Should I tell my husband?

[Frienddrama]

Not sure if anyone remembers me from this passed summer...I have another thread that I posted but to make a long story short- I am married and started developing feelings for a friend that we've known for a few years who is also married. We never physically acted on it but had a couple close calls and he ended it at the end of the summer...my husband considers him one of his best friends, and our families are very close.

Since he's ended it (which is hard because we never texted/called/met on our own, the connection we had was developed in front of our spouses through dinners,hanging out at night (we are neighbors) etc..it has been extremely akward because there has been a very clear and obvious avoidance on his part. My husband is starting to pick up on things and question why he and his wife are being distant. We had a key to their house and theve gone as far as to change the locks.

I completely understand and agree with OMs actions however i have my husband who is wondering why his friend is acting so distant. OM never told me if he told his wife. She still acts pretty much the same around me with thr exception of a few incidents where she had been standoffish. The other day I approached him when we were both outside and said I feel like things are akward and he said I'm just being neurotic and walked off....through this whole thing he had never wanted to talk about it..he handles stress by shutting down and running from problems..so I have no idea where things are at between his wife and i, and the 4 of us in general. I feel like I need to tell my husband everything but the fact that we are all friends and neighbors makes it complicated going forward.

Is it fair to tell my husband and not tell OM that I'm doing so? I just wish if he did tell his wife he would have at least given me the heads up so I know how to handle things on my end with my husband.

I'm over everything just because I see the immature way he has gone about handling everything and feel like I've been thrown under the bus and realize I don't want anything like that anyway. Things between my husband and I hAve been so much better and I feel like if I did tell him he would completely get it and we can move forward...I just don't know exactly how to tell him without making it be akward between he and OM and also the 4 of us.

thanks ahead for any input.

[Satu]

I would tell him.

 

Better to lose a friendship than a life partner/husband.

[ComingInHot]

Most ow don't want anything to do with knowing about their mm's Wife so it's weird to me that you'd think yourself 'privy' to this information.

 

Maybe think about what you want to have happen in the future of your M and act accordingly without giving mm a second thought, just like he has done with you?.?.

CiH*

[Frienddrama]

I understand that most people wouldn't care about the MMs wife but in my situation the 4 of us are friends and neighbors , he isn't someone I work with...the 4 of us are always all together so of I knew that she knew,it'd be much easier to tell my husband...and feel like we are all on the same page of knowing what the situation became....like I wish we could move forward with everyone knowing.. yes, there were feelings,no, they weren't acted on, let's all throw this under the rug and move forward with it not being akward and work on our marriages..maybe I'm being delusional..

[GoldieLox]

From the sounds of it, things already sound completely awkward. You might as well tell your husband so you can try and move past it. The silver lining is that at least you didn't physically act on it... could've made things about 96x worse.

[ComingInHot]

If you hadn't said it.... yes, you are being delusional. So you must decide for yourself how you want your marriage to continue.

Best of luck. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. It would eat me alive!

CiH*

[whichwayisup]

I'm guessing he threw you under the bus and he told his wife you made a pass at him and have a crush on him, you chased him and he said no to you, so the only way to get you to stop is to back off completely. Then he (they) chose to handle it by distancing themselves from you and your husband as to not make waves and create neighbourhood drama and gossip.

 

Tell your husband what happened, that you allowed yourself to get too emotionally attached and had an EA. Sooner or later your husband IS going to ask them what is up and why they are ignoring you two.

 

I assume it was an EA or did you two kiss?

[DKT3]

I'm guessing he threw you under the bus and he told his wife you made a pass at him and have a crush on him, you chased him and he said no to you, so the only way to get you to stop is to back off completely. Then he (they) chose to handle it by distancing themselves from you and your husband as to not make waves and create neighbourhood drama and gossip.

 

Tell your husband what happened, that you allowed yourself to get too emotionally attached and had an EA. Sooner or later your husband IS going to ask them what is up and why they are ignoring you two.

 

I assume it was an EA or did you two kiss?

 

This..

 

He made you into a bit of a stalker after him and he rebuffed you.

[Frienddrama]

Whichwayisup- yes I am thinking that is probably what he said to her. No, there was nothing physical with thr exception of a few flirty things, but he verbally expressed wanting to do more (read passed post)...lucky we have will power, let's just put it that way..I think I am ready to tell my husband. Does anyone think it'd be possible to keep a civil friendship between the families? I honestly think when I tell my H, he will get it because he has seen the connection and probably already knows, he could be just waiting for me to come Clean on my own

[ComingInHot]

Highly doubtful. Lines have been crossed. But maybe your H will be able too, you won't know until you speak with him.

