sure he's downplayed what happened and he'll have to live with that too. He made a choice and Im sure I'm not even a blip on his radar now. I do however completely agree with your last statement. I DO need to figure out what's broken inside of me to have put everything on the line for someone I really didn't know. It's a good point which I will work on.

[Lady2163]

You remind me that in some ways ending an affair is still a lot like ending any relationship. You do have to rewrite your life, how you spend your free time and sometimes your friends. We change our lives subtly and slowly and forget how it used to be before the person.

 

My advice....

 

If you do not truly love your husband, if you can't look at him and comitt to the fact this is the only man you will sleep with or have that deep emotional connection with FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, do not attempt reconciliation just because he is nice, kind and the father of your children. I got back with my ex husband twice because of outside pressure. The second time I went back I did have a five year plan of leaving the marriage, but blessedly only made it about two years. It was total agony.

 

Next, do everything you possibly can to keep him from contacting you. You've started that process. I had a kind of stalker ex boyfriend and it took a little over a year after I ended things, but I shut down Facebook, changed my email and the biggie....I moved and bought a new car all in the same week. I firmly believed contact was all on me and all my choice. That made a huge difference.

 

I am a former OW and I know how much energy, both physical and mental we put into this relationship. And I can guess how much mental energy you are using now that it has ended. It is so hard not to obsess.

 

This is the time to focus on what is next for you and your children. Will you eventually be forced to move if your husband is no longer in the picture? Start the downsiIng process now...plan a tag sale or start posting thing on a local for sale site (Craigslist, local Facebook buy and sells). Kids clothes are always popular. Not only do you earn some extra money, but it can be a great time killer. People always have questions, people setting up meeting times and/or places.

 

I don't know where you are financially, but as you enter this uneasy time of transition and rewriting your schedule, this is a good time to try and go to the gym. If you can make that part of your new normal, the long term benefits are great.

 

Good luck you you....you can do this. It will get easier, I promise.

[soundsfamilar]

Hi Mabelblue,

 

 

I haven't posted in this forum in a long time, but your post made me want to reply. I just wanted to tell you that I am going through the exact same thing. The EXACT. SAME. THING. I am just ahead of you by four weeks...

 

 

After 2 years and 3 months of a very emotional affair, my xMM and I had arrived at the conclusion that he would finally leave his wife. This came after three breakups of our affair, which never lasted, because he couldn't make himself stay away. After professing his love for me and making plans for 2015, I was there five weeks ago when he told his wife. Over the phone, not ideal, kind of a reflex to a question she asked. He just blurted it out.

 

 

I heard him say in very clear words and very convincingly: "I have fallen in love with another woman. I tried to change that, but I couldn't. It's stronger than me." When she replied that she would fight for the marriage, he said "What's there to fight for?"

 

 

Fast forward a few hours in our hotel room (where he had come to be with me, not knowing that he would say something to her that day) and he was a blubbering mess on the bathroom floor, crying like a child about "what he had done". I consoled him and realized, slowly as the dawn broke, he would not leave. He said that "love is not enough", that it is not stronger than the fear he feels.

 

 

I cannot even tell you the emotions that came with this realization. I was devastated. We had been "together" if you can call it that for about 12 hours. Then we were done again. I know from prior breakups (which all at the time seemed final, too) that he always doubted his decision of breaking it off with me, felt lonely and wondered if he made the right choice. He always tried to hang on... and I let him. After breakup #3, when we got back in touch, he said "Let's face it: I love you. You know it and I know it."

 

 

 

 

Still, he went back. His daughter (18 and an only child) had a massive breakdown about him breaking up their family and hurting her mother. She was there (unfortunately) when he told the wife, so I heard her sobs through the phone. He couldn't handle it.

 

 

Since then he deleted me from FB and Whats App and also deleted the email account he used to communicate with me. I, like you, wonder every day if the love was ever really there, but I go back to when we were apart before and remember how he later confessed his pain about our separation. So I choose to remember that and not go down the path of feeling unloved and unworthy. If anyone was unworthy, it was him.

 

 

He was also someone from near my childhood home. We didn't know each other as kids, but we bonded over our similar backgrounds, both in culture and geography. He felt like the man made for me, but he was not.

 

 

What I can almost 100% guarantee you, Mabelblue, is that your MM has not just forgotten you. He now told his wife (as has mine) and he is probably in a special kind of hell. He just couldn't stand hurting the people he is supposed to take care of. Happens in these cases all the time... but we always think our own relationship will be different, special, don't we?

