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How often do they try to come back?


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I've noticed that a lot of the threads I read from ow,the mm always tries to come back into the picture. How often does this happen?

I feel I've done the push pull thing a lot but never rekindled anything...

 

I'm not planning on restarting anything, but I'm just wondering if this is common....the mm coming back to you? And why?is it because they are still unhappy at home....

Or the mm really moving on....And does he actually do this?

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Well in my situation - it has been on/off for over 4 years. Our affair started at work. We worked together for 11 years before anything happened. A year and a half after the affair started he left the company. I figured it would be over even though we didn't really discuss it. I went NC and figured he would just move on. Within a month he was contacting me. We kept it to friendly/professional emails for 4 months, until he asked to take me to lunch. Bad idea. Then we had a few months here/there over the last 3 years where I attempted NC without really discussing it with him. Failed miserably. When he would finally reach out I would fold.

 

They always comeback if we let them. When this first started, I told him we needed to stop and that lasted all of 3 weeks before he was pulling me back in. He told me "he was trying" and that when I said 'no more' and actually meant it he would let me go. So he set the tone early that he wasn't going anywhere unless I really pushed him too. And of course I'm still in this thing with him.

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I'm just wondering if this is common....the mm coming back to you? And why?is it because they are still unhappy at home....

 

IME, it depends; each man is different, as are his feelings about, and motivations for, an affair. I think, in my case, it was more about finishing business and, once business was finished I moved on, permanently. I could see traction for unfinished business being a potent motivator; unresolved feelings, ambiguities, etc, etc.

Or the mm really moving on....And does he actually do this?

 

Depends on the man. Some of us move from lover to lover, some exit our marriages to be with our lover, some remain married and end things with our lover, some end the marriages and never see the lover again. I found the healthiest thing for myself was the last option. Said goodbye to both and have been far happier since as a single man. Frankly, women are too much work for what they've brought into my life and I simply don't have the stomach for the games anymore. So, I also think it's better for them. I've had interactions with MW's since my divorce and I simply steer them away and back to their M's whenever possible. Affairs really don't resolve anything, IME. Personal work does.

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When we were working together and I said we needed to stop, he would play the "lets at least try to maintain the professional friendship for the sake of work" card. Which after working together 11 years we did seem to fall back into how we were before pretty well. Well that lasted about 3 weeks and then he started the subtle flirting and would find ways to be alone with me in a room and the wandering hands would start. Then when he left the company, after 4 months of strictly emailing where it was kept friendly/professional he asked to meet me for lunch. Met and of course he reeled me back in with his charm. But I only blame myself because I have the voice to say no and "mean it" and I don't use it.

 

So bottom line - they will always come back around in some form or another if WE allow it.

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Mine has never stopped flirting and trying. He has moments when he goes quiet, but then he lets me know that his desire is still there.

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Blu said it. They will always come back in as long as the woman allows it. Every man is different. Some (some, but few) may actually be torn between their wives and their affair partners. Some just want that ego boost, some want variety, some like the chase, most are just horny.

 

It's been over a month and mine chose not to come back. I'd like to think it's because he had a shred of respect for me and heard the conviction in my voice when I ended it, but I'm guessing it has something to do with him instead. The whole thing was always about him anyway.

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Mine came back immediately - it is frustrating.

 

Forcing NC was a lot of drama, I tried telling his wife a few times - more drama -

 

(people on here said it was not my place / cruel to contact her, but frankly if I was her I would want to know he is totally not respecting NC... however really it was more stressful than just letting him do whatever he wants and politely ignoring it on my end. So I am not going that route again).

 

I think he wants to get caught again and again until he is thrown out - so he can say they ended it because she didn't stick with him long enough during reconciliation and claim it is not his fault things didn't work.

 

I don't think she is going to do that though, I don't think she wants to risk being alone. So could be a long ride.

 

I am in a better place mentally if I just take his calls, talk nice, then carry on with my day. So I will continue to do this and try to meet someone single in the meantime.

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In my experience, the mm has always come back. Sometimes, almost immediately. One time over the summer, he came to my house that day, to "help my H with something.

 

I was always so far into the A emotionally, I always came back. Another time, after H and I went on a nice vacation to vegas, he texted me the day I was leaving. ....purposely, so he would be in my head. Of course, I texted him when we got back.

 

Because I always came back and didnt block him, he never took NC seriously. Like anither poster said "they will always come back if we allow them".

 

This time, im not allowing him to come back. Ive blocked him except for my phone because I'm afraid it will show up on my bill, because I have to do it thru the phone company.

