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Well I'm not long back from two weeks OS with MM. We broke up on Valentine's Day - I flew home that evening.

 

About half way into the trip we had a huge fight during which I threatened to tell his wife. I actually didn't mean it, I was just so angry and hurt at the time that I used the threat as a weapon. I certainly have always advocated that he should tell his wife as she deserves to know; but I would never tell her myself. But I was convincing, and it really rocked him. I'm actually quite ashamed of being so vitriolic and spiteful. We said a lot of things that can't be taken back. It was the culmination of a lot of hurt over a long time.

 

In the aftermath of that, we just weren't the same. He wasn't sure anymore, and I was more hurt than ever. I wasn't ready to let him go.

 

Over the next few days we talked at length about us and his wife and his children and our individual desires. We came to the conclusion that there is actually no path that exists for us to be together where we both get what we want the way we want it.

 

If he gets to stay with his family in a full time capacity and I remain the OW, I would resent and hate him over time. If he 'left' and didn't get to support his W and be present in his children's home, he would resent me and come to hate me over time.

 

We also discussed all manner of other delusional arrangements such as explaining to his W that he needs a mistress and keeping me semi-openly, and polyamory... But we know that these would make his W miserable, and probably me too in the long run.

 

So in the end we concluded there is really only one option we can take, and that's to end the A. We spent the last couple of days just being together, reminiscing and grieving. And then I left.

 

We've been in touch since to check on one another. But when he leaves his OS secondment, that will be it. He'll go back home and focus on being the best father and husband he can be. And I'll try and move on.

 

We will both be in the same location for work mid this year, coincident with his birthday. We plan to talk again then if we are both up to it and can stick to the agreed boundaries. If it's possible, we'd like to be friends again. But only if it's possible for us both to make that transition.

 

I'm in a great deal of pain right now. If truth be known, I'd probably take him back in a heart beat just to stop the hurt at the moment. It's a good thing that he's thousands of miles away and strongly committed to what we've agreed as I'd undoubtedly cave at the slightest advance.

 

I've barely eaten since I got home and haven't been to work. Everything just feels... Empty at the moment after four and a half years of MM always being there in some way.

 

I've joined a couple of online dating sites more for the diversion than anything else, but also the ego kibbles. (Shallow, I know.) But despite the fact that there appears to be a wealth of really great guys out there... All I see in every contact is the ways that they're not like MM. Not that I'm actually looking for a relationship right now, or maybe ever :-/

 

I know rationally that I'll make it through this. It just seems so immense and impossible right now :-(

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It's a horrible feeling and I'm really sorry you're going through this. What happened between the two of you is exactly what would've happened between xMM and I if we had continued our affair. We had already had a major disagreement and I knew we would end up enemies if we continued the rollercoaster we were on. Break up, get back together, regret it, break up, blah, blah, blah. Eight years of that. Unless you just enjoy being the OW, you need to never go back to that. Most of us simply can't handle it, nor should we.

 

Please don't beat yourself up too much about what you said to him. If you're like xMM and I, we seem to bounce back from every infraction that was ever said or done between us. But don't mistake that for it being a relationship that's meant to be because, as I was just saying to someone tonight, meant to be doesn't really mean a whole lot. Don't let all that stuff fool you into getting back into something you're never going to be happy in.

 

I know it hurts and I know it's really, really hard to be strong. Try to do it, though. And, btw, dating other men in the meantime probably isn't your best move right now. It's not fair to the guy, and all it's going to do is depress you. Learn to love being with yourself. I know it doesn't sound like a great thing but it really can be. I'm not saying be alone forever, but learn to enjoy being with you.

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No advice. Just empathy. Good call. If anyone thinks an affair through before they start they'll follow it to the conclusion that despite the feelings they are absolutely pointless relationships that usually go nowhere but will always cause hurt in some way. But oh those feelings. Take care of yourself.

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I'm sorry you're going through it... I emphatize.

 

I was just reading your other thread the other day - what happened with being separated under the same roof, wasn't that his goal?

 

I'm really sorry it didn't work out.

 

Sending you hugs.

