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Did he just dump me for good? Is it at all possible he loves me?


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For the last year I was seeing a married man and things were great between us.

 

I couldn't live like this any longer and told him it was over but we stayed friends. Shortly after we ended the intimate part of our relationship, his wife and kids(3) found out about us. Since then we limited our contact even more drastically. He told me he loved me but can't see his kids suffering and needs to be a good father for them, that he's not choosing his wife but his kids.

 

It was a month ago. Last week he called me at night telling me that his wife found out we were still in touch and wanted a divorce and kicked him out of the house. He asked if he could spend the night at my place and I agreed.

 

We talked, he asked me what I thought about it and I told him it would be better if he stayed in a hotel for the next few days so that he has time to think what he wants. We both agreed that he shouldn't stay at my place until he figures what he wants.

 

Next day he texted me that he needs to sort himself out and wished me a lovely weekend. He went to his parents for a couple of days.

 

He's mom asked him what I was like and about me plans for Xmas. Why would she do that?????? Seriously, why? I totally don't understand it!!!??? So why?

 

 

I gave him space and he called me after 4 days telling me that he\s back at his place but sleeping downstairs, that she still wants him out and still wants to divorce him.

That he would not contact me for a while (a month at least) because he really wants his kids to trust him again.

 

He said he loved me and it's not fair that he has to stop all the contact with me, the only person that makes him happy and truly love him and that I will always be in his thoughts and that he keeps all the gifts from me on his desk at work and misses me.

 

I agreed to give him space and not to contact him so he can figure out if he can fix things between his kids... and yes, between his wife ;-(

 

Do you think that was a final goodbye on his part? Did he really dump me? Does it mean that if he chose her (some of my friends say he chose his kids, not her) he doesn't love me and care about me?

 

Is it possible that he loves me but chose his kids not to hurt the more? Do I have any chances here?

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evanescentworld

First of all, if you'll forgive the harsh tone of my response, it was really stupid of you both to maintain contact after your physical connection had ended.

Because guess what? In anyone's eyes, that's still having an affair.

 

If it was supposed to stop, it should have stopped, completely.

As it was, you both decided it was too much to ask to break contact completely, so you continued your liaison, albeit in a non-physical way.

 

On both occasions, you only stopped because others discovered your affair, not out of any thought or consideration for others.

You were found out.

 

Here's the deal. You want to know what I think?

 

He's a coward.

He wants the best he can get from both worlds.

Trust me, he wants to hold onto you - or else he wouldn't have given you all those hidden messages about keeping things that remind him of you.

He wants you to stick around and wait, and not give up on him.

But he also wants his children to adore him, admire him, respect and love him.

So, while he's cultivating that kind of a relationship with them, he's giving you enough vague messages to keep you dangling.

 

What do you want?

Are you prepared to take a back seat, wait, and go to him at his beck and call, when HE'S ready?

Where's your say in all of this? Or do you not get one?

After all, apparently his wife has 'kicked him out' of the marital bed and wants a divorce.

How long will this take, exactly?

Has she filed yet?

Whose word are you taking for all of this?

Has she spoken to you?

Have you spoken to her?

What's the real deal?

 

Because it all smells fishy to me.

 

If he were really trying to establish a good relationship with his children, wouldn't he be better doing it away from the constant surveillance, influence and negative input of his (supposedly-soon-to-be) ex-wife?

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On both occasions, you only stopped because others discovered your affair, not out of any thought or consideration for others.

You were found out.

 

 

What do you want?

Are you prepared to take a back seat, wait, and go to him at his beck and call, when HE'S ready?

Where's your say in all of this? Or do you not get one?

After all, apparently his wife has 'kicked him out' of the marital bed and wants a divorce.

How long will this take, exactly?

Has she filed yet?

Whose word are you taking for all of this?

Has she spoken to you?

Have you spoken to her?

What's the real deal?

 

Because it all smells fishy to me.

 

 

 

First time it was me who said I didn't want to live like this was before anyone found out about us. She discovered it when I already stopped sleeping with him.

