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Ready to move on but don't know how to let go


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My story is on here but I don't post much. I'm a MW and my AP lives with his gf. We were good friends and coworkers for a year before the affair started. Looking back we were probably having an emotional affair the last 6 months but neither one of us had any idea what that was. Once I got laid off from my job and we knew we wouldn't see eachother at work anymore is when the texting started, which turned into the emotional affair and then later physical.

 

It is now 16 months later and I feel like I am in the worst addiction of my life. It is hell but yet it is so hard to get out. We have both gone NC and broke it. We hate not talking to eachother, we can go months without touching eachother but not speaking for more then a day is so hard for us. We both know we have to stop, we have no plans on leaving our spouses but are selfish. I really believe we love each other but timing is a bitch and you can't have everyone you love. My question is how the hell do I finally let go. Hes a wonderful guy and he's my bestfriend but I know it's never going to go anywhere and we both need to move on.

 

I have no idea who I am anymore. Don't bother telling me to come clean to my husband because that won't happen. I guess what I am asking is how did you just finally accept that it was time to move on even when you didn't want to and how did you get through the grieving? We went 2 months NC once and it was so hard . I'm scared to fail at it again.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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No harsh words from me. I feel your pain.

 

It absolutely sucks to love someone else while you are married.

 

How do you end it? You just do.

 

Eventually, it will continue to decay your soul. It's a day by day process.

 

Practical ****; blocking numbers, getting into counseling, grieving, keeping busy. Really cutting him off.

 

And there's no time like the present. Thing is, you will never be the same and your life is changed forever.

 

I'm one year post affair and it's still incredibly painful.

 

Stay strong and do it, go no contact and stick to it.

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It's very similar to quitting smoking. If the resolve is high enough, it will happen. The question is. Are you ready and committed? If you recognize its bad for you, then commit to it.

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No harsh words from me. I feel your pain.

 

It absolutely sucks to love someone else while you are married.

 

How do you end it? You just do.

 

Eventually, it will continue to decay your soul. It's a day by day process.

 

Practical ****; blocking numbers, getting into counseling, grieving, keeping busy. Really cutting him off.

 

And there's no time like the present. Thing is, you will never be the same and your life is changed forever.

 

I'm one year post affair and it's still incredibly painful.

 

Stay strong and do it, go no contact and stick to it.

 

 

The Decaying your soul is spot on how I feel. I know I can block my numbers and all of that but he's the type of person where if I told him I really Needed him to not contact me again he would respect it. Same thing if he asked me. I just don't know how to close the door for good. The thought of never talking to him again is so painful but continuing like this is just as awful.

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It's very similar to quitting smoking. If the resolve is high enough, it will happen. The question is. Are you ready and committed? If you recognize its bad for you, then commit to it.

 

I know it's awful for me, I have cried and yelled and gone to therapy about about it and yet I'm still here like an idiot. This is terrible.

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The pain and what ifs are what scares me but being in this same spot a year from now would be worse. I remember being NC last year with him at this time and the fact that I am here a year later in the same spot is crazy to me. What do they say insanity is.....doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That's an affair.

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The pain and what ifs are what scares me but being in this same spot a year from now would be worse. I remember being NC last year with him at this time and the fact that I am here a year later in the same spot is crazy to me. What do they say insanity is.....doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That's an affair.

 

So why won't you tell your husband?

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My husband will get physical with the OM. He would also destroy everything in our home. I know some people think telling is the only way but not in my home.

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My husband will get physical with the OM. He would also destroy everything in our home. I know some people think telling is the only way but not in my home.

 

Well. If that's the case then end it with your OM. It's time to stop being selfish. If you care for your H then it should be easy to quit the OM. Additionally if you care for the physical well being of your OM, then that's also incentive to finally kill this thing.

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My husband will get physical with the OM. He would also destroy everything in our home. I know some people think telling is the only way but not in my home.

 

It's your choice. I think, though, the guilt and secrecy of the affair will catch up to you and you'll always be worried he will find out.

 

Start making better choices now for everyone.

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My OM knows that if my husband found out there would be a confrontation, he has known since day one.

 

My husband and I's marriage has been a mess for years. We love eachother because of the time we have spent together and we have a child together. We both know if it wasn't for our child we wouldn't be together. We are great parents together but our son is the glue that holds it. I left him

two years ago for two months but our son was miserable and my husband begged me to come back and give it another try. I felt like it was the right thing to do. We both grew up with parents who are still together and wanted that for our son.

