How To Break The Cycle (Without Going NC)

[missannoyed]

I was wondering if any of you have advice on how to break the cycle with MM and remain being platonic friends? Can it be done? Is it possible?

 

 

Thoughts on Why do MM's do this in the first place????

 

What are your thoughts and theories on why this occurs? I'm confused. Would love to hear an MM's opinion on this one

 

Is it....

 

Option A.) He genuinely misses you, contacts you, wants to be with you, but when things get too serious... He puts on the breaks because he feels guilt, ignores you, minimises your expectations down.

 

Option B.) he's not getting any attention from the W, or anyone else that is around at the time, gets horny, contacts you for an ego stroke, and when you show you have feelings for him, bails because it is a turn off.

 

Option C.) Is hot when your ignoring him and civil but turns cold when you show affection because he likes the chase and what he cannot have.

 

 

Mine and MM's continuous Cycle.

 

- complains that he would rather be friends, and quit the cycle so we can stay friends forever. Blames me for getting demanding.

 

- I agree, and accept to only being friends, act civil, speak sometimes, remain proffesional

 

- Then he becomes demanding when I act neutral, pouring on the affection and emotionally supportive comments. Things like "I think of you more than I blink", I was thinking of you on New Years, you and I are like an old married couple, your the one.

 

- I then resist. Remain neutral, eventually cave. And become affectionate to him as well. Which he calls "demanding" (he makes me demanding, and then blames me for it)

 

- says he realises its his fault for saying lovey dovey emotional things and flirting with me, and that he needs to stop doing it, but he never does.

 

- He then puts the breaks on, acts like we're strangers/acquaintances, acts like its ALL one sided.

 

- I get upset and emotional at him for acting like we're strangers

 

- He says, he'll call me, doesn't, ignores me for weeks and gets angry and says I'm too demanding, and we need to stop and just be friends

 

- I accept, on the condition we don't flirt and remain professional.

 

He blames me for the continuous cycle we're in, we're both trying to figure out ways how to break it so we can remain being platonic friends. We both analyse it and try to stop it, yet it continues.

 

I want to remain friends with him. But neither of us can stick to the plan.

 

I don't want to be with him, but I get annoyed when he's never available.

 

When he needs me as a friend. I'm there. No questions asked

 

When I need him, he's "too busy" or "dealing with his W and kids" he says.

[GirlStillStrong]

Here's how it stops: Someone in this arrangement grows up and takes responsibility for stopping it. I will bet you my house this will not be him.

 

You need to stop examining his motives, his words, and his actions and start focusing on YOURs. Don't assign fault or blame, leave the dramatics for soap opera stars and accept that this relationship does not work. Stop trying to fix it and focus on the important things on life, which I can assure you is not a relationship in any form with a married "man."

[Poppy47]

He sounds like he needs a good whack around the ears.... what a baby.

 

Poppy

[Jesuischarlie]

It's the result of juggling two lives.

[still_an_Angel]

It needs to stop from your end. When he starts flirting, or being affectionate again, remain neutral and professional. He keeps going back and forth because he can't seem to give you up. I really don't know if its possible to be friends with an xAP, seems too hard with all that history, plus if it was a forced separation, how can you not reach out as a lover?

[bathtub-row]

The last time xMM took me to dinner, he invited me to his hotel room afterward. I turned him down. The next day, he told me how smart I was for doing that. The truth is, I'm not going to be in a relationship where I'm not allowed to have expectations so I turned him down because I knew that if we continued the 'on again, off again' stuff, I was going to end up hating him. He and I are on loose terms as friends but I will tell you that we have become more and more distant over time.

 

All I can tell you is that you have to see past the immediate temptation and understand that as soon as you give in to him, all the insanity will start again. He has a proven record for conning and deceiving you. Every time you say it's over but end up falling into his arms again, you've proven to him that your word means nothing. Men love to test wonen and see how far they can push them. Once they realize you're willing to compromise your standards, they lose respect for you. He's never going to stop this game. It has to be you to do it. Once you see him as a guy who just likes to toy with you, hopefully you'll stop sleeping with him.

 

The truth is, I wouldn't consider a person like this a good friend. For whatever my xMM did to me, he never lied and led me on the way this guy is doing. You should be the one who loses respect for him.

[missannoyed]

Thanks guys. I completely agree with you, I know I need to grow up and stop this. This is all so immature.

