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D-Day - My Story


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Hi... I haven't posted for some time but I've been reading through this forum throughly for the last year.

 

I've been involved in an affair for the last year. My MM did not live with his wife but with his Mum. He always told me he officially stayed with his wife because of their young son but they did not get along at all. He always stressed how much he loved his son and she would limit contact with him and that he was not ready to not see his son so often and that he came before anything else. I thought I guess that's fair enough.

 

We used to text most of the day and I would feel like I was walking on air. I couldn't wait to see him. I ached for it. We used to see each other a few times a week or sometimes every other day. He stayed at mine and we would have the most amazing sex that would last for ages. It was so passionate. It never got boring or old. We would snuggle for the night and he would leave for work in the morning. I was.... I am so much in love with him. I do admit looking back that I can see sex was a massive part of our relationship.

 

This Tuesday it all blew up in my face..... I received lots of missed calls and a text from his wife demanding that I spoke to her. She claimed to know where I lived and worked. She had found an email receipt of something he'd sent me. He had to confess something but it was far from the truth.

 

I left work and I called her back. I was in panic. I found myself protecting MM somewhat. I said that I had chased him. I tried to minimise the damage by lying. She asked me if I loved him and I said I did but that he didn't love me back. MM had always said she was a loose cannon and I would be in trouble if she ever found out. The first thing out of her mouth was an insult followed by "You're in trouble". I managed to end the call. I can't even remember how. MM called me as soon as he left.... He apologised to me & thanked me for what I had said. In the phone call she had also declared that they got on well and just the previous night.. they had been to a hotel. They didn't stay the night. She said they'd been at it all evening. He had to admit this.

 

The next day went so fast and MM assured me everything would be okay and now we could be together. He claimed he wished it had happened differently. He said he needed to sort things out so I left him to do so.

 

It was now Thursday and MM had been in contact with me the whole time. I told him I wasn't sure if I could forgive him for all the lies but he reassured me and told me things would be different now. That we could be together properly. By mid-day Thursday he told me he was changing his phone number because she was going mental. He told me not to worry. That he knew my number off by heart and that he would find a way to contact me that evening. He didn't. I drove to his (5 mins from mine) and he was home so I sent a text to his email address which was delivered. Immediately his wife text me "Why are you f****** texting him?" I drove home and she called me. She said... "He is coming home tomorrow". I couldn't believe it.

 

Only the day before I told him -- Please be honest with me. If you want to go back to her just say so and I'll walk and say absolutely nothing. Lie to me now and I will tell her everything". -- No -- it's you I want. He said.

 

After she told me he was going home, she added him to the phone call -- all 3 of us! We ended up having a 6 hour 3 way phone call. The whole truth came out. Every last bit. He said awful things about me. That he never loved me. That he just used me for sex. That I was addicted to him and would have done anything for him. She told me her story and it made me so sad. I felt sad for her. We even spoke for another hour after he got off of the phone. She was such a nice lady!

 

I'm so sad. Maybe I was addicted to him but I was sure he felt the same. He has blocked me everyday possible.... I loved him so much. I need to figure out a way to stop men taking such advantage of me...

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I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds to me like he was feeding you lies the whole time so he could have the best of both worlds- his happy family life and his side dish. It was all fine and well until he gets caught, then he throws you under the bus.

 

What are your dynamics? Are you married, in a relationship? Do you work with him?

 

Your best thing now is to just go into NC, which shouldn't be difficult as you mentioned he has blocked you in every way possible. Forget about him. Do not contact his wife either. Get yourself into some counseling if you haven't already.

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Your story should be a cautionary tale to other women who think their beloved MM would never do such a thing to them. He lied to you during the entire affair and then rolled over you with the big yellow bus.

 

So sorry.

 

Hopefully his BS will kick him out of her life too. And hopefully, you're done with this loser even if she does.

 

Wow.

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Your story should be a cautionary tale to other women who think their beloved MM would never do such a thing to them. He lied to you during the entire affair and then rolled over you with the big yellow bus.

 

So sorry.

 

Hopefully his BS will kick him out of her life too. And hopefully, you're done with this loser even if she does.

 

Wow.

 

Nah, they just go with "not all situations are the same", "my MM is different" or "he doesn't lie to me"

 

OP I guess the question is how do you react when he comes back with "I had to say that, but I didn't mean it"

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I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds to me like he was feeding you lies the whole time so he could have the best of both worlds- his happy family life and his side dish. It was all fine and well until he gets caught, then he throws you under the bus.

