Just ended being OW after almost 2 years

[m4p]

Hi everyone.. I am not sure what do I do or what should I say.. I have been the OW for about 2 years with a MM. I am attached with my own boyfriend for about 4 years.

 

2 days ago, his wife found out about him lying about his whereabouts. They are together for about 15 years since they were teens and this caused her to throw him out of the house. They have no kids.

 

Background story: he's 10 years older than me. I'm mid-twenties, he's mid-thirties. We met at work, were good friends who could talk about anything. Things escalated and we couldn't stop. It was just attraction in every aspect. Mentally.. physically. He changed jobs but we still continued with meeting, even for a meal once a week was good enough if it means being able to see each other. Everything was definitely sexually motivated in the beginning. But after 6 months or so into the affair, it's pretty obvious that things had became more than sex. Everything was additionally, emotionally intimate and somehow we thought we could do this forever. (Meeting me and being happy, going home to wife and being happy. Me meeting him and being happy, going home to my life and being happy).

 

Obviously we were blinded and things will not last forever. So now he's bunking at his sister's while trying to salvage his marriage. He has told me that it is not a good idea for us to keep in contact as he is feeling very guilty towards her. I accept that as I do not wish to ask him to give up anything for me (nor do I expect him to.)

 

There is no justifications in this world about being the OW.

 

I am feeling very sorry.. And heartbroken.. And crying ****loads while thinking how can things change overnight. one thing I give him credit for is that he had been forthright since the beginning and have never given me any false promises. Same goes for me. But what one does not expect is how hard it is to break free from these emotional attachments that has took place for someone who genuinely cares for you and might even possible love you..

 

I am heartbroken and in pain and I know I have to suck it up and work on maintaining my own relationship with my partner (I do not want to talk about him here).

 

Had been crying and trying my best to be positive. I feel so bad for playing a part in screwing up his life. Yes he is not without blame but we both went in knowing the consequences. I genuinely believe that he is a decent person. He couldn't stop apologizing to me over the phone when telling me what had happened, at a point as I was crying, I think he started crying too and told me how sorry he is for letting us getting into this in the first place.

 

What can I do? How should I think? I can't tell anyone about this and the wrenching pain of a breakup is killing me. :'(

[whichwayisup]

Let him go. No good can come of hanging on and hoping he'll come back. He's chosen to work on his marriage, he obviously loves his wife enough to try to make it work and beg for her forgiveness.

 

I know you said you don't want to talk about your boyfriend, but be prepared that she will find out who you are and do some digging, possibly find out too, who your bf is and tell him that you've had an affair with her husband. That may not happen, but there's a good chance it will, so just put some thought into telling your boyfriend. He probably knows something is "off" right now, he's not stupid and will be able to see that you're not yourself.

 

Your MM has ended it as best as he could, he was honest and showed you how upset he was, so at least you have that, hopefully it gives you some closure.

[m4p]

Let him go. No good can come of hanging on and hoping he'll come back. He's chosen to work on his marriage, he obviously loves his wife enough to try to make it work and beg for her forgiveness.

 

I know you said you don't want to talk about your boyfriend, but be prepared that she will find out who you are and do some digging, possibly find out too, who your bf is and tell him that you've had an affair with her husband. That may not happen, but there's a good chance it will, so just put some thought into telling your boyfriend. He probably knows something is "off" right now, he's not stupid and will be able to see that you're not yourself.

 

Your MM has ended it as best as he could, he was honest and showed you how upset he was, so at least you have that, hopefully it gives you some closure.

 

 

Thanks for the words of harsh reality.. It is indeed true that no good will come out of hanging around.. I know for a fact that he loves his wife a lot and at this stage I keep reminding myself of that so that I won't harbour silly thoughts of hopes.

 

It's less of losing a lover but more so of a best friend and close confidante who wanted the best for me in every situation (well aside the fact from having an affair with me and leading me to this painful ending, lol.)

