How the OM/MM feels about MW having sex with H

[OverIt75]

I am a few months out of a near-year long A...had a D Day (horrible) and now trying to reconcile with my H. As I am coming out of the so-called 'fog', there are thoughts that pop into my mind, like THIS one, that make me wonder what in the world I was thinking??

 

Someone posted in another thread that if a man is 'fine' with you having sex with someone else, they simply cannot care about you. So my question is - how do (or did) your OM or MM feel about you having sex with your H? Is it something that is just accepted as part of the affair dynamic? Or is it perhaps understood, but truly disturbing anyway?

 

I always thought it a little strange that my exMM seemed to be perfectly fine that I still was with my H physically. He would even want to 'chat' about it at times. I couldn't relate because SUPPOSEDLY he and his BW had not been intimate for 3-4 years.

 

Thoughts?

 

(For those that have followed my story, H and I are doing pretty well. Stuff like this seems to be part of me realizing the ugly truth of my situation...)

[prettyeyes87]

I am a few months out of a near-year long A...had a D Day (horrible) and now trying to reconcile with my H. As I am coming out of the so-called 'fog', there are thoughts that pop into my mind, like THIS one, that make me wonder what in the world I was thinking??

 

Someone posted in another thread that if a man is 'fine' with you having sex with someone else, they simply cannot care about you. So my question is - how do (or did) your OM or MM feel about you having sex with your H? Is it something that is just accepted as part of the affair dynamic? Or is it perhaps understood, but truly disturbing anyway?

 

I always thought it a little strange that my exMM seemed to be perfectly fine that I still was with my H physically. He would even want to 'chat' about it at times. I couldn't relate because SUPPOSEDLY he and his BW had not been intimate for 3-4 years.

 

Thoughts?

 

(For those that have followed my story, H and I are doing pretty well. Stuff like this seems to be part of me realizing the ugly truth of my situation...)

This is very interesting. I have had a thing with a MM but my experience with this statement actually comes from dealing with my ex (my daughter's dad). He was actually telling me a story about one of his ex-girlfriends before me. This exGF of his had cheated on him with a friend of his during their relationship and he broke up with her, Even though they were broken up, he still would hit her up for booty calls...I asked him how he can he stand sleeping with her after what she did to him, his response was that he didn't care about her so he used her for sex. I asked him what he would do if i cheated on him and he got very angry and told me he would dump me, he would go out bang others chicks but he would NEVER touch me again because he really liked me. His own mom told me she could tell he was never serious about the exGF so to bang her after another man had touched her didn't mean anything to him.

[Realist3]

So my question is - how do (or did) your OM or MM feel about you having sex with your H? Is it something that is just accepted as part of the affair dynamic? Or is it perhaps understood, but truly disturbing anyway?

 

Never had an issue with it. She is married. Married people have sex. I am married and I have sex with my wife. I knew that going in. Neither of us played the sexless marriage card. If she was satisfied with her sex life at home she wouldn't make such an effort to have sex with me.

[Owl6118]

(For those that have followed my story, H and I are doing pretty well. Stuff like this seems to be part of me realizing the ugly truth of my situation...)

 

It is nice to see you drop by. I have often wondered how you are fairing through what will, come what may, always be one of the hardest if not the hardest passages in your life. I am very glad you and your husband are communicating and connecting.

[carhill]

How the OM/MM feels about MW having sex with H

 

Polyamorous and promiscuous women in my generation are unremarkable so I never really gave it any thought. My first MW was having a PA with her boss and still recounting sexual encounters with her H as well. I learned young about the realities of MW's and few disappointed over the decades. Sex can simply be an activity; it's pleasurable, one, and can serve a purpose, two. I came to understand, for some of the MW's anyway, that sex was a sometimes pleasurable tool to achieve whatever goal they had in mind at the time. Applied properly, men can be pretty easily controlled with sex. The best of the MW's were quite good at that.

[OverIt75]

Appreciate the replies. Especially to Realist and Carhill, I guess what I am getting at is - if the OM/MM is 'fine' with his MW having sex with her H, does that mean he must not truly care about her? Realist, from reading your story, I don't think that's the case. Carhill, you seem a lot more...umm...surgical about it.

 

Owl - thank you! I am grateful to have an H who is willing to build a new M with me.

