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For those with no "d-day" how did your affairs end?


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For those who managed to keep your affair hidden ( no dday to forcefully end things) how did your affairs eventually end? Or are they still going strong after a long time? Did they just fizzle out as contacting and meeting up become less frequent? Were you able to stay friends after the affair aspects died down?

 

And for those who were never caught, did frequency of contact and meet ups affect the length of the affair and/or the ability to remain undetected? As in affair partners who stay in touch only once or twice a week and meet up maybe about only once a month as opposed to partners who contact each other all the time and meet up say, once a week?

 

I was just curious on others' opinions. I am both a former BS and OW so I admit it was easier to sense something was up ( when I was the BS) and be caught (when I was the OW) the more frequent the contact. Sorry if the question seems obvious.

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Hi! This is my first time posting, however I have been a long-time lurker. Your question is always one I've wondered about, myself.

 

I WAS the married, OW for three years . As typical, the onset was filled with communication, attention, and a general desire to see each other when possible. (Usually once a week, but in touch via email, texting, etc daily.

 

This flow continued for well in to the third year. Ever so gradually though he began pulling back , causing me to "panic" and act like a desperate fool. Eventually it began to hit home that either A) there was another new and improved body to entertain him, or B) he was becoming bored or something with me. I'll never know because he would rather die than talk about anything substantial. After the meet-up's became maybe once a month for no more than an hour at the most (he was SO busy!- eye roll) and the texting and other fos of being in touch became like once a week, I guess it finally hit me that we were dying a slow death. Why? I have no idea. Things felt great to me, but obviously he had his whole other "real" life that I was not privy to, so who knows!

 

I took the offense and at our last meeting just told him that I was tired of the crumbs, and facing the reality that we were over. He would of never had the stones to do it, so I think he was probably sighing a deep relief that I took the heat off of him having to man-up! Even though HE was the one doing all of the pulling away.

 

Oh well. I've done my grieving, white-knuckled the temptation to contact him; and now I am seeing clearly again for the first time in three years!! And it feels liberating!!

Sorry so long. Hope that answered your question .

 

So to summarize : it was a slow-fade out. The most exhausting way to end

It!

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There was no DDay.

 

We never lost interest at all. We were always happy to spend time with each other and were in contact all day every day. This was over a 5 to 6 year period with a couple of breaks.

 

It was I who decided that I had my future to consider 6 months ago and went NC, cold turkey.Heard from him once but did nothing about it. I didn't want to live like that forever.

 

xmm was not going to leave. He was , at the time I ended the A, in his 71st year. He was hardly likely to destroy his family and finances at that late stage.

 

I turned 67 last week and although I miss him dreadfully, I do find I am enjoying the peace and quiet, without the emotional roller coaster that was our relationship.

 

I still have a lot of grieving to do and am gradually getting myself and my lost life back.

Poppy

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Mine was the keep in touch all the time kind as well, but who knows how it would have ended have we not had been caught. I know people around me who have different arrangements and I have seen that those people who have more of a casual fwb type affairs tend to go longer and stay undetected, and because they are not always consistently in touch they don't form too much of an attachment to each other.

 

Then there was someone I knew who had a routine weekly rendevous with her lover and they seemed for the most part extrememly discreet (second phones and such) but the guy's wife started to call him exactly when they would be meeting so they took it as a sign to meet less often. I guess no matter how discreet you are some women's intuitions kick in if the affair partners are in touch too frequently.

 

Affair or no, I hate that feeling of wondering if the guy is losing interest. It always hurts, no matter how much I tell myself not to get attached from the start. But they always make it so hard by being so assertive in the beginning.

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What would you guys consider a healthy frame of time to meet to stay under the radar and also not get sick of eachother? And no I am not considering another affair, that one time was enough for me!

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I don't consider anything about the A to be healthy.

 

It was totally dysfunctional and destructive in many ways.

