I'm the OW and I'm going crazy

[Missinghim17]

I've been a lurker for a while but I need opinions. First off, sorry this is going to be long....

 

 

So I was in a really bad relationship with my kids father for many years. I was emotionally and physically abused, and cheated on. I have 2 kids with him, but we were never married. Just lived together. I was good to my kids father and never cheated until I met my MM. (Technically, I only flirted, and kissed my MM and didn't have sex with him until me and my kids father broke up but I still consider it cheating) I met MM at my kids school. His kids went to the same school as mine. I was very attracted to him and I was the one who started the first conversation. I honestly thought he was a single dad at first. After a few conversations, I found out he had a wife but It was too late, I was already crazy about him. Meeting this man gave me confidence and strength. I felt so beautiful and felt like the world was in my hands. Thanks to this new found confidence, I went back to school and got the courage to throw my kids father out of my house and be a single mom on my own. I felt like MM literally helped me change my life for the better. As time went on, it got more and more amazing. Never have I felt so open and comfortable with a man. I have always been very shy.

Anyway, I fell deeply in love with my MM. I literally believed I could convince him to leave his wife and marry me. He and my kids became my everything. I based every important decision I made on the basis of how it would affect not only me and my children, but as well as him and his children too because in my mind, I convinced myself we were going to be a family one day and live happily ever after.

 

 

I really believed he had strong feelings for me too because he would say things like "I wish I were married to you instead of her" and "What would it be like if we lived together?" He'd also say things like "I'm only staying with her because of the kids" and later on down the road, he told me he loved me several times....Then every few months, he would end things and crush me, but I wouldn't give up on us so I'd secretly email him and he would always come back giving me hope all over again. But he would never stay away from me more than 2 or 3 months. Every time he came back, he'd tell me this time was different blah blah.

 

 

Then he moved across the country back to his hometown because of a job offer and I thought it was the end of the world. I was beyond devastated. We still kept in contact over the phone once he moved and even tho I don't have a lot of money, one day I decided I would go see him. I did and we had the most amazing time. I really thought it couldn't of gone any better. A few days after I got back, he called me and ended things again. We got into a big fight because he kept telling me he was going to divorce his wife and be with me and now only a few days later, he was trying to end it again.

 

 

After the huge fight, he tried calling me a 3-4 times, but I didn't answer the phone because of how mad I was. Then he stopped calling and contacting me at all. Since then, its been almost 2 years since we've talked but I'm still deeply in love with him. I have moments where I just start crying randomly because I miss him so much. I really believed we were soul mates and he was going to be my husband. I can't get him out of my head even tho we haven't had any contact. I've tried dating other men but now that I know that love exists the way it did for him, nothing else compares and anything less just doesn't seem worth it to me. He literally is perfect to me. My exact type and no matter what I do, I can't stop wanting him. Sometimes I feel like i'll go insane if I don't hear from him soon. I know its obviously unhealthy. Overall, our affair lasted almost 3 years.

 

 

Less than 2 wks ago, I had a family emergency, someone very close to me was diagnosed with something that is uncurable and it doesn't look good. When I got the news, it was 3am and I was alone and the first person I wanted to run to was him. The news I got is still bothering me very much everyday and i'm having a hard time coping with it and I just want to hear his voice. I don't have close family nearby and I need someone i'm close to to talk to and I really want him. Part of me feels like i'm using this emergency as an excuse to reach out to him again but I always found comfort in him. So, i'm thinking about messaging him and hoping that it is him who gets the message and that his wife doesn't find it first because she never found out about us even til this day. I know he will contact me back if I do send it. But I keep trying to convince myself not to do it. He might even get mad that I'm trying to talk to him after so long. This is a man that I feel is "the one", I love him just as much as I did when he was in my life and I know I should let him go and try to forget him, but I've tried so many times and I just can't do it. Now with the added stress of the family emergency, life is so hard and I feel like he could make me feel better. So, I already know I shouldn't contact him, but eventually, I probably will. I just need convincing not to....

Edited January 11, 2015 by Missinghim17

[WakingUp]

Please, for your own sake, do NOT contact him.

 

 

Think it through properly. You have had some distressing news, and I know its tempting to reach out... but what comfort can he give you?

 

 

Worst case scenario, he makes everything worse by being cold and indifferent.

 

 

Best case scenario, he lends a sympathetic ear and next thing you know you are back where you started, and leaving yourself open to him breaking up with you again.

 

 

You have absolutely nothing to gain by contacting him. Weather the storm darling girl, your family and your kids need you and you need to be strong, not just for them but also for yourself. Do NOT make yourself vulnerable to more hurt and pain. Just don't.