 

I'm not saying staying for the children is the right thing because it's not but it makes it a lot harder to leave when your child is hurting.

 

I never thought I would be a cheater, I thought I had found some great friend at work I connected with. Someone once wrote something and it hit home for me. They said "I should have never been more then friends with my AP but now the repercussions of my actions is that now we can never be friends"

Edited by Ronnie33
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I think only part of you wants things to be different. The other part is happy with this situation. Having the marriage and what comes with it, then there is the excitement of the affair you want both so you will change nothing. Be honest with yourself.

 

What makes you want to change is the fear of getting caught and the fallout from it. Losing control, on one hand maybe OM will start to distance himself from you as his new relationship grows with his girlfriend, on the other your husband finding out. From reading your posts, it seems that's what fear, having the decision made for you.

 

Truth here is when and if you REALLY want something to change it will. Right now, this is what you want, this drama, living on the edge. It makes you feel.

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You can also look for new hobbies, interest, anything new that will occupy your time and slowly let your mind drift from the affair, from him. The thing is the excitement of an affair is like anything else, it's not sustainable in the long haul. The intensity eventually burns off, m'eh. If you don't want to rip the bandaid and feel the pain, the other alternative is to find something else to occupy your time (I don't suggest another affair or another man though)

 

 

It's working for me.

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I think only part of you wants things to be different. The other part is happy with this situation. Having the marriage and what comes with it, then there is the excitement of the affair you want both so you will change nothing. Be honest with yourself.

 

What makes you want to change is the fear of getting caught and the fallout from it. Losing control, on one hand maybe OM will start to distance himself from you as his new relationship grows with his girlfriend, on the other your husband finding out. From reading your posts, it seems that's what fear, having the decision made for you.

 

Truth here is when and if you REALLY want something to change it will. Right now, this is what you want, this drama, living on the edge. It makes you feel.

 

Of course I don't want the choice made for me, does anyone? Did you want your husband to find out and leave you when you were in the affair? Did you want your kids and family to know?? No, I'm sure you didn't but now that you have reconciled you think you can judge.

 

I know the affair needs to end and I am trying to do it before it explodes and every own involved gets hurt. Yes I am being totally selfish and I completely own it but don't sit there and tell me I like the drama and living on the edge. You know nothing about my situation.

 

That being said, thanks for your reply.

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You can also look for new hobbies, interest, anything new that will occupy your time and slowly let your mind drift from the affair, from him. The thing is the excitement of an affair is like anything else, it's not sustainable in the long haul. The intensity eventually burns off, m'eh. If you don't want to rip the bandaid and feel the pain, the other alternative is to find something else to occupy your time (I don't suggest another affair or another man though)

 

 

It's working for me.

 

I would never have another affair again, this is hell.

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I just want to say that there is another person recently posting on this site who decided not to confess, but her husband found out anyway. If you believe that your husband will become violent with you, then yes, keep your mouth shut. But if you are doing this to protect the OM, then you need to seriously check your priorities. Why end the affair and go back to your husband if you don't love him? If you still do love your husband, then you need to stop putting the OM before him. Not confessing to protect your AP kind of shows that your marriage won't work. Your husband will always be second to the OM.

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Oh for ..... EVERYONE JUDGES EVERYONE...just like you judged her with your snarky reply. Everyone knows that the 'excitement' and secrecy of the affair is part of the allure of the affair. Forbidden fruit and all.

 

Have you read what Lovin and her husband have been through? If so, you wouldn't be as JUDGMENTAL with her as you are. But ya know what, EVERYONE JUDGES EVERYONE, including you.

 

You say you know the affair needs to end...so end it. Stop having a selfish attitude, stop with being a coward and just end it. Just as you say you she doesn't KNOW your situation, it is evident YOU don't know HER situation.

 

Not sure what replies you wanted....but you have to learn to take the good with the bad.

 

You are in the same spot you were a year ago (your words). So change it. If it is too hard for you to end an affair, then embrace it and deal with it.

 

Have you ever been in affair Jellybean or are you BS? I noticed you never answer this question when people ask and are always hard on any WS that comments. You come off very self righteous and rude in my opinion and I have been lurking here for months.

 

I am familiar with Lovins story and know what her and her husband went through but just because during her affair that's how she felt doesn't mean it's how I feel.

 

I know I need to end it this hell but it's the hardest thing I have ever done and I don't know why. That's why I was asking other people how they got thru it.

