I feel pain (Updated about living together)

[sisa]

He contact me again after the NC, and I reply the phone and meet him.

I act cold in beginning few days, but after his nice talk I fall for it again.

 

His wife check his phone bill and find out he and me start contact again.

she wrote the mail to me that she will release the affair to my family and friends. she did it four days ago.

 

My dad is sad about my choice, and after talking, I promise him I won't contact MM after all. I write the last mail to him, tell him I won't contact him anymore too.

 

MM still try to reach me these days, but I did not response. today I get the mail from him, and here is parts of his mail:

 

...........

Yesterday my focus was on you and her again. I bring up the topic and say I want her, you and me meet to see that we are all normal people and no one is just a monster. We all should meet. I feel that is so important to solve this. All this brings me in severe unbalance. I feels heart hurt and my strength is weak.

I said you and me now is good friends and that we like to talk topics like biz and share ideas. I say your dream is that we can be friends and our families meet becasue respect and like each other.

I now feel you are right we try this way. I really don't want to lose you. So if I give up the romantic part you will be safe and I can still company in your life. Dreams became smaller now but that would be a my dream now. I want you safe from bad talking and threats. I hope me and you too can come back to a better stage, we should not be near and far like this.

...........

 

 

I don't think I can pretend nothing happen, and be friend to his wife. I feel hurting.

 

how you would do if facing this situation?

[anika99]

I think you should walk away and never look back. You made a promise to your father, be true to your word.

 

 

The MM wants you to help him lie to his wife. That is cruel and selfish of him. If he wants to be a dishonest coward let him do it himself, don't help him be that person and don't be that person yourself. The affair has turned him into an ugly person, a person who plays games and who selfishly thinks only of himself. Don't let it taint you in the same way.

 

 

Besides the ugliness of playing a trick on his wife and lying to her, remaining friends with him will only keep you tied to him and prolong your pain. Get the pain over with all at once right now and then you will move onto a healthier happier life.

[spiderowl]

The guy is crazy thinking you can all be nice friends now that you've decided not to contact him any more. It's all about him! It's all about what he wants and thinks you can all do together. There isn't anything in this that suggests he has an inkling how you are feeling.

 

There is no reason on earth why you should play happy families with him and his wife just so he can keep in touch with you (and no doubt hopefully still have chance of reeling you in again).

 

Think how much this is hurting you - the affair, all his shenanigans, his stupid suggestion of a nice friendship all together. This must be utterly confusing emotionally. The only way to get away from the confusion is to get him out of your life - him and his wife and family. Once he has gone and you've found yourself again and had chance to recover from this, you will not want to look back.

[sisa]

I might pregnant, not 100% sure now, need to go hospital.

 

should he need to know this?

 

can I decide if I want keep it or not?

[spiderowl]

The first thing is to get a test done, preferably somewhere where they have a counselling service too. Depending on how early a stage you are at, it could be you only need to take the 'morning after' pill. Please seek advice from a birth control service immediately.

 

You do not have to involve the father in your decision making. It is your choice whether or not to keep a baby. Let's just hope it's not a choice you end up having to make.

[whichwayisup]

He contact me again after the NC, and I reply the phone and meet him.

I act cold in beginning few days, but after his nice talk I fall for it again.

 

His wife check his phone bill and find out he and me start contact again.

she wrote the mail to me that she will release the affair to my family and friends. she did it four days ago.

 

My dad is sad about my choice, and after talking, I promise him I won't contact MM after all. I write the last mail to him, tell him I won't contact him anymore too.

 

MM still try to reach me these days, but I did not response. today I get the mail from him, and here is parts of his mail:

 

...........

Yesterday my focus was on you and her again. I bring up the topic and say I want her, you and me meet to see that we are all normal people and no one is just a monster. We all should meet. I feel that is so important to solve this. All this brings me in severe unbalance. I feels heart hurt and my strength is weak.

I said you and me now is good friends and that we like to talk topics like biz and share ideas. I say your dream is that we can be friends and our families meet becasue respect and like each other.