CiH*

[DKT3]

Whichwayisup- yes I am thinking that is probably what he said to her. No, there was nothing physical with thr exception of a few flirty things, but he verbally expressed wanting to do more (read passed post)...lucky we have will power, let's just put it that way..I think I am ready to tell my husband. Does anyone think it'd be possible to keep a civil friendship between the families? I honestly think when I tell my H, he will get it because he has seen the connection and probably already knows, he could be just waiting for me to come Clean on my own

 

Nope to the friendship.

 

It feels like your trying to convince yourself that hubby will be understanding. I'm not saying he won't, I'm saying you maybe should expect a much harsher reaction.

[Frienddrama]

So if that is the case, if he told his wife that way, should I do the same and thow him under the bus? Because technically any physical contact or verbal passes were initiated by him..

[DKT3]

So if that is the case, if he told his wife that way, should I do the same and thow him under the bus? Because technically any physical contact or verbal passes were initiated by him..

 

Nope, you should tell the truth, so when it all comes out its his wife standing there looking foolish and your husband already has the information....I thought you said there was no physical contact?

[Frienddrama]

Stupid physical flirty contact like he grabbed my waist, started playing footsies when we were sitting at the patio table, there was a pool incident where he was overly flirtatious, grabbed my a$$ etc...HE being the one that started everything. Then the next day he says let's forget about last night..

there was also a night where he gave me a hug and then kissed my forehead, like a "I want more but I can't have it" type of kiss.

[Mal78]

Tell your husband. I read your previous post and it sounds like you have invested and continue to invest way too much emotion into this.

 

Do you feel MM has rejected you? Has this been somewhat bothersome?

 

MM didn't invest much into you other than some physical flirtations and some unrealistic sexual ideals. You, obviously has invested so much more.

 

Yes he threw you under the bus because he sensed your obsession over what he may consider nothing and he feared you might be unpredictable or a loose cannon.

 

This needs to be exposed, I also don't think it would be unreasonable if everyone can sit down together and talk about it. Give some assurances and discuss if a friendship is realistic after all of this.

[beach]

I understand that most people wouldn't care about the MMs wife but in my situation the 4 of us are friends and neighbors , he isn't someone I work with...the 4 of us are always all together so of I knew that she knew,it'd be much easier to tell my husband...and feel like we are all on the same page of knowing what the situation became....like I wish we could move forward with everyone knowing.. yes, there were feelings,no, they weren't acted on, let's all throw this under the rug and move forward with it not being akward and work on our marriages..maybe I'm being delusional..

 

Let's face it - you were not being her friend by flirting with her husband. She may now know.

 

Decide what's best for your husband - if he would benefit from knowing what you're capable of doing with his friend then tell him.

 

Take the consequences if you tell. And if you tell be honest about how you participated - lay no blame on the OM.

[whichwayisup]

Let's face it - you were not being her friend by flirting with her husband. She may now know.

 

Decide what's best for your husband - if he would benefit from knowing what you're capable of doing with his friend then tell him.

 

Take the consequences if you tell. And if you tell be honest about how you participated - lay no blame on the OM.

 

Yes, she should own her part in it and MM (he's not OM, OM are single) should be blamed as well. She and MM are BOTH responsible for their flirtation/ego feed game, crossing lines etc. THEY created this uncomfortableness. He may have made some bold moves, and she certainly reacted and allowed it to continue.

 

NO friendship can happen after this. Other than a neighbourly hello and a quick chat on the street, that's it. it would be selfish and unfair to continue the friendship. How would your spouses feel? Trust has been shaken.

[gettingstronger]

Yes, tell your husband- I think eventually it will come out anyway and if it comes from the OM, it will be with his spin which is probably not good- then you will be fighting against that-

 

For me, I think I would want to hear you own your part too- and I think what would upset me is that you held it in too long-you will need to address that part of it-

 

Just thinking out loud, but I think I would want it to go something like this-

 

OM came on to me and I know I should not have but I responded, I know it was hurtful to our marriage and I regret not telling you the minute it happened-etc... let your H decide the next step and be prepared to honor that be it talk with the neighbors or cut them out totally-

 

For me, as a BS, I feel better when my H acknowledges the damage done to our marriage, the breach of trust-

 

I think flirting happens, I think its hard to talk about with your spouse, I think you stepped over the line with your neighbor but I also think its not a deal breaker and yes, your relationship with your neighbor will never be the same, but I do think its something you can all work through

[Frienddrama]

Thanks, gettingstronger. I probably haven't conveyed MMs side as much as I was trying to keep my posts quick and to thr point but he was definitely vested like i was as far as the feelings go, he just never wanted to talk about it.

I'm definitely not the only one to blame in the game..in may have obsessed more about it but that is a natural reaction for women in general I think. He played thr game just as much as I did. I feel like since he was the one that cut it off, he should have told me how things will be going forward as we will be seeing them, since we are neighbors! when he ended it he kept saying I want to be your friend and that he and my H and I are too good now friends to them to mess things up. Just thr way he's handling it now by complete avoidance makes me not know how to handle everything. Doesn't help that are kids are super close. He shuts down rather than talking it through. If my H didn't know him it'd be a lot easier to do this.

