Anger Towards AP

[Rainbowlove]

I didn't know where to put this, so I'm placing it here.

 

I find this forum much more supportive to the OW/AP experience than the Infidelity forum.

 

Looking for insight.

 

I see so many written threads with anger towards OM/OW/AP, but I haven't experienced one ounce of anger towards my AP at all.

 

That is...not until now.

 

I'm angry with her and I have to say, it feels kind of good. I've been moping around blaming myself for ending the affair. I've been feeling like a lousy person for leaving her behind. I've been blaming myself for the end of her marriage, for her coming out later in life, for her having to leave the Mormon church...

 

But...those were her choices, not mine.

 

She chose to divorce her gay husband, b/c he's gay...but also because she's gay.

 

She chose to be part of the Mormon church her whole life. I did not choose her god for her.

 

Why did I waste 15 months feeling bad about this?

 

I own my part. What I did was wrong. I made my choices in the affair. She made her choices in the affair.

 

She wants to blame me for where her life is now. I do not blame her for where my life is now. I did this to me. I did this to my marriage - not her.

 

Now, after 15 months I'm finally angry with her. For expecting me to leave my son, who was at the time, 2.5 years old.

 

She was a mother of 5. Could she have walked away from one of her babies at that age? I never asked her. Why? Because I knew the answer was NO.

 

So why could she expect that of me? Why would she ask that of me? Why would she then call me awful names for ending the affair and returning to my family and son.

 

Maybe I'll get bashed for this post. I'm not normally an angry person, but I'm sick and I'm on steroids. They are bringing out some real raw emotions that feel freeing in a way.

 

I'm finally mad with her. 15 months later. I'm finally mad. Is this a good sign? Is this the final step to healing for me?

 

God I hope so.

[OverIt75]

Hi Rainbow...I don't post much but have read many of your threads on LS. I find them insightful and they've helped me, even if I haven't responded.

 

However, this...the anger...struck a chord within me!

 

I have been feeling anger towards my xAP. Anger that he pursued me so heavily, even after I refused him, knowing I was married, knowing of my young children, knowing that as his direct subordinate, this would go to hell in a hand-basket.

 

I am angry that I've paid all the prices for this - I no longer have a job, I fight for my marriage every day, I suffer pain from many angles, I have a husband who I made miserable through my actions. Has ANY of this happened to him? No.

 

I made all the sacrifices. Funny, when I look back, that pretty much characterizes our entire relationship.

 

I'll take anger over any warm memories, pining, imagining the what-ifs. But as angry as I am at him, I have just as much anger towards myself.

[Josmatjes]

Well, you always tell me that I need to go full throttle through these emotions. You have to feel it all and anger is one of them.

With that said, I believe everything happens in life for a reason, we learn from everything if we are open to it.

You actually helped her be true to herself which in turn is healthier for her kids.

She may have said things out of anger because their are so many raw emotions flying around in affairs. Probably because it's a secret and you can't talk to anyone about it.

She probably wasn't even thinking straight when she said those things to you. Let it go.

I hear in your voice that you miss her. It's okay to miss her, and maybe your more angry that sometimes life is unfair!

But remember you need to be true to yourself too....

You always give me great advice I hope I helped you((( hugs)))

[whichwayisup]

I think this is great. Another step, maybe a missed step that should have happened in the past but now is here.

 

You are completely right, you are only responsible for your own choices, you didn't force her to do anything - She made her own decisions and she has no right to put all the blame on you about where she is now in life. She's a grown woman, an adult! She seems very selfish and above it all, like she is perfect and you came along and ruined her life, changed everything. She was living a lie to begin with and because of her own choices, things are the way they are.

[Rainbowlove]

Hi Rainbow...I don't post much but have read many of your threads on LS. I find them insightful and they've helped me, even if I haven't responded.

 

However, this...the anger...struck a chord within me!