 

I think its all an ego boost for them. They know we are hurting and they come back to give us a glimpse of hope, only to pull back again. And each time gets harder and harder.

 

This is probably a good question for the men to answer. Because I have no clue what goes on in these mens minds.

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Blu said it. They will always come back in as long as the woman allows it. Every man is different. Some (some, but few) may actually be torn between their wives and their affair partners. Some just want that ego boost, some want variety, some like the chase, most are just horny.

 

It's been over a month and mine chose not to come back. I'd like to think it's because he had a shred of respect for me and heard the conviction in my voice when I ended it, but I'm guessing it has something to do with him instead. The whole thing was always about him anyway.

 

Don't get me wrong - he would definitely not come back if I asked him not to and enforced it. Yes he intially pursued me hardcore and still does when he feels me slipping away, but he doesn't have a gun to my head. When I step back and really analyze this, I realize just how in control of this thing I could be if I just stopped the insanity. He is here up in my thoughts/feelings everyday because I allowed it. Plain and simple. And as long as I make it easy for him to be there he won't go. It ends with us.

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I think it also shows how selfish they really are. My mm is finding ways to weasel his way into my head, by texting H more now then ever and a few other things. At first i thought, maybe he still cares about me. Ha. Now I realize all he cares about his himself and has absolutely no respect for me or my wishes for NC.

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Jesuischarlie

When I say goodbye and he really thinks I mean it., then he changed course. So far I've let him come back and it's what we both wanted. This fifth time's been the hardest as he appears to have forgotten things he told me... Maybe due to lying so much to BS?

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I think it also shows how selfish they really are. My mm is finding ways to weasel his way into my head, by texting H more now then ever and a few other things. At first i thought, maybe he still cares about me. Ha. Now I realize all he cares about his himself and has absolutely no respect for me or my wishes for NC.

 

I wanted to responded to both your comments.

 

First, hope for what? What are you wanting from him that your looking for hope?

 

Secondly, your MM is wreckless and he will get you caught if he doesn't flat out tell your husband. You think he is playing mind games and this is all about you, I think he is guilty and looking for a way to ease that guilt and also using your husband to gauge what's going on in terms of you confessing. I doubt what he is doing has anything to do with you.

 

As crude and rude as this sounds, there was a saying when I was growing up "always keep her around if she is willing to get down". Men will rarely go dark on a woman that will let him in whenever he wants. That fox will always be close to the hen house.

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HappyAgain2014

I told my XMM's wife about the affair. Guaranteed NC when it's clear additional contact is not welcomed and will be passed along to his wife.

 

Giving a xMM a response or meeting only invalidates an OW's proclamations of wanting NC. That's a nice way of saying they won't take you seriously.

 

Done is done. NC is such an odd term. When a relationship ends, it's typically referred to as done, over, etc. NC is a term many OWs use for playing games. Never works, mostly because it was intended to be a game from the start. Problem is... The MM knows it.

Edited by HappyAgain2014
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I told my XMM's wife about the affair. Guaranteed NC when it's clear additional contact is not welcomed and will be passed along to his wife.

 

Giving a xMM a response or meeting only invalidates an OW's proclamations of wanting NC. That's a nice way of saying they won't take you seriously.

 

Done is done. NC is such an odd term. When a relationship ends, it's typically referred to as done, over, etc. NC is a term many OWs use for playing games. Never works, mostly because it was intended to be a game from the start. Problem is... The MM knows it.

 

Yes this.

 

Too often its used as a manipulation tool to get MM to step up, or spur him on. Then as soon as he reaches out OW/MW falls right back in. It causes her to obsess, wonder and over think her way right back into the affair.

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I wanted to responded to both your comments.

 

First, hope for what? What are you wanting from him that your looking for hope?

 

 

 

Secondly, your MM is wreckless and he will get you caught if he doesn't flat out tell your husband. You think he is playing mind games and this is all about you, I think he is guilty and looking for a way to ease that guilt and also using your husband to gauge what's going on in terms of you confessing. I doubt what he is doing has anything to do with you.

 

As crude and rude as this sounds, there was a saying when I was growing up "always keep her around if she is willing to get down". Men will rarely go dark on a woman that will let him in whenever he wants. That fox will always be close to the hen house.

 

 

To answer your first question, at the time, I was "hoping" he was going to tell me he was going to find more time to be alone with me.

