KissMyTiara Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 This past Friday, MM gave me $200 saying that he wanted to make sure that I had a great time this weekend with my girlfriends (we had several Halloween parties/events to go to, all which had ticket costs, would require cab fare, drinks, etc.). At first, I kinda flipped, saying "I am not some whore nor am I going to allow myself to be a kept woman." His response was "I can't believe you just said that, that pisses me off. I used to take your out to dinner all the time, we used to do things, I was able to treat you like a lady by doing nice things for you, but the past month or so because of our schedules I haven't been able to do that, so I'm just trying to do something nice for you in the way that I can for this weekend..." The result? I reluctantly took it. Then I talked to him this morning - he wants to get a new pair of sunglasses and wants me to go to the fancy shop where he's going to get them so that he can get me a pair too. This is odd, right? What's more is that he knows I am absolutely 100% financially independent. I refuse to allow him or I to discuss salaries, bonuses, etc., but given what I do for a living and the fact that I am single, drive a nice car, go on extravagent vacations, wear nice clothes, etc., all on my own dime, shows him that I don't need nor want his financial contributions, whether it's giving me cash or buying me things...so WHY is he doing it? Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Sounds like he has sugar daddie syndrome, he want's you to need him for something. I'd take it anyway Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Why does it matter *why* he's doing it? The truth is, he shouldn't be doing it at all because HE'S MARRIED! You can't change his actions, but you can change *your* reactions. Very simply tell him you don't need him or his money and move on! Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Maybe you should tell him to waste it on his wife who probably needs it more than you, from what you posted at least. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 If it feels odd to you then don't accept it, otherwise take the dosh & trinkets if he wants to dole them out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by Amethyst Why does it matter *why* he's doing it? The truth is, he shouldn't be doing it at all because HE'S MARRIED! You can't change his actions, but you can change *your* reactions. Very simply tell him you don't need him or his money and move on! I'm not going to move on, not just yet. I'm fine with the way things are, I was just looking for an explanation as to why he is even offering... Link to post Share on other sites
DJ_Dork Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Consider yourself a mistress (which is a nicer version word than prostitute) - He pays for most things and gets the side action while you should be exclusive to him. I've always wondered how it's like to be a trophy mistress. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara I'm not going to move on, not just yet. I'm fine with the way things are, I was just looking for an explanation as to why he is even offering... So, you don't care that he's lavishing on you what he should be lavishing on his wife? (Not to mention that he is CHEATING on her.) Of course you don't care, because you're getting all this extra stuff; so, who cares about her, right? Well, all I can say is what goes around, comes around. He's not the only one in the wrong here and you'll *both* get your comeuppance. Edit: DJ_Dork, you are SO right! Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 As usual this post is getting off the posters point She is well aware of what she is doing and that the man is married, the question was "why is he throwing money at her" not am I doing the wrong thing. If it wasn't her it would be someone else, so let's not throw OUR morals out because it wasn't the origional question. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by stoneheather If it wasn't her it would be someone else, so let's not throw OUR morals out because it wasn't the origional question. Doesn't matter -- *she* doesn't have to be the one taking part in it. Sorry, but I can't throw my morals out...they are part of me. And, I cannot help her try to understand why someone would cheat...so, I've offered my opinion. What she does with it is her affair. (no pun intended) Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by Amethyst Sorry, but I can't throw my morals out...they are part of me. Nobody asked for morals In this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 For someone who wanted to get back to the "original question", you're sure doing a lot of talking about other stuff. This is my last post on this subject, as *you* are the one turning this into an argument, stoneheather. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 Stoneheather is absolutely correct. I know what I am doing, I know the pros/cons, the immoralness of my and my MM's behavior, how I'll be hurt in the end, BLAH BLAH BLAH. That's what all the OTHER posts are for!!! So, yes, back to my question... This was a ONE TIME offering, so perhaps I am crazy overanalyzing here racking my brain with the possible motives behind his gesture, but here are my options: 1. FACT: He's the patriarch of his family, he feels like it's normal and expected for him "take care of others." Literally, he pays for soooo many other things his family (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, etc., not just the nuclear family) needs, and we have become very, very close. So, perhaps he feels some sort of duty to "take care of" me as well?? 2. FACT: He thinks nothing of dropping big time $$ down on football games and trips to Vegas. So, perhaps he sincerely just wanted me to have a good time?? 3. FACT: Sometimes I can sense that he thinks I am thinking of getting ready to bolt. So, he's trying to guilt me into sticking around?? 