 

What are your dynamics? Are you married, in a relationship? Do you work with him?

 

Your best thing now is to just go into NC, which shouldn't be difficult as you mentioned he has blocked you in every way possible. Forget about him. Do not contact his wife either. Get yourself into some counseling if you haven't already.

 

No. I'm single. I don't work with him.

 

I feel like I really need counselling. I know he won't but part of me wishes he would apologise and tell me it wasn't all a lie. I guess it doesn't really matter now if it was or not. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again. I personally don't think he will last back there. He put so much rubbish on FB since Thursday. A picture saying "I love my Wife, she is my Life" -- even though everyone now knows what he has done!! She sent me a picture of them together at the hotel on Monday. They were all over one another. It made me feel sick....

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Nah, they just go with "not all situations are the same", "my MM is different" or "he doesn't lie to me"

 

OP I guess the question is how do you react when he comes back with "I had to say that, but I didn't mean it"

 

After all that was said I don't think that's even possible. I tried to break it off a few times. On one occasion he stalked me and left me a note on my car saying "I love you". She asked him why he did it. He replied "Because I knew it would work". We both gasped.

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GirlStillStrong
Hi... I haven't posted for some time but I've been reading through this forum throughly for the last year.

 

I've been involved in an affair for the last year. My MM did not live with his wife but with his Mum. He always told me he officially stayed with his wife because of their young son but they did not get along at all. He always stressed how much he loved his son and she would limit contact with him and that he was not ready to not see his son so often and that he came before anything else. I thought I guess that's fair enough.

 

We used to text most of the day and I would feel like I was walking on air. I couldn't wait to see him. I ached for it. We used to see each other a few times a week or sometimes every other day. He stayed at mine and we would have the most amazing sex that would last for ages. It was so passionate. It never got boring or old. We would snuggle for the night and he would leave for work in the morning. I was.... I am so much in love with him. I do admit looking back that I can see sex was a massive part of our relationship.

 

This Tuesday it all blew up in my face..... I received lots of missed calls and a text from his wife demanding that I spoke to her. She claimed to know where I lived and worked. She had found an email receipt of something he'd sent me. He had to confess something but it was far from the truth.

 

I left work and I called her back. I was in panic. I found myself protecting MM somewhat. I said that I had chased him. I tried to minimise the damage by lying. She asked me if I loved him and I said I did but that he didn't love me back. MM had always said she was a loose cannon and I would be in trouble if she ever found out. The first thing out of her mouth was an insult followed by "You're in trouble". I managed to end the call. I can't even remember how. MM called me as soon as he left.... He apologised to me & thanked me for what I had said. In the phone call she had also declared that they got on well and just the previous night.. they had been to a hotel. They didn't stay the night. She said they'd been at it all evening. He had to admit this.

 

The next day went so fast and MM assured me everything would be okay and now we could be together. He claimed he wished it had happened differently. He said he needed to sort things out so I left him to do so.

 

It was now Thursday and MM had been in contact with me the whole time. I told him I wasn't sure if I could forgive him for all the lies but he reassured me and told me things would be different now. That we could be together properly. By mid-day Thursday he told me he was changing his phone number because she was going mental. He told me not to worry. That he knew my number off by heart and that he would find a way to contact me that evening. He didn't. I drove to his (5 mins from mine) and he was home so I sent a text to his email address which was delivered. Immediately his wife text me "Why are you f****** texting him?" I drove home and she called me. She said... "He is coming home tomorrow". I couldn't believe it.

 

Only the day before I told him -- Please be honest with me. If you want to go back to her just say so and I'll walk and say absolutely nothing. Lie to me now and I will tell her everything". -- No -- it's you I want. He said.

 

After she told me he was going home, she added him to the phone call -- all 3 of us! We ended up having a 6 hour 3 way phone call. The whole truth came out. Every last bit. He said awful things about me. That he never loved me. That he just used me for sex. That I was addicted to him and would have done anything for him. She told me her story and it made me so sad. I felt sad for her. We even spoke for another hour after he got off of the phone. She was such a nice lady!

 

I'm so sad. Maybe I was addicted to him but I was sure he felt the same. He has blocked me everyday possible.... I loved him so much. I need to figure out a way to stop men taking such advantage of me...

 

Thank you for sharing all of that. Men are such lying pricks. Good luck stopping men from trying to take advantage. I think it is the way they are made, quite honestly. The only way to not get taken advantage of by men, I think, is to do what one of my exes told me to do, which was to USE him. Disgusting, I know, but there you are.

