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After an affair has ended ,is there always one partner who is more hurt? And how do some people seem to move on so easily?or does it just seem that way?

 

I am still struggling w nc and doing well but I'm just curious if only one person goes through this pain? Does the other partner even think of them?

 

I also think that the one who initiated the affair is the one who gets over it fastest?

Because even though I am moving on,I am still hurt, I just put up a wall and try not to think of it anymore...

I'd really like to hear from mm and mw on their affairs and what their take is on all of this?

Thank you

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After an affair has ended ,is there always one partner who is more hurt? And how do some people seem to move on so easily?or does it just seem that way?

 

I am still struggling w nc and doing well but I'm just curious if only one person goes through this pain? Does the other partner even think of them?

 

I also think that the one who initiated the affair is the one who gets over it fastest?

Because even though I am moving on,I am still hurt, I just put up a wall and try not to think of it anymore...

I'd really like to hear from mm and mw on their affairs and what their take is on all of this?

Thank you

 

This is the way I see it, pain is pain. Doesn't matter if you are the MM/MW/OW/OM - pain is pain.

 

We all grieve until we stop grieving and it takes as long as it takes, unfortunately.

 

I remember the early days of NC very well. I couldn't eat, sleep, work and take care of my DS. There's still hurt for me, but I measure it to the early days and can see my progress.

 

I distracted myself from the pain early on and kept myself very busy, but eventually we have to deal with it to move forward.

 

It's okay to hurt. Try to see the pain as a positive step forward towards healing.

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When my affair first started MM was the pursuer. When I tried to end it a few times it was really hard for me. I think he was hurt just based on some of the things he would say and do. Obviously we ended up back in this thing, and I think when it finally ends which I am trying to work toward, he will be hurt but not as bad as I will be. I think he will pick up the pieces and move on. That's why it's so hard, the not knowing. And this is why people fail at NC because they get wrapped up in the idea that they are wanting to know if the other person even cares. Hang in there.

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people fail at NC because they get wrapped up in the idea that they are wanting to know if the other person even cares. Hang in there.

 

Some of this ^^^^^

 

And....

 

I think many of us fail at NC b/c we can't handle the pain of knowing it's goodbye forever. We want to feel better and having contact temporarily eases the pain (not really).

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After an affair has ended ,is there always one partner who is more hurt? And how do some people seem to move on so easily?or does it just seem that way?

 

I am still struggling w nc and doing well but I'm just curious if only one person goes through this pain? Does the other partner even think of them?

 

I also think that the one who initiated the affair is the one who gets over it fastest?

Because even though I am moving on,I am still hurt, I just put up a wall and try not to think of it anymore...

I'd really like to hear from mm and mw on their affairs and what their take is on all of this?

Thank you

 

Hi, I'm a MW who had a short A with a MM (mostly an EA but with some make out sessions). I hate to tell you that 18 months post A and complete NC, I still wonder how he "really" felt. The good news is I don't care. I still wonder but I don't care. Most As end messily, abruptly or both. I also think men, in general, are better able to compartmentalize than women. So, when the A ended, I suspect (but don't know) he was able to get over it a little faster because I was in a compartment (picture a box) that he could put in storage.

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GreySkyMorning
Hi, I'm a MW who had a short A with a MM (mostly an EA but with some make out sessions). I hate to tell you that 18 months post A and complete NC, I still wonder how he "really" felt. The good news is I don't care. I still wonder but I don't care. Most As end messily, abruptly or both. I also think men, in general, are better able to compartmentalize than women. So, when the A ended, I suspect (but don't know) he was able to get over it a little faster because I was in a compartment (picture a box) that he could put in storage.

 

I remember thinking when it ended that it was easier for him because I was only a small part of his life, while he WAS my whole life.

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I imagine it must be harder for a single OW/OM than it is for a MW/MM. But in the end it's hard for everyone I suppose. Some people are stronger than others and handle the breakup easier.

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I remember thinking when it ended that it was easier for him because I was only a small part of his life, while he WAS my whole life.

 

I kind of felt the same way...but my husband is very passive and never yelled or anything and I am very busy and I have a lot of outlets.

He doesn't have the same situation as mine...his home is more volatile and he doesn't really have any family ( like parents /siblings ) so I always thought it would be harder on him. During our whole affair, he was the emotional one, not me. Weird how things turn out...