 

I am wondering why you want to know that.? If you aren't having another A why does it matter?

Cheers,

Poppy

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Thank you Poppy,

No I am not thinking of another affair. I know others who are in one and it just got me thinking about things that is all :) as well as thinking back on my affair and how things might have gone differently if we had been a little more distant with each other. All just musings...i am currently going through therapy too so I guess it making me think a lot about everything.

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I am also having a therapy/ hypnosis session every now and then.

 

It's time and distance that are enabling me to see the reality of xMM and how truly awful he was to his wife.

 

Yesterday I remembered that he would always spend his wedding anniversary with me. I had forgotten that. That;s just one instance and I am off topic.

 

Good luck and keep at it.

Cheers,

Poppy.

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I am also having a therapy/ hypnosis session every now and then.

 

It's time and distance that are enabling me to see the reality of xMM and how truly awful he was to his wife.

 

Yesterday I remembered that he would always spend his wedding anniversary with me. I had forgotten that. That;s just one instance and I am off topic.

 

Good luck and keep at it.

Cheers,

Poppy.

 

 

Poppy,

 

For the A and other reasons I have considered hypnosis therapy..... do you think it works? If you don't want to derail this thread, you can inbox me. Thank you in advance.

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I am also having a therapy/ hypnosis session every now and then.

 

It's time and distance that are enabling me to see the reality of xMM and how truly awful he was to his wife.

 

Yesterday I remembered that he would always spend his wedding anniversary with me. I had forgotten that. That;s just one instance and I am off topic.

 

Good luck and keep at it.

Cheers,

Poppy.

 

In a way he was awful to you too. But don't give it too much thought.

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For those who managed to keep your affair hidden ( no dday to forcefully end things) how did your affairs eventually end? Or are they still going strong after a long time? Did they just fizzle out as contacting and meeting up become less frequent? Were you able to stay friends after the affair aspects died down?

 

And for those who were never caught, did frequency of contact and meet ups affect the length of the affair and/or the ability to remain undetected? As in affair partners who stay in touch only once or twice a week and meet up maybe about only once a month as opposed to partners who contact each other all the time and meet up say, once a week?

 

I was just curious on others' opinions. I am both a former BS and OW so I admit it was easier to sense something was up ( when I was the BS) and be caught (when I was the OW) the more frequent the contact. Sorry if the question seems obvious.

 

I always say there was no DDAY that I knew about. In that it's possibility that he was found out but he simply never relayed that info to me and she never tried to contact me so I'd not know about what happened between them if that was the case.

 

Our A ended after a long death march really. It was about 2 years or so in and I was fed up. In the beginning it was fine when I wasn't as attached and when it was just a phone, email and instant messaging relationship. But the more things continued I fell in love with him and we started seeing each other more and it became "more real" and thus more gut wrenching and frustrating for me when I was met with the "glass ceiling" of how far things could do. We were also long distance so seeing each other meant when we were together, it was usually where I lived in, and we could be like a normal couple because no one knew him and as far as my friends knew he was my bf who lived LD. So that made the leaving again and the limits of the A more and more unbearable.

 

He said and I believed that he really thought he could make me happy and keep his other relationship too...but no....that would NEVER work...but he sure as hell tried and was in lots of denial and the dreaded fog about it. Fog in the sense that his plans actually were totally irrational but being caught up with me and us and wanting what he wanted he thought he could just ignore certain parts of reality and try to create some magical relationship for us where I would be his gf forever and he would have another gf and all would be like that forever....wrong. Long story short: with all that frustration behind me and me being the more logical one after a while because where he kept saying "I don't know how it will work but I can't be without you..." I kept saying "This isn't going to work... HOW will this work? Are you going to move here? Me there? Are you going to be with me full time?" No answers to those questions...just more wishing upon a star and shhh baby let's not talk about reality let's just enjoy this :rolleyes:. I was done so kept trying to pull back and "just be friends"...that did not work. Us just being friends was awkward and ended up just falling back into the same pattern. There was lots of tension and we'd go for periods without talking but would fall back into the A as it was. However, at some point I got busy and he also got busy with a new client at his job which meant longer hours and then that was when things went downhill to less and less contact, less calls, less messages, hit and runs until it would be like weeks...it was a slow fade into NC.

