How long does it take to feel normal again

[Ronnie33]

Day 1 of NC

 

For those who have been successful with NC how long did it take before you began to feel human again and they didn't consume your thoughts anymore? I made it 6 weeks once and I missed him the whole time. I want to be successful this time and make peace with it. My anxiety feels so high and he is in my head constantly. I started taking anti depressants again a week ago so hopefully that starts to help also but I just need to get through this.

 

Thanks for listening

[Jessie1231]

It is different for everyone I'm sire. My most recent break up took me about a month to stop crying about, and then another month and a half I think to stop being so angry and obsessing over him. It wasn't easy, but remind yourself that any time you contact him at all starts you over at square one, and that part sucks the most. That kind of thinking got me through it.

[Rainbowlove]

Yes, different for everyone.

 

For me, it's been a long hard road...15 months in.

 

I have really good days. I have really hard days. I have days when I don't feel much at all.

 

For me, it's all part of the "new" normal. I don't think I'll ever be the same person. I don't think I'm meant to go back to that person before she came along.

 

I think how you choose to look at the relationship and the role it played in your life also depends on how quicky we move towards healing and recovery.

 

Remember the stages of grief and expect them to cycle through.

 

Be kind to you during this time. Meds may help in the short term. Try to do things that help you reconnect with who you are. Talk until you are tired of hearing your own voice. Write.

 

It's not an easy journey, but each day brings a new opportunity to learn ways to overcome the pain. Be grateful for the hard moments as well as the easier ones.

 

I'm still walking it...but I was limping for a long time. I can now see progress.

 

Stay strong.

[GoldieLox]

I second what everyone else says, it's different for everyone. It's been especially hard for me because I have to work with him. There was no formal NC request ever made. It just kind of ended one night, and there's a lot of unresolved tension still between us.

 

It does get easier, I promise. I'm a lot further along then I was a month and a half ago. Try and keep yourself busy and distracted. I personally can't stand silence, so I have music going wherever I am. It helps.

[Josmatjes]

Rainbow is right. Good days, bad days and indifferent days. It's definitely a journey.

I know I will never be the same as I was before. I experienced love and pain at the same time. But I'm doing good and going longer stretches without thinking of him. I've convinced myself he doesn't think of me at all and that makes it easier.

The first 3 weeks are hardest....get through that and you can do it.....

[Ronnie33]

Yes, different for everyone.

 

For me, it's been a long hard road...15 months in.

 

I have really good days. I have really hard days. I have days when I don't feel much at all.

 

For me, it's all part of the "new" normal. I don't think I'll ever be the same person. I don't think I'm meant to go back to that person before she came along.

 

I think how you choose to look at the relationship and the role it played in your life also depends on how quicky we move towards healing and recovery.

 

Remember the stages of grief and expect them to cycle through.

 

Be kind to you during this time. Meds may help in the short term. Try to do things that help you reconnect with who you are. Talk until you are tired of hearing your own voice. Write.

 

It's not an easy journey, but each day brings a new opportunity to learn ways to overcome the pain. Be grateful for the hard moments as well as the easier ones.

 

I'm still walking it...but I was limping for a long time. I can now see progress.

 

Stay strong.

 

Rainbow I always love reading your posts because they always come across so honest. I know exactly what you mean when you say it becomes the new norm and you can never go back to being the same person before this. I will never look at myself as the same person I was, I'll always be more jaded and I'll never look at myself the same. I now know what I'm capable of and it was the one thing I always said I wouldn't do. It's almost like losing some kind of innocence in yourself you can never get back once gone.

 

My affair was a year and a half. He had become my best friend and we helped eachother in so many ways. I don't hate him and I don't think I ever can but it just had to end. He would have let it go on and on but I can't anymore. I've been afraid to feel the pain for so long but now I know it's the only way to get through it.