I now feel you are right we try this way. I really don't want to lose you. So if I give up the romantic part you will be safe and I can still company in your life. Dreams became smaller now but that would be a my dream now. I want you safe from bad talking and threats. I hope me and you too can come back to a better stage, we should not be near and far like this.

...........

 

 

I don't think I can pretend nothing happen, and be friend to his wife. I feel hurting.

 

how you would do if facing this situation?

 

First off, you need a big hug, so here's one.

 

Your MM is an extremely selfish man. He's hurting you and his wife! He wants to keep being married and keep you in his life as well, that's so unfair to you and his wife.

 

Tell him to leave you alone and not contact you again. His wife is fighting for their marriage and isn't happy about you two being in contact, hence her telling your family and friends about your A with her husband.

 

The best thing you can do is end it and walk away so you can grieve the loss and heal in a healthy way. No friendship is healthy for you, all that will do is keep you interested in him and prevent you from ever finding someone else to be with.

 

Rely on your friends and family to help you through this difficult time in your life.

[whichwayisup]

I might pregnant, not 100% sure now, need to go hospital.

 

should he need to know this?

 

can I decide if I want keep it or not?

 

Get to your Dr and have a blood test done.

 

Until you know whether you're pregnant or not there's no point in thinking the what if's at this point.

[sisa]

He write this to me today, I am in the cross road of life, I don't know what I should believe in. I feel I would regret if I meet, but would also regret if I don't meet.

 

I feel hurting that I feel so sad and want to see him but I need to keep silent.

 

...........

 

I make it short this time, as you don't feel important to respond. I am disappointed. In fact I really try a lot and use my time I had to solve the problem. But you both are right and you both don't want. So I stand helpless and alone with my effort.

In fact both of you tried for me but everyone has his method and in the end it is nothing about me anymore. Everybody just see himself. I stand with empty hands.

I talked till early morning again. I really try to solve the problem. She know that I have more than special connection with you. She say I love you. I make it clear that nothing can change it. I say the threatening to you is impolite wrong rude and useless. For most it is useless because I believed we can not change and we will find us again. This is my strong believing. This is also why I feel not only her threatening is useless but also your silence. Because we just lose time we could spend together talking and understand each other. I miss your company so much.

Time is the most expensive we have. And we waste it right now. We invest so much already.

 

I know you should respect your father and follow his advise. On the other hand I think you are also old enough to decide things for yourself and I doubt someone can imagine how strong we are bond to each other. I think it's difficult to imagine. Myself can't believe this power sometimes. But it is there for sure and I am very sure I will not lose you because you belong to me.

 

Please try to think positive way. The worst thing can happen is show video. And then? It's not going to change anything. So I feel you should feel more relaxed and more confident about us. In fact what makes me most uneasy is how easy you switch to disconnect with me. I always can't believe this happening between us. This does not fit to the nature of our connection. And I feel this is also a useless reaction from your side.

Please break your silence to me. Please meet me and let us talk.

You know we can not leave each other. Let's look in each others eyes. Let's talk. Let's feel better again.

 

I miss you so much.

 

...........

[Satu]

He contact me again after the NC, and I reply the phone and meet him.

I act cold in beginning few days, but after his nice talk I fall for it again.

 

His wife check his phone bill and find out he and me start contact again.

she wrote the mail to me that she will release the affair to my family and friends. she did it four days ago.

 

My dad is sad about my choice, and after talking, I promise him I won't contact MM after all. I write the last mail to him, tell him I won't contact him anymore too.

 

MM still try to reach me these days, but I did not response. today I get the mail from him, and here is parts of his mail:

 

...........

Yesterday my focus was on you and her again. I bring up the topic and say I want her, you and me meet to see that we are all normal people and no one is just a monster. We all should meet. I feel that is so important to solve this. All this brings me in severe unbalance. I feels heart hurt and my strength is weak.

I said you and me now is good friends and that we like to talk topics like biz and share ideas. I say your dream is that we can be friends and our families meet becasue respect and like each other.