I hate the person I've become. And I would never want to be with him, because of the significant age gap, and the way he treats me when we're intimate.

 

We both value each other as friends too much to go NC though, but we're both trying to figure out ways how to go back to the start and just be good mates.

 

Can you guys help me write a final text to him??? Not an NC text but a, lets get this stupid cycle under control type text....

 

(I'm not good with explaining my thoughts into words so I'll just write dot points)

 

This is what I've got so far....

 

I was thinking of writing something like.

 

Well it usually goes like this:

a.) you wanting attention when everyone else is either unavailable or ignoring you, and/or you have nothing better to do so you contact me for a brief flirt/ego stroke.

b.) I try to remain friendly, ignore you for a bit, which makes you slightly demanding....

c.) I stupidly fall for your fake flirting and become mega demanding

d.) which makes you get all hostile and bitchy, which

e.) makes me throw a tantrum

f.) which makes you ignore me haha

e.) and then we get over it and eventually try to be friends again.

 

You can either;

- stop flirting with me

- stop saying anything emotionally supportive

- keep our conversations professional and friend like

 

Or I'f you can't do that, I will

- not take anything you say seriously

- not read too much into your meaningless banter

- I'll tell you when your being inappropriate

- I will change the subject when you say bad things about your wife

- I do not merely exist on this planet to be your ego stroke when everyone one else is either ignoring you or unavailable.

 

Thing is, I want to explain all this without coming across like some overly emotional bunny boiler.

 

I don't want him in a romantic way, and vice versa, we just can't stop ourselves around one another.

 

I just need to find a way to tame, and ignore my feelings and desires like he does. I don't want to lose him as a friend. We were friends first.

 

Ugh hating the person I've become. But don't want to go NC. I just want the feelings to go away.

 

Its ridiculous we just sit around and blame each other for the feelings.

He talks to me more when I ignore him

But I always give in for some reason

He is juggling two words.

But I probably wouldn't even want him if I could have him.

I'm so messed up.

[missannoyed]

I know sitting around analysing his motives is pointless.

 

I want him to explain this to me. I'm going to ask.

 

I will call him tomorrow and ask,

 

Do you just see me as an ego stroke or are your off again on again feelings some what genuine. He's very honest. Too much so he is blunt.

 

If he tells me yes. I will stop caring about him for good

I'f he says no, I'll just figure out a way with him that we can remain friendly without crossing the line.

 

The thing is. I get hurt even as a friend when he's too busy and doesn't have time for me. I love spending time with him.

He i intrigues me with his weird and honest conversations and I make him laugh, I love the dynamic of our friendship. He's the only guy I feel comfortable with, like I can talk to for hours without getting bored or feeling awkward.

 

It's just sad because he has some limited time for me.

I'm like option 3 or 4 for him

While he's probably my option 1 or 2.

[missannoyed]

Like for example, right now, I have the urge to text him.

 

But right now he's at home with his W and kids and I don't want to get him into trouble by texting or calling even as a friend.

 

And texting him during the day is a no go.

I used to work with him so I know how hectic and full on the job is, in construction, so I can't talk to him then either.

 

It kills me, because the only time we have to catch up or call each other is 5pm - 5:30pm - those 30 minutes where he picks up his kids from school. Sometimes even less time then that.

 

I don't blame him. He's not strategic or playing games with me on purpose. I'm priority 4 to him and I'm fine with that. His older and has a family.

I'm a somewhat young and lonely single girl that only feels comfortable with him.

 

I've tried dating. I don't like guys my own age. I don't like clingy men.

Him and I have a very strong connection and such a strange and strong dynamic that it will never end.

 

Sometimes I get sad though, because I think to myself, if I were to accidentally die some day would he even attend my funeral? Or if by chance I somehow met the guy of my dreams and got married (unlikely) but would be even attend my wedding? I don't know. Probably not.

 

I just want to call him now.

But if I do he'll back away more. This is the worst.

[missannoyed]

How could I possibly go NC. As gay as this sounds he's become like the voice in my head. If I see something funny I think, what would *greg* think about this, oh can't wait to tell him this or that.

 

I'm pathetic I know.

 

Why does he only talk to me when I'm ignoring him or being neutral through? Why does he do that. It's like he enjoys me treating him like s!<|>

 

He complains about his wife treating him badly but maybe that is the the reason why he is with her in the first place. Quite the narcissist.