[aliveagain]

I am a few months out of a near-year long A...had a D Day (horrible) and now trying to reconcile with my H. As I am coming out of the so-called 'fog', there are thoughts that pop into my mind, like THIS one, that make me wonder what in the world I was thinking??

 

Someone posted in another thread that if a man is 'fine' with you having sex with someone else, they simply cannot care about you. So my question is - how do (or did) your OM or MM feel about you having sex with your H? Is it something that is just accepted as part of the affair dynamic? Or is it perhaps understood, but truly disturbing anyway?

 

I always thought it a little strange that my exMM seemed to be perfectly fine that I still was with my H physically. He would even want to 'chat' about it at times. I couldn't relate because SUPPOSEDLY he and his BW had not been intimate for 3-4 years.

 

Thoughts?

 

(For those that have followed my story, H and I are doing pretty well. Stuff like this seems to be part of me realizing the ugly truth of my situation...)

 

Why would you care if you are trying to reconcile with your husband, why are you allowing O/M to take space in your thoughts? You should be imagining a big red stop sign every time a thought of him enters your mind. Why are you not wondering what your husband thought when you made yourself available to other man and how can you help him remove all those nasty images of the two of you from his mind. Other man is nothing but an opportunist cutting in on your husband and using you to make a fool out of him. He helped you tear your marriage to it's foundation, you still don't know for certain if it will recover. That is the ugly truth.

 

Wondering how O/M felt when you had sex with your husband just shows how far you still have to go. Have you told your husband about these thoughts or are you hiding that from him? You are a long way from reconciliation if you still have questions like this going through your head. The sooner you change the way you think about O/M the better the chance you give your marriage. As long as you continue to have thoughts about O/M your only being half the partner you should be to your husband because your stealing that from him. Build in boundaries and honour them.

[jbp005]

I am currently with a MW. I'm told it's not very often or good when they do which I don't necessarily believe. We have had a pregnancy scare and she said it would have been mine so maybe it isn't very often. I had a problem with it originally, and still kind of do. However, I feel if she enjoys and wants it with me then that's all that matters to me, and try not to think about what else is going on. She's told me a little about it. I knew them both before we started this and he would make comments related to him being good etc, she would scoff, or make some comment so maybe she has been sexually frustrated for awhile, which is what she has said as well.

[carhill]

Yeah, sure, though perhaps 'surgical' now, due to understanding better how life works than in my early 20's, I definitely did care, and we went back and forth for the better part of a decade. At the time, she was using me to wean herself off her boss and get pregnant again by her H. I had my suspicions about her son's father but meeting him as an adult many years later confirmed, to me anyway, that he was his father's, and not her former boss's (whom I knew also) son.

 

Adjunct to that, I'll allow for my psychology being a bit different from other men in that I don't covet women sexually the way other men do, visualizing in my mind other men having sex with a particular woman and being competitors for sexual 'rights' as it were. That's why I see the behaviors mentioned as unremarkable, combined with being exposed to them a lot over the decades. People do what they do.

[Realist3]

Appreciate the replies. Especially to Realist and Carhill, I guess what I am getting at is - if the OM/MM is 'fine' with his MW having sex with her H, does that mean he must not truly care about her? Realist, from reading your story, I don't think that's the case. Carhill, you seem a lot more...umm...surgical about it.

 

Owl - thank you! I am grateful to have an H who is willing to build a new M with me.

 

I truly care about her. I love her like I have never loved anyone. But, I realize where we are at this point. I can't think of anything positive that would come out of me stressing about that. The thoughts of them having sex really never enter into my mind. As you said earlier, it is just part of the affair dynamic. You can either accept it, or you can drive yourself crazy about it, but at the same time you knew going in you were getting involved with a married person. We both have a high libido, and the 1-3 times a month we do arrange to have sex would not be nearly enough.

 

We have admitted to each other that most times we do think about each other when we are having sex with our spouses. Other than that, it is never mentioned.

[Sub]

If she was satisfied with her sex life at home she wouldn't make such an effort to have sex with me.

This makes me wonder: does knowing about the quality (or lack thereof) of her sex life at home color your perspective on this? Would you feel differently if there wasn't an issue at home in that department?

[Owl6118]

I might not have punched quite as hard as Aliveagain, but I don't at heart disagree with him.

 

To what end this question, OverIt?