 

 

And they were special, but not in a forever way. I am now 5 weeks into losing him and I miss him, I am raw and torn to pieces. But what I don't miss is the pain that I felt during his constant back and forth over the last years. I look forward to being free of it one day soon. And you too will be. Let your anger over being treated like this get the better of you... anger helps in this case! And please know that you are not alone...

[Mabelblue]

soundsfamiliar .. Thanks for your post. I sincerely appreciate you sharing your story with me. I'm sorry for the experience you went through. 2 years and 3 months is a long time.. 14 months was long enough for me, I was sinking in a sea of jealousy and uncertainty. I'm guessing that if my xMM had actually left he'd have been a wreck too. I'm glad it never got that far to be honest. It must have crushed you to witness.

 

Although I'm heartbroken (and feel rejected) I'm also relieved that im not hanging around for the scraps of time I would hungrily wait for. It's ridiculous now looking back, I didn't recognise myself but I was smitten and in love with him. It was like coming home when we talked. If he was a girlfriend we'd have been best friends on the phone for hours. That's how it felt. I think because we grew up in a tight knit community it added to the attraction between us.

 

I'd like to think he's missing me, but maybe he's now wrapped up with his wife and going through a hysterical bonding phase as someone mentioned to me earlier (I had to look it up). I'll never know. I'm trying not to think of it to be honest. What I do know was his fear was greater than his love for me..as it was with your xMM. I know he was always concerned about his reputation at work and with his in-laws. I should have seen the signs ealier I guess. I've been reading a MM perspective today about how he felt for his xOW as recommended on a different thread. I'm not sure how to link it but search for threads started by HBMM. You may have read it before but it's made me see things clearer today. I think it sums my xMM up. Yours too perhaps.

 

I have to admit I loved him but overall the affair made me miserable 80% of the time for many reasons. It was an emotional roller coaster I wanted to get off. I lost myself and my lust for life started to fade. I'm looking forward to getting me back.. eventually.

 

Could I ask how your emotions have changed since your D-Day?

 

Look after yourself

[soundsfamilar]

Hi Mabelblue,

 

My emotions haven't changed all that much, but I do feel anger towards him, because he put me through the absolute worst situation I could think of (in this scenario). He wanted to leave, he told her, and then he pulled a total 180 and deleted me from his life. It's a crazy-making thing to happen, and to say that it threw me off my balance completely is an understatement.

 

I try to hold on to the anger and the disgust I feel by his betrayal, of both me AND the wife. As my therapist said: "This is a man who doesn't know himself." You can't be happy with someone so prone to vacillation and indecision. I doubt his wife will ever be happy, truly happy, with him either. She never expected him to cheat (he has the reputation of being dependable, a rock, a family man) and now that idea went down the drain. Truly, what he is is an immature little boy, who never learned how to understand his own feelings. He thinks he can mentally control them and doesn't grasp the fact that life is coming to bite him in the 'you know what'. He doesn't learn. He tries to mold reality to the expectations others have of him. And i do believe he is a very lonely person, trying to do "the right thing" and denying himself any truth.

 

This is what I see now, after 2+ years of witnessing his pattern and listening to his words. I feel almost sorry for him, but then I stop myself and realize it is his responsibility to figure himself out. What I do know is: I'll never forgive him. The last incident was the last straw. I cannot ever put myself in that position again, because I would begin to lose ALL trust in ALL people. To have someone promise you commitment and then toss you to the curb is the worst… and in this way I understand how the wife feels, too. But when all is said and done, I believe we are allowed, as human beings, to make choices… even after marriage… and sometimes those choices hurt. It's only when we are total cowards about those choices, that we create falseness instead of truth.

[soundsfamilar]

Oh, and one more thing: I think that "hysterical bonding" thing is a myth in relationships that have gone that far down the path of disconnect. If he was in love with you, any bonding at home is probably half-hearted at best. Please don't think they are in some happy, crazy love-making kind of state of mind. She just found out he loved someone else! That would put a massive damper on things for me, if I were her. They are probably experiencing more hurt and conflict than ever before. To quote my therapist again, who also counsels couples dealing with infidelity: "They are in hell."

 

Not that I wish your MM or mine hell… but I'm asking you to be realistic and stop fantasizing about the great life they have. That's just your hurt self/heart/ego making up stories. If it makes you feel any better: I had a missed call on my phone two days ago, from my xMM's home number. I assume it was from the wife. Who knows what she wanted, but I texted him to put a stop to it. Never heard back, but I don't care. I was angry more than anything. Then my best friend said: "Well… you were worried that you were completely deleted… clearly, after five weeks you're still very much at the forefront of what's happening with them. Now take that, use it to feel validated. It's not egotistical, it helps with the healing. And shut that book and be done."