[m4p]

Wow a MM with a conscious, who gave you closure and cried. I would have all the understanding as you have and be grateful that although it ended, you may have some peace in your heart, not anger.

You will go through all the stages of grief. I know it is painful and you will feel guilt. I hope it passes quickly and you find your own happiness.

 

 

 

Thanks my friend. That was insightful. I still cannot stop crying at the thought of never seeing him again.. I don't know how can I deal with this secret life while living my normal life.

 

To a certain extent, as much as I know that he loves his wife, it still hurts me so bad that I am not an option at all. I can tell he is in pain when he told me that the past years wasn't for nothing. I don't expect anything else, maybe it's a selfish or ego thing. I just wished that I didn't feel so hurt and emotional. This sucks so bad... Sheesh.

[m4p]

Wow a MM with a conscious, who gave you closure and cried. I would have all the understanding as you have and be grateful that although it ended, you may have some peace in your heart, not anger.

You will go through all the stages of grief. I know it is painful and you will feel guilt. I hope it passes quickly and you find your own happiness.

 

Don't always count on that though. My exMM's Wife left him, in house separation, hard 180, and they worked hard and reconciled and he came running back as soon as they did. I NEVER thought he would because all the social media made it look like it was a new love story, happy family, celebrations. Take care of yourself but prepare yourself if he does come back. I hope you are stronger willed than I was.

 

 

Whoa.. That sounds horrible. I do know that I can be strong willed in anything EXCEPT for him. Even for the past couple years. Maybe it's escapism.. Maybe it's just loving the attention..

 

One good thing that I'm glad about is that we are not on each other's social media platform. Never took that step and I am glad that at least I can keep my lives separate. This will help with starting anew without him too. The weirdest thing is just that sense of surrealism. 2 days ago we were just having lunch and talking about everything. 2 days later everything is gone and what's left is a void.

 

Im sorry for warbling..... Just needed to talk and let it all out... This alternating clear-minded/crying episodes is not easy to get through. Sigh.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks my friend. That was insightful. I still cannot stop crying at the thought of never seeing him again.. I don't know how can I deal with this secret life while living my normal life.

 

To a certain extent, as much as I know that he loves his wife, it still hurts me so bad that I am not an option at all. I can tell he is in pain when he told me that the past years wasn't for nothing. I don't expect anything else, maybe it's a selfish or ego thing. I just wished that I didn't feel so hurt and emotional. This sucks so bad... Sheesh.

 

Let's say it was your boyfriend who found out about your affair with the MM. Would you end your relationship and go to the MM or would you beg for forgiveness and ask your bf for a second chance?

 

10 years is a long time, plus their past history pre marriage. They have families entwined, friends and a life built together. He never was going to just up and throw it all away, even if he is in love with you. Would you give up your bf and the life you know for MM?

 

Rely on good friends that you can trust to help you through this, seek counseling if you can't cope on your own. You're gonna hurt, you invested a lot of emotions and time into him so of course it's a loss and one that won't go away over night.

 

You do have some thinking to do once the sadness gets less, decide if you'd be better off single or try to fix what's broken in you and in your relationship with your bf.

 

 

Thanks for the words of harsh reality.. It is indeed true that no good will come out of hanging around.. I know for a fact that he loves his wife a lot and at this stage I keep reminding myself of that so that I won't harbour silly thoughts of hopes.

 

You're welcome. Harsh is my middle name, more reality check than anything, so I'm glad that you've taken in what was said.

 

Keep busy, join a gym work out/do yoga, something that will get you active and get your mind off of him.

[m4p]

Let's say it was your boyfriend who found out about your affair with the MM. Would you end your relationship and go to the MM or would you beg for forgiveness and ask your bf for a second chance?

 

10 years is a long time, plus their past history pre marriage. They have families entwined, friends and a life built together. He never was going to just up and throw it all away, even if he is in love with you. Would you give up your bf and the life you know for MM?