I now feel you are right we try this way. I really don't want to lose you. So if I give up the romantic part you will be safe and I can still company in your life. Dreams became smaller now but that would be a my dream now. I want you safe from bad talking and threats. I hope me and you too can come back to a better stage, we should not be near and far like this.

...........

 

 

I don't think I can pretend nothing happen, and be friend to his wife. I feel hurting.

 

how you would do if facing this situation?

 

Don't be a pawn in somebody else's game.

[still_an_Angel]

Is he wanting an open relationship? With the W's blessing? Both your families can accept this situation? Your father has already expressed his disappointment in this relationship, how could the two families come together on this? He is still married, so is he bringing your R out in the open?

Sisa, I feel for your dilemna, I can understand what you're going through, but what do you really want from this A? I reckon its all or nothing kind of situation, don't settle for being the side piece again. Why should everything be on his terms?

[sisa]

he say he won't divorce and he won't marry me, because he don't want hurt his wife and kids.

 

what he want is I be there for him as a friend without romance, so it's not open relationship. He want I can be his wife friend so then he can meet me without stress.

 

I don't think I can be his wife friend because when I see her, I feel jealous and I feel low.

[truncated]

I'll keep it short.

 

The guy is an idiot. Stop tyrig to understand him, because unless you are also idiot , you will never be able to.

[anika99]

He write this to me today, I am in the cross road of life, I don't know what I should believe in. I feel I would regret if I meet, but would also regret if I don't meet.

 

I feel hurting that I feel so sad and want to see him but I need to keep silent.

 

...........

 

I make it short this time, as you don't feel important to respond. I am disappointed. In fact I really try a lot and use my time I had to solve the problem. But you both are right and you both don't want. So I stand helpless and alone with my effort.

In fact both of you tried for me but everyone has his method and in the end it is nothing about me anymore. Everybody just see himself. I stand with empty hands.

 

 

Awww...the poor poor man. He's so upset that it's not all about him anymore. He doesn't understand why both you and his wife are thinking for and about yourselves for a change. That's so unfair. Why can't it be all about him again?!! Why are you and his wife making things so difficult for him?!! Poor poor man.

 

I talked till early morning again. I really try to solve the problem. She know that I have more than special connection with you. She say I love you. I make it clear that nothing can change it. I say the threatening to you is impolite wrong rude and useless. For most it is useless because I believed we can not change and we will find us again. This is my strong believing. This is also why I feel not only her threatening is useless but also your silence. Because we just lose time we could spend together talking and understand each other. I miss your company so much.

Time is the most expensive we have. And we waste it right now. We invest so much already.

 

 

You and his wife are being so unreasonable. Instead of wasting this time why don't both of you realize how special he is and how lucky you two are to have him? What is wrong with my wife? Why doesn't she understand that I deserve to have my mistress, why must she be so selfish to expect me to be emotionally and physically faithful. It's not fair!!

 

I know you should respect your father and follow his advise. On the other hand I think you are also old enough to decide things for yourself and I doubt someone can imagine how strong we are bond to each other. I think it's difficult to imagine. Myself can't believe this power sometimes. But it is there for sure and I am very sure I will not lose you because you belong to me.

 

 

Yes do not listen to your father. After all he is only a man who truly loves you and wants the best for you. Listen to your MM, the man who says you belong to him, while he makes it clear that he doesn't belong to you because he is staying with his wife. If your MM loved you as much as your father loves you then he would not try to keep you as a mistress. He would think you deserve much better than that.

 

Please try to think positive way. The worst thing can happen is show video. And then? It's not going to change anything. So I feel you should feel more relaxed and more confident about us. In fact what makes me most uneasy is how easy you switch to disconnect with me. I always can't believe this happening between us. This does not fit to the nature of our connection. And I feel this is also a useless reaction from your side.

Please break your silence to me. Please meet me and let us talk.

You know we can not leave each other. Let's look in each others eyes. Let's talk. Let's feel better again.