 

There are really only two answers.

 

One, he was using you for gratification of his own needs with little or no connection to you emotionally. Dwelling on this will lead to a shame spiral.

 

Two, there was a real emotional connection there and he had to compartmentalize the thought that you were sexually active with your husband at the same time becuase admitting that reality would have caused him pain and cognitive dissonance. But if so the connection was purchased by both of you at the cost of your integrity and empathy for your spouses. It was tainted fruit, poised from the first becuase of the betrayal which was the soil in which it rooted.

 

So really, what is resolved either way? And what profit do you gain from dwelling there?

[OverIt75]

Alive & Owl...

 

As much as it may not be apparent to you, I AM recovering. I don't post here often, so what I do post is maybe 1 thought in 1000...

 

I was just curious, thus the question. Reading a comment from another thread made me wonder. And frankly, it helps me to remember that exMM was probably just using me. Of course I know not all MM (or MW) are like this. But is is another dose of reality when I recall how he not only took it pretty well, but even would initiate conversations with me about it.

 

Yuck.

[Owl6118]

As much as it may not be apparent to you, I AM recovering.

 

I take you at your word. But all we know is what you choose to share. You haven't told us much about recovery in this topic, so yes, much of the progress will, ipso facto, not be as apparent to us as to you. Especially if the first post after a long while is 25% marriage and 75% OM by subject matter.

[Nawlins]

Overit75, what do you mean by the ugly truth of your situation? Are you thinking that you were just “sex” toyour AP? It appears you are trying to make sense of what you meant to your AP? Does knowing that you could have been “just sex” instead of something special make the affair any different for you, ormore importantly your husband and family? How doesthis help you or your family heal from the affair? I’m going to have to agree with some of Aliveagain’s comments in some ways because as a BH I did not care whether my ex-wife was “justsex” or something special to her AP, she still destroyed a beautiful marriage and family that has never fully recovered 12 years later.

Edited December 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed formatting

[Realist3]

This makes me wonder: does knowing about the quality (or lack thereof) of her sex life at home color your perspective on this? Would you feel differently if there wasn't an issue at home in that department?

 

Would I feel differently? I wouldn't. Like I mentioned if I were relying on her for sex, and it was my main driver this would have been done long ago, but it is not. Sure the sex is fantastic, but out main bond is the emotional side. Because of family stuff there are times when we don't see each other(dates) for a month or longer. Take this month. I have publically seen her once, and no dates, and won't as we will be in different cities for the rest of the year. During the summers there have been times when we have gone three months without a date, and not seeing each other at all. So, no if the sex component were absent, it would not change my perspective about her.

[aliveagain]

Alive & Owl...

 

As much as it may not be apparent to you, I AM recovering. I don't post here often, so what I do post is maybe 1 thought in 1000...

 

I was just curious, thus the question. Reading a comment from another thread made me wonder. And frankly, it helps me to remember that exMM was probably just using me. Of course I know not all MM (or MW) are like this. But is is another dose of reality when I recall how he not only took it pretty well, but even would initiate conversations with me about it.

 

Yuck.

 

Overit75, sorry for the hard punch as Owl put it but the intention was to get you to see the waste of time and focus these type of thoughts cause your recovery. Any thought other than disgust directed at O/M is a deterrent to that recovery. You never answered my question with regard to your husband, is he aware that you are having these thoughts?

[FusionCutter]

I am a few months out of a near-year long A...had a D Day (horrible) and now trying to reconcile with my H. As I am coming out of the so-called 'fog', there are thoughts that pop into my mind, like THIS one, that make me wonder what in the world I was thinking??

 

Someone posted in another thread that if a man is 'fine' with you having sex with someone else, they simply cannot care about you. So my question is - how do (or did) your OM or MM feel about you having sex with your H? Is it something that is just accepted as part of the affair dynamic? Or is it perhaps understood, but truly disturbing anyway?

 

I always thought it a little strange that my exMM seemed to be perfectly fine that I still was with my H physically. He would even want to 'chat' about it at times. I couldn't relate because SUPPOSEDLY he and his BW had not been intimate for 3-4 years.

 

Thoughts?

 

(For those that have followed my story, H and I are doing pretty well. Stuff like this seems to be part of me realizing the ugly truth of my situation...)