 

We didn't speak for a year...he returned after a year on my birthday to explain himself and say he chose to disappear because he knew he was hurting me and couldn't give me what I needed but he never stopped thinking of me. I had actually gotten a new bf within that year and NC did help me to move on for the most part. We kept in contact sporadically, just once in a while casual emails he'd send me about projects he worked on or a joke. About 2.5 years after that though we reconnected and tried to form a real relationship (he'd broken up with his LTR gf who he had cheated on with me). But that didn't work for many reasons. Then we tried to be friends...that also couldn't work as our chemistry is electric and he also, more than I, doesn't know how to just be friends with me. I've tried and he's always the one who ends up treating me like his gf so no, we're not friends. I will always care about him but too much is there for us to just be friends.

Edited by MissBee
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Thanks for the awesome replies.

 

 

Yes, the therapy helps a lot. After my affair, I always seemed to have this incredible talent of attracting only married men wherever I went (and I do mean wherever I went) I even posted about this earlier in another forum here but over time I realized the common denominator was ME and it was not just a coincidence. I think I was sending out a vibe that married men prowling to stray picked up on right away.

 

 

I was, and am still afraid of being hurt in a true and open relationship after the pain of my marriage (ex husband was a serial cheater) and I think it was my twisted way of protecting myself by being with men who were unavailable. No commitment, no strings attached, companionship and sex, right? Or so I told myself. Little did I know that being involved with a married man would still bring out all those insecurities of getting hurt plus many more complications.

 

 

It made no sense. I was never jealous of his wife. I didn't want him to leave his wife. In fact I tried to keep the affair as discreet as possible so he could keep his marriage. I was content being the "side piece".

In the beginning it was nice and casual, because I wasn't attached and I didn't think I would become attached. But he was so frequent with his texting, calling me and texting all the time, wanting to meet all the time, and so I gave in and became well, attached. After that I was irrational. I would get jealous and wonder if there were other OW's besides me ( I was jealous of other women but not his wife, what the hell right?) I would freak if he became even a little slow or less frequent with his contact. It was an awful mess and I would tell myself I have to stop this only to get drawn right in when my phone would vibrate with his message or his name would blink in the call log. ( I wonder if this all sounds familiar to some of you?)

 

 

Anyway obviously his wife got suspicious and went through his phone when he was asleep. The guy had gotten sloppy and hadn't erased his texts. And bam we were caught. Affair over.

 

 

So yes I ask this question because I sometimes think if it had remained more of a casual see occasionally talk occasionally agreement I would not have gotten so attached and been in so much turmoil all the time. And if you don't see a person on a regular basis, it is harder for someone else to feel a pattern and get suspicious you know? just all these what ifs and thoughts. But never wishing to go back to the affair.

 

 

thanks again! Hope it was ok to share my thoughts.

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For those who managed to keep your affair hidden ( no dday to forcefully end things) how did your affairs eventually end? Or are they still going strong after a long time? Did they just fizzle out as contacting and meeting up become less frequent? Were you able to stay friends after the affair aspects died down?

 

And for those who were never caught, did frequency of contact and meet ups affect the length of the affair and/or the ability to remain undetected? As in affair partners who stay in touch only once or twice a week and meet up maybe about only once a month as opposed to partners who contact each other all the time and meet up say, once a week?

 

I was just curious on others' opinions. I am both a former BS and OW so I admit it was easier to sense something was up ( when I was the BS) and be caught (when I was the OW) the more frequent the contact. Sorry if the question seems obvious.

 

We did not have a DDay. Our A ended when he left her and we transitioned to being a full time couple.