[lizzygirl]

Donnnnnnnnnnnnnn't contact him! Please. I know how hard it is when you love someone to stay away from them. It hurts so much. You feel so alone. But the thing that I figured out is - being with him and him leaving me made me more alone than if I'd never seen him at all.

 

It is so easy to get lured in when you've been treated so badly by someone else and this new man says all the things you want to hear. But, you have to realize some people are just good manipulators. He probably was unhappy in his marriage, but he has made his choice. And crapping on you was part of that choice. Sometimes this person is not so much your soul mate than the person you projected all of your pain, the attention you were missing, etc. onto who became fixated in your mind as your "saviour" from it all.

 

Go out, meet someone else, give someone else a chance and you just might find that there is a real love, a real man out there for you instead of the insecure, cheating man who is not worth spitting on. I hate to say it, but if he cheated on his wife with you and you two did end up together, he would probably cheat on you too. He isn't worth your love.

[GoldieLox]

Contacting him is just going to open up a 2-year old wound and make everything even worse (even though I know you feel like it can't get more painful). He made his choice by staying in his marriage and leading you in circles. I know you don't have close family near by, but do you have any friends you can lean on at this time?

[Missinghim17]

I do have some friends that have been great but its not the same as having someone you love being there for you. Thank you for all the responses. I know you guys are right and i'm trying really hard to convince myself not to go backwards.

[whichwayisup]

Don't contact him, ignore every fiber in your body that is telling you to, DON'T call or text him.

 

He ended the A and has been in NC mode now for a while with you and hasn't broken it either.

 

Rely on your good friends and family to help you through this. Seek counseling and talk it out with the therapist.

 

You went from an emotionally abusive marriage that ended, straight into an affair. The damage both have caused you, the pain and suffering, isn't going to go away on it's own. You need to rebuild you, become strong again, independent and self sufficient so you don't have to rely on a man to 'complete' you or be your everything.

 

This MM was never yours to begin with. It didn't help that he future faked with you, led you to believe that you two could be together full time some day. He chickened out, changed his mind, had no intention of ever leaving and divorcing his wife for you, who knows! Fact is, he isn't in your life anymore and as painful as it is for you to accept, you need to accept it.

 

Get mad, get sad, get emotional. Grieve the loss and truly let go of all hope and dreams of him. He's gone and not coming back. Sorry if my words sting to read, I just really want you to get "you" back and be happy again. Be at peace and find love with someone who is available only to you, someone you don't have to share, someone who isn't a liar and a cheater.

[still_an_Angel]

He would have somehow contacted you in the 2 years of NC if he feels like you do now. But he hasn't, so don't put your pride on the line by going first. He may be happy with how things are now and might not be the solace you seek if you get in touch.

 

 

Be strong OP, don't waste all the work you've put into NC for the past 2 years. ((hugs))

[janetl]

I am with other replies, please don't contact him.

 

I feel so much for you, I might be you in another 2 years. I know how hard it must be for you not meet someone else when he was so perfect. You need to be strong for yourself.

 

I know what you mean when you say that you have friends but having someone you love to comfort you is altogether different. I sometimes try to tell myself that that someone I love has to be me. I can love only myself more than I loved him... Just like I have told myself that I have to be strong for myself when I left my abusive marriage. Nobody else will be there for me.

 

Hope this helps. My thoughts and support are with you. Get through this, girl.

[HtotheN]

Meeting this man gave me confidence and strength. I felt so beautiful and felt like the world was in my hands. Thanks to this new found confidence, I went back to school and got the courage to throw my kids father out of my house and be a single mom on my own. I felt like MM literally helped me change my life for the better. As time went on, it got more and more amazing. Never have I felt so open and comfortable with a man. I have always been very shy.

 

 

So, I already know I shouldn't contact him, but eventually, I probably will. I just need convincing not to....

 

I understand where you are coming from but you need to realize that YOU

made those positive changes, girl. Of course his presence helped but you actually did it. Reading your story reminds me of that saying about how some people enter your life for a reason, some for a season, and there is a third one that I cannot remember right now but I am thinking that this man was in your life for a reason (to boost your confidence, thus enabling you to do what needed to be done) and that reason has now past. I understand how you feel but trust me, you are meant for bigger and better things, and you will find your happiness elsewhere. Just be glad for the positives that were gained from the experience, and gently realize that two years have passed by without a word from him. The ship sailed long ago, and it's time for you to to leave the harbor. Worst-case scenario: He took pleasure in messing with your head. Best-case: Although he had his "druthers" (ie: if only I was married to you...blah blah blah), he was too much of a puss to make it happen for real. Neither of those scenarios is good.