 

Rely on good friends that you can trust to help you through this, seek counseling if you can't cope on your own. You're gonna hurt, you invested a lot of emotions and time into him so of course it's a loss and one that won't go away over night.

 

You do have some thinking to do once the sadness gets less, decide if you'd be better off single or try to fix what's broken in you and in your relationship with your bf.

 

 

 

 

You're welcome. Harsh is my middle name, more reality check than anything, so I'm glad that you've taken in what was said.

 

Keep busy, join a gym work out/do yoga, something that will get you active and get your mind off of him.

 

 

Thank you thank you thank you.

 

I needed that once again. He did have a long history with the wife. Met as students, she uprooted with him to go to the states to study and work for 7 years, then moved to where I am right now to stay for the past 8 years.

 

Almost half of his life is already entwined with her. As much as he adores me or feel affection for me, he will never leave his life for me. I needed a reminder of that again.

 

As for myself, I have a very very busy boyfriend who is at the height of his career. He is not a bad person but he is selfish in the sense that I am definitely not his priority at the moment. If I can pull through this and stick around for the next couple years, we should be able to make it. Maybe he is just less sensitive to me. I don't doubt that he loves me. It's just hard when you're upset and craving for affection and it doesn't bother him. So yup, definitely need to work out my own relationship too. Having said that, I also would have to think twice before considering if I will throw this life away for MM.

 

I don't think I mentioned, but this whole affair actually only ended less than 3 hours ago today.

MM called me and we spoke/cried for 30 minutes. He told me he don't even know if his marriage can be salvaged, but he will still try. Additionally, he said that it's not that he doesn't love his wife, but there is just that void there, and he is so so sorry for causing me so much pain. He also said that he will probably need to seek help for that. (I assume therapy?)

 

I have to give him that for being as truthful and decent as he can under this circumstances.

 

You can imagine how much I am struggling inside now. Oh well.. Life goes on. It can only get better right? Thank god it is a weekend and I'm all cooped up just sleeping and reading all day.

 

Thanks again for letting me let it all out........

[bathtub-row]

I guess I'm baffled as to why either of you are hanging onto relationships that obviously aren't "doing it" for you. Seems a real waste of time, if you ask me.

 

It's possible that the only advantage his wife has over you is history. No matter what he does with his marriage, you need to leave your bf. You're not doing him any favors by staying. And, please, don't tell him about your affair. It very hurtful and very unnecessary.

[m4p]

I guess I'm baffled as to why either of you are hanging onto relationships that obviously aren't "doing it" for you. Seems a real waste of time, if you ask me.

 

It's possible that the only advantage his wife has over you is history. No matter what he does with his marriage, you need to leave your bf. You're not doing him any favors by staying. And, please, don't tell him about your affair. It very hurtful and very unnecessary.

 

 

I guess you are right and time will only tell (about MM's marriage). I think he cannot even fathom losing her. i am just very very down over the sudden loss of companionship and the sudden topsy turvy of life as I knew it for the past 2 years.

 

As for my own relationship, I have been in denial over it for quite sometime. What I need to be clear about is that did my affair changed it or was it already like that in the first place (hence playing some parts in my affair). I know it's terribly unfair for my bf. I do still love him and am not staying with him just for the safe of doing so. I think I need some time to think about how can I do this fairly and truthfully to myself.

 

Thanks so much for the insights...

[bathtub-row]

I guess you are right and time will only tell (about MM's marriage). I think he cannot even fathom losing her. i am just very very down over the sudden loss of companionship and the sudden topsy turvy of life as I knew it for the past 2 years.

 

As for my own relationship, I have been in denial over it for quite sometime. What I need to be clear about is that did my affair changed it or was it already like that in the first place (hence playing some parts in my affair). I know it's terribly unfair for my bf. I do still love him and am not staying with him just for the safe of doing so. I think I need some time to think about how can I do this fairly and truthfully to myself.

 

Thanks so much for the insights...

 

You cheated on your bf for two years. That's a lie you'll live with as long as you're with him, or you tell him; which I doubt he'll forgive. There's obviously something wrong between the two of you.