 

I have been feeling anger towards my xAP. Anger that he pursued me so heavily, even after I refused him, knowing I was married, knowing of my young children, knowing that as his direct subordinate, this would go to hell in a hand-basket.

 

I am angry that I've paid all the prices for this - I no longer have a job, I fight for my marriage every day, I suffer pain from many angles, I have a husband who I made miserable through my actions. Has ANY of this happened to him? No.

 

I made all the sacrifices. Funny, when I look back, that pretty much characterizes our entire relationship.

 

I'll take anger over any warm memories, pining, imagining the what-ifs. But as angry as I am at him, I have just as much anger towards myself.

 

I get it. She is justified in her anger, as you are, as am I.

 

We all make choices. We chose the affair. I chose it. She chose it. You chose it. He chose it.

 

I've paid a price in my affair. My heart has been heavy. My marriage barely recognizable. My son, now 4, still asks if I'm always going to be home with him b/c during my affair, I left.

 

Everyone pays for it. All parties involved.

 

But I hear you, the anger feels better than feeling lousy.

 

UGH. Thanks for your comment.

[Rainbowlove]

I think this is great. Another step, maybe a missed step that should have happened in the past but now is here.

 

You are completely right, you are only responsible for your own choices, you didn't force her to do anything - She made her own decisions and she has no right to put all the blame on you about where she is now in life. She's a grown woman, an adult! She seems very selfish and above it all, like she is perfect and you came along and ruined her life, changed everything. She was living a lie to begin with and because of her own choices, things are the way they are.

 

Thank you. You are so SPOT ON!!!

 

I'm ANGRY!!! AMEN!!!

[nikki76]

Maybe this is your final step in the grieving process.

 

For me, its so much easier to feel anger toward my xAP than any other feelings.

 

Hopefully, this anger will allow you to finally let go and you can move on.

[Jessie1231]

Mine wasn't an affair, but I went through these stages with my last break up too. I always thought it sounded silly to say that break ups cause you to go through the grieving process, but it's true. I was so sad at first and never thought I would feel happy again. Then I was so so angry. I mean it was an anger that made me miss being sad. Then finally I realized it was really gone. Sometimes I'm still a little angry about it, but nothing at all like before. I wanted to physically hurt my ex for a while.

 

So good luck. This too shall pass. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

[OverIt75]

I also meant to reply to your comments, instead of making it all about me!

 

There is one thing about an affair - you are two adults, each making your own decisions. Sure, there may be situations where one is somewhat manipulated or perceives a lesser amount of control. But by definition, an "affair" is CHOSEN. And I think, when two adults choose an affair, those two adults are choosing the consequences of the affair. And every choice made along the way is made by THAT PERSON, unless of course someone held a gun to his/her head.

 

The least she could do at this point is to OWN her part in the deal. My anger is for different reasons than yours. Neither myself nor my xAP blamed the other for what we did. We each kind of sucked it up. All that guilt she is loading onto your shoulders...let it roll off. You are trying to make the best decisions for you, and someone in a truly selfless relationship would be able to see that. Besides, she's a grown woman.

 

Now...I'm looking forward to that next milestone...INDIFFERENCE.

 

My best to you.

 

I didn't know where to put this, so I'm placing it here.

 

I find this forum much more supportive to the OW/AP experience than the Infidelity forum.

 

Looking for insight.

 

I see so many written threads with anger towards OM/OW/AP, but I haven't experienced one ounce of anger towards my AP at all.

 

That is...not until now.

 

I'm angry with her and I have to say, it feels kind of good. I've been moping around blaming myself for ending the affair. I've been feeling like a lousy person for leaving her behind. I've been blaming myself for the end of her marriage, for her coming out later in life, for her having to leave the Mormon church...

 

But...those were her choices, not mine.

 

She chose to divorce her gay husband, b/c he's gay...but also because she's gay.

 

She chose to be part of the Mormon church her whole life. I did not choose her god for her.

 

Why did I waste 15 months feeling bad about this?