4. Perhaps he's trying to alleviate his own guilt by making me more comfortable financially (but for the previously stated reasons, doesn't make much sense)... as in, "Jeez, I'm not being the greatest guy to Kiss, but this is something I can do to ease her mind..." 5. Like 3, he's hoping to be able to manipulate me into needing him?? Guys, you MM out there...did you ever offer/give cash/stuff to your OW?? Here's another thing - when I made the comment about "I am not a whore" he brought up how I buy HIM things all the time. Very, very true... Not even for a special occasion, but just because. So what makes this return of the same seem seedy? Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Don't pay any attention to the moral police this is not the post for it.. I USED TO have sugar daddies and they we're expected to give me money and I never asked for it, maby he doesn't know you don't want the money and thinks it expected I say WTF take it like you said he'll just spend it on a football game or in Vegas so why not go have a good time, your not committed to him or his money if he want's to give you gifts, money ect. let him. but make it clear that's not why you are with him, Your NOT A WHORE!! But be prepated for this thread to get very heated Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 would you have felt as uncomfortable about it if it was a gift that was worth $200? maybe it was just the fact that it was cash. i have to admit i probably would have had the same reaction to it that you did and i do (perhaps naively so) think he was just being generous. but yes, i tend to be like you and overanalyze situations to death and probably would have come up with the same possibilities that you did. except for the manipulation possibilities are the other options really that terrible? have you ever felt like he was trying to "buy" your attention or affection before? i guess i'm wondering if it's just moved to a different level of caring for him.... Link to post Share on other sites
Withnail Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Hi kissmytiara. Im a MM who had an OW, and I think its more the top two reasons you gave ie, used to taking care, and whats a couple of dollars with loved ones. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Take it and have fun with it. It's the least he can do. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 He probably just gave it to you b/c he loves you and he wants you to have a good time. When my dh had an affair I don't think he gave the OW any money. I know that he took her out to eat a few times but that was about it. I know she bought him nice things. She bought him a very nice watch from the local jewlery store and nice shirts from an upscale clothing store. He gave the watch back to her when he ended it and I took the shirts to a thrift store. He had no arguements about me giving them away even though they were nice. Link to post Share on other sites
hooghie Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 if you really don't have any financial issues and could have spent your own $ and had just as good of a time- why did you take it?? I think eihter: 1. he thinks you need $/wouldn't spend it on yourself 2. he is paying you off because he feels guilty about what he is doing and that he is not there for you if I were you, I would accept gifts, but not cash- unless I could use the cash. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 I think sometimes they buy you stuff to make up for their conscience. They know they aren't giving you their 100% so they make it up in $$. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama I think sometimes they buy you stuff to make up for their conscience. They know they aren't giving you their 100% so they make it up in $$. Good one! Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 This MM does it because it's fun and arousing to buy his OW sexy clothes, shoes, etc. It's credit card sex--yet one more way to strengthen the bonds and to create and maintain that "Affair Bubble." Plus, there's an implied quid pro quo: the MM buys sexy, attractive items for his OW, which she wears and sheds (although sometimes not) when they have hot affair sex. It's shopping as foreplay. It has gone on for years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by izzybelle would you have felt as uncomfortable about it if it was a gift that was worth $200? maybe it was just the fact that it was cash. i have to admit i probably would have had the same reaction to it that you did and i do (perhaps naively so) think he was just being generous. but yes, i tend to be like you and overanalyze situations to death and probably would have come up with the same possibilities that you did. I hadn't thought about that... NO, if he had bought me a new Coach bag or spent $200 on dinner or something, I would have just thought it was a nice gesture. He has never given me a physical object/gift before, just dinners/drinks, so the fact that the first offering was cash was I think what really threw me off. But I think I agree with Withnail about the specifics of this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
surfergirl Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 I'm probably going to step on some toes with this one but I feel like I need to say it. The next time he offers you money why not tell him to put the money in a trust fund for his children and eventually it will build up.....meaning if you want to spend your time with someone who's married to another woman - that's your business -but when the s*** hits the fan his children, if he has any, could use that money for some counceling as to why daddy left mommy. I know it's harsh but baby but that's how it turns out - I know - I've been there. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 It's my understanding that daddy rarely leaves mommy for OW, so do you really think I should be so obsessed with that idea? Link to post Share on other sites
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