 

Your xMM has no kids holding him to his marriage. If he wants to leave, there's really not much holding him there except guilt, which tends to work very well with men. It's hard to say what he'll do.

 

I know its really difficult dealing with the loss of the friendship. It seems most of us in these situations feel the same way. It's very sad.

[m4p]

You cheated on your bf for two years. That's a lie you'll live with as long as you're with him, or you tell him; which I doubt he'll forgive. There's obviously something wrong between the two of you.

 

Your xMM has no kids holding him to his marriage. If he wants to leave, there's really not much holding him there except guilt, which tends to work very well with men. It's hard to say what he'll do.

 

I know its really difficult dealing with the loss of the friendship. It seems most of us in these situations feel the same way. It's very sad.

 

 

Yes you're right. Very right. I think men will not leave their marriage no matter what. It's the comfort and normalcy of life that they are so used to. They might think about it, but even I am not so thick-skinned to suggest that my xMM will do this for me.

 

I gotta settle my own side of relationship, get over my xMM and see where does life leads me to. No more skulking around and waiting for scraps of intimacy being thrown to me.. Or hurried texts.. Or that abruptness of knowing that he will never leave her for you.

 

We might have made the mistakes of over-romanticized our affairs but I guess that cannot be helped.

 

One thing I will always remember is accidentally reading her texts to him (incoming notifications) 3 months after we started. It was simply an image of her trying on a dress and asking "how does it look? It's fuchsia Colour hahaha"

 

I've been trying to block this out but the sheer normalcy and happiness in that text... It doesn't sound like someone in an unhappy marriage. I don't think he's in an unhappy marriage. I think I was just an addition to his life that he would like to keep around and have the best of both worlds. It was a mistake from the start I can finally admit.

 

This ought to wake me up a bit. He's still torn and in pain and trying to salvage his marriage and for the first time in the whole day, I am still crying at the drop of a hat but I actually hope that he can make it work for his own sake and for all the affections I feel for him.

 

I can go on and on about how he felt like my best friend and soulmate but that's how it is now and no one cares, yeah? Lol.

[anika99]

Thank you thank you thank you.

 

I needed that once again. He did have a long history with the wife. Met as students, she uprooted with him to go to the states to study and work for 7 years, then moved to where I am right now to stay for the past 8 years.

 

Almost half of his life is already entwined with her. As much as he adores me or feel affection for me, he will never leave his life for me. I needed a reminder of that again.

 

As for myself, I have a very very busy boyfriend who is at the height of his career. He is not a bad person but he is selfish in the sense that I am definitely not his priority at the moment. If I can pull through this and stick around for the next couple years, we should be able to make it. Maybe he is just less sensitive to me. I don't doubt that he loves me. It's just hard when you're upset and craving for affection and it doesn't bother him. So yup, definitely need to work out my own relationship too. Having said that, I also would have to think twice before considering if I will throw this life away for MM.

 

I don't think I mentioned, but this whole affair actually only ended less than 3 hours ago today.

MM called me and we spoke/cried for 30 minutes. He told me he don't even know if his marriage can be salvaged, but he will still try. Additionally, he said that it's not that he doesn't love his wife, but there is just that void there, and he is so so sorry for causing me so much pain. He also said that he will probably need to seek help for that. (I assume therapy?)

 

I have to give him that for being as truthful and decent as he can under this circumstances.

 

You can imagine how much I am struggling inside now. Oh well.. Life goes on. It can only get better right? Thank god it is a weekend and I'm all cooped up just sleeping and reading all day.

 

Thanks again for letting me let it all out........

 

If your MM is decent at heart then he will stop calling you to cry and tell you how sad he is and how his marriage is going, because any continued contact with you just prolongs your pain and keeps you hanging on. Many MM continue contact with the OW while they are supposedly working on their marriage and it's because they want to know that the OW is still waiting in the wings should their marriage fail. Their first priority to keep the wife but if that fails then they want to make sure the OW is still an option because God forbid that the cheater end up with nobody.