 

Interesting question. In my point of view if your exOM or MM was NOT okay with you sleeping with your husband or had serious issues with it he probably cared about you.

 

If an AP is totally okay with their woman sleeping with their husband then it's a huge red flag about their true feelings.

 

It takes a huge amount of cognitive dissonance to accept a woman you care about having sex with another man.

 

Perhaps other people might beg to differ, but honestly, you know what other kind of woman that a man is okay with another man having sex with? A prostitute.

 

Normally if you love someone you only want them to be with you and you only. Perhaps is why so many MM and MW lie to their OWs and OMs about a sexless marriage or an unhappy marriage - they would not engage these married people if they realized they were having sex everyday and being intimate.

Edited December 18, 2014 by FusionCutter

[cif]

I always thought it a little strange that my exMM seemed to be perfectly fine that I still was with my H physically. He would even want to 'chat' about it at times. I couldn't relate because SUPPOSEDLY he and his BW had not been intimate for 3-4 years.

 

Well, you don't really know if it bothered him or not. The fact that he tried to bring it up is proof he was thinking about it. After a while men become territorial, like this is *my* woman and jealousy kicks in.

 

So my question is - how do (or did) your OM or MM feel about you having sex with your H? Is it something that is just accepted as part of the affair dynamic? Or is it perhaps understood, but truly disturbing anyway?

 

 

My xMM was also a recycled xBF so feelings were already there. He would ask strange questions and do weird things but i didn't realize it bothered him until the end. If you think back you might realize this as well. But overall I do agree .. a man who doesn't mind sharing you certainly doesn't care and is probably just using you for sex.

[OverIt75]

Overit75, sorry for the hard punch as Owl put it but the intention was to get you to see the waste of time and focus these type of thoughts cause your recovery. Any thought other than disgust directed at O/M is a deterrent to that recovery. You never answered my question with regard to your husband, is he aware that you are having these thoughts?

 

It's not the first hard punch, Alive I am developing a thicker skin.

 

I spend 99% of my time, thoughts, effort and energy on my H and our recovery. I guess I just consider LS the only place to turn when I have a passing thought about OM or the A.

 

I actually wrote this big long post maybe 4 nights ago about the recovery process with my H, and then decided not to put it out there. It felt a little pointless and was potentially too personally identifying.

 

As far as what my H knows about my thoughts...my counselor has said that it is perfectly normal to struggle with confused feelings since I was in so deep. But that is what they are - confused. Therefore I don't need to spout every confused thought I have into my H's ear, as long as he knows the truth and we are both on the same page as we make healthy steps towards reconciliation. I am at a much clearer stage and even this question is just a part of me seeing things for what they really were. Other than this post, I have not been spending time on OM.

[Owl6118]

...we are both on the same page as we make healthy steps towards reconciliation. I am at a much clearer stage ....

 

I am sincerely glad, it makes me happy to hear. I have a strong personal faith in the possibility and power of redemption. I wish you well on your journey towards it.

[Trotters]

If youre the OM, then you have to accept that the MM/MW will be having sex, its obvious.

[William]

Moderation stopping by to remind members to address the topical question and to refrain from steering the topic to their own agendas and to always address the thread starter and fellow members in a civil and respectful manner. Failure to do so will find member's posting privileges curtailed.

 

Thanks!

[Sassy Girl]

Never had an issue with it. She is married. Married people have sex. I am married and I have sex with my wife. I knew that going in. Neither of us played the sexless marriage card. If she was satisfied with her sex life at home she wouldn't make such an effort to have sex with me.

This is us - kind of.

 

 

We have a don't ask don't tell policy.

 

 

We both no its not non-existent for both of us, but don't need the detail.

 

 

ETA: We care about each other. I don't think there is love (at least not from my end, anyways - he says he is "falling" for me, but really, who knows - I doubt it). I know he doesn't want to know about sex with my husband because he wants to think that it doesn't happen - or at least not think about it at all. It came up once. He said something specific about his wife, I told him it was TMI unless he wanted to know about my and H sex life. He was very quick to reply he did not want to know. I got my point across.

Edited December 18, 2014 by Sassy Girl

[Ronnie33]

My AP would say it doesn't bother him knowing I sleep with my husband because that's my husband but if I slept with anyone else he would be very upset. Same for me, I knew he slept with his live in gf but if it was anyone else I would flip out.