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It's a good thing that he's thousands of miles away and strongly committed to what we've agreed as I'd undoubtedly cave at the slightest advance.

 

Oh, geez. Please don't so that. Sorry about your unhappy ending, but caving will make it worse.What positive outcome could you get that you haven't managed to achieve in nearly five years? In advance of this vacation, which most of us advised you not to take, you said you were fine with either outcome. Que sera sera were your exact words. Though that wasn't a realistic expectation, the last line of your current post is.

 

You will make it through and you will be miserable for a few months. But it is the only way. Remain NC. Don't reach out for more of the same. Only time will buy progress.

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We are currently facing a very big and sad change in my side of the family. One that affects us all. And when I think to hard on past memories right now or look into the future is feels soul crushing. So for now I am in the now. And yes it sucks and hurts but not as much as dwelling on the past or future does. When I feel myself really low I have a good cry and then try to focus on other things. I don't think about how long this will hurt (because it is forever) or even thoughts of when it will be better because that doesn't help me today. In case you wondering my sis in law who is my very best friend is divorcing my brother. I have known this woman since my childhood. And even though it isn't a romantic relationship between us she was the sister I never had. She was the one I told about when I had my first crush. Then she became my friend as our age gaps closed. We were in each others weddings. And now she is leaving all of us. Her choice not ours.

 

Pain of losing someone close sucks. And even though through the neices and nephews I will continue to see her from time to time. And we will be on speaking terms, what once we had is gone. I know that is how you feel to.

 

Distraction, healthy distraction, can be a good thing. I have decided to change careers to something that has always appealed to me.

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You put a scare into the MM by threatening to tell his wife. Right now he feels that he can't trust you and that it's better to end the affair than have you eventually tell on him. Once he feels that you are not going to tell his wife he will invite you back into his life as the OW. I hope you don't take him up on that offer.

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I'm happy for you SolG, although right now I'm sure you're in no mood for celebration but you've taken the first step in moving forward instead of being stuck on a treadmill to nowhere with MM. We had many discussions over the course of my A, mainly on my part, about what would "really" happen and always his response was "I don't know but as of today I want you in my life." We didn't go over it like you and MM but I certainly did in my own mind and realized that at the time there was no realistic avenue for us to be together, and for me I wanted more. He seemed somewhat content going on like this forever (and why not) but for me over time it got more and more frustrating.Yes,some days I felt that just to have him in my life I could go along with the status quo, but like you, the months leading up to the end were just filled with arguments, outbursts and anger because I was just so fed up and was really not okay with things as is, so the least little thing would send me into an angry meltdown about the whole situation.

 

In any case, yea I did the rebound thing, it of course didn't work, it provided some distraction until I ended up crying to my rebound about the ex :o. However, slowly but surely as I focused on the reality of things and just tried to fill my life with other things and think about the future it helped. I mean...the shyt is difficult. I won't lie to you. There will be days when you will want to undo it and go back, there will be lots of different emotions and just practically, this person was part of your routine for years so it will feel pretty strange and empty no longer to have that aspect, but with time you fill other things with it and arrive at a new normal.

 

It's not impossible to get over, although it feels like it now. So just remind yourself that "this too shall pass" when you're in the slumps. It helped me to acknowledge the roller coaster of emotions I would feel (I learned this in the breakup after exAP actually). Being aware that there was a roller coaster and that your feelings will go up and down helped me not to freak out on a down swing and helped me to realize that that feeling would pass and things would go back and forth before reaching an equilibrium so I needed to just ride out the lows.

Edited by MissBee
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You're going through the withdrawals and it's only natural for you to feel this loss. You said: 'If it's possible, we'd like to be friends again. But only if it's possible for us both to make that transition'. I'm talking from experience that remaining 'friends' after an affair is next to impossible. I'm sure there are rare exceptions but if you want to move on and heal than you have to block all contact and let it go. Do yourself and your XAP a favor and cease all communication. I know easier said than done and I know because I have been there but as long as you keep a window open, there is always opportunity for him to come right back in. You are vulnerable and as you stated you will take him back in a heart beat. Pick yourself up and do this for you. You know in your heart of hearts that he's NEVER leaving her so why waste your time. Wishing you the best!