 

Our A oscillated between LDR, when we were in constant contact via email, text, Skype etc, and living together for extended periods, so contact was pretty frequent and intense during the years of the A. The A was undetected largely because they lived such separate lives - although they shared a home address,money were rarely home at the same time, and when they were, they had separate bedrooms, separate studies, etc and different interests. When he informed her of the A she chose not to believe him.

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We did not have a DDay. Our A ended when he left her and we transitioned to being a full time couple.

 

Our A oscillated between LDR, when we were in constant contact via email, text, Skype etc, and living together for extended periods, so contact was pretty frequent and intense during the years of the A. The A was undetected largely because they lived such separate lives - although they shared a home address,money were rarely home at the same time, and when they were, they had separate bedrooms, separate studies, etc and different interests. When he informed her of the A she chose not to believe him.

 

Ha! You are lucky. We had a Dday (the day he left) and she threw a 7 foot Christmas tree at him. Speaking of Christmas trees, our anniversary is coming up!!

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Summer Breeze

We had a number of ddays but both he and his xW went along just about like nothing had ever changed. I know it did and she and I spoke often but they were both desperate to have the perfect family perception intact the ddays hardly created a stir. When we ended it wasn't because of a dday. We'd been away and when we came back I realized how much more I loved him and that my investment was getting to be more than his. I ended it and that was that as far as I was concerned.

 

As far as getting caught I don't think we were a good case study. Nothing ever really changed when there was a dday and he did very little to cover things up. I was adamant I was going to end it on my terms and it started feeling like I was losing control, so the time had come and it was over.

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Ha! You are lucky. We had a Dday (the day he left) and she threw a 7 foot Christmas tree at him. Speaking of Christmas trees, our anniversary is coming up!!

 

Hahaha! Sorry to be flippant but she must have been very strong and very cranky.

Poppy.

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For those who managed to keep your affair hidden ( no dday to forcefully end things) how did your affairs eventually end? Or are they still going strong after a long time? Did they just fizzle out as contacting and meeting up become less frequent? Were you able to stay friends after the affair aspects died down?

 

And for those who were never caught, did frequency of contact and meet ups affect the length of the affair and/or the ability to remain undetected? As in affair partners who stay in touch only once or twice a week and meet up maybe about only once a month as opposed to partners who contact each other all the time and meet up say, once a week?

 

I was just curious on others' opinions. I am both a former BS and OW so I admit it was easier to sense something was up ( when I was the BS) and be caught (when I was the OW) the more frequent the contact. Sorry if the question seems obvious.

 

I would guess most just fade away into the abyss. That A ceiling probably grows tiresome for most. Too much effort, too much mental energy to keep it going.

 

As my A matured from the manic intensity of the first three years, it has slowed down quite a bit in terms of seeing each other 5 days a week, dates 1 or twice a week, communication all day 7 days a week to a more subdued/palatable situation. Currently we see each other perhaps 5 times a month publically, and have dates about twice a month. We still communicate regularly, but it sure isn't the insanity it was when we were messaging 800 times a day. While the intensity of the A has sure calmed down, our relationship is certainly stronger on every level.

 

After the end of this coming school year I will see if it fizzles out on its own because our contact won't be nearly as frequent. Every time we see each other it will have to be arranged. I suspect that will take it down a notch. There is no doubt seeing someone on a very regular basis keeps the fire burning.

 

In terms of being friends I have no doubt about that. We have gone through a lot of sh*t together after 5 years. The bulk of our relationship currently is a close friendship bond.

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Hi I'm new here,

 

But how mine ended was over the phone with me crying hyterically because it was the second time he had broken up with me. Our situation was different. His wife knew about me and was "ok" with it and even wanted to have lunch. So when we did have lunch it was the most akward thing ever as he would say things like "he loves me" etc. Well 3 days later she finally broke down and so did he, couldn't handle it I guess. And that was it. It ended 6 months ago havent heard from him since, except I ran into him at a stoplight and we chatted for a bit. The struggle is real!