 

PS Your "man" is a child. He pretends to be the big man to your face but now you know who is the real man in that family. I think that is pretty common.

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After all that was said I don't think that's even possible. I tried to break it off a few times. On one occasion he stalked me and left me a note on my car saying "I love you". She asked him why he did it. He replied "Because I knew it would work". We both gasped.

 

That should paint you a very clear picture right there of what a manipulative f*#k this guy is. He took advantage of your clear vulnerabilities to lure you back in because he wanted sex. I'm not saying this is all his fault; you did play a part in this too, unless you were drugged or sleepwalking when you were sleeping with him, the blame does fall on you too. I think you know that.

 

I feel like I really need counselling. I know he won't but part of me wishes he would apologise and tell me it wasn't all a lie. I guess it doesn't really matter now if it was or not. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again. I personally don't think he will last back there. He put so much rubbish on FB since Thursday. A picture saying "I love my Wife, she is my Life" -- even though everyone now knows what he has done!! She sent me a picture of them together at the hotel on Monday. They were all over one another. It made me feel sick....

 

Get into counseling. Figure yourself out, learn how to heal from this, and move on. Even if he did come back and tell you he was lying and he did apologize, don't ever start this up again. People who care for other people DO NOT do this. People who USE other people DO.

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Do you really think that he was going to admit that he was in love with you to her face? The man is scared to leave and scared of her. I'm sure he hates himself right now.

 

Just let him marinade in his own mess and you work on moving beyond this.

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I didn't even read through the replies. Just back away slowly. Don't make any sudden movements. Don't dart your eyes. He sounds psychotic. Seriously.

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That should paint you a very clear picture right there of what a manipulative f*#k this guy is. He took advantage of your clear vulnerabilities to lure you back in because he wanted sex. I'm not saying this is all his fault; you did play a part in this too, unless you were drugged or sleepwalking when you were sleeping with him, the blame does fall on you too. I think you know that.

 

 

 

Get into counseling. Figure yourself out, learn how to heal from this, and move on. Even if he did come back and tell you he was lying and he did apologize, don't ever start this up again. People who care for other people DO NOT do this. People who USE other people DO.

 

I'm not saying I'm blameless. I loved the time I spent with him. He has told me previously that he was addicted to sex and that I for filled his fantasies with him. He said he'd never found anyone who could keep up with him until he found me. I believe it somehow.

 

I saw how desperate he was not to loose her... He dropped me like a ton of bricks!!

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Do you really think that he was going to admit that he was in love with you to her face? The man is scared to leave and scared of her. I'm sure he hates himself right now.

 

Just let him marinade in his own mess and you work on moving beyond this.

 

Maybe so. One of the last things she said was. I'll never feel the same about him again. There's no love there. I'm doing it for my son. I'm giving him one chance. A one night stand? Maybe. An affair for a year? Unforgivable!

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He has told me previously that he was addicted to sex and that I for filled his fantasies with him. He said he'd never found anyone who could keep up with him until he found me. I believe it somehow.

 

I'll say to you what I said to another poster within the past few days... Read. Re-read. Re-read a few more times and let it sink in. This was nothing but a use job. He fed you the "I love yous" to keep you coming back for more so he could get what he needed. Of course he was so desperate not to lose his wife... it's because he actually does love her.

 

You deserve a lot more than being a sex toy to this guy. You said you're single? Don't waste another iota of your time or energy on him. Find someone who will be yours and only yours.

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I'll say to you what I said to another poster within the past few days... Read. Re-read. Re-read a few more times and let it sink in. This was nothing but a use job. He fed you the "I love yous" to keep you coming back for more so he could get what he needed. Of course he was so desperate not to lose his wife... it's because he actually does love her.

 

You deserve a lot more than being a sex toy to this guy. You said you're single? Don't waste another iota of your time or energy on him. Find someone who will be yours and only yours.

 

How could you be so close to someone and not feel anything. I just don't get it... :(

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How could you be so close to someone and not feel anything. I just don't get it... :(

 

Men have the propensity to separate love and sex very well, which makes it a lot easier for them to use women. Don't get me wrong, women use people too (not trying to be a man hater by any means), it's just a lot more common for males to be able to separate things, while women often get emotions involved.

 

There's also the slim chance that he did have feelings for you, but when push came to shove, he chose his wife. If men don't leave their wives, it's a safe bet the AP is always going to get thrown under the bus.

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Thank you for sharing all of that. Men are such lying pricks. Good luck stopping men from trying to take advantage. I think it is the way they are made, quite honestly. The only way to not get taken advantage of by men, I think, is to do what one of my exes told me to do, which was to USE him. Disgusting, I know, but there you are.