 

I own my part. What I did was wrong. I made my choices in the affair. She made her choices in the affair.

 

She wants to blame me for where her life is now. I do not blame her for where my life is now. I did this to me. I did this to my marriage - not her.

 

Now, after 15 months I'm finally angry with her. For expecting me to leave my son, who was at the time, 2.5 years old.

 

She was a mother of 5. Could she have walked away from one of her babies at that age? I never asked her. Why? Because I knew the answer was NO.

 

So why could she expect that of me? Why would she ask that of me? Why would she then call me awful names for ending the affair and returning to my family and son.

 

Maybe I'll get bashed for this post. I'm not normally an angry person, but I'm sick and I'm on steroids. They are bringing out some real raw emotions that feel freeing in a way.

 

I'm finally mad with her. 15 months later. I'm finally mad. Is this a good sign? Is this the final step to healing for me?

 

God I hope so.

[nikki76]

Hope you dont mind me asking, but how long was your affair?

 

I'm only 2 months NC. It seems like forever to me. I'm sure it wil be many more months or possibly even years for me to stop feeling anger and hate, especially towards myself.

[GoldieLox]

I'm glad you're angry, because I think it's only natural. I enjoy reading your posts because they're always so full of wisdom. Unfortunately, I don't have any for you this time, only a hug. I spent months being angry at my xMM, and it felt wonderful. Then we had a conversation that changed everything, and my anger instantly dissipated. Now I feel only sadness, and let me tell you, I'd rather go back to feeling angry.

 

All I can tell you is to feel it thoroughly. I used to sometimes go for car rides and yell at the top of my lungs to get it all out. You owned your half of the affair, but you also ended it because you felt it was the right choice for all involved. Don't ever blame yourself for that.

[Rainbowlove]

Hope you dont mind me asking, but how long was your affair?

 

I'm only 2 months NC. It seems like forever to me. I'm sure it wil be many more months or possibly even years for me to stop feeling anger and hate, especially towards myself.

 

We met in Feb 2011. By the time Sept 2012 came around we were full blown EA.

 

Told my wife of my feelings for OW Oct 2012. By May 2013 I had moved out. The PA began shortly after that June 2013 and I ended it Nov 2013.

 

So from EA to PA and end....2 years give or take.

 

The unraveling of emotions from the affair is mind blowing. I hope to Jesus I'm not spinning my wheels in this mess forever.

 

Your story is a little different. Your affair a secret. Not sure how healing comes from of that. I know you have your reasons, I respect them. I just worry it will take longer for you to fully recover.

[Rainbowlove]

I'm glad you're angry, because I think it's only natural. I enjoy reading your posts because they're always so full of wisdom. Unfortunately, I don't have any for you this time, only a hug. I spent months being angry at my xMM, and it felt wonderful. Then we had a conversation that changed everything, and my anger instantly dissipated. Now I feel only sadness, and let me tell you, I'd rather go back to feeling angry.

 

All I can tell you is to feel it thoroughly. I used to sometimes go for car rides and yell at the top of my lungs to get it all out. You owned your half of the affair, but you also ended it because you felt it was the right choice for all involved. Don't ever blame yourself for that.

 

Thank you. I'm gonna yell some obscenities on the car ride home...with a smile on my face.

 

The anger and F U attitude feels way better than owning the blame for her life and choices. Owning my own blame is heavy enough.

 

She can keep hers. I'll dig and sift through mine.

 

Breathing better now...thank you.

[nikki76]

We met in Feb 2011. By the time Sept 2012 came around we were full blown EA.

 

Told my wife of my feelings for OW Oct 2012. By May 2013 I had moved out. The PA began shortly after that June 2013 and I ended it Nov 2013.

 

So from EA to PA and end....2 years give or take.

 

The unraveling of emotions from the affair is mind blowing. I hope to Jesus I'm not spinning my wheels in this mess forever.

 

Your story is a little different. Your affair a secret. Not sure how healing comes from of that. I know you have your reasons, I respect them. I just worry it will take longer for you to fully recover.