 

2nd, like I stated in my post, this is not about me. Its about him, being selfish. I know hes not trying to get me back, he doesnt give a rats arse about me. I do believe thats why he's been contacting H more, to see if ive confessed or not. I must admit, it does make me want to tell H that he had emailed and texted me, but im afraid it might open up a can of worms. I just want him out of both our lives forever. I know the only way it will happen is if H finds out.

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To answer your first question, at the time, I was "hoping" he was going to tell me he was going to find more time to be alone with me.

 

2nd, like I stated in my post, this is not about me. Its about him, being selfish. I know hes not trying to get me back, he doesnt give a rats arse about me. I do believe thats why he's been contacting H more, to see if ive confessed or not. I must admit, it does make me want to tell H that he had emailed and texted me, but im afraid it might open up a can of worms. I just want him out of both our lives forever. I know the only way it will happen is if H finds out.

 

Husband doesn't necessarily need to find out. Nikki just needs to specifically tell him to never call their house again.

 

I just really wanted to know if these guys just keep trying to have the affair?

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Husband doesn't necessarily need to find out. Nikki just needs to specifically tell him to never call their house again.

 

I just really wanted to know if these guys just keep trying to have the affair?

 

Of course they do. This isn't quantum mechanics.

 

Given that you nor he has had any consequences, he will continue to have moments with you, if you allow it.

 

What's your payoff in all of this?

 

You love him, you hate him. You love your BH, you hate your BH.

 

Rinse repeat...

Edited by Lurkeraspect
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  • 2 weeks later...
When we were working together and I said we needed to stop, he would play the "lets at least try to maintain the professional friendship for the sake of work" card. Which after working together 11 years we did seem to fall back into how we were before pretty well. Well that lasted about 3 weeks and then he started the subtle flirting and would find ways to be alone with me in a room and the wandering hands would start. Then when he left the company, after 4 months of strictly emailing where it was kept friendly/professional he asked to meet me for lunch. Met and of course he reeled me back in with his charm. But I only blame myself because I have the voice to say no and "mean it" and I don't use it.

 

So bottom line - they will always come back around in some form or another if WE allow it.

 

It has been nearly 3 months of NC. I doubt he would ever come back even if i allow him..

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How many men keep coming back once they are SURE there is NO MORE SEX to be had. Probably a very small percentage .

Every person is surely different but you read very few stories about men being unable to stick to NC who are NOT still interested in sex and truly want to remain friends. Very few men ruin what is left of their marriage by continuing to break NC and being in the fog .

Just go to this forum and count the number of threads by men pining away because they miss their soulmate . Virtually non existent .

So I think it was NIkki who said " they will keep coming back as long as you keep letting them in". That is the answer in a nutshell

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curiousGeorge2

I will not try to get back if it will hurt ow. But I miss her terribly and wonder how she is doing ("still get that stomach pain?"). And it has been 5 months.

 

Actually I am not looking for sex if we meet again. A friendship is not based on sex but on chemistry and understanding.

Edited by curiousGeorge2
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I am in no contact for nearly 3 months. I would be the happiest person if he ever attempt to reach out to me. But so far there isnt any signs of that. So this doesnt apply to me..**upset** #likelynochanceatall

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I am in no contact for nearly 3 months. I would be the happiest person if he ever attempt to reach out to me. But so far there isnt any signs of that. So this doesnt apply to me..**upset** #likelynochanceatall

 

Stop hoping for him to reach out. You will never move on! You have to forget him now and move on with your own life. I've been NC for nearly 5 weeks but as much as part of me would love nothing more than to hear from my ex-AP I know it would only be temporary happiness and then I'd be back at square one.

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Stop hoping for him to reach out. You will never move on! You have to forget him now and move on with your own life. I've been NC for nearly 5 weeks but as much as part of me would love nothing more than to hear from my ex-AP I know it would only be temporary happiness and then I'd be back at square one.

 

I agree...I'm 7 weeks and as much as I would love him to reach out, it won't give me complete happiness. I'll just be back to square one.it would be too devastating again.

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I am in no contact for nearly 3 months. I would be the happiest person if he ever attempt to reach out to me. But so far there isnt any signs of that. So this doesnt apply to me..**upset** #likelynochanceatall

 

No you won't be the happiest person. Trust me! I just found some emails from my xAP that got sent directly into my trash bin, that he sent nearly everyday last week. You have no idea how tempting it is to contact him. But I wont because I know if I do, I may be happy for a week or so, until the emotional affair drama cycle starts all over again and I'm back to square one minus a million.

 

For your sake, I hope your xap doesnt contact you. Because if he does, the pain & confusion you are feeling now, will just be multiplied.

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