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I imagine it must be harder for a single OW/OM than it is for a MW/MM. But in the end it's hard for everyone I suppose. Some people are stronger than others and handle the breakup easier.

 

I feel like it's easier for the single OM/OW because they can go out and date and find someone new to help them move forward and heal their hurt heart.

 

The MM/MW is still in the marriage, there's nothing new about it. But what the heck do I know?

 

Hurt is hurt.

 

My XAP is single now. I imagine her dating and moving on faster than I am.

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I feel like it's easier for the single OM/OW because they can go out and date and find someone new to help them move forward and heal their hurt heart.

 

The MM/MW is still in the marriage, there's nothing new about it. But what the heck do I know?

 

Hurt is hurt.

 

My XAP is single now. I imagine her dating and moving on faster than I am.

 

I guess I never thought about it that way but you are right. I guess it just really depends on the person and situation. All I know for sure is it's going to be devastating for me and I'm scared of going thru that much pain.

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I feel like it's easier for the single OM/OW because they can go out and date and find someone new to help them move forward and heal their hurt heart.

 

The MM/MW is still in the marriage, there's nothing new about it. But what the heck do I know?

 

Hurt is hurt.

 

My XAP is single now. I imagine her dating and moving on faster than I am.

 

I agree.... When you are the mm or mw, you have to kind of hide your true feelings. I feel like I bottle so much inside of me.

Whereas the single op can pretty much go out and date or whatever..

Well, like you said before, pain is pain!

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I agree.... When you are the mm or mw, you have to kind of hide your true feelings. I feel like I bottle so much inside of me.

Whereas the single op can pretty much go out and date or whatever..

Well, like you said before, pain is pain!

 

 

Totally agree too. Its so hard to hold back all hurt. I have to wait until I get in the car or make sure no one is around to start crying. H or my kids sees me cry, I have to make up an excuse.

 

If your MM was the emotional one, I bet hes suffering just as much or maybe more then you. You are doing great though! Hang in there!

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I think the beginning makes it easier for MM, as they can just sit back into their lives without interruption. And at least they have some distractions, especially for those that really aren't in a completely horrible situation with their Ws.

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I think it's hard to answer that question because every one is different. The pursuer had their own reasons for starting the affair, the ender had their own reasons for stopping it. One person always hurts worse in the end though, absolutely. Regardless, I do know one thing. Wondering what the xAP thinks is going to drive you batty. We're all guilty of it, don't get me wrong. But we all know it's not healthy.

 

To answer the question for my own specific situation, I don't believe my xMM was hurt when I ended it at all. He didn't have any feelings for me. He could just go back to his perfect like and pretend this never happened.

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After an affair has ended ,is there always one partner who is more hurt? And how do some people seem to move on so easily?or does it just seem that way?

 

I am still struggling w nc and doing well but I'm just curious if only one person goes through this pain? Does the other partner even think of them?

 

I also think that the one who initiated the affair is the one who gets over it fastest?

Because even though I am moving on,I am still hurt, I just put up a wall and try not to think of it anymore...

I'd really like to hear from mm and mw on their affairs and what their take is on all of this?

Thank you

 

 

I have no doubt that I am the one who is more hurt. I'm the OW. I was the one who initiated the affair. NC started almost 2 years ago (by my MM) and I'm still not over him. I still go thru pain at times. I really believe I am traumatized for life.

 

I haven't been on this site for long, but there is something I don't comprehend. Many people on this site who are the OW are able to be the person who initiates NC. In my case, losing my MM was impossible to even think about, let alone have to go thru it. I truly believe I loved him (and still do) and the only thing I can come up with as to why so many of the OW can end their relationships is because they didn't actually love their MM and only thought they did which is why they had the strength to actually try to end things. I wasn't lucky enough to have that.

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I haven't been on this site for long, but there is something I don't comprehend. Many people on this site who are the OW are able to be the person who initiates NC. In my case, losing my MM was impossible to even think about, let alone have to go thru it. I truly believe I loved him (and still do) and the only thing I can come up with as to why so many of the OW can end their relationships is because they didn't actually love their MM and only thought they did which is why they had the strength to actually try to end things. I wasn't lucky enough to have that.