 

 

Does the MM's wife know he has been having an affair or does she just know that he's been lying about something? If she finds out that there has been an affair then you should seriously consider telling your bf. Once one betrayed partner discovers the affair the chances of the other betrayed partner finding out skyrockets. There was a thread on here not to long ago by a MOW who was certain she didn't have to worry about her husband finding out because although her MM's wife had discovered the affair she didn't think there was any way for the BW to find out who the OW was unless the MM told her and the OW was 100% certain that her MM would never do that. Guess what? He told. Because for most betrayed spouses reconciling the marriage means no more secrets and if their husband wants to continue to protect the OW then the BW won't reconcile. If I were you I would use the next few days to decide if I want to be with my bf or not. If not I would break off the relationship as soon as possible before the sh*t hits the fan.

[m4p]

Your BF is selfish? You aren't HIS priority? So what about your behavior for the last 2 years? You have been having an affair! You have cheated on him. You have lied to him, you have deceived him, you have disrespected him, your behavior has been the definition of selfish. You haven't made your BF your #1 priority! Before casting stones and laying blame at your boyfriend's feet, examine yourself. You chose to cheat. You made the decision to lie and deceive. And the affair is only ending because the MM got busted. Had he not, you would continue to lie and cheat on your BF.

 

I am so sorry. I don't think I came here for any breakdown on whose fault is it in anything. All you gathered is what I've provided and I don't think you know the whole story of anything.

 

Having said that I am stating that I am fully responsible for my own state of affairs. As another poster had said, I should come clean and end my relationship with my bf because it is unfair to him. I really am aware and acknowledge that because with MM or not, our relationshop has been dragging past it's expiry date. I don't think I need to justify anything to anyone but my bf had cheated on me the second year of our relationship. It wasn't the same after that. I didn't bring this up because I don't think it is necessary. Also, 2 wrongs doesn't make 1 right. So I am definitely gonna be fair to my bf and give him the closure that he deserves.

 

However, notbing can change the fact that I have just ended a relationship painfully. Yes perhaps I would have continued if MM wasn't found out. Does you judging me makes things better for me? Or make you happier? I am in deep pain and in your opinion probably doesn't deserve any sympathy. but I came here not seeking for pity, but to read and learn about how can I move on from a damaging relationship instead of being stuck in a vicious cycle.

 

People are the harshest critiques of themselves, so trust me, anything you said its not like I don't know it myself deep inside.

 

Thanks anyway.

[whichwayisup]

As for myself, I have a very very busy boyfriend who is at the height of his career. He is not a bad person but he is selfish in the sense that I am definitely not his priority at the moment.

 

Though you know he loves you and how busy he is, isn't forever. There's a reason, he's in the height of his career as you say and also, he's providing for the two of you. How is that selfish? If one marries a Doctor, a fire fighter, a cop, a paramedic, someone in the military, those spouses know the job comes first and they adjust and understand.

 

Talk to your boyfriend and make time for one another. Leave love notes for him, pack his lunch, bring back that passion for him. It takes two to make a relationship work.

 

All this just happened so you're in shock and feeling all sorts of things. Just keep going one day at a time.

[janetl]

@m4p,

 

I am really sorry for what you are going through. Be strong and keep your head cool and sane.

 

I have a lot of similarities with your story. I know how difficult and confusing it can be.

 

I am completely with bathtub-row about the advice for next steps. Only you know the realities of your relationship and if you have been involved with someone else for 2 years (which is a long time): both you and your boyfriend deserve to find some one with whom this does not happen.

 

As for your MM, needless to say, let him be and do what he wants. This is a good wake up call for you both.

 

Time to pull up your shoes, girl, love yourself, and build a new life you love.

 

Wish you all the best.

[obtuseedge]

Hi everyone.. I am not sure what do I do or what should I say.. I have been the OW for about 2 years with a MM. I am attached with my own boyfriend for about 4 years.