 

DO NOT contact him as it would most likely result in more pain, and set you back two years. Move on, and thank your lucky stars that you have come this far.

[jellybean89]

You have no idea what he will or won't do.

 

Do you want further rejection?

 

He made his choice...it wasn't you. He lied to you, he used you.

 

I don't believe you,love him, you are just lonely and want someone. He dumped you repeatedly, and people in love don't do that.

 

Get Into therapy ASAP. This obsession you have carried for 2 years is so unhealthy for you and your children. Get it together and understand it was an affair and it's been over for 2 years.

[georgia girl]

I genuinely don't think you love him - I think you are obsessed with the idea of being in love with who you have made him out to be. You see him as the love of your life and the guy who saved you and your kids from abuse. He may have given you the motivation, but YOU saved you and the kids from abuse.

 

My advice would be to take some serious stock of this "love" you think you feel. Is it a fantasy about the perfect relationship? Is it the challenge of winning the unattainable so therefore it must be special? To be honest, I think this "love" is all in your head. Every time you date and it doesn't work out, you default back to this guy, giving him more importance than he deserves.

 

Here's the deal: we will date many, care for some but will truly love only one or two. So, dating as a probability game has a lot of risk. But, here's how you maximize your chances for success - know what you want and ASK for it; don't be afraid to walk away; be a good partner: be honest and have fun.

 

 

Good luck! You will love again!

[Babs22]

First of all, let me say, I am sorry that someone you love has been given a bad prognosis. Are you able to be there for that person? Do they live nearby? Maybe if you focus on that person it will help you not to focus on MM.

I agree with all the other posters, do not call him. I understand the pain you are in. I am in love with a MM and still in an A, but realizing he is most likely not going to leave his wife ever. I am thinking of ending it and I would hope by the time I got to 2 years, I would be strong enough to not call him. The relationship you had with OM is gone and over. He might reject you if you contact him and then you will have twice the hurt you are feeling now. Go talk to your friends. I love my girlfriends and know they will be the ones to support me when I end my relationship with MM. We both deserve someone who chooses us. We do not need to be second fiddle. If you were that important to him, he would have contacted you by now. Let him go.....get counseling....move on.

[Minnie09]

If you've been nc for 2 years, why does your thread title read "I am the OW"?

You're not any longer.

Sorry for the bad circumstances. Some things are just hard to deal with, but it's pretty predictable that IF you contact your ex-MM, nothing will improve. He cut you off for a reason, and most likely it has nothing to do with you, so therefore you can't change anything about it, either.

Look at your life right now, and understand and accept that you'd make the whole situation more complicated, and you'd add misery to your life if you decided to follow your initial urge to contact him again. Nothing good will happen, and the support you're hoping for will most likely NOT be given. Stay strong! You've been doing this for 2 years, it'll get better eventually. It will.

[anika99]

I do have some friends that have been great but its not the same as having someone you love being there for you. Thank you for all the responses. I know you guys are right and i'm trying really hard to convince myself not to go backwards.

 

 

What you need are the people who love and support you. This MM hurt you and treated you terribly. I don't think your friends would ever inflict that kind of pain on you. Frankly it's kind of selfish and disturbed of you to so easily dismiss the support and love you are receiving from others because it pales in comparison to the dysfunctional love you think you had with the MM. I'm sure your friends would be so happy to hear that being there for you means so little to you. One day you will be ashamed of how you didn't really appreciate what you have because of your obsessive need to hold onto this fantasy. I speak from experience. Not from being an OW but being a woman who refused to let go of an unhealthy relationship so instead of rejoicing in my blessings I instead chose to wallow in my pain. It was shameful.

 

 

It's been 2 years since you spoke with him and you still believe he is the perfect man? This man who cheated on his wife and who made a game of building up your hopes and then dumping you time and time again? That's your fantasy? that's the perfect man for you? You should seek some counselling because it sounds like you became addicted to the highs and lows of the affair and now normal healthy relationships are dull and boring to you.

 

 

I also agree with the poster who said you are the one who turned your life around and made it better. The MM stroked your ego and built up your confidence but that was easy part. You're the one who did the work and made the changes. You should not give the MM the credit for the good things you did for yourself.

[Popsicle]

All you need to know is that nothing will be different if you break NC after 2 years. Everything will be the same and all the feelings you had right before you went NC will come right back with the same intensity. If he becomes overwhelmed with feelings of needing to be with you, he will contact you. Until then, you can assume he probably misses you too but knows that he can't give you what you need right now and this is for the best.

 

When you feel that you miss him, try to redirect those feelings to other people.

[Quiet Storm]

He probably has a new OW now. Let it go. This cheater and liar is not your soulmate or "the one". He is a guy of poor character that you have dreamed into a savior. He had two years to contact you and didn't. A soul mate would have contacted you.