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Hugs to you, OP. What you described, the possible resentment on both sides if the affair continued, is the inevitable deadlock that most affairs come to. I know it's heartbreaking but if you remain friends, you're either going to fall back into it and keep running in circles, or just pine for him further. I caution you on the friendship aspect.

 

In the meantime, try to hang in there.

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Yes, the separated under one roof thing was his goal. But when we rehashed it this time, we did so with more rigour. We're still pretty sure his W would have agreed, but there would of course have been a cost. She would have been resigned, but probably deeply unhappy; it would not have produced the kind of harmonious family environment he really wants for the kids.

 

His W isn't weak, but she is traditional and committed to a fault. To illustrate, awhile after he stopped having sex with her she asked if he was gay. She went on to say that she would be fine if that were the case; he could discreetly have sex with men and they could continue to maintain the marriage and family. She would sacrifice much to keep the man she loves and her family unit intact.

 

She and xMM were each other's firsts and onlies. Neither had prior relationships, physical or otherwise. He tried to break up with her after a couple of years of dating when he first realised that it wasn't all he had hoped for. She was devastated, in particular about the fact that she had only 'given herself' to him as she expected him to be her 'the one' forever and that he had known that. And he stayed because he cared for her deeply and couldn't bear to hurt her so profoundly. He decided to make her happy and make the best of things.

 

And that is still the case today. While he loves me, he doesn't love me enough to devastate someone he also loves (albeit differently) and has spent a lifetime trying to protect from that very thing. Not to mention the children they brought into the world with the expectation of providing the best possible home.

 

There was a time he thought he did love me enough and that in the end we'd all be ok. But we were never all going to be ok; that was a pipe dream. Indeed, we're not all ok now.

 

His W has been through years now of him distancing himself for me and she is suffering badly from it. He told me more about how painful it was for him to do this to her. And of his great guilt at having so much time with me at the expense of his family; our late nights leading to him being tired at home, all our many work trips. The time he spent distracted emailing or texting me. Some of this I knew, but I really didn't understand the extent of it until this vacation.

 

His W doesn't really need much, other than for him to truly be there. And he can easily do this for her now that our A is over. He told me he will never be truly fulfilled, but that there is fulfilment enough to be had in creating a happy and harmonious family home. Ironically, now that he's experienced what we had together, he says he feels more able to settle knowing what it is and that he once had that elusive thing. He never strayed before me, and never will again. And I will never get even remotely close to a married man again. Ever. The price for everyone is just too high.

 

And to explain the threatening to tell his wife as being the deathknell. Yes, it did scare him that I would threaten to hurt his family. But the other dimension is that I threatened to use our communication as proof. He saw each of those emails and photos and cards and texts as a mini sacrifice he'd made for me; as representative of time and effort he'd chosen to expend on me as opposed to other important facets of his life. That I would then threaten to use that sacrifice against him hurt him deeply.

 

I know many of you advised me not to go on the vacation. But I think it's actually the best thing we ever did. It gave us the uninterrupted time and space away from everything to really thrash things out. A blow up of some type was inevitable; we were already on the precipice of it going either way. We got to spend days analysing the context, our actions, our feelings, our motivation and mistakes. We gained some really great insight into our own stupidity, naivety, and blindness around why we chose such a destructive path. We got to arrive at the conclusion and agreement together with total clarity about why it was happening and had to end. Then also importantly, together we got to grieve the end of our relationship and our associated hopes and dreams. I would actually recommend it as part of a breaking up process for those so inclined.

 

After a few days of wallowing in absolute misery I'm feeling a bit better now in an up and downy type of way. xMM and I Skyped last night, and he's doing it as tough as I am right now. But we're holding fast to our agreement. There really is no going back now. Even just our utter sorrow and emotional exhaustion while Skyping is enough of a deterrent. I think we've aged 10 years between us in the last two!

 

Don't worry, I'm not really interested in dating nor in pursuing another relationship. Maybe ever. When my marriage ended, I absolutely adored being free and by myself. I think I can get back there again.

 

I have two coffee catch ups planned for the weekend, and my daughter gets home on Saturday. Right at this particular moment anyway, things don't look or feel too bad.