 

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

I try to imangine life, 20 years from now and wonder if they will still be so deeply embedded in our minds and hearts. Or of it will be like any other past relationship, just a distant memory.

[norudder]

I have gone hoarse from the yelling at him I've done in my car. I've had to pull over in sobbing tears, doing the 'ugly cry'. I don't say this provokingly but maybe she would have left even with kids. That's my situation. He has kids only ones at home and is teenaged. I have kids too, young, but I'm leaving he isn't. He can't tell me how hard it is, I'm living how hard it is. So its hard for me not to think he was just lying about his M and loving me. Im angry at him at myself for my choices in M and A, and loving someone that hurt me at the not knowing the truth and just the pain of it all. But I think you're right its good. Its part of the process of moving on and its a powerful energy when channeled. I just started some improvements to my life and my motivation is because F***him, that why. I will be my own hero.

[jellybean89]

Good - you need to be mad.

 

If you start to feel any mushy feelings for her - remember that she wanted you to leave your child. NO person who loves another would EVER ask that person to leave their child.

 

Be angry, work through it and then put it behind you. You don't want to carry that anger around for the rest of you life - do it for you and do it for your child.

[Selfish]

I was never angry. Disgusted by both of us but never angry. Even when he threw me under the bus I never got angry. It wasn't an important step for me. We were both to blame. He owed me nothing. I find I was more disgusted with him than myself when he tried to reignite the a. But then that made me more disgusted with myself because I had got involved with him. Soooo... Still no anger.

 

Now, as I hear of him cheating once again and then her cheating in revenge I feel pity for them and the life they choose to lead. And thank the gods I'm no longer around them

 

(I felt anger towards his BS so I do get anger)

[solostand]

I WISH I could feel anger - God knows there is a lot to be angry about. But right now, 4 weeks NC, all I can feel is sadness. Hopefully the anger will come. . .

[SolG]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup

 

Although these are not linear, nor even mutually exclusive, anger is a good sign :-)

[Rainbowlove]

There is a certain kind of freedom in the anger I haven't felt before.

 

It's releasing my complete and full responsibility of her choices and life.

 

I can only own my stuff. Her and I walked the walk together. She pulled me into it as much as I pulled her into it.

 

I think in my last T session this week was amazing. I sat there crying for leaving her behind, for kicking her like a dog in the end, for not being able to stay with her and help her continue to navigate her way out of the closet.

 

I held her hand when she told her H, her kids, her Mormon family, her friends. For one year, I was her rock. Everything was about her coming out process, her ending her life as she knew it.

 

I helped her find a gay friendly therapist, I helped her find gay friends and support, I showed her gay groups to join and I was a friend through all of it.

 

It was never about what I was losing. My partnership of 17 years, my 2.5 yr old son, my house, life extended family. To her, they were nothing. Everything was about her losses. My loss and heartbreak was of zero concern to her.

 

The break through for me was therapy this week. During my crying fit, my T looks at me and says... "If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. She wanted out of her church, she wanted out of her marriage, her gay, him gay, she didn't want to stay in that. You (meaning me) was any easy out for her".

 

Click. I was an easy out for her.

 

Her entire life was a lie. Her and her H are both now out of the closet and have their own gay lovers.

 

I feel myself letting go in a way I hadn't before. I have compassion for where her life is now. I have compassion for her coming out process. It's never easy to come out. Her process, harder than some. Maybe. Maybe not. Coming out sucks.

 

I'm responsible for my affair. I'm responsible for what I did to my marriage. I'm responsible for hurting my AP and her husband. I own it.

 

She's responsible for her life now and must pick up the pieces and move on.

 

I am doing the same. I feel like I'm finally letting go.

[DKT3]

There is a certain kind of freedom in the anger I haven't felt before.

 

It's releasing my complete and full responsibility of her choices and life.