[Ronnie33]

Thanks everyone for your replies. The thought of never talking to him again is the hardest to accept but the thought of going on like this is even harder. It's crazy how these things take over your life. I just want to fast forward a year and be done. I just want to stop thinking about him. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before bed. The radio, tv, clothes so many things remind me of him. I just wish I could block it out.

Edited February 12, 2015 by Ronnie33

[Josmatjes]

Thanks everyone for your replies. The thought of never talking to him again is the hardest to accept but the thought of going on like this is even harder. It's crazy how these things take over your life. I just want to fast forward a year and be done. I just want to stop thinking about him. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before bed. The radio, tv, clothes so many things remind me of him. I just wish I could block it out.

 

It's going to take some time ..be patient and keep yourself busy. Remember who you were before the affair? Try to find that person again. Remember the things you used to enjoy? Go out with friends, watch movies, exercise, read.... Take up a hobby, do something you have been putting off......

 

I know how hard it is, I'm 6 weeks today and I still have moments I miss him but I just get busy..... You can do this! You are a strong woman don't let him beat you!!

[Poppy47]

I can't remember what "normal" felt like a it's been almost 6 years since I met MM.

 

I think the thing is to strive for something different. My belief is that an affair changes everybody forever, in some way.

 

Poppy.

[Pretywoman]

It has been 2 months of NC for me. The first few weeks were of hell.. Then i met someone when i went for vacation. He helps me a lot in being a distraction. It helps..

[RickFox]

Three and a half years later and there are times she still creeps in my mind. No matter what expect peaks and valleys. I had a rough two weeks, missing her, hating her, and now I'm back to whatever normal is, focusing on my life. I think it's such a big experience it will affect most everyone throughout their lives.

[Rainbowlove]

I will never look at myself as the same person I was, I'll always be more jaded and I'll never look at myself the same. I now know what I'm capable of and it was the one thing I always said I wouldn't do. It's almost like losing some kind of innocence in yourself you can never get back once gone.

 

I swear it took me a good year to unravel this piece of the pie. How I viewed myself after my affair is forever changed, and even though it was a humble piece of pie and it hurt like hell to swallow, I'm grateful for the teachings, too.

 

What we are capable of, Ronnie, is being human. That means accepting our flaws and it does't have to define who we are now, nor does it have to define our future relationships.

 

Something I've also had to learn in this process is self-forgiveness and self-compassion. Two major key lessons. I always seemed to hold myself to a higher standard, almost in a self-righteous, cocky way. I judged others harshly for their human flaws (especially infidelity). When it's you who should be judged, it's brutal. Don't beat yourself up too long over it.

 

We all do the best we can with the tools and knowledge we have at the time. It's really that simple.

 

This experience has even given me a deeper sense of compassion, understanding and forgiveness for my parents, who also just did the best they could in life with the gifts and tools they had at the time.

 

We now know better and we can now do better onto ourselves and each other.

 

Peace to you.

[Ronnie33]

So after trying to go NC two weeks ago after an 18 month affair AP text me and we started speaking again. I only saw him once in the past two weeks and today when he asked I said I couldn't. I told him now that I'm leaving my marriage for good I want more and unless he can't give that. He can only see me during his lunch breaks and will never risk seeing me after work anymore and I'm over it. That's when he told me that he doesn't want to risk his relationship but because he cares about me he still does. He said that the next step for his girlfriend and him is getting engaged and it's coming. When I asked him how he could love her, want to marry her and cheat he said because it's me and he wanted me first but I couldn't leave my marriage then and he let himself move on with her but letting go of me is so hard. He said he feels like in another time we were supposed to be together but we waited to long.

 

Hearing him say that he was going to marry her killed me even though I knew it was coming. I just don't understand how he can love her and want to marry her but still not want to let go of me.

 

I know he cares about me but I feel so low and like I lost myself for nothing. Now I'm back at NC and this time I know it has to be. He's marrying someone else and to continue would be pointless. I feel like I will never get over this and why do we always think these guys are so perfect. Anyway I feel like my soul is dying but I had to get it out.

[Josmatjes]

I feel for you. I'm sorry your going through this, he sounds like an awful person.

