Light at the end of the tunnel is a train

[eye of the storm]

My 4+ year relationship is probably coming to an end. My division at work is laying off the majority of its workers. I work with my MM. He and I are both looking for jobs where we can still be near each other. He sends me postings almost every day of companies that have jobs open for positions at both his and my levels. The problem, most of them require us to relocate. Which I don't really want to do. And also, his wife is making sounds like she would finally move to be near him. (she currently lives in another state and he only sees her on weekends) He thinks we can still work it out. I don't. There is no way she wouldn't wonder why her H was not sleeping at home if she lived in the same town he works in.

 

In Jan we will know more about who is being kept and who is not. So we will make a decision then.

 

But I think I will tell him that, if she is going to be moving with him, I will have to be out. I don't see how it would work out. I am too used to us being together all week. I would be miserable dealing with seeing him so rarely. Its one thing to move away from family and friends if you are with someone...its a whole different ballgame moving with your guy but unable to openly be with your guy.

 

To be honest, I am getting tired of the secrets. Not being able to say openly "this is my guy and I love him". He says he loves me. I've never pushed him on that, I was content with our relationship. We go out on dates, he supports me (not financially), he is my best friend. But, after 4+ years, I think I am ready for us to either advance or try to reconcile ourselves to just being friends.

 

I'm not angry, or desperate. I am sad. If I tell him he needs to choose, I will probably lose. But, after we find out what is going on with the company, I think it is a conversation that we need to have. I have loved limbo. I have healed in limbo. I have learned so much during my time with him. But you can't live your entire life in limbo. So, I am going to work myself up to where I can live with what ever he chooses and will lay my cards on the table.

 

I just needed to say it outloud (or type it) I needed to get it out of my head. I think it helps to say it. Makes it more real.

[Dog Woman]

I wish you all the best. Its good you are being realistic about things.

[Popsicle]

You can't live in limbo forever. That just about sums it up. I wish you all the best.

[bathtub-row]

Instead of telling him he needs to choose, let him know that because of his choices (because he chooses every day), you are no longer willing to continue with the situation. He's not stupid and doesn't need for you to draw him a roadmap. He knows that he's lucky you've stuck it out this long, and he knows you aren't going to be willing to deal with the new circumstances if his wife decides to join him. Let him know what your decision is, then the ball is in his court. But make sure you mean it because wavering will only make you look weak and indecisive, and then your words will have no meaning.

[georgia girl]

Instead of telling him he needs to choose, let him know that because of his choices (because he chooses every day), you are no longer willing to continue with the situation. He's not stupid and doesn't need for you to draw him a roadmap. He knows that he's lucky you've stuck it out this long, and he knows you aren't going to be willing to deal with the new circumstances if his wife decides to join him. Let him know what your decision is, then the ball is in his court. But make sure you mean it because wavering will only make you look weak and indecisive, and then your words will have no meaning.

 

I like this and I will add to it. You can choose him and say so.

 

Very personal stuff here, but when my husband and I were just dating - back when he was my Mr. Now - he had a very serious accident and was almost two hours away. By the time I got to him, I realized I loved him and I was pretty shocked. I spent the next few weeks caring for him every single day and we made the gradual recovery to "new normal" together.

 

I told him during that time that I loved him and I chose him. He was pretty badly injured and was focused on recovery. He couldn't choose me right then. I told him that it was okay, as long as he didn't stay with me out of gratitude.

 

Four months later - when he had finally recovered most of what he would recover - he asked me to marry him. I did and our life has been amazing.

 

So my point is you can choose him but state what your expectations are and hold firm. Be ready to walk away if you need to. In my case, to be honest, I always knew it would work. It wasn't that much of a risk. We just had to heal. Maybe it's the same for you?

 

Good luck, GG

[adna89]

So what happened .any update?

[eye of the storm]

For us, currently, no change. We both survived the office shake up.

 

We talked. I got my feelings out. I did not ask him to choose. I just told him how I was feeling about the situation. He knows that soon he is either going to have to go all in with me, or accept that our time has come to an end.

 

I'm not putting a time limit on it. When the bad outweighs the good for me is when Ill end it. And he is starting to see the scales start to shift.

 

Him going home on the weekend never bothered me before. It bothers me now. So every weekend the negative scale gets a bit heavier.

 

Even when we end it, I am not going to hate him. He has never future faked me. He has supported me even when it pulled me away from him to accomplish goals. He has been a good friend. And I will keep that in my mind always.

[Poppy47]

I was in a kind of limbo after my husband died. I feel exMM was part of my healing also. It happened very gradually.

 

There came a time when I had to snap out of never never land and face reality.

 

It was very difficult. I do feel that MM helped me through a lot. He was always kind and gentle and understood what I was going through.

 

Perhaps it will be the same with you..... when the need for that relationship has passed and you can move on to something else.

 

I still love xMM and I know he loves me too. What we had would never work now because I am a different person.