 

 

Yes this is all your fault for not being willing to spend your life as his mistress. Because if you loved him you would not think of yourself and your future, you would only think of him and what makes him happy. He does not respect you and he thinks you do not deserve to even have self respect. He thinks you should happily take whatever little crumbs he offers you and pretend it's a feast Because he only cares about himself, he is not showing any care or concern for your feelings or your pain. It's all about him.

 

I miss you so much.

 

...........

 

I don't know what video he is talking about but I think you should totally show it. This is a creepy creepy selfish manipulative man. His messages to you are entirely about himself. He shows no remorse or empathy for you or his wife. He is very narcissistic.

[GirlStillStrong]

He contact me again after the NC, and I reply the phone and meet him.

I act cold in beginning few days, but after his nice talk I fall for it again.

 

His wife check his phone bill and find out he and me start contact again.

she wrote the mail to me that she will release the affair to my family and friends. she did it four days ago.

 

My dad is sad about my choice, and after talking, I promise him I won't contact MM after all. I write the last mail to him, tell him I won't contact him anymore too.

 

MM still try to reach me these days, but I did not response. today I get the mail from him, and here is parts of his mail:

 

...........

Yesterday my focus was on you and her again. I bring up the topic and say I want her, you and me meet to see that we are all normal people and no one is just a monster. We all should meet. I feel that is so important to solve this. All this brings me in severe unbalance. I feels heart hurt and my strength is weak.

I said you and me now is good friends and that we like to talk topics like biz and share ideas. I say your dream is that we can be friends and our families meet becasue respect and like each other.

I now feel you are right we try this way. I really don't want to lose you. So if I give up the romantic part you will be safe and I can still company in your life. Dreams became smaller now but that would be a my dream now. I want you safe from bad talking and threats. I hope me and you too can come back to a better stage, we should not be near and far like this.

...........

 

 

I don't think I can pretend nothing happen, and be friend to his wife. I feel hurting.

 

how you would do if facing this situation?

What he is asking is that instead of him growing up, accepting responsibility, and doing what is really difficult, he expects everyone else to accommodate HIS WEAKNESS. He should not have pursued, and cultivated a relationship with, you but he is asking everyone else to accept this as OK. This person is not a man; he is a child. You cannot be friends with him and it is ABSURD that he is asking you and his wife to be friends. He is selfish and immature.

 

What I would do in this situation is be the strong one and do what I need to do to show him that polygamy is not acceptable to me. I would be the one who does what is difficult and painful, which is what will allow ME to mature and grow as a person. I would refuse him, and go on with my life. Struggle through the pain and find the strength within that you never knew you had.

Edited December 26, 2014 by GirlStillStrong

[sisa]

I don't know what video he is talking about but I think you should totally show it. This is a creepy creepy selfish manipulative man. His messages to you are entirely about himself. He shows no remorse or empathy for you or his wife. He is very narcissistic.

 

His wife got a sex video of us from his phone one year ago (video itself is three years ago), and told my family she will reveal it if we keep contact.

[Cressida]

His wife got a sex video of us from his phone one year ago (video itself is three years ago), and told my family she will reveal it if we keep contact.

 

Girlfriend, run. Wtf, do you want yourself to be mocked and ridiculed? You should tell her that there are legal consequences for this, what do you mean she will reveal it? It is you in that video, not her. Talk to a lawyer and the police and make sure you inform him that you'll take legal steps towards this....this is unbelievable. And he thinks you should be friends with his wife??

 

Have you informed him of what his wife threatened you with? Doesn't he have a say in it? Come on...

 

Do you live somewhere where adultery is criminalized? For both parties, even if you are unmarried? If you don't, contact the police....do not allow some strange woman dangle this over your head, it is your life and your reputation....what would your family think about this. Really this is the worst ever.

[Rainbowlove]

It sounds like you have NOTHING to gain by continuing contact with MM.

 

He's not leaving his wife and family.

 

His wife will show your family a sex video. That would be enough for me to NEVER talk to this guy again.

 

You have suffered enough.

[GirlStillStrong]

His wife got a sex video of us from his phone one year ago (video itself is three years ago), and told my family she will reveal it if we keep contact.