You are starting the next chapter in your life and you will meet someone perfect for you....

[Ronnie33]

I feel for you. I'm sorry your going through this, he sounds like an awful person.

You are starting the next chapter in your life and you will meet someone perfect for you....

 

Thanks you, The think is he's not a terrible person. He was my friend before the affair and had become my bestfriend during. The friendship is what drew eachother in. He says that's why it's so hard to let go of eachother and I agree. I can't help but blame myself for him moving on because I couldn't leave sooner but then I'm mad for him continuing when he realized he wanted a life with her. I can't get over this feeling of not being good enough and after everything the past 18 months he gets to move on happy and I feel like I'm losing the one person I thought was perfect for me. Ughh I sound so pathetic but I can't help it. My best friend knows us both and said he loves us both but has a life with her. She said he would absolutely continue the affair because he wants both but I can't do it. Now knowing there is no future for us besides this I can't stay.

[Rainbowlove]

Thanks you, The think is he's not a terrible person. He was my friend before the affair and had become my bestfriend during. The friendship is what drew eachother in. He says that's why it's so hard to let go of eachother and I agree. I can't help but blame myself for him moving on because I couldn't leave sooner but then I'm mad for him continuing when he realized he wanted a life with her. I can't get over this feeling of not being good enough and after everything the past 18 months he gets to move on happy and I feel like I'm losing the one person I thought was perfect for me. Ughh I sound so pathetic but I can't help it. My best friend knows us both and said he loves us both but has a life with her. She said he would absolutely continue the affair because he wants both but I can't do it. Now knowing there is no future for us besides this I can't stay.

 

Ronnie, I promise you this emptiness you are feeling will not last forever. I promise you, it won't.

 

There is a lot of work for you to do to heal and move forward from the affair, from the loss of yourself, from the ending of your marriage. All of this, believe it or not, will make you stronger in the end.

 

I know how crippling it feels to lose that person, but I am proof, now 16 months later, that healing is possible. It was absolutely horrible getting here.

 

It was a fight for self everyday. There were many days when I thought, this is pointless, I am never going to be happy again. It's just the healing process of letting go telling us that.

 

You are stronger than you think you are - we all are.

 

You take one day at a time and work on you. You allow yourself to mourn every bit of it.

 

The best part of getting to the place when you feel yourself truly letting go is when you find you again. Honest to god, there is no better feeling than looking in the mirror and going...Hey, I remember you...hello, friend.

 

Peace and strength to you. You will be okay.

[snl]

I wish you all best with NC. Please be strong. Stay 100%. no social media not going to same places etc. Be strict. It's the only cure. Recovery time is depending on you as well.you will not stop thinking of your AP anytime soon but hey that's ok . What matters is not to break NC. What haopened happened but now it's time to help yourself to move on. Keep busy. Do lots of sports. Then it should get better. We all are different but it might take up to 30 days to first of all feel a bit better and another 30 days to actually feel that you moved on. Memory triggers will happen all the time. Accept them but don't look back. Use the time to focus on you. Find new hobbies. After 8 weeks you should be in a much better place. Keep strong. I did it. So can you.

[Ronnie33]

Ronnie, I promise you this emptiness you are feeling will not last forever. I promise you, it won't.

 

There is a lot of work for you to do to heal and move forward from the affair, from the loss of yourself, from the ending of your marriage. All of this, believe it or not, will make you stronger in the end.

 

I know how crippling it feels to lose that person, but I am proof, now 16 months later, that healing is possible. It was absolutely horrible getting here.

 

It was a fight for self everyday. There were many days when I thought, this is pointless, I am never going to be happy again. It's just the healing process of letting go telling us that.

 

You are stronger than you think you are - we all are.

 

You take one day at a time and work on you. You allow yourself to mourn every bit of it.

 

The best part of getting to the place when you feel yourself truly letting go is when you find you again. Honest to god, there is no better feeling than looking in the mirror and going...Hey, I remember you...hello, friend.

