solostand Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 So I guess today is DDay. Some may remember a while ago MM left, but only for a few days and then went back. We resumed our affair. Today I got a call from MM. Wife looked up his phone records and obviously found my number over and over again, has been told we are known as "the sweethearts" of our support group, told we are always touching and whispering, told we were seen together at a grocery store the other day, found out he lied about his whereabouts last week when he was with me, told his vehicle was seen parked outside my apartment, et cetera. Also, she and her grown children looked up my Facebook Page and found his picture there. Sounds like sh t is hitting the proverbial fan at home. Threatening him with never seeing his grandchild, or his children etc. She is insisting on going to him to our regular support group this morning, either that or she would sit in the parking lot. He said he doesn't want us to be over, he lied of course and said we were just friends, he said we'll still be able to see each other. He said "we'll get through it". He said he'd call me later today with more details. I think he's deluded. Right now I'm worried about a phone call from her. Should I tell the truth. Also I'm very very rattled and don't know what to do. I have already told myself its over. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 He left his wife but then went back to her Then his wife finds out about you and he lies so he can stay with his wife He has told you very clearly that he wants to stay with his wife by his actions so how much longer are you prepared to waste time on this "man"? 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 No longer. The fact that he wants to maintain lc and still gaslight his wife has made my decision for me. Its time for it to be done. My concern today is D-Day. What, if anything, should I expect? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Tullyseptember Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) What would be your first instinct in telling the truth? To provide his wife with the truth of the affair so that she can process the lies of her life during the time of you and her husbands affair and she can make decisions on facts, then you walk away, go no contact with both of them and work on you so you are healthy body mind and soul or do you just want the drama and hysteria that will surely follow if in your hearts of hearts your decision is not for the benefit of both you woman to move forward and leave the drama behind AND this man who has caused mountains of hurt, then don't talk to her if she calls. You will only be adding more pain to an already incredibly painful situation. I hope you make the choice one day to life without the drama Edited January 16, 2015 by Tullyseptember Structure of wording not making sense! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Based on what you have posted before, I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't call you. However if you do, please don't lie for him. You have been straight with this man so don't lose that part of yourself. As for how she could react if you talk... I really don't think anybody can predict. She could be angry, she could be crying, she could be cool as ice. She could be all 3 and/or more. But (as I think you will anyway) be kind to her. Her life is falling apart and whilst it is his doing, she could lash out at you. If it is all just from that initial pain and shock, just let it go and don't react. But that does not mean you should tolerate any inappropriate treatment long term. Keep your head. Is there anybody else you could speak to from your support group to help you stay strong and on track? Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 I have reinforcements coming in this afternoon (friends). I thought he was "different" than all other MM. LOL. The fact that he is lying through his teeth now faced with almost irrefutable evidence says a lot. The only thing he hasn't done yet is throw me under a bus. He better not, is all I can say. If she calls and I kind of think she will, I will tell her the truth. She deserves to know its "Not Just Friends". Then I am prepared to walk away. I have been ready to walk for awhile, just felt in my bones this was stupid, wrong and holding me back from personal growth. I was spending too much time obsessing about it rather than fixing my real problems. Also, some of the Limerace was fading and I realized it could never work. The age difference alone was daunting, the closeness of his family (wife and adult children are incredibly close, she got them involved in the outing last night, she had them checking out my facebook page and the son looked up the phone records. He is close to his kids) and the intertwined finances of the family business all meant doom anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 None of this is new- this relationship has been on the verge since you have been posting here-you didn't just find out he is a liar, you have known it all along-I am surprised that in your support group this is accepted at all-its all so totally unhealthy- You will not move on from this unless you change groups and cut all ties- this post will be just like all the others you have had in the past where some how you find a way to justify and stay with this guy- The choice is and always has been yours-move away from this guy totally or continue on the same old path- I hope you choose you, because you have wasted enough of your time with him- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 I agree and I choose to get out. The pain started to outweigh the good feelings, plus reality has been creeping in over and over again. Its hard to stay firmly grounded in a fairy tale. Actually, it was the support group that started the ball rolling. Someone in the group told someone outside the group, who told his wife. I am never going to that group again. Its the only group he goes to. He just called and is still totally downplaying it, saying "where there's a will there's a way". She did not go to the support group with him after all, but she made it known she is watching him. The reason I have not cut off all contact yet is I want to know what's going on with her - I asked her if he thought she would call now that she has my number. He said he refused to tell her which one was mine. Also, he said she knows he's lying but that's his plan and he's sticking to it. Oh yes, he advised me to deny deny deny if I got a call. I don't think I will. If I tell the truth then it is OVER. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Wife looked up his phone records and obviously found my number over and over again I asked her if he thought she would call now that she has my number. He said he refused to tell her which one was mine. Huh? How can he refuse to tell her which one is yours? Obviously, it's the one that she found "over and over again". If you want to know the deal with her, just go to her. Not the guy who's downplaying everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 That's what I thought. day after day, month after month, two to five times a day. Don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out. I think I am still in shock. I don't want to call her because I don't know where she is - she may not want to hear from me. It has got to be a bad day for her. He said "well, we knew this was going to happen sometime. We haven't been exactly discreet". So why lie lie lie when she KNOWS he's lying? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Huh? How can he refuse to tell her which one is yours? Obviously, it's the one that she found "over and over again". If you want to know the deal with her, just go to her. Not the guy who's downplaying everything. that was my first thought too. The fact that he's lying to his wife and asking you to lie to her as well is all the proof you need to know that he never wants to leave her. If you continue on in this affair, one day you will wake up and be as old as his wife is now and still be waiting on old man who might not even be alive by then. I hope you mean it when you say you're done. So many OW will say that it's over when something goes wrong, like the MM goes back home to wife or wife discovers affair, only to stay in contact with the MM and slowly start up the affair again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Well even before D-Day happened I was seriously thinking about getting out. I came to the conclusion that the affair was holding me back emotionally and mentally. I really really hope and pray that I stay out. The thought of low contact makes me want to barf actually. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) Somehow I think I have missing reading some of your post as I remember the recent post I had read was the MM left wife and living with you? Guess not. But again, you guys had been hooked up so long, the so called D-DAY is really understatement right now. And here we go again, 1st page of your post so far, you claim you want to leave the affair and many posters would encourage you doing so, and then you will find reason NOT TO end affair at this minute, then another 59 pages would repeat same thing. Being blunt as always, why don't you keep things from lips same as actions, nothing wrong being OW and you KNOW you will never stop affair anyway. Along as as it makes you happy, so be it. Honestly at this point, it is year 2015 already, there should not have "shock", "surprise"...etc anymore for you, that is only for beginner of OW. Edited January 16, 2015 by Mount 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I agree with others. You've been on this ride for a while. Until you actually physically get off nothing will change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 I agree. He wants me to lie to her. I won't. Even though I've been on this train for awhile, it still hurts when it smashes into the river. I did not expect to be so rattled and I can only imagine what she is feeling. Its time and I feel its time. It has got to END now! It should have ended before Dday, but I felt too weak to end it and was enjoying the benefits, although I was also very depressed and obsessed with the relationship. Right now I feel like getting drunk as I sit here and wait for her call. A very good reason why you should never get involved with another member from your AA support group. She got a text this morning too saying it has been going on for two years. Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Right now I'm worried about a phone call from her. Should I tell the truth. Also I'm very very rattled and don't know what to do. I have already told myself its over. Whether it's over or not, if you speak to the BS tell the truth or nothing. Never lie in such situations. People's lives are involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Knowing what I know about her, she will call. Its time for me to man up except when that call comes I may be too afraid to answer it. I don't want to cause all that pain but I guess its too late now, we already caused the pain. She asked MM where I lived. I have no doubt she would come to my house too. He also lied about where I lived. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Solo, are you in love with him? Or is it just the drama that you have mentioned several times before that you're kind of drawn to? I am asking because I think sometimes these two - especially in affairs - are really hard to distinguish.....and because of that it could go on and on and on and on like this forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Solo, are you in love with him? Or is it just the drama that you have mentioned several times before that you're kind of drawn to? I am asking because I think sometimes these two - especially in affairs - are really hard to distinguish.....and because of that it could go on and on and on and on like this forever. I used to think I was in love with him, but recently I have come to realize that I am in love with the drama of the illicit affair. Don't get me wrong, I have very strong feelings for him, but you can't say you love a man you have never even slept a whole night with. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I used to think I was in love with him, but recently I have come to realize that I am in love with the drama of the illicit affair. Don't get me wrong, I have very strong feelings for him, but you can't say you love a man you have never even slept a whole night with. And that is why you will have such a hard time to let go for good. Because you're going to miss the drama until you are able to replace it with some kind of a new drama-love-triangle situation. Even this current situation right now is very very exciting, isn't it: the wife just found out, she may or may not call you, what are you going to do about it.....and so on........and since you're a little bit attracted to that excitement, I think the only way to actually end it for good is to tell her the truth when she calls. Because then he is going to be so mad at you that he might tell you off and never contact you again. I'm not sure this will happen but I think it's very likely. Also, I would totally ask him or I would've done it a long time ago, why on earth he keeps going back to his wife. And what does it mean when he says if there is a will there is a way - a way to do what? Be together with you? How? Have you ever asked him for an exclusive relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 I know the truth will end it for good. That's why I will tell her if she asks. And yes, I know I am attracted to drama and this is an issue that I have to work on and has been causing me problems my entire life. At this time I just want a peaceful, productive life. And when he said there's a will, there's a way, its meant there's a way to see me and continue in the affair. He's already called five times today. My mental health needs a severe cleansing. MM was not helping it. Oh, and he keeps going back due to family pressure - two adult children who are extremely close to his wife. And also I would say attachment - he is a creature of habit and has been married for 36 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 He keeps going back because he is greedy and wants it all... Anyways, i'd call her. Be proactive. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 One thing I think you need to condition yourself to do: stop trusting in the things he says about your R, or his M. He's proven completely unreliable - borderline nonsensical - based on what you've shared with us. What you need is some sort of objectivity in your life, which I guess is why you come here. Your recently mentioned reconnecting with your former H. Have you confided in him regarding this latest turn of events? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Yes my former husband is coming over this afternoon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovebug66 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Solo, I know this is asking a lot and it will be really hard, but you should stop answering his calls NOW. I know you say its just to hear what is going on with his wife, but do you really think he is telling you the truth about it? He's not. He's a liar and the only reason he is calling you over and over is to convince you to keep playing and keep up the charade. If that isn't what you want, stop answering. I really suggest you lean on your program right now. I'm glad you have friends coming over, that will help. I know the urge is strong but getting drunk will not help anything, just make you feel worse. I am glad you are switching groups. What is your interpretation of what the program would tell you to do regarding his wife calling? Mine is to be honest and kind. You are right that the damage has been done, and we all make bad decisions. What is important is stopping the damage when you can, trying to repair some of that damage, and deciding not to engage in that distructive behavior again. I know you can do that. She may be raging mad, she may be oddly calm, who knows. My suggestion is to just be calm, honest and apologetic. I tend to think in analogies, so idk if this will help or not, but maybe you can think of it as walking into your first meeting. Scary, yes. But once you did it opened up a whole new life to you that you didn't know was there and it's so much better than what it was. I wish you luck, I really hope that you choose to end it this time. Link to post Share on other sites
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