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I was a single OW and never had a DDAY. We did have a PG rated text that she saw and caused a few problems.

 

We were not in Romantic love with each other. We were/are honest to goodness friends.

 

It ended because I just couldn't stand the thought of all that he was risking. I lied to him and told him I had met someone. It was the only way I knew he would REALLY let me go. It worked and has worked. Knowing our personalities, I think we could have continued the way we were for the rest of our lives.

 

We texted or called during his work hours for the first three years. During the last four years or so he would call outside of regular work hours. Not into emailing, PM or Skype.

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For those who managed to keep your affair hidden ( no dday to forcefully end things) how did your affairs eventually end? Or are they still going strong after a long time? Did they just fizzle out as contacting and meeting up become less frequent? Were you able to stay friends after the affair aspects died down?

 

And for those who were never caught, did frequency of contact and meet ups affect the length of the affair and/or the ability to remain undetected? As in affair partners who stay in touch only once or twice a week and meet up maybe about only once a month as opposed to partners who contact each other all the time and meet up say, once a week?

 

I was just curious on others' opinions. I am both a former BS and OW so I admit it was easier to sense something was up ( when I was the BS) and be caught (when I was the OW) the more frequent the contact. Sorry if the question seems obvious.

 

There was no DDay even though I constantly pushed her to tell her husband. Eventually the pain of being a secret just overwhelmed any feelings I had for her. It's no fun to share someone and be a dirty secret.

 

Breaking it off was the best possible thing to do for both ourselves. Being emotionally tangled in such a mess was causing me to not live authentically. It was like being stuck in a timewarp waiting for something that was never gonna happen.

 

She'll always be my kryptonite. How do you fight kryptonite? You stay away from it. The feelings never died on my end. It was more like realizing the words don't match the actions. I eventually convinced myself that she simply wanted two worlds and wanted to be as selfish as possible.. both her husband and the secret world with me. Then I simply decided I wasn't going to tolerate that any longer. How I felt about her just didn't matter when it hurts that much and someone plays with your feelings. Then I discovered she was lying to me about something and that threw me off guard. I didn't think it was possible that she could lie to me. Initially felt real, it felt loyal.

 

But of course it was possible for her to lie to me, if she was willing to lie to her life partner every day through the involvement of the affair, when you're wearing those goggles it's just impossible to believe that. You believe what you want to when you are crazy about someone.

 

In any case, it was enough to call it quits. How little she must think of me if she thought that all I deserved in this world was to be stuck being her loyal sidepiece and demonstrate my loyalty while she went home to sleep with her husband every night. I hated it, hated myself, and eventually drove me almost insane. She told me to go see other people, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't cheat on a cheater. The best way to deal with it is to painfully terminate and end and move on.

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Thanks FusionCutter. Some great insight.

 

 

For me, though it was us getting caught that ended it, I vacillated between continuing and ending it so many times just that inner turmoil itself would probably have stressed me out so much I would have eventually ended it.

 

 

I didn't even want the guy to leave his wife. I was selfish too in my own way. I didn't want the commitment and effort that goes into a real relationship but I wanted the companionship and sex. So I must admit, I don't think I fell for HIM really, but I got attached to the things he was offering me. In other words at that point in time, if it hadn't bee him, it could easily have been someone else. Does that make sense?

 

 

But it caused such an upheaval of emotions: one minute I was on this high of great sex and feeling sexy and desired, then I would plummet to "what am I doing? Why am I treating myself this way? Don't I love myself more than this?" then to guilt over what I could be doing to his family, his poor wife, then to the fear of being caught (which eventually happened). What a mess huh? Looking back I can't believe I put myself through all that.