 

Peace and strength to you. You will be okay.

 

Thank you,

 

I cried all morning and it felt so different this time, like the end. I spoke with my bestfriend and told her I feel so stupid for allowing this to go on for 18 months for nothing!!! I can't stop replaying everything in my head over the past year. Te times he wanted me to meet his friends, be with him in public but I couldn't. Now here I am and he can't. How could you love two ppl at the same time??

 

I'm always curious Rainbow as to why you went back to your wife if you truly loved your AP and it was so hard for you to leave her? Was it your child or just knowing that it would never work even though you loved AP? I'm just trying to understand. Your words always make me feel better.

 

He text me today to tell me his Dad is in town and surprised him. Why are you texting me that!! Text your girlfriend not me because I can't be your friend anymore.

 

Thank you

Edited February 27, 2015 by Ronnie33

[Rainbowlove]

I'm always curious Rainbow as to why you went back to your wife if you truly loved your AP and it was so hard for you to leave her? Was it your child or just knowing that it would never work even though you loved AP? I'm just trying to understand. Your words always make me feel better.

 

It was a combinations of factors in choosing to end the affair.

 

My son was a huge piece of that. I wanted to and needed to be a full time parent in his life. I felt my XAP had raised her 5 babies and this was something that was hugely important to me. My own mom left me when I was a young child and I couldn't put that on him. I never wanted to be that person to him. I wanted to be his rock 7 days a week.

 

Also, my XAP had to deal with her life after her marriage ended and coming out and leaving the church.

 

I knew her husband would never ever leave her alone and accept who he was with me in the picture. He blamed me for her being gay and for her leaving him. He was really crazy at the time and doing nutty things and threatening to kill himself. I just knew as long as I was in their life, they would never come together and find peace and accept their marriage for 23 years was over.

 

They are now becoming friends again. They have known each other since they were 14. They needed each other to support their new lives and their kids needed them to come together to cope with all the changes in their lives.

 

I also understood that her coming out later in life meant she was just beginning to really live truthfully. And I knew she would want and need other experiences with women. There was no way that I was going to be her first and last lover. I knew that at some point, she'd need to leave me too to really find herself.

 

I also really loved my wife. We had problems like all marriages, but I never tried to work on them with her. I knew the only way I was ever going to be able to fix my marriage was to say goodbye to my XAP.

 

It wasn't easy to leave her, but I truly felt it was the right thing to do for everyone involved - including her, her XH, and her kids.

 

I explained all of this to her before I ended it and she fought me on it. I explained it to her again after I ended it and she was enraged by it.

 

But...in our last correspondence (Dec), she admitted she was angry to hear me say all the reasons why it needed to end, but can now say it was the right thing to do for her and her family, too.

 

My ending it was never about not loving my XAP. I want her ultimate happiness in life and I believe by letting her go, she can truly find that.

[Rainbowlove]

He text me today to tell me his Dad is in town and surprised him. Why are you texting me that!! Text your girlfriend not me because I can't be your friend anymore.

 

Sounds like you are going to have to be the strong one to let go fully and move on.

 

Why haven't you blocked his phone number?

Edited February 27, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[Eagle's-bargain]

Rainbow is right.

 

Good days, bad days and indifferent days. It's definitely a journey.

 

I know I will never be the same as I was before.

 

I experienced love and pain at the same time.

 

But I'm doing good and going longer stretches without thinking of him.

 

I've convinced myself he doesn't think of me at all and that makes it easier.

 

The first 3 weeks are hardest....get through that and you can do it.....

 

^^^^^^^^^^^

THIS!!!!

 

NC is not an overnight process.

It's not something that's "ON DEMAND". You can't plug and and play "no contact" like a videogame. Anyone with a soul, even a tainted one will tell you that. It lingers and it hurts. If you aren't thinking this way and everything is crystal clear after 1 day or 2 months, you have no empathy whatsoever.**

 

Even if the MM/MW thinks of you, and you KNOW this. It doesn't matter, because if the A is over, and they're not with you right now*, they do not care.