 

From his perspective, the affair was about meeting needs that he felt he couldn't get from the marriage, and when he moved, you we're unable to meet them. When you didn't answer he assumed you'd finally had enough of his bullcrap and likely found a new OW.

[GirlStillStrong]

See, here's the thing. H to the N is right, he came into your life for a reason and that was to teach you what you are capable of. But instead of you getting that, and seeing your own worth and abilities, you assign the goodness to HIM. Which is wrong. You need to learn how to stand on your own two feet without believing some guy is going to fulfill you or make life all better. I am sorry your loved one has been diagnosed with something bad, I am going through the exact same thing. But you do not need MM to carry you through this. You need your own Higher Power. Don't make a man your Higher Power. Bad idea. Thank your Higher Power for all your blessings, all you have to be grateful for, and seek strength there, not from a married man. He can't help you.

 

And a note to H to the N: The third one is Lifetime. Reason, Season, Lifetime, by Iyanla VanZant.

[HtotheN]

Thanks, GSS. (And I love Iyanla.)

[Missinghim17]

I understand where you are coming from but you need to realize that YOU

made those positive changes, girl. Of course his presence helped but you actually did it. Reading your story reminds me of that saying about how some people enter your life for a reason, some for a season, and there is a third one that I cannot remember right now but I am thinking that this man was in your life for a reason (to boost your confidence, thus enabling you to do what needed to be done) and that reason has now past. I understand how you feel but trust me, you are meant for bigger and better things, and you will find your happiness elsewhere. Just be glad for the positives that were gained from the experience, and gently realize that two years have passed by without a word from him. The ship sailed long ago, and it's time for you to to leave the harbor. Worst-case scenario: He took pleasure in messing with your head. Best-case: Although he had his "druthers" (ie: if only I was married to you...blah blah blah), he was too much of a puss to make it happen for real. Neither of those scenarios is good.

 

DO NOT contact him as it would most likely result in more pain, and set you back two years. Move on, and thank your lucky stars that you have come this far.

 

I think you are sooo right. I always believed he came into my life for a reason, that he played his part and left...unfortunately I'm still holding on.

[Missinghim17]

Thank you so much guys. I'm holding strong. Still haven't attempted contact.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you so much guys. I'm holding strong. Still haven't attempted contact.

 

You will hurt so much more if you contact him. You are opening the door to pain, he could not be nice to you, say something nasty, or ignore you completely.

 

Rely on your family, your women friends for support now. Not him.

 

Please, for your own sake, stop calling yourself the OW. You're not his OW anymore, 2 years has gone by. You have to give up that last bit of hope you have..He's not coming back.

 

Time to find "you" again. Live for you and be happy.

[Missinghim17]

My XMM and I have not spoke nor have had any contact in almost 2 years. In fact, he lives in another state. We had an affair for 3 years. His wife never found out. He is the one who ended things. We got into a small argument. He called a few times and I purposely didn't answer the phone because I was mad. After 3 days of me not answering his calls, he just stopped calling, blocked me in every way possible. The first 3-4 months, I got rid of everything that would remind me of him...pics, emails, etc. and told myself to move on. I was doing well, then suddenly everything started to remind me of him again and I became even more depressed than I already was. Now, almost 2 years later, I still have moments where I just cry and feel like i'm going to go insane and I desperately want to contact him. I always thought time would heal, but in fact, I feel like we just stopped talking yesterday and i'm feeling all the pain just as bad. Not sure how to feel better. I've dated other men but I keep comparing them to him and I end up breaking up with all of them.

[whichwayisup]

2 years of NC and your affair being over, is a long time to have not healed and have so much hope for him to come back. It's like you're reliving memories, preventing your heart from letting go, preventing yourself from detaching.

 

It's okay to ask for help and seek counseling. You need to get your life back so you can feel happy again. So you can find 'you' again instead of living in your head and creating painful expectations and hopes that will never happen.

[eye of the storm]

Missinghim. you won't heal until you stop clinging desperately to his memory.

 

It sounds like you have gotten stuck, maybe clinically depressed, or you just miss the drama of it all. Whatever the reason is, go see someone. Get some help, work on moving on.

 

Aren't you tired of letting someone who really never loved you control so much of your life even after they walked away from you? Think about that. He probably never even thinks about you but you have stopped living your life over him. Take back the control of your life, move on, find happiness.

 

Good luck!

[Jesuischarlie]

If you really loved him. I doubt you will ever get over him. Some people never love someone that much. I understand how you feel albeit I'm in lc. Just remember that at least you felt that love. Most never do.