 

PS Your "man" is a child. He pretends to be the big man to your face but now you know who is the real man in that family. I think that is pretty common.

 

No men are not lying pricks, because MEN don't play games and cheat on their wives. MEN make chioces and decisions then live with the results. Very few of the guys spoke about in this section are MEN, they are cowardly little boys.

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No men are not lying pricks, because MEN don't play games and cheat on their wives. MEN make chioces and decisions then live with the results. Very few of the guys spoke about in this section are MEN, they are cowardly little boys.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Real men don't behave this way. You can't paint men as capable of this crap behavior. My exH and I divorced after almost 30 years of marriage. There was no cheating, no lying, no crap. Rather, honest, heartfelt discussions that the marriage had run it's course. So yea, real men don't cheat, lie, fake another life. Real men have honest conversation, make change, and live authentically. Boys lie and deceive. Regardless of age.

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GirlStillStrong

I've yet to find a real man. Wait, I take that back. ONE guy I was with was a real man, not a prick, not a user, and funny thing was, he was the youngest guy I'd ever been in a relationship with (he was 25 at the time).

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GirlStillStrong
No men are not lying pricks, because MEN don't play games and cheat on their wives. MEN make chioces and decisions then live with the results. Very few of the guys spoke about in this section are MEN, they are cowardly little boys.

 

Good point.

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I've been involved in an affair for the last year. My MM did not live with his wife but with his Mum. He always told me he officially stayed with his wife because of their young son but they did not get along at all. He always stressed how much he loved his son and she would limit contact with him and that he was not ready to not see his son so often and that he came before anything else. I thought I guess that's fair enough.

 

We used to text most of the day and I would feel like I was walking on air. I couldn't wait to see him. I ached for it. We used to see each other a few times a week or sometimes every other day. He stayed at mine and we would have the most amazing sex that would last for ages. It was so passionate. It never got boring or old. We would snuggle for the night and he would leave for work in the morning. I was.... I am so much in love with him. I do admit looking back that I can see sex was a massive part of our relationship.

 

.

 

So he didn't want to 'lose his son' but he moved out of the marital home and saw you several times a week? How can he claim to give 2 craps about his son when he chose sex with you over being with him? If he comes back around - this alone should be a reason why you could never believe him. I can't stand it when a parent puts their selfish needs before a child and that is exactly what this jerk did.

 

I know you are hurting because he turned out to be nothing but a liar and a cheat. You will get over it. You will come to realize you don't need a man in your life - especially not to ever ever involved yourself with someone who is already in a relationship with someone else.

 

Counseling would be a great idea for you. I think you need to examine why you believe so easily and trust so much when there are red flags alerting you to something smelling fishy.

 

I just went and read your previous threads from 2012 and I can see you were hurt very badly by your ex. Please do not let any more men into your life until you figure out yourself. And because you have a child, please do not let any men around your son until you are in a committed monogamous relationship. It isn't fair to your son to keep knowing men who end up not only hurting you, but hurting him. I hope you can heal yourself and learn to love yourself. Knowing how much it hurt you to be cheated on, I would have hoped you wouldn't do that to another female. I know the MM lied to you, but there were a lot of red flags that you didn't see. Good luck.

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My advice to you, for what it is worth, is to not get bogged down in why he did what he did. He treated two women badly, and it really doesn't mater why. All that does matter is that he is acting in a really lousy way.

 

For yourself, I would try to forget about him and focus on yourself. Why is it that you fell for him? Is this a pattern with you- falling for guys who have major issues in their lives- , or is it a one off sort of thing? Does the idea of saaing the "poor, wounded, misunderstood man" ( kind of a female version of a knight in shining armour) somehow appeal to you, or are you just really kind and belive that everyone else, deep down inside, is too?

 

It sounds like you are a very kind, forgiving and loving person, and don't let this situation change that about you. Just be more particular about who you choose to spend your emotional energy on. Don't waste "you" on someone who doesn't derserve you.

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After she told me he was going home, she added him to the phone call -- all 3 of us! We ended up having a 6 hour 3 way phone call. The whole truth came out. Every last bit. He said awful things about me. That he never loved me. That he just used me for sex. That I was addicted to him and would have done anything for him. She told me her story and it made me so sad. I felt sad for her. We even spoke for another hour after he got off of the phone. She was such a nice lady!

 

Seems your (ex)MM spun too many lies, talked out of both sides of his mouth, manipulating you and his wife. He threw you under the bus to his wife and he threw his wife under the bus to you. Then it blew up in his face.