 

I am glad that you are realistic about it. The fact that you suffer at weekends, says that it's time for you to make a life without him. It will definitely become too much for you to bear.

 

Warm Wishes,

 

Poppy.

[Jesuischarlie]

The thing is when you get in deep.... Everything bothered you. I used to dread weekends so he arranged to see me weekends for a short while . It just wasn't enough and I always wanted more until we were miserable all the time.

[eye of the storm]

I don't dread the weekends. They are just a part of life where he goes out of town for a couple of days. And to be honest, I kind of like having my weekends free. It is the fact that he is going to another woman (his W) that bothers me. And it didn't used to.

 

I'm not miserable. I get sad when I think of the changes that are probably coming and I don't like being jealous. Esp when I don't have the right to be. And I acknowledge I don't.

 

Our relationship is weird in that we are so open about being together when we are out and about. But then when we are at work or around friends that knew us both before we started dating we have to be secret. That is the thing that is probably starting to bother me the most. That I have to hide something that makes me generally very happy.

 

Which when you add it all up will eventually make the negative outweigh the positive.

[georgia girl]

eye of the storm,

 

 

Is there an end game in mind? Might he actually leave his wife and marriage? They live separately most of the time.

 

 

I wish you peace. You seem to have a great perspective and it sounds to me that you've had very honest conversations about where you each are and what expectations you have, as well as needs you have to have met.

 

 

Thinking about you,

 

 

GG

[adna89]

I don't dread the weekends. They are just a part of life where he goes out of town for a couple of days. And to be honest, I kind of like having my weekends free. It is the fact that he is going to another woman (his W) that bothers me. And it didn't used to.

 

I'm not miserable. I get sad when I think of the changes that are probably coming and I don't like being jealous. Esp when I don't have the right to be. And I acknowledge I don't.

 

Our relationship is weird in that we are so open about being together when we are out and about. But then when we are at work or around friends that knew us both before we started dating we have to be secret. That is the thing that is probably starting to bother me the most. That I have to hide something that makes me generally very happy.

 

Which when you add it all up will eventually make the negative outweigh the positive.

 

When you talked to him,did he say anything that gave you hope he might leave the wife for you? I know you said he was all honest that he wont leave her etc...is it like that still?

[Minnie09]

I don't dread the weekends. They are just a part of life where he goes out of town for a couple of days. And to be honest, I kind of like having my weekends free. It is the fact that he is going to another woman (his W) that bothers me. And it didn't used to.

 

I'm not miserable. I get sad when I think of the changes that are probably coming and I don't like being jealous. Esp when I don't have the right to be. And I acknowledge I don't.

 

Our relationship is weird in that we are so open about being together when we are out and about. But then when we are at work or around friends that knew us both before we started dating we have to be secret. That is the thing that is probably starting to bother me the most. That I have to hide something that makes me generally very happy.

 

Which when you add it all up will eventually make the negative outweigh the positive.

 

 

Wow - does he have kids at home?

Just wondering how that affects a marriage, if the couple only gets to spend time on weekends. Does that drive them apart, especially with him having another "partner" during the week? Or does that bring them closer together, because they actually get a chance to miss each other? Do you guys talk about that at all? Does his W have a career, or is she a homemaker most of the time? Do they communicate on a regular basis during the week?

 

I totally get it that you enjoy your free weekends, and also that it gets more and more difficult, as you get more and more involved. Do you think he feels the same? Do you communicate on weekends, when he's with her?

 

The work thing and all the changes it may involve is now a real eye-opener, isn't it? Because everything may change very soon, if you leave your jobs. That has been your foundation, so to speak, and if that's no longer there, he will really have to choose based on what he wants in a relationship, and with whom he wants a relationship, rather than just being close to you by default (job). Good luck to you! I hope it works out. Keep us posted!

[eye of the storm]

His youngest just left home. I didn't ask him to leave her. And they haven't lived together full time in ... 7-8 years I'm thinking. I asked once how he would feel if he found out she had a partner that kept her company when he was gone. And he laughed and said, that he wouldn't be shocked. Not because she is that type but because he is fully aware of how often he is gone.

 

When I told him that not being able to talk about him openly, when he means so much to me was starting to weigh on me, he said he understood. Then I told him if she moved to be nearer to him I was out, no if, ands, or buts. He said he understood. When he started to respond, I told him I didn't want him to say anything. I just wanted him to know my feelings about it.

 

Because in the end, the decision to stay or leave is mine. I didn't want him to think I was asking for an action because I'm not. I didn't want him to be forced into a corner and either choose her or me because I want him to do what is best for him. Just like he always pushes me do to what is best for me.

 

I know he is fully aware that eventually he will have to make a decision. When he makes one, we will revisit the issue. I have no right to demand he make a choice. I can only be responsible for my choices. And right now, I am not jumping ship. But I have identified the location of the life boats.