 

She's a wise friend...

Edited February 24, 2015 by soundsfamilar

[Mabelblue]

Wow.. Our stories ARE similar. I'll never be 100% that he's actually told her though. He was emailing me the day he apparantly told her and never mentioned what was going on. Our phone d-day conversation was at the same time he would have been driving to work (I could hear him driving, stop and get out of the car) Something was fishy about his story. The only clue I have that she knows is that her pictures have been removed from FB. Not that it really matters if she knows or not.. he's still made the choice.

 

He also lives his life around what is expected of him. That too is up to him now.

 

I wish I could be angry.. maybe it's too soon at the moment. I'm sure as hell disappointed with him. I told him that! I just don't understand why he contacted me again and dragged it on for another six months. My fault for allowing it, I'm as much to blame. That's why I feel a fool. As Maya Angelou said 'When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.'

 

They are both too scared to leave the marriage for whatever reasons and I'm steering well clear. My friend thinks it'll be tough for him and he'll perhaps co tact me again.. I hope not. I'm

a recovering addict. (In this situation)

 

Thanks for your post. It's really helping me. ❤️

[Mabelblue]

*his story was fishy as he told me he'd had the day off to talk to his wife. She would have been at home so it's weird he was driving when he could have just gone into another room or sat in the car to talk to me. Again.. doesn't really matter now. It's over.

[DKT3]

Wow.. Our stories ARE similar. I'll never be 100% that he's actually told her though. He was emailing me the day he apparantly told her and never mentioned what was going on. Our phone d-day conversation was at the same time he would have been driving to work (I could hear him driving, stop and get out of the car) Something was fishy about his story. The only clue I have that she knows is that her pictures have been removed from FB. Not that it really matters if she knows or not.. he's still made the choice.

 

He also lives his life around what is expected of him. That too is up to him now.

 

I wish I could be angry.. maybe it's too soon at the moment. I'm sure as hell disappointed with him. I told him that! I just don't understand why he contacted me again and dragged it on for another six months. My fault for allowing it, I'm as much to blame. That's why I feel a fool. As Maya Angelou said 'When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.'

 

They are both too scared to leave the marriage for whatever reasons and I'm steering well clear. My friend thinks it'll be tough for him and he'll perhaps co tact me again.. I hope not. I'm

a recovering addict. (In this situation)

 

Thanks for your post. It's really helping me. ❤️

 

Odd comments since you are neither being honest with or leaving your husband.

[Mabelblue]

My husband and I separated last year and he moved out. We don't have a future due to what I've done and my feelings towards the A. Even if I wanted that (which he's said he like to try again) I'd have to tell him the complete story (as from July) so my marriage is not an option. Maybe down the line I'll tell him but once he's moved on. My children are settled seeing him regularly, they need to come first.

[Lady2163]

Yikes! If you and your husband divorce, trust me, there is NO need to,give him the gory details of the affair. If you ever did some things to make him crazy and the affair was the reason, you might clarify those, but only if he asks.

 

From my experience, often men don't want all the details like women do.

[road]

My husband and I separated last year and he moved out. We don't have a future due to what I've done and my feelings towards the A. Even if I wanted that (which he's said he like to try again) I'd have to tell him the complete story (as from July) so my marriage is not an option. Maybe down the line I'll tell him but once he's moved on. My children are settled seeing him regularly, they need to come first.

 

 

Your OM used you. He said whatever he needed to say to keep you putting out. He played lets get divorced. He encouraged you to dump your BH. All the while saying he was working on dumping his BW. Which was just lies to you.

 

 

You will not try with your BH again because you chose to not be honest with him and give him the full truth.

 

 

Also as long as you pine for your OM and stay separated from your BH. Your feelings for your BH will not return.

 

 

You claim to care for your kids. So I have to ask.

 

 

Is there a better situation then to have kids raised in a home with both parents loving each other?

 

 

Marriages can be recovered. However you will not get the support in this section to get the tools to save your marriage. Only support will be to have pity parties. Go to the infidelity section and ask for help.

[Mabelblue]

Thanks for your email road.. Certainly straight talking from you but it's wasn't as clinical as you make it sound. The only reason I mentioned my H was to clarify another persons comment as they thought I was still with my H.

 

I'm not here to ask advice about my marriage.. I've been on here as I'm only day 12 into NC with my xMM and I'm finding extrememly hard. I'm sure you know what that feels like if you're on this thread too.