 

I know everyone will be like you need to go NC etc etc. I know that. Easier said than done. But how does one do that? It's not that simple for me.

a.) I have no willpower b.) we have a strong connection.

 

I do need to get off my soap box now and go and do something productive to keep my mind off him. Ridiculous.

[bathtub-row]

You're actually missing the point. There's absolutly no need to text anything to him. Men understand only by action. If you don't reply back to his provocative texts, then he knows you're not playing into his game. If you only send back a brief comment, he'll still figure out that something has changed. If you just laugh it off when he makes advances, again, he'll clue in.

 

We women just love communication on all levels - talking, writing, texting, blah, blah, blah -- whatever. And that's why so many of us miss the mark with men. They're not into the conversations and talk that sounds only like words. The fact that you're agonizing over what to say to him tells me that you're still not centered. Because once you become centered, you don't need to run your mouth, nor do you feel the need to explain. One of the best things you can do is just make your decision, make the deal with yourself, and then DROP IT. End of story. If he asks you why you won't sleep with him anymore, just look at him like he's stupid and say, "You know why." He'll probably shrug and think to himself, "Huh, she actually means it this time. Well, I guess I deserve that."

 

For me, a big part of the motivation was so that I wouldnt end up hating xMM. I really valued his friendship and still talk to him occasionally. I still value the frienship, but I've also moved on. The two of you wont stay friends if you don't stop this merry-go-round.

[DKT3]

I'm just confused because this guy is a D I C K.

 

30 minutes a day, and you honestly think your important to him

[missannoyed]

Thanks bathtub that really hit home.

 

Not important enough as his

1. Kids

2. Wife

3. Job

 

So yeah i guess I'm priority 4.

 

But that's ok because I only want to be friends with him.

If he left his wife and said lets be together tomorrow I'm probably like like nah.

 

But bath tub, you're correct. When I just respond in short answers and take ages to reply, he chases me more...

 

But still I'm going insane not being able to to talk to him as a friend atleast

 

He said he would call me last Friday, still hasn't called.

 

So, your saying I should just ignore him and briefly reply?

Last time I did that he bombarded me with texts.

 

But it just hurts, that after 3 years, I still have to make myself wait a few hours to respond to get him interested. It's so immature.

 

I guess I'm just conflicted.

 

Ok so I shall ignore him and look for a single guy.

 

But I lose interest with single men my age. That, and I don't feel comftable with them, like their so generic. They can't hold interesting conversations, and most older guys that are single are either married or have a few skrews missing.

[Blu72]

Well it sounds like this guy, besides being married, also has a few screws missing. How do you have interesting conversations when you maybe talk 30 min whenever he isn't busy? He's not friend material, I would go complete NC with this guy.

[missannoyed]

I don't know what to do anymore. I should probably get therapy lol

 

I know this weird thing with a guy twice my age is just wrong on all levels.

 

I'm too embarrassed to talk to any of my friends about this

 

It feels quite therapeutic talking to you all here.

 

I've got commitment issues, I'm just scared I'm going to end up old and alone.

 

I'm addicted to the chase, and younger guys just don't do it for me.

 

If they are interested to start with I'm not.

 

I guess I just like the security of an older man. Someone that has experience in life that can guide me in the right directions when I make silly decisions as usual.

 

I just don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

 

I wish I could just be normal and find a guy my own age, without the need to be a destruction home wrecker. I just don't know how to go about changing.

[GirlStillStrong]

Thanks guys. I completely agree with you, I know I need to grow up and stop this. This is all so immature.

I hate the person I've become. And I would never want to be with him, because of the significant age gap, and the way he treats me when we're intimate.

 

We both value each other as friends too much to go NC though, but we're both trying to figure out ways how to go back to the start and just be good mates.

 

Can you guys help me write a final text to him??? Not an NC text but a, lets get this stupid cycle under control type text....

 

(I'm not good with explaining my thoughts into words so I'll just write dot points)

 

This is what I've got so far....

 

I was thinking of writing something like.

 

Well it usually goes like this:

a.) you wanting attention when everyone else is either unavailable or ignoring you, and/or you have nothing better to do so you contact me for a brief flirt/ego stroke.

b.) I try to remain friendly, ignore you for a bit, which makes you slightly demanding....

c.) I stupidly fall for your fake flirting and become mega demanding

d.) which makes you get all hostile and bitchy, which

e.) makes me throw a tantrum

f.) which makes you ignore me haha

e.) and then we get over it and eventually try to be friends again.