 

No, these OW who ended their affairs were tired of hurting, tired of being the OW, tired of sharing, tired of the roller coaster ride. They realized they loved themselves MORE and put themselves first. I'm sure if you ask any ex OW on here if they still love their exMM, the answer will be yes.

 

It does take strength and courage to end the affair but once you're (general you) not afraid of feeling pain, facing and dealing with it head on, get counseling if need be, you go on and live again.

 

It's a choice Missing..Either you decide you don't want to hurt anymore, decide to let go and then you start living your life again, make it a happy one. You're choosing NOT to let go, reliving every single moment with MM over and over again. It's been two years yet you post like all this pain is fresh and it happened yesterday.

 

I wish you strength to let go and find peace soon.

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Missinghim, I was going to reply to your post but I think whichwayisup summed it up perfectly. Many of us reached a point where we just couldn't do it anymore. We were sick and tired of being sick and tired. Emotionally, there was just nothing left because we were drained. The only way to start healing was to go NC and end it. I respectfully suggest that you don't say that an OW who ended it and went NC must not have loved her MM- that is absolutely not the case. For once, we just decided to love OURSELVES first.

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Missinghim, I was going to reply to your post but I think whichwayisup summed it up perfectly. Many of us reached a point where we just couldn't do it anymore. We were sick and tired of being sick and tired. Emotionally, there was just nothing left because we were drained. The only way to start healing was to go NC and end it. I respectfully suggest that you don't say that an OW who ended it and went NC must not have loved her MM- that is absolutely not the case. For once, we just decided to love OURSELVES first.

 

But you didn't love your MM, right? Or that's what you've always claimed.

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But you didn't love your MM, right? Or that's what you've always claimed.

 

Correct. As I look back on the whole thing I think there was a minimal level of feelings there, but it definitely wasn't love. I was using "we" as a collective pronoun for the other women on the board. Obviously I'm aware I can't speak for every last one. My statement still stands though regardless of whether an OW loved their MM or not. When you choose to end it, you choose to put yourself first.

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I have no doubt that I am the one who is more hurt. I'm the OW. I was the one who initiated the affair. NC started almost 2 years ago (by my MM) and I'm still not over him. I still go thru pain at times. I really believe I am traumatized for life.

 

I haven't been on this site for long, but there is something I don't comprehend. Many people on this site who are the OW are able to be the person who initiates NC. In my case, losing my MM was impossible to even think about, let alone have to go thru it. I truly believe I loved him (and still do) and the only thing I can come up with as to why so many of the OW can end their relationships is because they didn't actually love their MM and only thought they did which is why they had the strength to actually try to end things. I wasn't lucky enough to have that.

 

Not in my case... I loved him with all of my heart. It ripped me apart to be without him and I'm still heartbroken.but I have to get on with life and move on.

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No, these OW who ended their affairs were tired of hurting, tired of being the OW, tired of sharing, tired of the roller coaster ride. They realized they loved themselves MORE and put themselves first. I'm sure if you ask any ex OW on here if they still love their exMM, the answer will be yes.

 

It does take strength and courage to end the affair but once you're (general you) not afraid of feeling pain, facing and dealing with it head on, get counseling if need be, you go on and live again.

 

It's a choice Missing..Either you decide you don't want to hurt anymore, decide to let go and then you start living your life again, make it a happy one. You're choosing NOT to let go, reliving every single moment with MM over and over again. It's been two years yet you post like all this pain is fresh and it happened yesterday.

 

I wish you strength to let go and find peace soon.

 

I agree with Whichway, I love my MM with all my heart. I have never loved anyone this way, not even my H. I do feel like MM and I just click, but it does hurt to be in an affair. Times when you cannot be together because they have to be with W. For instance, they go on a cruise together every year. That hurts. It is definitely a roller coaster ride. My friend is also an OW. Thank God we found each other. We help each other keep our sanity. We both talk about the need to make ourselves happy. Neither of us have gotten to the point of being sick and tired of being down and depressed when we are alone. It is often an impossible situation. I have thought of leaving my MM because in the end, I cannot imagine him ever leaving his wife, and at times the roller coaster ride seems to much to bare. I have still not ended the relationship, because it does take incredible strength to leave someone you love so very much. If I do end the relationship, I have no doubt that I will be the one who hurts the most.

