NC (for the second time). Tips?

[somewanderersarelost]

I posted on here back in December. I'm a gay guy who got in a messy situation with another guy in an open relationship back in April. It started to get very intense for me in August, and I found that I was sad more often than not. I was also becoming slightly obsessive, and would get upset when I wouldn't hear from / see this guy. I knew, then, that I had to break it off, which I finally was able to do in December.

 

After I ended it, he respected my wishes and didn't reach out directly. He did, however, post a lot of stupid links and funny things to my Facebook wall. (I have to be friends with him for political reasons; he is very much a part of my friend circle, and our "situation" is not fully known. My blocking him would raise questions I don't want to answer.) One day, when I was feeling weak, I reached out, and we picked things back up with even more intensity than before. It got so bad that some of my friends threatened to stop speaking to me if I continued with him (and, sadly, one actually did).

 

So, I set my birthday (last week) as the deadline to end it. We had plans to go to an event together that night, and I was looking forward to it. The day before we were to go, I tried to work with him to find a time we could hang out before or after the event. He was being extremely noncommittal, and it dawned on me -- I'm literally begging someone to hang out with me. So, in my moment of frustration, I told him that what I really wanted for my birthday was for us to be close, and since that's not something he can clearly give, he should find someone else to take to the event. His response? "Ok." We haven't talked since. (He did not wish me a happy birthday.)

 

Obviously, I feel really sad. There are times, especially when I go to bed / wake up, where I just feel so overwhelmed and lost. It really stings when you realize someone you care about so much really doesn't give a sh*t about you. Even though I know--for certain now--that he doesn't care about me, I still have this intense desire to contact him. So, people who have been through this, any tips on actually making the NC stick? I've made up with my friends (even the one who stopped talking to me), and I've promised to make it work this time, so I absolutely have to. People only have so much patience, after all. Any advice?

[Rainbowlove]

Keep busy. Make a list of all the shi tty feelings associated with him.

 

Find new hobbies. Write. Take it day by day.

 

Get a good therapist. You need someone to talk to other than your annoyed friends. I will say, if you lose friends, they were never really your friend to begin with.

 

You can do it. Good luck.

Edited February 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

He was being extremely noncommittal, and it dawned on me -- I'm literally begging someone to hang out with me. So, in my moment of frustration, I told him that what I really wanted for my birthday was for us to be close, and since that's not something he can clearly give, he should find someone else to take to the event. His response? "Ok." We haven't talked since. (He did not wish me a happy birthday.)

 

This should be enough to make you stay in NC mode. He was using you and he also had treated you like crap. So so so crappy! You are worth more than this, even though you have strong feelings for him, he's not the 'one' for you. It's unhealthy and damaging to you.

 

I wish you peace and strength to get through this and to keep him out of your life.

 

Try to mend fences with those friends who couldn't support your decision to go back to him...They care, I think they may have just been so frustrated and knew nothing they could have said would have changed your mind to stay away from him.

 

Happy belated birthday.

[GoldieLox]

I'm not familiar with facebook (probably the only 20something on the planet without one) but is there a way you can still remain friends with him, but not have him show up on your newsfeed or something? I hate to say it, but as long as you still have to look at his pictures and posts everyday, he's going to be front and center in your thoughts. The temptation to reach out to him is always going to be there, especially in the early stages when the strength isn't there yet (it does come, it just takes time).

 

Really think about blocking him. If anyone asks, you can either tell them you had a falling out, or better yet, that it's really not their business. I know it's uncomfortable to have people raise questions, but you have to look out for yourself here.

[nikki76]

Im sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is, when someone you think you are in love with, doesnt want to be with you. My affair partner would make excuse after excuse.. for six months I practically begged him to make time to be with me and he never did. I had enough and after a few attempts, I finally went NC. It sucks like all hell. But you HAVE to cut him off completely or there will be too many temptations. No one will know if you block him from Facebook unless they look at your friend list and he's no longer there. You can always say, you dont know why he's gone from your list.

 

In the beginning its going to be so hard. But I promise, as time goes by, the pain will be less. You will come out of the fog and start to see who is really is, and it wont hurt so much. Allow yourself to grieve, but dont let that take over your life. He's not worth it.

[nikki76]

I have to stress how important it is to go COMPLETE no contact. I cant block his number from my phone unless I contact my phone company, but I cant do that w/o my husband finding out. MM keeps messaging me. I will not respond. But...I have to admit, its damn tempting. But then I think about how crappy he is that he cant respect my wishes to never contact him, and I snap out of it. I will never go to that evil place again. I hope you dont either. remember, you'll just end up where you are now, only it will hurt so much more.

 

Good luck

[whatatangledweb]

There is no way for others to know you blocked someone. If you keep seeing his posts you will be very tempted to contact him.

[somewanderersarelost]

Thanks everyone for responding. I took the NC route and haven't spoken with him. Well, until last night. I went out with some friends, and I saw him at one of the bars we went to. I was shocked so I sort of half waved. He did the same but with a look of (slight) disdain. I immediately left, and met up with some other friends. As I was about to go home, I decided to go grab something to eat. Sadly, when I entered the store to grab something, he was also there. He said "hello" but again with a mean(ish) look that made me extremely sad to see. I got flustered and left without purchasing anything. I was so upset when I got home - crying, calling friends, etc. I finally realized he is what he is, so I blocked him on Facebook.

 

I just feel so gross. I hate the fact that we ended this way, and that, when I see him from now on, it will be uncomfortable. I just don't understand how you can be so close one second, and then mean nothing the next. Part of me wants to reach out and try to explain everything to him, but I know that's pointless. I just need to deal with the fact that we are not on good terms and, most likely, never will be.

 

I don't know why I'm sharing all this. I guess I just always had hope for the two of us, even when I knew it was absurd. Now, however, there is no hope; what's done is done. And I am so unbelievably sad about it.