 

Nothig more and nothing less

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Ugh...WHY does it always have to be that the married woman involved in an affair must 'tell their husband', 'come clean', get a divorce so he can be 'set free' and 'find love with someone who deserves him more', while cheating men are told 'fight for your marriage', 'don't leave your sacred wife for a mistress', 'try to fix things up' ??

 

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND and DO NOT TELL HIM, particularly if you know he'd get violent. Nothing good can come out of that.

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Hes a wonderful guy and he's my bestfriend but I know it's never going to go anywhere and we both need to move on. (....)I guess what I am asking is how did you just finally accept that it was time to move on even when you didn't want to and how did you get through the grieving?

 

I think it's good that you have a positive image of the AP and you're not leaving the relationship with a bitter taste and broken heart. For once, it's refreshing to see this happening, after so much pain most women go through.

 

Secondly, this can also help you as it can be a catalyst for you to move on. The desire to move on, as previously stated in a comment, must be exponentially high to motivate you enough to walk away. But it's also a sort of double-edged sword as it can slow down the process- it's hard to leave someone you love, someone nice, who 'never' wronged you.

 

You can think of the negative consequences of the relationship continuing. You are wasting time in a relationship with no future, as you don't want to leave your marriage. You could improve your marriage and be happy again with your husband, it is a possibility.

 

The torment is also another motivator- bad feelings every day, feeling miserable, for what? Yes he's a great person and you two are so compatible, but is that sufficient payoff for your unhappiness?

 

You are currently ready to let go. You just need to find the strength to do it, motivate yourself. It's not good for you to depend on someone else for your emotional happiness if you have a husband. You're not alone, you don't have to go through the process of dating, rejection, further heartbreak, that could send you straight back into AP's arms. You can try to focus on the good things in your marriage and try to make your husband become your best friend.

 

What kept you from getting over it and moving on last year, when you mentioned therapy and still being unable to move on? Is it the personal closeness, the sexual connection?

 

Unfortunately that's what I can think of, I am not married so I've had no experience akin to yours. I understand your heartbreak and truly sympathize with you. But you are not alone in this, and this is a huge factor that could help you.

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SycamoreCircle
Of course I don't want the choice made for me, does anyone? Did you want your husband to find out and leave you when you were in the affair? Did you want your kids and family to know?? No, I'm sure you didn't but now that you have reconciled you think you can judge.

 

I know the affair needs to end and I am trying to do it before it explodes and every own involved gets hurt. Yes I am being totally selfish and I completely own it but don't sit there and tell me I like the drama and living on the edge. You know nothing about my situation.

 

That being said, thanks for your reply.

 

OP, I think it's the stuff you don't want to hear, the stuff you don't want to talk about that is the key to working this problem out. You've made a very difficult situation for yourself through your selfishness. Now, it's like you're saying, "I know I messed up, I know I'm hurting people, I know I'm hurting myself, but I don't want to do anything that accounts for this pain. I don't want any of the consequences for choices I made." That is selfishness. You either deal with this problem directly and accept your role in it or continue inventing delays and distractions that compound the pain.

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Sorry you are going through this OP, but like others said, if deep down you absolutely know you have to end this and want this to end, you would end it. But you are still torn with wanting it to continue and but knowing it would be bad for everyone involved if you continue.

 

 

I can't imagine the war that will be created if you are ever caught, so I hope that never happens!

 

 

This thread reminds me of someone I knew who went through an affair. She was the OW though, but she was also married and was going through the same turmoil as you. But once the excitement and thrill of the affair and being with someone new and sneaking around wore off, her decision was made for her. Her married AP maybe started to get bored of her or found someone else or something (to this day she still doesn't know what started the beginning of the end) and started to distance himself. And the affair just...flamed out.

 

 

So while she was all worried about trying to end it, but being unable to, in the end she got dumped by her MM in a gradual fade out. And in retrospect she tells me it was the best thing that happened to her or else she thinks she would never have been able to put her foot down and leave. And she was lucky she never got caught during all that time too.

 

 

So in maybe in your case, you could try distancing yourself if going completely cold turkey is too hard for you? With some distance you might realize your affair partner may not be all so perfect and the affair is not all that fun and too much work?

Or just like my acquantaince, maybe time will pass and the affair may just die out on its own though it may not feel that way right now?

 

 

I don't know I seem to be rambling but I guess I am sort of echoing whatsoraven's sentiments.