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I agree with Whichway, I love my MM with all my heart. I have never loved anyone this way, not even my H. I do feel like MM and I just click, but it does hurt to be in an affair. Times when you cannot be together because they have to be with W. For instance, they go on a cruise together every year. That hurts. It is definitely a roller coaster ride. My friend is also an OW. Thank God we found each other. We help each other keep our sanity. We both talk about the need to make ourselves happy. Neither of us have gotten to the point of being sick and tired of being down and depressed when we are alone. It is often an impossible situation. I have thought of leaving my MM because in the end, I cannot imagine him ever leaving his wife, and at times the roller coaster ride seems to much to bare. I have still not ended the relationship, because it does take incredible strength to leave someone you love so very much. If I do end the relationship, I have no doubt that I will be the one who hurts the most.

 

Are you sure about that statement? A disscussion for another topic.

 

In GENERAL, women suffer far more pain in affairs ending. Women don't compartmentalize emotions as well as men. Its really a major factor in the roller coaster that MW and OW talk so much about. A MM is most of the time full of $h!t, some times he believes and feels truly what he says he does when he is with you, however when he is with his wife those feeliing don't seem as strong.

 

MW in GENERAL also has to a great deal of damage to their marriage and change their view of their husbands to engage in an affair. Doing this creates a NEED to make it worth something. To cause all the pain and fallout on their husbands and children has to be because it for this great guy that she has such a strong connection with, one she has never felt before.

 

I quoted Goldie earlier because it kinda proves my point. The more distance she gained the less appealing MM became. She is no longer taking the risk to be with MM and that glue that bonds cracked allowing her to start to see MM for what he truly is.

 

In fact this entire thread proves my point. There are very few threads that I've found of MM however in the few that I've found, men simply don't trash their wives the way that husbands get trashed here. Men simply create a different reality when with OW, one that he can walk away from and close the door allowing him to just carry on with his married life because there is no need to rebuild the image of his wife, he continued to hold her high. Alarmingly many MM don't hide that fact from OW.

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I quoted Goldie earlier because it kinda proves my point. The more distance she gained the less appealing MM became. She is no longer taking the risk to be with MM and that glue that bonds cracked allowing her to start to see MM for what he truly is.

 

In fact this entire thread proves my point. There are very few threads that I've found of MM however in the few that I've found, men simply don't trash their wives the way that husbands get trashed here. Men simply create a different reality when with OW, one that he can walk away from and close the door allowing him to just carry on with his married life because there is no need to rebuild the image of his wife, he continued to hold her high. Alarmingly many MM don't hide that fact from OW.

 

It's amazing what you start to see clearly once you do put some distance between yourself and the situation and start to screw your head on straight.

 

I'd just like to add for the record that not every OW trashes their husband. Not only did I never speak a bad word about my H to xMM, I rarely ever spoke about him at all, and he rarely ever spoke about his wife. I think there was an unspoken agreement that they were both off-limits.

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No, these OW who ended their affairs were tired of hurting, tired of being the OW, tired of sharing, tired of the roller coaster ride. They realized they loved themselves MORE and put themselves first. I'm sure if you ask any ex OW on here if they still love their exMM, the answer will be yes.

 

It does take strength and courage to end the affair but once you're (general you) not afraid of feeling pain, facing and dealing with it head on, get counseling if need be, you go on and live again.

 

It's a choice Missing..Either you decide you don't want to hurt anymore, decide to let go and then you start living your life again, make it a happy one. You're choosing NOT to let go, reliving every single moment with MM over and over again. It's been two years yet you post like all this pain is fresh and it happened yesterday.

 

 

I wish you strength to let go and find peace soon.

 

 

A million times YES to the above post.

 

It was because I loved him so much that it became too difficult.

 

An affair was a choice in the beginning, not a committed relationship, such as a marriage.

 

It is the OW's choice often to leave something that gets to much to bear.

 

I had not promised to be around until death parted us and could see no reason to continue being unhappy and ruining my life, while he maintained his life quite happily.

An affair is a ****TY deal for everyone.

 

Poppy.

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...while he maintained his life quite happily.

 

...An affair is a ****TY deal for everyone.

 

Except as your two comments above demonstrate, OW usually get the much shtier end of the stick.

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