 

You can either;

- stop flirting with me

- stop saying anything emotionally supportive

- keep our conversations professional and friend like

 

Or I'f you can't do that, I will

- not take anything you say seriously

- not read too much into your meaningless banter

- I'll tell you when your being inappropriate

- I will change the subject when you say bad things about your wife

- I do not merely exist on this planet to be your ego stroke when everyone one else is either ignoring you or unavailable.

 

Thing is, I want to explain all this without coming across like some overly emotional bunny boiler.

 

I don't want him in a romantic way, and vice versa, we just can't stop ourselves around one another.

 

I just need to find a way to tame, and ignore my feelings and desires like he does. I don't want to lose him as a friend. We were friends first.

 

Ugh hating the person I've become. But don't want to go NC. I just want the feelings to go away.

 

Its ridiculous we just sit around and blame each other for the feelings.

He talks to me more when I ignore him

But I always give in for some reason

He is juggling two words.

But I probably wouldn't even want him if I could have him.

I'm so messed up.

Annoyed, hon, you do not need to explain ANY of this to him. He already knows all of it. You are analyzing the hell out of it so that you can try to find a way to make it work. I understand why you are doing this because this is exactly what I do, and have done my entire life. But let me tell you, a couple of years ago I learned that this causes you much more stress than you realize. It's also neurotic, meaning, you care too much, feel too much guilt about ***** you have no reason to feel guilty about.

 

He will take everything you say to him and use it to his advantage. Why, you ask? Because that is the kind of person he is. Now stop looking for evidence to the contrary and just trust me here; this married "man" is a bad apple, has a character disorder, something is wrong with him. He is NOT friend material, no matter what you think you will be getting out of a "friendship" with him. And I bet "let's be friends" was HIS idea. Do you really have time to be friends with this leach? Because you know he is a leach, don't you? He is sucking the life out of you and making you hate yourself. Dump him.

 

Stop beating yourself up. You are beating yourself up because you KNEW this was not something you wanted to be involved in but you allowed someone to lead you down this dark, disgusting path, because you trusted him and you thought he was honestly going to be with you when all the while he was full of ***** and feeding you BS in order to get his rocks off. Do you really want to continue being some married guy's means of getting his rocks off?

[missannoyed]

He does have a few skrews missing Blu.

Perhaps that's why we're so attached.

I think I just have the personality type where I want to fix people like that. It can't be helped. I'm trying to change.

 

I almost went NC, considering my New Years resolution was to give up all addictions, he was on that list....

 

I don't think I'm even a fraction as strong enough as the OW on this form. I can't go NC.

 

I've tried about 20 times in the past.

 

I went a whole year and a half without speaking to him, then caved in mid last year. It's a joke.

[GirlStillStrong]

I know sitting around analysing his motives is pointless.

 

I want him to explain this to me. I'm going to ask.

 

I will call him tomorrow and ask,

 

Do you just see me as an ego stroke or are your off again on again feelings some what genuine. He's very honest. Too much so he is blunt.

 

If he tells me yes. I will stop caring about him for good

I'f he says no, I'll just figure out a way with him that we can remain friendly without crossing the line.

 

The thing is. I get hurt even as a friend when he's too busy and doesn't have time for me. I love spending time with him.

He i intrigues me with his weird and honest conversations and I make him laugh, I love the dynamic of our friendship. He's the only guy I feel comfortable with, like I can talk to for hours without getting bored or feeling awkward.

 

It's just sad because he has some limited time for me.

I'm like option 3 or 4 for him

While he's probably my option 1 or 2.

Yes, I understand completely. Same thing here. But don't you realize that what he is doing is, instead of spending the time and energy he has to pay attention to his wife, and therefore better his relationship with her, he is spending it on you (intermittently) because that is just how he relates? And that he will do the same thing to you? He may blame her and bitch and moan about her but that is only to justify his actions, his cheating. He is not a good guy.

[GirlStillStrong]

How could I possibly go NC. As gay as this sounds he's become like the voice in my head. If I see something funny I think, what would *greg* think about this, oh can't wait to tell him this or that.

 

I'm pathetic I know.