 

 

Yes, I talked to her. She called me after she found out we were still in touch and we talked. No one was shouting, she was calm. Just wanted to know why so I told her what it was on my part. She thanked me for being honest with her and said I was not a bad person after all.

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evanescentworld

Do you know for sure that she is filing for divorce?

because you know, if it's a done deal, there is absolutely no real reason at all why he should now not keep seeing you, particularly as his wife "knows" you and has spoken to you....

Could I ask how old the children are?

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Do you know for sure that she is filing for divorce?

because you know, if it's a done deal, there is absolutely no real reason at all why he should now not keep seeing you, particularly as his wife "knows" you and has spoken to you....

Could I ask how old the children are?

 

Not yet, she just told him she wanted a divorce. It's very fresh. He wants to see if he can fix it for his kids as they don't want him to leave their mom.

 

9, 12 and 15

 

He's much older than me.

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evanescentworld

In that case, I would reply thanking him for the good times, but that you are now going off to rebuild your life, and leave him to it.

You understand his need to focus on his family, and you wish him well.

 

The response you get to that, will tell you if he's angling for the dangling, or sincere in his wish to terminate this for good.

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Here's my advice. Your instincts were sound for breaking it off. You giving him space is good. Give him more space.

 

Until he is divorced there is no us. So live your life. Date and try to move on. Leave him be. Do not speak with him.

 

When/if he's completely free, then you can date him. If not, he's not available.

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In that case, I would reply thanking him for the good times, but that you are now going off to rebuild your life, and leave him to it.

You understand his need to focus on his family, and you wish him well.

 

The response you get to that, will tell you if he's angling for the dangling, or sincere in his wish to terminate this for good.

 

He called me in the morning and told me all those things.

I was calm and said I respect that and won't be calling or texting him as I respect his wish.

He replied that if anything happens I can always contact him at work.. and that he will contact me after a while when he sees how things work out.

 

 

I only emailed him at work later and said I loved him and wished that everything works well for him. He replies straight away that he loved me too and that I will always be on his mind and that he was so happy with me for the last year and that he doesn't regret anything from that time.

 

So what would you think?

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Here's my advice. Your instincts were sound for breaking it off. You giving him space is good. Give him more space.

 

Until he is divorced there is no us. So live your life. Date and try to move on. Leave him be. Do not speak with him.

 

When/if he's completely free, then you can date him. If not, he's not available.

 

I will not contact him now unless he reaches out. I am not clingy and I have a live on my own. It will be difficult for me as I have feelings for him but I don't want to put him under pressure and make him choose... I think that if he comes to me on his own will be more honest than if I forced him.

 

But I would like to know if he loves me or if he's just playing with my feelings.

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I will not contact him now unless he reaches out. I am not clingy and I have a live on my own. It will be difficult for me as I have feelings for him but I don't want to put him under pressure and make him choose... I think that if he comes to me on his own will be more honest than if I forced him.

 

But I would like to know if he loves me or if he's just playing with my feelings.

 

That's the painful part. You will never truly know. It's best to move on from him.

 

It simply doesn't matter what he thinks of you. If you truly think about it. Why does it matter? You should demand more out of a relationship. Take care of yourself.

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That's the painful part. You will never truly know. It's best to move on from him.

 

It simply doesn't matter what he thinks of you. If you truly think about it. Why does it matter? You should demand more out of a relationship. Take care of yourself.

 

That's sad. I thought he loved me, I could see it... not in his words but in his actions. What he was doing for me, how excited he used to get when he was

showing me places from his childhood that are important to him etc.

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That's sad. I thought he loved me, I could see it... not in his words but in his actions. What he was doing for me, how excited he used to get when he was

showing me places from his childhood that are important to him etc.

 

Well. Perhaps he loved the experience of having you. I might be out of line and maybe this is hard to hear, but if he truly loved you he would be with you. But he's not. So therefore stop thinking about what he's thinking. He had feeling for you very likely, but that's different than being in love and wanting to be with you.

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I gave him space and he called me after 4 days telling me that he\s back at his place but sleeping downstairs, that she still wants him out and still wants to divorce him.