[gettingstronger]

No, I totally get what you are saying but regardless of who started it, you did not honor your marriage by ending it- that is what will bother your husband-its a tricky situation for sure, but as a BS, at least in the beginning all I wanted to know was- what was my husband role in this and what was he going to do to change himself- the other stuff will come later- the starting point is what is going on between you and your husband- I would not have wanted to talk about the "others" at the very start- all in due time-

 

Good luck-

[Blu72]

I guess I am confused, were you intimate? Did you have an emotional affair? It sounds like just flirting here and there and it was never talked about outside of the few incidents.

[the_artist_1970]

Thanks, gettingstronger. I probably haven't conveyed MMs side as much as I was trying to keep my posts quick and to thr point but he was definitely vested like i was as far as the feelings go, he just never wanted to talk about it.

I'm definitely not the only one to blame in the game..in may have obsessed more about it but that is a natural reaction for women in general I think. He played thr game just as much as I did. I feel like since he was the one that cut it off, he should have told me how things will be going forward as we will be seeing them, since we are neighbors! when he ended it he kept saying I want to be your friend and that he and my H and I are too good now friends to them to mess things up. Just thr way he's handling it now by complete avoidance makes me not know how to handle everything. Doesn't help that are kids are super close. He shuts down rather than talking it through. If my H didn't know him it'd be a lot easier to do this.

 

So you think MM should have more allegiance to you rather than his wife? You are either delusional or you have a misplaced sense of entitlement.

 

You are acting like he owes you something. You should distance yourself and your H from this couple and learn how to strengthen your boundaries and work on being a better friend to the next woman you meet. You say he started it. He could not have started anything unless he knew you were "that kind" of woman. Most men wouldn't even try that with a woman who was close to their W unless they knew the OW was "that kind" of woman. I say tell your H because he is your life partner.

[Mrs. John Adams]

First....I think you should remove the "other" family from your life entirely. No need to explain it to them...just stop socializing with them entirely...if that means moving...then move. You cannot play with fire....if you have had feelings for this man....continuing a relationship with him on any level is impossible....especially from your husbands point of view.

 

I think you should be honest with yourself about your feelings and desires for the OM as well as those for your husband.

 

I think you should read this book....how to help your spouse heal from your affair.....so that you are prepared to do the RIGHT things regarding your husband. I think you should tell your husband about your feelings for the OM.....i think you should tell him the ENTIRE truth...all at one time..no trickle truth, no leaving out the ugly parts. Whether or not you have physically cheated...you certainly have emotionally cheated and that issue has to be dealt with honestly...even if you decide or your husband decides to divorce. It still has to be dealt with.

 

I am afraid for you..because i know how it feels to confess. It is terrifying...because you know that your whole world as you know it could end. If you still love your husband...and are committed to making your relationship work...he needs to hear that from you. Be prepared for his reaction....he will be devastated at best...angry, sad, frightened, all at the same time.

[Furious]

I understand that most people wouldn't care about the MMs wife but in my situation the 4 of us are friends and neighbors , he isn't someone I work with...the 4 of us are always all together so of I knew that she knew,it'd be much easier to tell my husband...and feel like we are all on the same page of knowing what the situation became....like I wish we could move forward with everyone knowing.. yes, there were feelings,no, they weren't acted on, let's all throw this under the rug and move forward with it not being akward and work on our marriages..maybe I'm being delusional..

 

Gently....you're not friends, if he was your husband's friend he wouldn't have been playing footsie with you, and if you were his wife's friend you wouldn't be lusting after her husband.

 

Also, you've involved your children into this "friendship" and are neighbours, which is a powder keg waiting to explode.

 

Do you really think this is rational?

 

You seem to be more concerned about being rejected by your almost affair partner than relieved it has been nipped in the bud before any consequences you may have gone through.

 

instead of worrying about what's going on with your "friends" distancing themselves from you. Perhaps you need to focus on "why" you were willing to be a part of potentially destroying two families for what seems like a school girl crush.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Gently....you're not friends, if he was your husband's friend he wouldn't have been playing footsie with you, and if you were his wife's friend you wouldn't be lusting after her husband.

 

Also, you've involved your children into this "friendship" and are neighbours, which is a powder keg waiting to explode.

 

Do you really think this is rational?

 

You seem to be more concerned about being rejected by your almost affair partner than relieved it has been nipped in the bud before any consequences you may have gone through.

 

instead of worrying about what's going on with your "friends" distancing themselves from you. Perhaps you need to focus on "why" you were willing to be a part of potentially destroying two families for what seems like a school girl crush.

 

Bravo!!!!! Well said!