 

Feeling normal again?

The relationship wasn't normal. The process to get there wasn't normal.

There was something that wasn't normal before the affair. The only days it feels normal for me is when I can laugh at myself about it. For every other day there is beer.

 

*Some affairs end and the affair goes into actual dating, and possibly marriage. This of course is messy business (see divorce).

 

**I often wonder about the MW/MM who are the WS. Do they actually feel bad? Do they really empathize with anyone after hurting their spouse? Why did they have to cheat first instead of just ending it? Why did they take the time to cultivate a relationship on the outside only to have more drama and bull**** and pain.... I don't get it.

[Pinklotus]

Um...because he's a cake-eater? Because he wants the attention of two women? Because he likes hot sex with you?

 

There are many reasons, and none of them are good. Be glad you're done with this guy. First class user who made you believe he really cared, so that his needs and wants could be satisfied. Start getting angry with the fact that you've been used. It will help you to move on and pick the right man next time!

 

So after trying to go NC two weeks ago after an 18 month affair AP text me and we started speaking again. I only saw him once in the past two weeks and today when he asked I said I couldn't. I told him now that I'm leaving my marriage for good I want more and unless he can't give that. He can only see me during his lunch breaks and will never risk seeing me after work anymore and I'm over it. That's when he told me that he doesn't want to risk his relationship but because he cares about me he still does. He said that the next step for his girlfriend and him is getting engaged and it's coming. When I asked him how he could love her, want to marry her and cheat he said because it's me and he wanted me first but I couldn't leave my marriage then and he let himself move on with her but letting go of me is so hard. He said he feels like in another time we were supposed to be together but we waited to long.

 

Hearing him say that he was going to marry her killed me even though I knew it was coming. I just don't understand how he can love her and want to marry her but still not want to let go of me.

 

I know he cares about me but I feel so low and like I lost myself for nothing. Now I'm back at NC and this time I know it has to be. He's marrying someone else and to continue would be pointless. I feel like I will never get over this and why do we always think these guys are so perfect. Anyway I feel like my soul is dying but I had to get it out.

[Pinklotus]

You need to block him!!! He doesn't get to call and tell you special news anymore. In order to do that, he has to make you the one and only. And since he's not willing to do that, it's bye bye!!!!! Block him for good.

 

Thank you,

 

I cried all morning and it felt so different this time, like the end. I spoke with my bestfriend and told her I feel so stupid for allowing this to go on for 18 months for nothing!!! I can't stop replaying everything in my head over the past year. Te times he wanted me to meet his friends, be with him in public but I couldn't. Now here I am and he can't. How could you love two ppl at the same time??

 

I'm always curious Rainbow as to why you went back to your wife if you truly loved your AP and it was so hard for you to leave her? Was it your child or just knowing that it would never work even though you loved AP? I'm just trying to understand. Your words always make me feel better.

 

He text me today to tell me his Dad is in town and surprised him. Why are you texting me that!! Text your girlfriend not me because I can't be your friend anymore.

 

Thank you

[Ronnie33]

Sounds like you are going to have to be the strong one to let go fully and move on.

 

Why haven't you blocked his phone number?[/

 

I don't know, I erased him on fb and haven't met with him in a week but blocking him is so hard.

[Ronnie33]

Um...because he's a cake-eater? Because he wants the attention of two women? Because he likes hot sex with you?

 

There are many reasons, and none of them are good. Be glad you're done with this guy. First class user who made you believe he really cared, so that his needs and wants could be satisfied. Start getting angry with the fact that you've been used. It will help you to move on and pick the right man next time!

 

I appreciate your honestly but it's not sex because we never had it, it was a PA minus sex. When this started we wanted to be together and the feelings were very real but I couldn't leave my marriage at the time. I was just as guilty as cake eating. Now the roles are reversed and I'm left feeling so hurt but it was as much my fault as his. Affairs are nightmares.