 

It's good you and his wife got to talk for a while. Hopefully it's given you some closure and also made you see she isn't the devil he made her out to be.

 

Many MM exaggerate truths, lie or bend truths to suit them in the best possible light.

 

I hope you heal well and don't let this ruin you. He isn't worth crying over. The man you fell for doesn't really exist, he gave you a 'persona' of himself while having the A with you. Who knows who he really is! I doubt now his wife knows either.

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So he didn't want to 'lose his son' but he moved out of the marital home and saw you several times a week? How can he claim to give 2 craps about his son when he chose sex with you over being with him? If he comes back around - this alone should be a reason why you could never believe him. I can't stand it when a parent puts their selfish needs before a child and that is exactly what this jerk did.

 

I know you are hurting because he turned out to be nothing but a liar and a cheat. You will get over it. You will come to realize you don't need a man in your life - especially not to ever ever involved yourself with someone who is already in a relationship with someone else.

 

Counseling would be a great idea for you. I think you need to examine why you believe so easily and trust so much when there are red flags alerting you to something smelling fishy.

 

I just went and read your previous threads from 2012 and I can see you were hurt very badly by your ex. Please do not let any more men into your life until you figure out yourself. And because you have a child, please do not let any men around your son until you are in a committed monogamous relationship. It isn't fair to your son to keep knowing men who end up not only hurting you, but hurting him. I hope you can heal yourself and learn to love yourself. Knowing how much it hurt you to be cheated on, I would have hoped you wouldn't do that to another female. I know the MM lied to you, but there were a lot of red flags that you didn't see. Good luck.

 

He didn't move out because of me. It was already this way, when our affair started. My (now-ex)MM never met my son. That was my choice. I have a good relationship with my sons Dad and his wife and my son lives between us. He is nearly 12.

 

I wouldn't say I trust so easily. I did honestly know things were not right and I tried several times to end things but he pulled me back in with his words. I gave up in the end and humbly accepted seeing him like this was less painful than not seeing him at all.

 

I did see all the red flags... I just didnt want to believe them.

 

You're right. In 2012 I was badly hurt by my ex-boyfriend. This wasn't even one of the worst experiences I've been through. I'm so tired. I would just like to find a nice decent man.

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My advice to you, for what it is worth, is to not get bogged down in why he did what he did. He treated two women badly, and it really doesn't mater why. All that does matter is that he is acting in a really lousy way.

 

For yourself, I would try to forget about him and focus on yourself. Why is it that you fell for him? Is this a pattern with you- falling for guys who have major issues in their lives- , or is it a one off sort of thing? Does the idea of saaing the "poor, wounded, misunderstood man" ( kind of a female version of a knight in shining armour) somehow appeal to you, or are you just really kind and belive that everyone else, deep down inside, is too?

 

It sounds like you are a very kind, forgiving and loving person, and don't let this situation change that about you. Just be more particular about who you choose to spend your emotional energy on. Don't waste "you" on someone who doesn't derserve you.

 

I almost feel worse for the BS than for me. She told me he had moved out so she could give her son (older son -- not his) all the time he needed as he had been through something very traumatic. Instead of supporting her in her time of need. He did this. She said they had argued throughout the year and she begged him to tell her. She lost two stone in weight through worry.

 

One day she picked up his phone to give it to him he must of thought she was going to go through it and before she knew it, he had her in a headlock. Kicked off the baby gate.

 

She made me cry. I honestly can't believe anyone could do that to two lovely women. He is such an as*****!

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gettingstronger

Their marriage sounds quite messy but what sticks out to me in this story is their need to unite against you as a person- that just seems off to me- I am a BS- when Dday hit, I told my husband to go see our OW in person to break it off (if thats what he wanted to do) to bring as much closure as possible right off the bat-I wanted reconciliation to be just about us- (she continues to intrude 2 years later so right now things are a bit different than at the start)

 

I guess what I am trying to say, is their marriage dynamic seems screwed up in that they need to blame game, they need to bully you to heal them- I can not see that working-

 

As for you, hindsight is 20/20- prior to my experience with infidelity I doubt I would have looked so closely for red flags, etc... I would assume a man living apart from his wife was seperated and headed towards divorce-although no my ideal, it probably would not have been a deal killer-

 

In the end, I guess none of that really matters because you need to work on getting past this- my advice as always is to focus on you and get selfish- work out, read, do yoga-something, anything that focuses on you for a bit every day-

 

Good luck-

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