 

2 days ago, his wife found out about him lying about his whereabouts. They are together for about 15 years since they were teens and this caused her to throw him out of the house. They have no kids.

 

Background story: he's 10 years older than me. I'm mid-twenties, he's mid-thirties. We met at work, were good friends who could talk about anything. Things escalated and we couldn't stop. It was just attraction in every aspect. Mentally.. physically. He changed jobs but we still continued with meeting, even for a meal once a week was good enough if it means being able to see each other. Everything was definitely sexually motivated in the beginning. But after 6 months or so into the affair, it's pretty obvious that things had became more than sex. Everything was additionally, emotionally intimate and somehow we thought we could do this forever. (Meeting me and being happy, going home to wife and being happy. Me meeting him and being happy, going home to my life and being happy).

 

Obviously we were blinded and things will not last forever. So now he's bunking at his sister's while trying to salvage his marriage. He has told me that it is not a good idea for us to keep in contact as he is feeling very guilty towards her. I accept that as I do not wish to ask him to give up anything for me (nor do I expect him to.)

 

There is no justifications in this world about being the OW.

 

I am feeling very sorry.. And heartbroken.. And crying ****loads while thinking how can things change overnight. one thing I give him credit for is that he had been forthright since the beginning and have never given me any false promises. Same goes for me. But what one does not expect is how hard it is to break free from these emotional attachments that has took place for someone who genuinely cares for you and might even possible love you..

 

I am heartbroken and in pain and I know I have to suck it up and work on maintaining my own relationship with my partner (I do not want to talk about him here).

 

Had been crying and trying my best to be positive. I feel so bad for playing a part in screwing up his life. Yes he is not without blame but we both went in knowing the consequences. I genuinely believe that he is a decent person. He couldn't stop apologizing to me over the phone when telling me what had happened, at a point as I was crying, I think he started crying too and told me how sorry he is for letting us getting into this in the first place.

 

What can I do? How should I think? I can't tell anyone about this and the wrenching pain of a breakup is killing me. :'(

 

Well, I can relate to the pain you are going through. Although my wife has not found out about my affair. But my AP has decided to put things on hold for many reasons. Even though it was not right how we met and started these things, the feelings and love there is very real, and withdrawal is extremely painful.

[m4p]

If your MM is decent at heart then he will stop calling you to cry and tell you how sad he is and how his marriage is going, because any continued contact with you just prolongs your pain and keeps you hanging on. Many MM continue contact with the OW while they are supposedly working on their marriage and it's because they want to know that the OW is still waiting in the wings should their marriage fail. Their first priority to keep the wife but if that fails then they want to make sure the OW is still an option because God forbid that the cheater end up with nobody.

 

 

Does the MM's wife know he has been having an affair or does she just know that he's been lying about something? If she finds out that there has been an affair then you should seriously consider telling your bf. Once one betrayed partner discovers the affair the chances of the other betrayed partner finding out skyrockets. There was a thread on here not to long ago by a MOW who was certain she didn't have to worry about her husband finding out because although her MM's wife had discovered the affair she didn't think there was any way for the BW to find out who the OW was unless the MM told her and the OW was 100% certain that her MM would never do that. Guess what? He told. Because for most betrayed spouses reconciling the marriage means no more secrets and if their husband wants to continue to protect the OW then the BW won't reconcile. If I were you I would use the next few days to decide if I want to be with my bf or not. If not I would break off the relationship as soon as possible before the sh*t hits the fan.

 

 

Hello and thanks for your insights

 

The call that MM made to me being all sorry and crying was actually the one and only call to end it all. After which we are currently under NC. Well aside from one last email from him telling me how hard is it to not pick up the phone to call/text me but for the sake of everybody and in order to not prolong my pain we will have to try our best with NC. So that's all and I did not reply to his email. It's very very hard not to prolong contact even via email. But that's what I did.