 

 

But I am seeing from the opinions here though that aside from the getting caught cases and the minority where the affair progresses to an actual relationship, they all end at one point or other. For different reasons, but they end nevertheless. Either the cheater and/or OW/OM can't take the pain and pressure of the affair, or the cheater gets bored of the relationship once the intensity of the affair fades out, or the OW/OM gets bored and fades out...etc etc .

 

 

Thanks for all the insight. It was nice to go back and read all the opinions again.

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Oh and yeah, cheaters lie and they lie so well don't they.

That was another thing too. No matter how no-strings attached I thought I was being fine with in my affair, there was just that underlying unease of not being able to trust him. After all he was deceiving his wife, his friends, his family by hiding me away in his secret double life, he could be capable of lying about anything! And towards the end I got attached more than I thought I would be anyway. Just thinking about him perhaps having other women on the side (and they are so capbable of this too) made me irrational.

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Thanks FusionCutter. Some great insight.

 

 

For me, though it was us getting caught that ended it, I vacillated between continuing and ending it so many times just that inner turmoil itself would probably have stressed me out so much I would have eventually ended it.

 

 

I didn't even want the guy to leave his wife. I was selfish too in my own way. I didn't want the commitment and effort that goes into a real relationship but I wanted the companionship and sex. So I must admit, I don't think I fell for HIM really, but I got attached to the things he was offering me. In other words at that point in time, if it hadn't bee him, it could easily have been someone else. Does that make sense?

 

 

But it caused such an upheaval of emotions: one minute I was on this high of great sex and feeling sexy and desired, then I would plummet to "what am I doing? Why am I treating myself this way? Don't I love myself more than this?" then to guilt over what I could be doing to his family, his poor wife, then to the fear of being caught (which eventually happened). What a mess huh? Looking back I can't believe I put myself through all that.

 

 

But I am seeing from the opinions here though that aside from the getting caught cases and the minority where the affair progresses to an actual relationship, they all end at one point or other. For different reasons, but they end nevertheless. Either the cheater and/or OW/OM can't take the pain and pressure of the affair, or the cheater gets bored of the relationship once the intensity of the affair fades out, or the OW/OM gets bored and fades out...etc etc .

 

 

Thanks for all the insight. It was nice to go back and read all the opinions again.

 

Interesting how you said you didn't even want the guy to leave. I guess involvement as OW/OM is just inherently selfish. At the very least is extremely disrespectful to another person's life (the BS).

 

Love is a lot like war. We all want to win. But there's an ethical way to conduct war (like not killing civilians, not slaughtering the opposing side when they surrender), etc.

 

There's an ethical way to proceed. Love should be similar, ideally. Having an affair is an unethical way to win love and affection (and/or sex).

 

It's so hard to see clearly when caught up in those crazy emotions - it's almost carnal.

 

Playing out all the possibilities it's really simple. They are all dead-end situations and virtually none are happy endings. Using the classic example of MM with a sOW. The possible endgame scenarios:

 

1. OW gets heartbroken and leaves the situation

2. MM gets bored of playing around and ditches the affair, leaving the OW heartbroken

3. MM's wife finds out and forces the affair to end (Leading to MM and OW being heartbroken, along with the wife being heart broken)

 

4. MM's wife finds out and they get a divorce. A lengthly process and at that time how could the OW even feel good about the whole situation and relationship?

5. MM decides to divorce on his own during the affair without the wife knowing. (Why would he when he has the world?) Why would one give up one thing to get another? Normally if he was a good man, he would have left on his own to be single again if he wanted to try dating someone again - but instead of facing up to his problems he decided to have an affair.

 

Most OW don't see that the same character flaw that enabled him to engage in an affair in the first place is the exact same mechanism that prevents him from doing the right thing while within an affair.

 

That's why so many of these stories end in emotional trainwrecks. Lack of foresight and emotional maturity. Usually best thing to do is to leave the situation and that takes strength and courage. When you are backed into a corner and it hurts enough, that's where courage comes from.

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