Edited by SolG
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I'm sorry youre going through this.

 

I would actually encourage the whole dating and/or rebound thing. Just for socialization, if nothing else.

 

So you're going to go six months without seeing him? I can not say this enough....DO NOT SEE HIM IF YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART YOU ARENT STRONG ENOUGH TO SAY, "NO".

 

Trust me on this. If you just have to see him, keep it in a public place. Do everything possible to keep the two of you from having the temptation.

 

It isn't just the sexual temptation, it's the emotional issue. You're hurting now, you may still be hurting then and you may think he can make the hurt go away, even if only for a few minutes.

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Well one week in, and I already know I'm going to survive. It's still incredibly painful, but bearable. At least most of the time. I'm back up and functioning. I put this down to a few things.

 

1. The vacation together. I believe that this was a godsend. That time and space to pull the whole A and everything associated with it apart really helped up both understand how we got where we are and why it can't continue. The opportunity to mourn together also helped immeasurably.

 

2. The fact that we are NOT NC. We've Skyped and/or called daily. We've reinforced our agreed course of action to one another. When one or the other of us feels weak, we remind one another as to why we agreed what we did. We're resetting our expectations of our futures. And we're supporting one another as best we can. And it actually helps that I'm getting to see his pain too; that I'm not in my suffering alone and to know this A meant a great deal to him too. I think we'll both be far more ready for NC at the point we've agreed it will apply because we are actively preparing ourselves for it. For xMM, he will go home to his W with our loose ends tied up and the greater part of his grieving expressed; he'll be far better placed to focus and commit to his M and W than were he still preoccupied with his distress.

 

3. I gave myself downtime. For the first five days I barely did anything more than cry in the foetal position and potter online. No exercise, no work, no cleaning, no cooking... Just outpouring of emotion. It has helped to just let myself be with the misery. I've now put it aside and am up and moving again. I'll still give myself time to sit with the pain, but not to the selfindulgent level not level that I did at first. Time to live again.

 

4. New connections. I've let the few of my friends who knew know that it's over and they've all kept tabs on me and sent messages of support. I joined a couple of online dating sites with clear indication on my profiles that I am only interested in making new friends. I've had to delete one as I've never done the online dating thing before and it's quite overwhelming and labour/time intensive to keep up! But I had coffee with a contact yesterday, a journalist just back from three months on assignment overseas. It was thoroughly enjoyable and stimulating. We are both happy just to have met another interesting human and there are no expectations or date stresses. We're going to get together again soon. I actually had another coffee chat set up for today but have postponed; I know that would be overreaching right now. It has been invaluable to remind myself that xMM's regard is not all that defines me. I'm still a vital, attractive and intelligent woman in my own right and that other people believe so too. xMM, while expressing some jealousy and pain, has been supportive and essentially said, 'I told you so!' :-)

 

5. Connecting with family. My daughter and I had a pizza and movie night last night. We watched a doco on food. We're invigorated right now about starting a new vegie patch. Also looking at helping each other revamp our respective workout programs. A distant cousin messaged me during the week to let me know that she is expecting her first grandchild. She's flying in to my country for the birth in a few weeks and I'm going to fly up to catch up with her. Also planning a weekend with my mother soon.

 

6. Research. I've been gathering everything I can get my hands on about the psychology of ending relationships. Haven't read much yet, but what I have read reinforces that everything we are going through is pretty normal.

 

7. I emailed xMM's BF. He'd kill me if he knew! But I've reached out and found more support than I could've hoped for. And I'm worried that xMM does not have the same. The BF and I have met; xMM connected us when I was visiting the BF's city OS a couple of years ago. He wanted the two most important people in his life to meet :-) We had dinner and have exchanged a couple of emails since. I essentially sent the BF an email synopsis of the A, let him know that xMM ended it and that I was concerned that when we go NC that he would have no one that knows his whole story to be there if he needs it. The BF sent me back the most beautifully compassionate and supportive email. He says he could tell that xMM and I were something more, and that he'll bear witness. He said he was sorry for our pain. He'll keep an eye out not just for me, but because he too cares deeply for xMM and he too knows how difficult it is to lose someone you love from your life. BF and I won't maintain regularly contact (although we will probably touch base if/when our paths cross in our travels) as I don't want to keep tabs on xMM, it's enough that I know someone has xMM's back in this regards.