 

His wife does not know about the affair. She only knew he lied about who he was with as someone saw us together during lunch but that's enough to be a deal breaker for her. I can't fault her and I don't even dare to imagine how much pain I caused by being the OW.

 

We walked into this situation willingly knowing that things will blow up one day and it did. So I'll have to face the consequences.

[m4p]

@m4p,

 

I am really sorry for what you are going through. Be strong and keep your head cool and sane.

 

I have a lot of similarities with your story. I know how difficult and confusing it can be.

 

I am completely with bathtub-row about the advice for next steps. Only you know the realities of your relationship and if you have been involved with someone else for 2 years (which is a long time): both you and your boyfriend deserve to find some one with whom this does not happen.

 

As for your MM, needless to say, let him be and do what he wants. This is a good wake up call for you both.

 

Time to pull up your shoes, girl, love yourself, and build a new life you love.

 

Wish you all the best.

 

Thank you so so much. It's only day 4 and I feel like I'm dying. It's gotten oh so slightly better though. But not much.

 

I don't know how to get through this. It's like every waking moment I can't help but wallow and be all pathetic. Will try to get out more and be less of a zombie... At the very least I can be a healthy and fit, gorgeous zombie? Lol....

[m4p]

Well, I can relate to the pain you are going through. Although my wife has not found out about my affair. But my AP has decided to put things on hold for many reasons. Even though it was not right how we met and started these things, the feelings and love there is very real, and withdrawal is extremely painful.

 

Yes I think this is the exact same situation we are going through. I am so sorry and I feel for you truly. You can imagine how painful it is. We know what we did is wrong but we did it anyway. These are the consequences and there is no way out.

 

I always console myself by saying, if we met each other legitimately, who knows it might not even have worked out. What we miss are that bursts of passion and daily lives entwined intimately together. Instead of saying a lover I can even relate it to losing a family. Wishing you best of luck

[Popsicle]

What do you do? Well, you pick yourself up and go on with life. It'll get better.

[m4p]

What do you do? Well, you pick yourself up and go on with life. It'll get better.

 

you know what I think that's what's gonna happen. thank you

[Babs22]

m4p, I am so in touch with your story. I am a MOW having an A with a MM. We just passed the 2 year mark at Christmas. We have not broken up yet, but it is getting to that point. Not because we are discovered, at least I hope that does not happen. Your story is maybe another reason to take the step to end it. Our lives too have become much entwined. He has been my best friend for two years. We exercise together and are now taking piano lessons together. I've never been this connected to anyone, including my husband. Looking back, I can see many reasons why I should not have married my husband. Hindsight.

 

Anyways, bf and I initially spoke of being together. I guess, I always felt like it was highly possible we might end up together. A year ago he told me he didn't know if he'd leave his wife, he wasn't ready to leave her at that point. Another time he told me he couldn't leave her because she still cared about him. It has taken awhile to sink in, but since there is no way we are going to end up together, I don't see a point in prolonging the inevitable. I need to break it off. This weekend, we had a four day weekend off work (we work together) and previously, one day would have been spent with me. This year we spent no time together. He was busy installing a new wood floor in their bedroom. Needless to say this has been a very painful weekend, especially due to Valentine's Day. I understand your tears and pain. I've had plenty.

 

Breaking up won't be easy, I cannot change my work location until June, but I only see more pain in my future if I don't break it off. Two years is a long time and I understand the kind of relationship you have built. I'll be experiencing your pain very soon. Only I will be doing this to myself.

 

Hang in there. Thanks for sharing your story. When I see people making it through the breakup, it gives me hope that I will be able to get through mine. Not planning on staying in my marriage, but circumstances with my teenage son make leaving that difficult at this time. Good luck!

[m4p]

m4p, I am so in touch with your story. I am a MOW having an A with a MM. We just passed the 2 year mark at Christmas. We have not broken up yet, but it is getting to that point. Not because we are discovered, at least I hope that does not happen. Your story is maybe another reason to take the step to end it. Our lives too have become much entwined. He has been my best friend for two years. We exercise together and are now taking piano lessons together. I've never been this connected to anyone, including my husband. Looking back, I can see many reasons why I should not have married my husband. Hindsight.