That he would not contact me for a while (a month at least) because he really wants his kids to trust him again.

 

If she still wants him out of the house and wants a divorce, why is he back there sleeping downstairs? Why isn't he getting his own place? If he loves you and wants to be with you why isn't he seeing you since she no longer wants him? Staying for the sake of the kids never works. If the kids are the only ones he loves he can still have them without taking them away from their mom. They both are entitled to their kids and will not lose them. I'm so sick of people using their children as the crutch to hold up their broken marriages. The parents can be happy apart and the kids will still have their parents in a much happier state of mind than staying in an unhappy marriage using the kids as the excuse.

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How much older is "much older"?

 

20 years. And he can't have ids any more. I know he is afraid I would finally leave him and he would stay alone.

 

i would be afraid of that too if I was him.

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If she still wants him out of the house and wants a divorce, why is he back there sleeping downstairs? Why isn't he getting his own place? If he loves you and wants to be with you why isn't he seeing you since she no longer wants him? Staying for the sake of the kids never works. If the kids are the only ones he loves he can still have them without taking them away from their mom. They both are entitled to their kids and will not lose them. I'm so sick of people using their children as the crutch to hold up their broken marriages. The parents can be happy apart and the kids will still have their parents in a much happier state of mind than staying in an unhappy marriage using the kids as the excuse.

 

He's kids hate him now and he loves them. He wants them to forgive him and he wants to be close with them as before.

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20 years. And he can't have ids any more. I know he is afraid I would finally leave him and he would stay alone.

 

i would be afraid of that too if I was him.

 

You can do a lot better for yourself. I know you're in love with this man. Chances are he's just using you. Don't waste any more of your youth on him. You're just an experience to him. Not a person. If he cared about you he wouldn't do this to you.

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Of course the kids will hate both parents when a divorce happens. Guess what? People work through it with counseling, talking. patience and time. Staying in a broken marriage is not helping the spouse or the kids. There are millions of divorced people who co-parent and live happy lives still seeing their kids. What are the married people going to use as an excuse when the kids grown up and move out? It's just nonsense and an excuse to stay with their spouse, I don't care what they say.

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If you're thinking long-term, there are a lot of things working against you, IMO. The age difference is just another one. I know people of different generations CAN fall in love, but a twenty-year age gap is pretty significant. And do YOU want children at some point? Would you want them with this man? The story just appears to be a cliché.

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You can do a lot better for yourself. I know you're in love with this man. Chances are he's just using you. Don't waste any more of your youth on him. You're just an experience to him. Not a person. If he cared about you he wouldn't do this to you.

 

But I find it really hard to believe he doesn't feel anything for me. When I think how he treated me and what he was doing to help me, even if it wasn't easy for him, I just can't believe he doesn't love me.

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If you're thinking long-term, there are a lot of things working against you, IMO. The age difference is just another one. I know people of different generations CAN fall in love, but a twenty-year age gap is pretty significant. And do YOU want children at some point? Would you want them with this man? The story just appears to be a cliché.

 

 

I would love to have kids with him.

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Think of it this way: he was capable of not loving the person he married and had three children with. He's been with you for a year. He probably does feel something for you. There's a chance it isn't love, though.

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evanescentworld

Define Love.

I'm sure there's love there.

but it's the definition which can be a stumbling block.

How does he define love?

How do you define it?

 

It's not an easy question to answer, particularly so remotely.

Of course he loves you.

He loves his children too, and he loved his wife.

 

All the same?

I wouldn't think so for an instant, would you?

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Do you think that I can stay in touch with him after a while?

Even if we are not together, I would like to stay in touch with him, he is a great guy and I love spending time with him.

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Do you think that I can stay in touch with him after a while?

Even if we are not together, I would like to stay in touch with him, he is a great guy and I love spending time with him.

 

If you love him. It's not a good idea.

If his wife hates him seeing you - it's not respectful.

 

So if you don't love him and his wife knows about it and doesn't care - then yes. Keep seeing him.

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