 

Why does he only talk to me when I'm ignoring him or being neutral through? Why does he do that. It's like he enjoys me treating him like s!<|>

 

He complains about his wife treating him badly but maybe that is the the reason why he is with her in the first place. Quite the narcissist.

 

I know everyone will be like you need to go NC etc etc. I know that. Easier said than done. But how does one do that? It's not that simple for me.

a.) I have no willpower b.) we have a strong connection.

 

I do need to get off my soap box now and go and do something productive to keep my mind off him. Ridiculous.

You are NOT pathetic! You are normal. You just want a normal, loving relationship with a person of the opposite sex, and he is exploiting that! You DO have willpower and please understand you are using magical thinking to convince yourself that he is the only one for you. He probably started doing this and you fell for it. I got smart to this about 17 years ago and cannot believe how many guys use this.

[missannoyed]

Thanks GirlStillStrong, that made a lot of sense but was hard to hear, very accurate I know you're correct.

 

I guess I find comfort in knowing he's just as messed up, weird, and overly honest as I am, it's hard for me to connect with 98 percent of people.

 

And when I find someone in that two percent, I guess I don't care if their married or not and don't want to let go.

 

I really don't want to end up alone one day because I spent most of my years chasing unavailable people.

 

It's like my childhood version of myself would be so disappointed with who I've become. But I can't find a connection with anyone else like I have with him (wow that sounds lame)

 

Sometimes I wish I had an OW friend to talk to by phone, I told one of my friends about him and she's judged me ever since (fair enough too)

 

He's early 40's I'm early 20's I never imagined myself liking someone like him its weird and gross, but on the other hand, we click so well, the way we communicate... We just bounce off each other so naturally. I can't find anyone else like that. And doubt I will be able too.

[Sub]

Maybe figure out what it is you don't like about "clingy" men, see if it applies to you, and try to make some changes within yourself. You can't control his actions, and all the planning or dialogue about how you want it to go with him will most likely be futile, IMO. So focus on yourself. Why are you so clingy, yet you can't be with guys your age who exhibit the same traits? (Aside from the fact that I think your guy picker is a little off. Not all younger guys are clingy.)

[missannoyed]

I've never thought about It that way before maybe he does exploit that.

 

He said he would be with me if he were single, but he can't continue things with me because his married and feels guilty...

 

He reckons the only hobbie or thing that he has is being a family man, and I've managed to mess up the one thing his good at.

 

My guy picker is way off, but do we have control over those things? "The heart wants what it wants" haha.

 

It's like he has two different brains. The "I'm married I'm going to avoid you brain" and the "I miss you, can't live without you brain".

 

I know its not all about the ego for him. He did cry when I quit my job and said goodbye. Tried to hide it.

 

But - HOW to compartmentalise like MM do?

 

I feel like if I could switch my feelings on and off and blow hot and cold like he does, we may have a chance at being friends.

[missannoyed]

I have this theory that OW are addicted to the highs and the lows. I mean the highs wouldn't exist without the lows.

And what goes up must come down.

Finding a well balanced relationship wouldn't be as good but it wouldn't be as bad either I guess.

 

It's just changing the way of thinking

Is the hard part.

[missannoyed]

He told me the last time he had s e x with his wife was 2 years ago.

He's a brutally honest type person. So i know its true.

I would just hate to think he uses me for that reason, and for an ego stroke.

 

I wish I could just ask him all this tomorrow, but its kind of an awkward and deep conversation to bring up.

 

Maybe you guys are right. Maybe I should just go NC.

I know I'll either get lonely or drunk dial him though.

 

Ok I guess I'll just ignore him from now on and text him once in a blue moon.

 

I would hate to thing of him being like this with another girl that's not his W though. Makes my stomach turn.

 

I don't want to be someone he gets his rocks off too haha he did say I float his boat and he thinks I'm stunning. But it's always him mentioning looks, nothing else.

 

I feel caught in between two worlds here. I think he actually has driven me insane a little bit over time... lol

[missannoyed]

If I'm frustrated with wanting to text or call him but knowing its too late at night

 

I have no idea how I could survive another NC.

 

Someone, one of you, needs to write a book on how to get through NC.

 

I would purchase it.

 

I should be normal and join something like tinder. But talking to a normal single guy my own age wouldn't cut it, I'd get bored and uncomfortable that I'd rather just sit here alone with my wine and think of him. Hm