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My husband and I's marriage has been a mess for years. We love each other because of the time we have spent together and we have a child tog5] We are great parents together but our son is the glue that holds it. I left two years ago for two months but our son was miserable and my husband begged me to come back and give it another try. I felt like it was the right thing to do. We both grew up with parents who are still together and wanted that for our son.

 

I maybe have a different perspective here and i know you do not want to, but think you should leave this sham of a marriage, before your son cottons on to the fact you are not in love with your husband. Kids are smart, what sort of role model of a happy marriage are you actually presenting to your son. Someone wrote about that the other day, his parents stayed but were never truly affectionate to one another, it was a show for the kids, and he picked it up that and it has affected the way he views and treats people to this day.

 

Two months was not long enough for your son to get over the two of you splitting up, had you stayed away, then by now he would have got used to the situation, especially if his father stayed close by and stayed in his life.

I do not think you should leave to run into the arms of the AP, I just think you would be better off and happier, leaving.

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I maybe have a different perspective here and i know you do not want to, but think you should leave this sham of a marriage, before your son cottons on to the fact you are not in love with your husband. Kids are smart, what sort of role model of a happy marriage are you actually presenting to your son. Someone wrote about that the other day, his parents stayed but were never truly affectionate to one another, it was a show for the kids, and he picked it up that and it has affected the way he views and treats people to this day.

 

Two months was not long enough for your son to get over the two of you splitting up, had you stayed away, then by now he would have got used to the situation, especially if his father stayed close by and stayed in his life.

I do not think you should leave to run into the arms of the AP, I just think you would be better off and happier, leaving.

 

 

Would you give the same advice to a man cheating on his wife with a mistress? Would you tell him that he has to divorce his wife, end his sham of a marriage and not invoke the kid pretext and just go about his life and be happy?

 

I am always surprised at how women are quick to tell other women to leave their husbands, to then tell the mistresses that the MM will most likely never leave their wives for them. Why is that?

 

Why not suggest she focused on her marriage, if she posted here about wanting to get out of an affair and doing exactly that? If she and her husband decided that they want to be together for their child, why is this wrong? How many men in affairs do the same and they never leave their wives for the OWs, and everyone agrees that that is 'the norm'. But married women must always leave their husbands at the drop of a hat...BAD advice imo.

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I think it's good that you have a positive image of the AP and you're not leaving the relationship with a bitter taste and broken heart. For once, it's refreshing to see this happening, after so much pain most women go through.

 

Secondly, this can also help you as it can be a catalyst for you to move on. The desire to move on, as previously stated in a comment, must be exponentially high to motivate you enough to walk away. But it's also a sort of double-edged sword as it can slow down the process- it's hard to leave someone you love, someone nice, who 'never' wronged you.

 

You can think of the negative consequences of the relationship continuing. You are wasting time in a relationship with no future, as you don't want to leave your marriage. You could improve your marriage and be happy again with your husband, it is a possibility.

 

The torment is also another motivator- bad feelings every day, feeling miserable, for what? Yes he's a great person and you two are so compatible, but is that sufficient payoff for your unhappiness?

 

You are currently ready to let go. You just need to find the strength to do it, motivate yourself. It's not good for you to depend on someone else for your emotional happiness if you have a husband. You're not alone, you don't have to go through the process of dating, rejection, further heartbreak, that could send you straight back into AP's arms. You can try to focus on the good things in your marriage and try to make your husband become your best friend.

 

What kept you from getting over it and moving on last year, when you mentioned therapy and still being unable to move on? Is it the personal closeness, the sexual connection?

 

Unfortunately that's what I can think of, I am not married so I've had no experience akin to yours. I understand your heartbreak and truly sympathize with you. But you are not alone in this, and this is a huge factor that could help you.

 

Thank You Cressida

 

You are totally right about it being a double edge sword. I think it's almost easier to move on when you are angry at someone because it fuels the fire. Walking away when you both still care and have no bad feelings toward eachother is hard. I don't know what's worse anymore.

 

A year ago I was NC for two months. I missed him so much and felt like it got worse as time passed. At that point all we had done was kissed but I missed the friendship we had. I definitely think it's the emotional connection that keeps me from moving on. Yes we have insane sexual chemistry but I think that's standard for affairs and we have never actually slept together yet. I was always petrified to take that final step, scared we could never go back from it. I know it sounds ridiculous after a 16 months and everything else we have done.

 

I'll never tell my husband, if he finds out in his own then I'll suffer the consequences and come clean.

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