 

Well, I know that this is incredibly early days for me post-A. And that I undoubtedly have many low points to come. But at the same time I do feel a growing sense of hope in the future and faith that we're going to be okay.

 

I hope some of these strategies/actions can help those of you other Others in your journeys.

 

Cheers, SolG

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SoIG,

I hurt with you right now. I wish I new the magic words to put heart back together again but all I can offer are some simple truths that you need to start saying to yourself everyday:

 

1. You are Not alone (you may feel like it, but you truly aren't )

2. You Will get through today (can even begin with 'this moment' graduate to 'this morning' then move to 'this afternoon' etc... but You Will get through today)

3. You are worthy (of what you ask? Of all good and healthy things but You Are Worthy!)

4. Repeat

 

Once you have these playing in your head 24/7, then start proving these truths to yourself over and over again.

Sooner than you think, that broken heart of yours will be beating strong again.

All my best to you.

CiH*

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Sounds like a plan and hope it helps you on your path to moving on and healing from this chapter in your life. Sending you much peace and love in your journey. I like what you have going for yourself and please do enjoy each and every moment. You deserve it!

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I think you are on the right path, I really do.

 

Just one thing...

 

Daily contact? I've never been a big fan of no contact, but daily contact? What exactly has actually changed about your relationship? I don't mean what changes you've made, such as dating, but what about the two of you is now legitimately different? I'm thinking you were long distance.

 

I'm also one of those who is able to have regular contact. We could talk and text daily if we wanted. But that's an intimacy just waiting for disaster.

 

Usually when I get the urge to call him, I try to wait 24 hours before I do. Sometimes by the time that has passed, so has the urge.

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xMM and I have never officially gone NC. I know a lot of people encourage it and I think in some circumstances, it may be a good idea. But I think if xMM and I did that, it would only make me yearn for him. As it is, we have naturally pulled away from one another over time, we rarely talk and, when we do, it's not like some forbidden action. I guess all I'm saying is that maybe you can eventually get to that place of loose contact instead of a complete ending that you seem to be contemplating. Just my thoughts.

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I think you are on the right path, I really do.

 

Just one thing...

 

Daily contact? I've never been a big fan of no contact, but daily contact? What exactly has actually changed about your relationship? I don't mean what changes you've made, such as dating, but what about the two of you is now legitimately different? I'm thinking you were long distance.

 

I'm also one of those who is able to have regular contact. We could talk and text daily if we wanted. But that's an intimacy just waiting for disaster.

 

Usually when I get the urge to call him, I try to wait 24 hours before I do. Soh7metimes by the time that has passed, so has the urge.

 

So many things are different! Hardly any texts or emails. No talking whenever we can. No phone or video sex. No falling asleep together on Skype. The content of our conversations is different; a lot of work discussions and talk about or separate futures. Our pet names have been shelved. Yes we still say I love you... with always with a big BUT either stated or inferred.

 

We're very deliberately reshaping our interraction.

 

We do have to, and will go NC when he returns home. He has made his choice and we both need to respect that. He has a lot of repairing to do on the home front and can't fully focus on that with me in the wings. And I have a lot of personal recovery to do--including severing my emotional reliance on him--that I can't fully achieve if he's still on tap..

 

We're planning NC until his birthday midyear to give each other the space to do these things. Then we hope to celebrate his birthday together and check in. We understand the risks and both have the power of veto if either of us feels that we're not ready or perceive that the other is not. Naive or unlikely as it may seem, we do hope to be just friends again one day.

 

I had a really crappy day on Monday. Had a meeting in the conference room where xMM and I did a lot of work together and started to connect. Everything just flooded back. In my previous post I talked about what I AM doing to try and move on. I'm finding I now need to also work on what NOT to do to assist.

 

I still have moments of overwhelming pain and feelings that it's too hard. But I find talking to xMM about them and sharing resolve helps. Ironic really :-/

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