 

This woman is serious. I would not want this video being shared with my family, or on the internet. I hope you start seeing the truth about this guy soon.

[whatatangledweb]

His wife will never allow this nor will she be friends. He tells you that you too will be just friends but that is a lie. He wants to continue the affair. He is the one that you believe you might be pregnant by, right? This woman will show the video. I don't think she cares whether it is legal or not. Stay away before you are hurt again and your reputation is ruined.

[sisa]

he know we can be together if he divorce isn't it?

I feel so hurting when read this, I feel I did the right thing but seems I am the person who don't treasure it.

 

............

 

I guess you made up your mind very well.

I can be happy if you just read this,

but it does not matter

because our paths wont cross anymore

life is just so meaningless

It would not have happened if your soul really bond with mine

I wish you can't forget me and will regret your silence

let me be alone now in my agony

 

............

[truncated]

Girlfriend, run. Wtf, do you want yourself to be mocked and ridiculed? You should tell her that there are legal consequences for this, what do you mean she will reveal it? It is you in that video, not her. Talk to a lawyer and the police and make sure you inform him that you'll take legal steps towards this....this is unbelievable. And he thinks you should be friends with his wife??

 

Have you informed him of what his wife threatened you with? Doesn't he have a say in it? Come on...

 

Do you live somewhere where adultery is criminalized? For both parties, even if you are unmarried? If you don't, contact the police....do not allow some strange woman dangle this over your head, it is your life and your reputation....what would your family think about this. Really this is the worst ever.

 

 

Actually, if it's a phone that is paid frorm from family money ( i.e.- the wife helps pay the bills), then the phone is also considered hers, and assuming that the op willingly allowed the video to be filmed, the wife has every legal right to distribute it, as it was on a phone which, legally, also belongs to her. Also, if one wishes to get techinal, in many jurisdictions, sending the sex vidoe to a phone that is considered community property ( on an account that both the husband and wife use), depending on the law where the op lives, she miight have zero expectation of privacy, and may have even broekn the law by sending it in the first place.

 

I'm not sayng it's right, simply saying that going to the police with this only opnes up a whole can of worms that would far better be left closed.

 

If the husband in this situation want to leave his wife, he will. He isn;t, so he doens't want to leave. It's a whole lot of drama over a simple truth.

 

he's a lying, sneaking snake in the grass.

[sisa]

is there any OW on the board live with separated MM?

I have long discussion with him these two days, he tell his W that he want stay with me and he want live with me. but He don't want divorce because not good for the kids and hurt his wife too. he say things take time and now he think separate and live with me in another city Could work because kids would think he just work in another place. He say he decide for me and want me think about it.

part of me understand his concern because I don't want see them in pain too. maybe just my traditional thinking feel being lover is insecure and low.

I know he do a lot for me, he told his wife that he want to be with me. He tell me his wife didn't do any wrong things and he can't just leave her, he has responsible to her too.

is there anyone here has similar situation?

[SunshineToday]

Sisa,

You are destroying yourself emotionally and messing up your life by staying with this manipulator.

I know you can't see the forest through the tresses but things can get better for you once you cut this cancer out of your life.

Leave him for good. Focus on you. You will see.

[jellybean89]

I don't believe for a second his wife would be ok with him living with you.

 

Please please stop playing these games. Your actions have already caused so much hurt to your family. The wife still has the sex tape she has threatened to send to your family...is being a mistress to this man more important to you than having your family have pride in you? This man is not going to marry you, he is not going to have a family with you. You are wasting years of your life for a man who is not worth it.

 

Why do you not see this?

[sisa]

I also think his wife will not accept or feel ok at this moment, what I wish maybe one day she can not feel so bad about this.

 

I want to be with this man, and I don't want he feel guilty and regret in future, so that's why I feel maybe ok to try to be with him even he is not divorce yet. He say he will live with me, and we build up our future together, sometimes I feel have life together maybe better than be the wife but seperate.

 

so confuse sometimes too.