 

I can only own my stuff. Her and I walked the walk together. She pulled me into it as much as I pulled her into it.

 

I think in my last T session this week was amazing. I sat there crying for leaving her behind, for kicking her like a dog in the end, for not being able to stay with her and help her continue to navigate her way out of the closet.

 

I held her hand when she told her H, her kids, her Mormon family, her friends. For one year, I was her rock. Everything was about her coming out process, her ending her life as she knew it.

 

I helped her find a gay friendly therapist, I helped her find gay friends and support, I showed her gay groups to join and I was a friend through all of it.

 

It was never about what I was losing. My partnership of 17 years, my 2.5 yr old son, my house, life extended family. To her, they were nothing. Everything was about her losses. My loss and heartbreak was of zero concern to her.

 

The break through for me was therapy this week. During my crying fit, my T looks at me and says... "If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. She wanted out of her church, she wanted out of her marriage, her gay, him gay, she didn't want to stay in that. You (meaning me) was any easy out for her".

 

Click. I was an easy out for her.

 

Her entire life was a lie. Her and her H are both now out of the closet and have their own gay lovers.

 

I feel myself letting go in a way I hadn't before. I have compassion for where her life is now. I have compassion for her coming out process. It's never easy to come out. Her process, harder than some. Maybe. Maybe not. Coming out sucks.

 

I'm responsible for my affair. I'm responsible for what I did to my marriage. I'm responsible for hurting my AP and her husband. I own it.

 

She's responsible for her life now and must pick up the pieces and move on.

 

I am doing the same. I feel like I'm finally letting go.

 

I think your an awesome person. I stay away from your threads and posts because every so often I feel a connection with another poster and its easy to become vested emotionally in their story.

 

The thing that sticks out to me, is even after she used you, your focus is how you could have help more.

 

You don't hate her at all, not sure you are capable of hate. You (in my opinion) are really upset with yourself for believing this woman you love (not loved) so deeply may not have loved you back.

 

That's my 2 cents. I wish nothing but the best for you.

[Cinnimon]

Might sound silly but you know the part in the movie Christmas Vacation, starring Chevy Chase, where he go's ballistic over his boss . Well I have that clip saved to my phone, one because I feel just like that sometimes and two because you can't help but laugh at it, even when you're crying.

[Rainbowlove]

I think your an awesome person. I stay away from your threads and posts because every so often I feel a connection with another poster and its easy to become vested emotionally in their story.

 

The thing that sticks out to me, is even after she used you, your focus is how you could have help more.

 

You don't hate her at all, not sure you are capable of hate. You (in my opinion) are really upset with yourself for believing this woman you love (not loved) so deeply may not have loved you back.

 

That's my 2 cents. I wish nothing but the best for you.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

I think there's some validity in your words.

 

Deep down inside, I knew she loved me, but "needed me and feared losing me" more than really loving me.

 

I was her lifeline to the gay world. I knew in time, she would find her gay wings and like a baby bird want to fly away and explore the world of others like her freely. She was not going to love and want me forever. She said she did, but she didn't.

 

I told her this. I told her she would eventually want to exprience other lovers etc. She fought me on it, but I was right. She was just finding herself.

 

I don't hate her. I could never.

 

I just want my life back fully. I want to enjoy my wife, my son and the wonderful world we've built together and not be so weighed down by it.

 

I'm getting there. Ever so slowly

[Rainbowlove]

Might sound silly but you know the part in the movie Christmas Vacation, starring Chevy Chase, where he go's ballistic over his boss . Well I have that clip saved to my phone, one because I feel just like that sometimes and two because you can't help but laugh at it, even when you're crying.

 

And sometimes I put on Judas Priest, You've Got Another Thing Coming and blast it so loud and sing it screaming the lyrics.

 

Helps too

[DKT3]

And sometimes I put onJudas Priest, You've Got Another Thing Coming and blast it so loud and sing it screaming the lyrics.

 

Helps too

 

A little less awesome now.