 

Anyways, bf and I initially spoke of being together. I guess, I always felt like it was highly possible we might end up together. A year ago he told me he didn't know if he'd leave his wife, he wasn't ready to leave her at that point. Another time he told me he couldn't leave her because she still cared about him. It has taken awhile to sink in, but since there is no way we are going to end up together, I don't see a point in prolonging the inevitable. I need to break it off. This weekend, we had a four day weekend off work (we work together) and previously, one day would have been spent with me. This year we spent no time together. He was busy installing a new wood floor in their bedroom. Needless to say this has been a very painful weekend, especially due to Valentine's Day. I understand your tears and pain. I've had plenty.

 

Breaking up won't be easy, I cannot change my work location until June, but I only see more pain in my future if I don't break it off. Two years is a long time and I understand the kind of relationship you have built. I'll be experiencing your pain very soon. Only I will be doing this to myself.

 

Hang in there. Thanks for sharing your story. When I see people making it through the breakup, it gives me hope that I will be able to get through mine. Not planning on staying in my marriage, but circumstances with my teenage son make leaving that difficult at this time. Good luck!

 

 

Thank you for sharing your story. to be completely honest it brought tears to my eyes again as the pain is too fresh.

 

My xMM and I have never dared to speak about the future but it was clear that he cared too deeply about his wife. To quote him during DDay: "We continued because we were so happy and because we thought that as long as nobody finds out, it is okay. but it is not okay".

 

After his wife found out that he lied about his whereabouts, the very very dramatic 2 days it took for him to communicate everything to me was painful and I was crying all day long.

 

I truly understand how you feel. Honestly, i will never have the courage to leave the A if not for this turn of events. xMM and I would probably had been in denial and encased in our little bubble. It is really too naive. To add on, it is really true how our lives were entwined. I too, go to the gym with him regularly (we were colleagues until recently), took almost 1 year of language classes together. It was refreshing to be in "public" and seeing how he interacts with people while thinking "he's mine" among all these strangers.

 

It has took me these few days to slowly come to terms that it is the end and the end for good. Trust me, the things you take for granted will all come flooding back. Sometimes we romanticize it in our heads too, because the fleeting moments together always seemed so good. We don't live together so there really isn't any time to test this relationship and see if it will ever work in real life or not. It is just a dream.

 

I will be very very proud of you if you can take this first step to free yourself from this relationship with your MM. It will hurt no matter what, but at least you are giving yourself a headstart to start afresh.

 

Look at it this way. Imagine you can recreate this love and passion that you have with your MM. BUT with another man who is free to love and accept you for who you are.

 

No more secrecy and hiding around.. no more hearing little things about their domestic lives (installing floorboards in THEIR bedrooms.. having a weekend in watching tv and movies together.. he's fixing HER phone.. etc etc..) that makes you absolutely wanna kill to be the person there.

 

I really hope you have the courage that i didn't have. In a way I am thankful for this situation because I have known that THE END IS INEVITABLE in most of our situations. Sigh...

 

Good luck. *hugs*

[m4p]

Ho ho ho.. I'm going from absolutely optimistic and having a positive mindset (better off without xMM... Living a happy life with no regrets and no waiting next time...) and now back to feeling like crap at every little memories that floods back at every little thing I see, smell, hear.

 

I am set to recover from this but right now I'm crying in my car and hating myself for getting into this situation in the first place.

[janetl]

Hey there m4p,

 

I hope by now you have recovered from morning crying. I have cried so many times, in car, while walking back from work (yes, I am sure someone must have seen me), at work, anywhere. The pain takes you by surprise.

 

But it makes you tougher too. Just take a deep breath and ride over it.

 

As you said, you are going to make through it. I am not sure I am through it myself, but I will be too. Don't hate yourself. You are human. Learn from this and get better. I know you will.